My journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Krebs, Sep 10, 2020.

  1. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Had a great trip to Budapest. Beautiful city with great architecture and delicious food. Bus tour to Hungary was amazing despite long queues across border and lack of comfort due prolonged time staying in the bus. Exposing to novelty and active engaging in whatever I do is definitely great. Somehow I did not feel a desire to watch P. Fantasies are still present but I do not lose control over it. Old burdens are not going to disappear overnight but I feel myself much capable to withstand its` negative impacts.
    I actually came to conclusion that this is arousal what actually important, not erection. I have heard about performance anxiety and believe that I also put too much pressure on myself in context of my sexuality instead of trust to my body.
    This Recovery Worchop is really a thing. I talked with my close friend who is a smoker and have been trying to quit for about a 3 month. He expressed same patterns as me about lack of control, relapses, emotional swinging and melancholy. I help him as much as I can and see a lot of similarity between our addictions. I hope I will help him.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  2. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    PMed. Well, old habits die hard. No big deal, just for the record. It was expected that there were some resets during my recovery.
     
  3. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Health Monitoring List
    1. Did I get up early today?
    2. Did I procrastinate today? If yes, how many time I waste?
    3. Did I train today? Did I fullfill my expectations?
    4. Did I learn something new today?
    5. How well I manage stress?
    6. How well I manage compulsive behaviour?
    7. Did I complete my to-do list?
    8. Did I go to bed at proper time?
     
  4. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

  5. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

  6. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    How to deal with natural sexual desire and arousal without masturbation and porn? How to sublimate my sexuality without compulsive behaviour&
     
  7. SmithSmithy

    SmithSmithy New Member

    I am going to drop some sublimation/"release" routes I have heard/think of, anyone feel free to drop opinions
    Basically what do you want your sexuality to look like at this point in time?
    Please feel free to ignore these bullets if you are not looking for other's perspectives.

    - think some people on this site advocate for a relationship to go through this journey with and support/ground sexually
    - focusing energy on living the life you want to / immersing yourself in other parts of life so that part is not prominent for a time
    . - can channel sexual desire/arousal energy into areas you want to be immersed in
    . - can build in time with significant other
    . - physical exercise/cold showers, for grounding (hard to be in your head with cold water on yer nuts)
    - understanding what your sexual desire/arousal means to you (what does your body trying to say and how do you feel about it?)
    - reflecting on what ideal life would look like sexually and having that in mind as vision
    For me, I think I have low sexual desires and I do/feel best when I am doing/immersed, so that's my bias.

    Whatever perspective works for your life is great, think the important thing is to just keep looking.

    Rooting for you and keep doing whatever helps you live the life you want (imo)
     
  8. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Thanks for advices). I have a reason to believe that I was completely negligent to me own sexual needs fulfilling it with porn. Looks like that I have to learn a lot of stuff about myself
     
  9. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

  10. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

  11. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

  12. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    The POSITIVE role that addiction has played in my life. What purposes has it served (short-term, not long)?
    First of all, it was self-exploratory. As every healthy teenager, I have to learn about sexuality at general means. What is that thing in my groin, how does it functions and so.
    Secondly, it is stress-relieving. I believe that such argument can be true for any addiction.
     
