My journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Krebs, Sep 10, 2020.

  1. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Powerful urges all day.
    It is supposed to be hard. Quitting is not a viable option.
     
  2. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    PMed twice
     
  3. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    17 slips over December. Well, that was not I`d be proud of but such things are inevitable. I am really glad that I have been accepted to the job of research scientist in local biotech company. That was something that I have fought for. I am really proud for beating my depression. That had taken a lot of time but eventually I became a better person. I remembered long-lost fighting spirit and applied to just one sector of my life. And I have won.
    What is next? Well, I am going to perform well at my job. That is the first priority. Also I am going to renew my training. I have bought gymnastic rings. I am going to get some. And, of course, I still have the university to be taken care of. I am not going to fail there too.
    There are a few cute girls at my job. One of them is my former acquintance from university. I like her. I want to try to develop our relationships.
    Well, I have noticed one interesting trait of myself which can impair my progress. I am quite unconfident in unfamiliar situations and tend to postpone decision-making in such cases. That can be another form of procrastination. But also I sometimes just make decision and all that suppressed insecurities stay silent. When I focused on actually doing something. That seems like an inevitable part of my character. But I don`t accept that. I don`t accept who I am, I don`t accept my weaknessess and fears. I am only a human and I can`t become ideal in a blink of an eye. But I have learned a lesson this autumn. A long-forgot lesson. A lesson about fighting and staying hard and hungry. A lesson about fighter mentality.
    I was a stubborn child. I was also a chess practicioner back in my childhood. I was not gifted. I have experienced a lot of hardships to achieve some victories. Eventually, I quit. Back in the days I was not ready enough to rethink about lessons learned from my chess experience. I was overly emotional. I still am. But later that grit and perseverance and stubborness helped through my highschool. The problem is I did not understand it then.
    I feel better when I do not postpone decisions to be made and actions to be done. I feel better to be aggressive and attacking my tasks.
    I know what to do and know how to do it. The only thing that left is actually to DO. It is an every day battle. Without relax. The same with addiction. I am on track.
    I want to thank everybody here for support during this mad year.
     
  4. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    PMed twice
     
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2022
  5. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Learn to forgive yourself after transgression. I ahve learnt to do it after relapse and it have helped a lot. FROM Everyday PM and emotional rollercoaster to weekly PM and a lot better mental status. It is all about slow improving but all-or-nothing mentality.
    But I still have to learn how to forgive myself. I procrastinate quite often and feel generally insecure but do not like to admit that I am unconfident or scared. I used to beat myself for procrastiantion or less-than-ideal performance.
    Being good at something is great and I like to win but noone can win constantly. No one can win without fails. It is OK to lose. It means you have the room to become better. I forgive myself for my inability to win all the time, to be an ideal, i forgive myself for my lrocrastination. I leave all-or-nothing mentality in the past. I leave beating myself up for not completing the day as planned in the past. I am not an ideal and plans tend to be fragile. Still, I always can do something.
     
  6. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    I am grateful that my parents are alive
     
  7. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

  8. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

  9. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    I am focusing on reducing of PM. Just quit once and forever is not achievable for me. I failed and tried again, I can not quit addiction which have taken years to built. So, I am focusing on reducing of harmful activity.
    I have taken a couple of classess on Coursera on well-being and related stuff. Also, I have discovered a helpful Youtube channel called Hamza. There are a lot of things I want to improve, especially emotional intelligence and social competence. Also I am going to drastically decrease amount of Internet consuming. I want to be more present in the moment and do more: workout again, educate myself for my job, be good at university.
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2022
  10. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    The world around me is so wonderful. There is so much to experience and learn. Mountains to climb, books to read, people to meet, challenges to overcome...
     
  11. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

  12. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    PMed. I usually relapse when I am in bed sleepless or staying awake bored. Then fantasies start to kick in. Well, no big deal.
     
  13. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Interestin thought came up to my mind. What is common of all possible scenarios of my slips? It happens when I lie sleepless and alone in my bed, it happens when I wake up alone in my bed, it happens when I am bored, sick of the grind, angry, sad and so on... The one thing is really the same: I feel not good. It is not necessarily awful, just not good. Lonely, bored, sad, dreamful.
    Why do I sometimes feel not good? Because man is worthless without achievements. We are judged by others and by life on our achievements. I really do not have any outstanding achievements. In fact, I am average, mayve, slightly better at academia. Then fantasies become an escape, a road to better world, the world where I am worth of something good. In fact, all this modern ''self-love'' thing is based on the same idea and imposes a feeling of worth.
    So, what should I do in case of an urge or fantasy? To recognise and acknowledge it. I feel myself not good enough and want to manage it by escapism. But also it is a sign. My body and mind are telling to get my ass from the couch and make things happen. My inner self gives order to attack and conquer the world, to achieve victory, to provide for my family, to fight against the enemy, to climb up the hierarchy, to find a woman. It is a voice of hunger and drive which was suppressed by bullshit from the school system and society. "Be nice, not aggressive and so on'''. Fuck it!!! Urge-is the voice of natural aggression. What should I do? To work harder, to focus on my work, to fight my fears, to knock down push ups until failure.
     
    UK Don likes this.
  14. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

  15. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Occasional slip. Was a quite intense day and I was short on mental capacity to reroute myself towards productive pathway. Also, the fantasies was quite poeerful, especially in the morning, maybe due to the higher testosterone levels in morning. I am learning to manage my emotions and urges. To cope with productively.
     
  16. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

  17. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Med. Do not listen to the lies.
     
  18. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    This is spot on I think. We have trained ourselves to cope with any negative emotions using PMO. All this does is numb us to the emotions, not teach us how to deal with them in a productive way which will contribute to our lives and help propel us in the direction we want to go in the long run. Why do we do this? Because it is easier and makes us feel better in that moment. We need to learn to accept that we will feel lonely/bored/sad at times. Then replace this with a more positive reaction to that negative emotion.

    Each and every time we deal with negative emotions this way, we are taking step in the right direction. Eventually these positive reactions to negative emotions will become our standard response.
     
  19. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    I have been procrastinating one particular writing assignment since 8th of January. This assignment basically my science project as a student of biology and succsessful completion may have added benefit of completion some requirements to me as a Master`s degree student. Well, I was working at my job quite a lot and making excuses to avoid writing this assignment. Deadline-15 th of February, but actually I must to made it earlier.
    I feel pressure and desire ti escape and postpone. Tasks seems hard, boring and worthless. These excuses are lies. To defeat these lies, I decided to make small steps. Today I have done only a little bit.
     
  20. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Didn`t want to write preplanned chapter of the assignment. And you know what? I DID IT ANYWAY. That is life works: sometimes no excuse is viable and you have to do it anyway. The on;y thing that is matter is YOU.
     
    UK Don likes this.

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