My journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Krebs, Sep 10, 2020.

  1. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you could do with some structure in your life. You need to accept responsibility for how things are going and for the outcomes you are producing. Ever heard of an approach called 'Kaizen'? A philosophy based on continuous improvement.

    Perhaps you could choose a few positive habits and build them into your life - do them daily and consistently, without fail. You may not feel the benefits straight away but imagine the kind of person you could be if you repeat these positive habits for months on end?

    You're already exercising, which is great. Maybe add other habits such as reading a few pages of a personal development book every day, stay focused on your university studies (set aside time where you will work solely on this).
     
  2. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Well, I have recently finished my bachelor program. I did all required activities sbccsessfully: exams, science work and so on.
     
  3. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Four years of studying. L have learned a lot and met with wonderful people. But there were also wasted opportunities, bad times and self-destructive behaviour.
    I am a student of myself. My porn addiction is sign of emotional inability to cope with the world around me. Erectile misfunction - just a consequence of excessive stimulation. I really should to focus my attention at core problem. Physical inabilities are inevitable symptoms of malfunction and deserve only secondary priority . I will go through addiction recovery workshop and will post some tasks and thoughts here
     
  4. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
    1) actively committing yourself to change
    2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
    3) allowing yourself time to change.
    Actually, I was not committed to change myself. I was looking for just one thing. My motivation to recover stems from the consequences of my addiction not from no longer wanting to live such lifestyle. What is really good that I am OK with guilt and shame. I have learned from past experience that guilt and shame will not guide anybody anywhere. What was really hard, is to allow myself time to change. I always was impatient but recent experience taught me to slow down and play strategically
     
    Shield of Valoran likes this.
  5. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    A healthy vision of my life.
    I see myself as disciplined and resilient man, devoted husband and father, reliable coworker and independent professional, well-rounded citizen, both physically and mentally. Discipline is my path to freedom from unproductive impulses and strikes from life. I respect other people and ready to lead and follow. I subordinate my ego and pushing myself constanly toward excellence in all spheres of my life. I expect relentless pursuit towards my goals and values from myself. I make myself reliable as much as possible, to be ready to support my family, community and country. I see myself as true man, defender of my values. I ready to work hard and expand my physical and mental limits. I provide my myself and my loved ones with all necessary. I am capable of caring about and mentoring others. I see myself well-rounded, both physically and mentally.
    I have rarely building a vision of my life and that is one of reasons why this addiction grew up.
     
  6. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    My values:
    1. Being a disciplined person.
    2. Get things done at a right time.
    3. Wake up early.
    4. Being the most reliable person in my family.
    5. Be a devoted son.
    6. Become a devoted husband.
    7. Become a good father.
    8. Be physically fit in all aspects.
    9. Being able to defend myself and others.
    10. Being ready to lead and follow other people.
    11. No complacency.
    12. Be the true professional at chosen carrerr field
    13. Be the role model for others.
    14. Develop attitude of extreme ownership.
    15. Develop emotional maturity.
    16. Financial independence.
    17. Subordinate my ego.
    18. Live more extraverted lifestyle.
    19. Living active lifestyle.
    20. Take care of my health in order to prevent malfunctions.
    21. Being able to receive love.
    22. Being able to give love.
    23. Be a loyal friend.
    24. Being able to understand myself in case of emotional owerwhelming.
    25. Being able of understanding others feeling.
    26. Feeling like a real man.
    27. Sexually confident.
    28. Physical good-looking.
    29.Being respected.
     
