Hello everyone. It is just one more diary/journal of a guy who fights with PM addiction. I am 20 years old, still virgin. I have started watching P at 2015, M-2014? and after 2 years on an addiction noticed a problem with an erection. I have had typical PM addicted story, but nowadays I am going to change it. In my case the biggest problems are sexual fantasy based in P because I had never had a girlfriend. I am using P blocking services and maintain 2 weeks streak without P but M`ing couple times. Any morning wood is associated with fantasy, M and after feeling like a wimp, P. Interestingly, i do not feel any pleasure from M, P do not arouse me ( I am avoiding pervert porn), it feels like just a habit. I have quited smoking earlier this year because of possible damage to my health and due to absence any pleasure from smoking. Getting rid of PM A LOT harder. Sometimes it feels like a didn`t control my body and mind. I hate it and going to stop. Also, psychological problems related to PM addiction negatively affected my life in all aspects, including studying, relationship with friends and working out. I have been working out since 2017 and inability to maintain a long streaks of training altered all progress made earlier into dust. I understand that all i need it is just discipline to avoid bad habit and cultivate good but it is easier to say than do. I had used a diary in my smartphone before but i really fear that someone discover my addiction so i am going to use this site like joutnal. I am going to post here my thoughts because possibility of reading it by someone gives me an obligation to stay strong, fight with problem and encourage others. I had tried to walk this road alone before regisration but miserably failed. My goals: 1. Pursuit academic excellence to create some meaning and order in my life. 2. Keep working out in field of calisthenics and bodyweight crossfit in order to become stronger both physically and mentally. 3. Continue learn English and German because becoming fluent in both languages is my dream and will give a lot of benefits. 4. Create a romantic relationship with a girl. I am not going to waste my life anymore. I set up a date. I am going to succeed regardless of possible hardships and failures, regardless of mood swings and childish emotional outbreaks, regardless of negative thoughts, feeling like a wimp, bad situations in life and flatlines. I am going to stay disciplined, wake up earlier, training harder, studying more and keep pursuit my goals. I am going to get after it and live my life.
Today l have a slight anxiety about some of my projects related to studying. Need to adjust plans and working with ignorant people makes me feel like beating of a wall. And the brain fog. Sometimes it feels like my thoughts are lurking in the mist, and one particular thought which I must avoid stays present. It is similar to switching channels of the old TV. Extremely difficult to keep concentration on task. What is really interesting, that combination of physical and mental work "builds" some kind of a wall, which stops dangerous fantasies from occupying my mind, but whet such fantasies break through my mental barrier I have to put significant efforts toward desired state. Almost like a meditation. I should try meditation during my breaks from studying, that helps my eyes to rrst and my mind to become stronger. Enough analysing, it's time to sleep and rest from today's struggles.
For me personally setting hard dates is difficult as it increases my anxiety. I no longer count days or set hard days. I do think setting small manageable goals is very important for an addicts brain. Long lofty goals are okay for me but I find it can be discouraging if you miss. So I set small goals, and small incremental changes and I feel progress is steadier. As I have had an all or nothing / fuck I type mentality with my PMO addiction over the years. I have never been able to meditate properly but I do have a mental safe space where I took in my most comfortable safest place in my home noted the smells, the feelings and the sights. When my anxiety is at its highest I visualize myself there and breath deeply and slowly. It actually has been quite effective for me. I also think of anxiety now as a hotel visitor. Don't know when it is coming, don't know how long its staying for, but I know there will be a check out and I try to feel it out. Reason I am sharing this is escaping or avoiding anxiety is my biggest trigger and can be for most of us I believe. Hope it helps and good luck Krebs!