  13. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Understanding Addiction
    1. Sensory stimulation. It begun with with strange yet pleasurable feelings in groin and down of the belly. First erections completed the picture. At first, it was extremely pleasurable, interesting and I believe it was somehow natural. Today it is not as pleasurable as it was, sometimes I feel nothing at all.
    2. Fantasy. Fantasy was next. Beautiful girls around, I was and am young, so it is common for teens to think about girls. The problem is nability to establish intimacy with partners. The first girl I have romantic relationship was a year younger than me, 13, If i am not mistaken. She was amused by my intellect and sense of humor. At a time, I was school leader of our Brain Games team. She was my subordinate. Her name is Vici and she first started our relationships. We started chatting. Nothing extreme. And than happened our first date. It was spontaneous and we just walking nearby my house. We both were completely naive and unaware about romantic relationship.And we accidentally met my mom. She had seen a girl around me so I was forced to tell who is who. When I came to home I heard jokes about my first date. I was called something like Casanova. Don`t get me wrong, there was nothing intimading or humiliatng but I was too perceptive kid. Then my older sister literally forbidden me from dating and maintaining relationship with that girk. I was told to focus on studying in the school, that such relationships would end bad and so. I was obedient brother and broke away with Vici. I had never ever go to date with some again. I was focused on studying. But such approach is not applicable for teen in the middle of puberty. I have been using fantasy about sex in relationships since 14. I have a reason to believe that repressing of sexual part of puberty is the main reason of my addiction. I had a relationships in my head because I was forbidden to havesuch in real life. With time it became an escape from reality, stress-relieving with addition of masturbation.
    Than was Sofi, girl in my new school. We both were 17 years old.She was much smarter than me, she was actually brilliant and was very kind to me, a new guy in elite school. I have made my place at local food chain but was too ashamed to even start some chatting with her. Too focused on studying, too feared of rejection, and still with burden of past. Well, she was too fery focused on studying but who know how it would be.
    Than was Anastasiya. First year of university. Beautiful girl with very hot insta profile. We were in the same academic group, were sitting together. I had hit a pattern of a ''nice guy" with her. I helped her with studying and tests. "You can text me at every time both day and night". It was stupid. No one succsessful with such approach. Then we were at a party at her place. There were about 10 people and I was the only one who drank to vomiting. I had broken doors at her bathroom while being drunk. At the next day I had a terrible hungover and handful of bruises. I was told that I was drunk and attempted to force her to intimacy with me. I was extremely scaried because of proofs. She sent me a foto. Her face all in bruises. I had believed because had complete amnesia. Later I was told that was not true. Photo with bruises was made a month ago and I didn`t try to violate her. That deception was a punishment for my vomiting and vandalism. After that I have not even think about possibility of relationships with her. We left close friends. This mess happened at January. At March I discovered strange behaviour between her and my friend from the university. It took a while before I realised that they were dating. I was mad. " I should be with her". I was jealous, angry and resentful. I was at state of constant aggression still clearly understanded irrationality of such thoughts. It was my fault. I have failed in creating relationsips and still couldn`t repress my feelings. At that time my compulsive behaviour sinned out control. Multipul Pm`s a day, smoking. I was a mess. I self-inflicted pain and burns to somehow find a relief. It lasted about 4 months and their relationships less than year. And again I was too afraid and embarassed to even try a restart. At least gave it a try. About that time I discovered about nofap. Then Covid. Lockdown. Compulsive PMing all days as stress relieving and fullfilling unsatisfied needs. I desperately lacked human interaction. Then I discovered my complete unability to quit it and power of my fantasies. Then I discovered this forum and became aware that I addicted. Fantasies of failed and uncreated relationships with complete inability to create to develop these.
    3. Accomplishment. desensitization came near 2019. Weak erection. Previous porn coldn`t arouse me. I was afraid as every man at such situation. Let's say that a particular masturbation session last one hour and the goal of orgasm is reached, thus providing the combined high of those three elements of the wheel (fantasy, sensory stimulation and orgasm) as well as the additional high from having succeeded in accomplishing a goal. The pleasure obtained from the sexual act(s) quickly diminish after orgasm, but the feelings of accomplishment give the person a booster shot — allowing the euphoria to continue. The same person who sets out to reach orgasm and does not, will still feel some of the pleasurable effects (sensory stimuli, fantasy), but rather than reinforcing those feelings with success, they are accompanied by failure, which creates an even greater need for orgasm. This is the scenario of compulsive masturbators who do so to the point of injury, or complete physical exhaustion. This was a dead loop. I had fought by self educating about sexology.
    4.We all know what it is, and we know how intoxicating it can be. Because it plays such a large role in sexually-compulsive behavior, it has its own section on the wheel, although it could just as easily be left off of the wheel as it is more a byproduct of the other elements. Because of the absolute euphoria that it brings at the time of orgasm, it should be seen as having its own role in sexual compulsion.
     
  14. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

  15. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

  16. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

  17. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Had a great week. Real studying in universuty, no remote bullshit, some lab work, regular training. I was getting after it. Also, I must to admit a slight change of my social part. I had no trouble of conversations with strangers. I felt more confident and active overall.
     
  18. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Pmed. Old compulsibe rituals are strong, but I have identified it. I am not trying to quit porn i am building new better life and that approach is working.
     
  19. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

  20. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

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