    TrueDat likes this.
  7. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    I am letting go the "must have" approach from my life. It does not work for but surely may work for someone else. I accept my own weaknessess and strengths. I accept that I do not fit in some stereotypes around me and I do not fit in not so realistic expectations from me. I can fail, make stupid mistakes over and over again. I forgive myself for these missteps. That is like chess: sometimes you blunder horribly and start beating yourself. "Arrrghhh, I am so stupid idiot!!!!!!". But there would be only two options: quit or continue play. Quitting is not the option anymore. Quitting means betraying values and standards. But I still have to move forward. Do not matter what have happened with in the past. Do not matter which blunders I made. I have to play the exact position on the board. It do not matter that I have this addiction. I am the other person. I have told my best friend about my addiction and was encouraged to make things happen in my life. I do not fear shame of telling the truth about who I am. I am not the ideal, unrealistic image from my fantasies. And these fantasies just not true. They are the product of my psyche. The bad attempt to bring some love, joy and happiness in my life but the method was inappropriate. I let go the past and let in the future.
    I have been thinking for a ling time about my values. The most important one is being disciplined person. Getting things done and controlling myself. Having a true freedom from impulses and bad habits. But freedom is not free and I have to earn it every single second. Every second counts. Whatever I would be doing, regardless of how meaningless or boring, it will be done in time with my best efforts. No complacency. No slacking off.
    My mind can not tolerate the challenges from the world because my body was not ready to function at max RPM's. Inactive lifestyle, lack of exercise- all these have made me less agile and fit for life. I am not going to continue it. My second value is to being physically fit. Everyday training with no excuses. Strength, speed, stamina, power, mobility-all these can be trained by myself without any fancy equipment. Fit body is great-looking body, it is the chassis for brain, it is able to defend myself from any threat.
    My third most important value is being loyal for my family. I have to take care of them because noone else would do. I am responsible for them.
    Fourth- I am ready to embrace the extreme ownership, subordinate my ego and constantly learn how to implement those three. I am ready to learn and educate myself about emotional intelligence, self-improvement instrent and approaches. I am going to try, fail and try over and over again. I will battle anxiety and depression and will not let them take control over my life again. I will challenge myself in those areas where I am weak.
    The true reason why I am doing it is not PM. It is a need to figure out how to live a good life. And a good life do not include addiction to extreme content. In order to this I become someone else. Someone truly better.
     
  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Very well said!
     
  9. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    This is great!
     
  10. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Proactive Action Plan: Implement Discipline In My Life
    • Waking up everyday at seven o'clock
    • Going to bed at eleven PM
    • Complete little tasks as quick as I can to avoid postponing
    • Make a list ot to-do`s every evening which includes entertainment
    • Divide big, important, scary tasks to smaller one`s
    • Read at least 10 pages from books from my self-made library every day
    • Make a notes by Obsidian from self-improvement books that I have read
    • Complete at least 1 lesson at Duolingo every day
    • Implement extreme ownership by taking initiative and making things happen
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  11. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Proactive Action Plan: Physical Fitness
    • Do some kind of activity every day
    • Gradually achieve a standard of 8000 steps every day
    • Complete back training with focus on strength and mobility at least two tines a week
    • Complete mobility and stretching workouts with focus on shoulders, hips and ankles at least three times a week
    • Complete running workouts as often as I can in order to raise my endurance, speed and overall cardiovascular agility
    • Complete bodyweight workouts 3-4 times a week
    • Do not punish myself for undeliberate skipping
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  12. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Proactive Action Plan: Self-Education
    • Use Obsidian in order to make notes from books
    • Continue to learn English from textbooks
    • Complete at least 1 Duolingo German lesson a day
    • Solve at least 10 chess problems every day
    • Read at least 5 pages about computer science every day
    • Start learning Python
     
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Those are some really good plans! You're definitely on the right track. Regarding language learning I can recommend the book Fluent Forever by Gabriel Wyner.

    Viel Erfolg beim Deutsch lernen.
     
  14. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Thanks for advice).
     
  15. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    A list of all the people that I use as compulsive sexual object.
    14-20 manual M from my classmates.
    A list of all the places where me go to act out my sexually/romantically compulsive behavior.
    bathroom: M, P
    Bedroom: M, P
    Kitchen: M, P
    Toilet at the university: M
    Outdoor toilet: M
     
  16. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Assessing my compulsive behaviour:
    1. Fantasy.
    • Numerous daily sexual/romantic fantasies involving a particular person, memory or act (can consume several hours each day)
    2. Romantic Delusions.
    • Lack the interpersonal skills necessary to develop and sustain healthy relationships, displaying instead a pattern of imaginable "instant intimacy" with others.
    • Extreme fear of rejection leads to extreme measures in efforts to alleviate that fear and fantastic displays of hyper-romanticism.
    Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With:
    1. Fantasy:

    • Pornography
    • Stress
    • Boredom
    • Feeling unappreciated, taken for granted
    • Media (TV, songs, books, Internet, etc.)
    • Love
    • Lack of intimacy
    • Visual attraction
    • Social situations/Public places
    2. Romantic Delusions:
    • Stress (especially related to low self-esteem, trauma and/or depression)
    • Visual attraction; Mental attraction
    • Social situations/public places
    • Media [television/movies (falling in love with an actor/actress through watching an interview, movie); songs (falling in love with a singer because of they way he/she sang a song), Internet (chat rooms, sites with personal stories), newspaper stories with a personal touch, etc.]
    • Poor social comfort zone (Intense shyness)
    2. Masturbation
    • Sensory Stimulation
    • Orgasm
    • Accomplishment (when fulfilling the "need" to achieve orgasm)
    • Lack of wanted joy, feeling unsatisfied
    Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With Masturbation:
    • Fantasy
    • Pornography
      • Life Stressors
      • Emotional imbalance (especially depression, anger)
      • Objects (especially visual stimulation, access to lotions, objects)
      • Unfulfilled romantic/sexual encounters
    3. Pornography
    I. Stimulation by the use of pictures
    • explicit pictures found in magazines such as Playboy, Playgirl, Hustler, trading cards, Internet, etc., involving sexual genitalia or sexual acts
    • pictures found in books, catalogs, magazines, comics, newspapers, etc., which are not necessarily created to be sexually enticing, but nevertheless are perceived by the viewer as such (including computer-generated images)
    II. Stimulation by the use of sexually explicit video
    • erotic movies produced for public viewing (e.g. theaters, television, CD, streaming video)
    • home movies produced by self or other private citizens that involve sexual acts or nude modeling
    • replaying, freeze-framing or putting into slow-motion those scenes which are found to be erotically stimulating
    • stringing multiple pictures together to simulate sexual action or movement
    III. Stimulation by the use of sexually explicit art
    • cartoons, comic strips, doodles
    • drawings, paintings
    • sculptures
    Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With Pornography:
    • Life Stressors
    • Emotional imbalance (especially depression, anger, anxiety)
    • Boredom
    • Curiosity
    • Masturbation (when orgasm cannot be achieved without additional stimulation)
    Elements Frequently Associated with Pornography
    • Sensory (visual)
    • Accomplishment (in the attempts to find the most stimulating images)
    • Orgasm
    • Fantasy
    • Masturbation
    • Romantic Delusions

     
  17. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Recognizing Unhealthy Recovery Patterns
    motivation for recovery comes from an attempt to appease others
    minimize their behavio
    believe that they have suffered so many consequences from their compulsive behavior, that it will be impossible for them to reach their lifetime goals
    inflexible in re-evaluating their lifetime goals
    They often experience selfish thoughts when caught acting out
    tend to be experienced by significant others across the entire emotional scale
    defective in the sense that their emotions, urges, impulses, etc. are experienced with much more intensity than "normal people"
    Relapse triggers are feared, and so their lives continue to be altered as a result of addiction.
    tend to focus on controlling past behavior, rather than learning new behavior.
    tend to see life in episodes — with beginnings and endings — rather than as a process.
    continue to identify themselves with their addiction and cannot imagine a life without such an association.
    tend to hyper analyze their actions, thoughts and feelings...and make the possibility of living a "normal" life all but impossible
     
  18. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Healthy Recovery Patterns
    often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change.
    extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness
    ften "test the waters" of recovery by attempting recovery for a few days, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few weeks, then acting out. Attempting recovery for a few months, then acting out. A weaning behavior similar to a toddler giving up a security blanket.
    tend to explore many different trigger situations to see how well they can handle themselves.
    tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life.
     
  19. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Fantszies are not real. Learn to deal with loneliness, boredom, frustration and jealousy some other way
     
  20. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Do the basics exceptionally well
     

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