Thanks for sharing your experience. As i can see from my mine, there are 2 things, that help to conquer anxiety: working out (especially good running) and hard physical\mental labor. The point is to concentrate on on task really hard and then negative thoughts are somehow being remowed from brain. Actually, I think that PMO-recovering guys care too much about things that are definitely useless - emotions. Do not get me wrong, emotions are great: joy, happiness, love, but we need to FEEL them and CONTROL. Otherwise we can get into trouble due to overanalysis, self-doubt, fear of failure, anxiety, frustration from slow progress. As mentioned TheUnderdog previously, porn does not the only reason of our problem, we are. PM are rather red flares. That video have a good example of mindset which we have to develop in order to confront the struggles on pur path. NO PLAN B mentality, like Dan Crenshaw . Just a goal and being utterly ruthless to anything that prevent us from moving forvard. Even to ourselves. That does not mean become a self-tyrant rather spiritual awakening and learning about a value of great feeling from getting things done. Sometimes we have to forse ourselves to beat cravings. to put down extra donut or erotic video, to pick up our own body and exersice. That is a way that is, hard days always happen. But also would be a great idea to negotiate ourselves in some cases and estavlish some reward for some little victories during recovery. Delicious food, new film, shopping, whatever- we are all human being, not robots. The combination of ruthless mentality with no pity to own whinig and encouraging oueselves for small victorious makes us peoples who do what are they are supposed to do- MEN. This is really easier to say then do in real life. Right things are often hard and bad ones easy. Life is hard and merciless. Be harder.
Reset. 6 days, my average streak. Just a lot of sexual imagery in my head, some low-controllable flow. There was no arousal or erection first, just thoughts which were everywhere. That is a problem. I can use blockers on my devices, but there is no blocker designed to mind. Workout didn`t help. I didn`t even have an orgasm or pleasure. Just fapping to fantasy without any real ''reward''. maybe it is good. No joy=less desire to fap again.
Again. M'ing after reading a book with sone sexual content. No P involved. Actually, it easier to me to abstain from P rather from M.l, but M'ing without P will eventually lead to M'ing with P. And those sexual fantasies(SF). Today i catch up myself on SF during conversation with my father. It was like part of my brain independently turn on SF despite any conscious efforts to turn it off. It is really hard to concentrate on the task during mess in my head. On the other hand, sometimes focusing on some labor or studying prevent myself from SF or urges at all. The SF are always first. I fear that these thoughts can stop my progress even if I will abstain from PM for a.long period of time, because SF are like porn in my head. Anyway, I can set a clear goal to abstain from M'ing during SF. I have read that there is a positive feedback loop, and if one replace some element of the loop, it will eventually break down. I am going to try a little Duolingo classes during sF. The hardest part will be to persist againdt all odds. Well, all positive changes require time, efforts, persistence and sacrificing my present self for.my future self, definitely better self.
Studying virusology can definitely tear off any urges) It much easier to resist urges during engaging in some interesting yet difficult reading. It feels much better without SF, with a normal human being thinking pattern. The part of rewiring is to substitute PM (unhealthy source of dopamin) to some real stuff which brings a healthy dose of dopamin. And it feels GOOD. Also a great idea is practicing stoicism during hard moments. PM is usual in cases when things went wrong or due to need to execute some boring task which seems stupid and useless. Stop complaining. Peoples had been in terrible conditions in nazi camps before end of WW2 and you complain because have a bad day? That is ridiculous.
M'ing again twice. At least without P. And binge reading of nonrelated to my area of study books. Sometimes it seems like my life is boring and in books I can be anyone, someone with interesting life, cool skills and without my addiction and illnesses. That is a lie. Worlds in books are not real, only attractive to immature mind. So are videogames. Progress in some RPG is not real, only quick. That is a difference. Literature and videogames are not bad itself but they are can seem like real life and substitute it. Do not make this mistake. Real progress, accomplishments and experience take time and I can not reset my own life path. It is frightening because of it deadly seriousness. I have one shot and I fear that I can lose. And that is normal. We all have psychological issues, hidden desires, unconsciuos fears and need of some stable ideology. What is really important that is our life will not last 100, 80, 40 or so years. It lasts only one day. From morning during noon to evening. That is life. Stop worrying so much and just do your business. Somemthing meaningful. Something truly important for you. Something that brings order to your homeand mind.
I had a lesson of successful employing of stoic mindset and humility. I had to be present at some experimental classwork. It didn't seem interesting because we were supposed to work with outdated, sometimes almost broken equipment and our instructions were misleading. Also I fear punishment for a.lie to professor about one experiment which i i h failed but made an effort to hide it. The most irritating thing was the order to write down instructions from books had been given earlier. This is completely useless because we still use books during experiment. Feeling of frustration and anger. That was emotional overreaction. Just like I did earlier. Who do i to judge the the instructions and orders given from more experienced human beings? Maybe I am not right? YES. I have had a perfectly rationalized complaint whether I had not a moral right to do it. I live in a great conditions despite the fact that my country wage war with external insurgents. I study biology, my favourite subject, and must not to earn money for living or fight with enemy forces. I have desired gadgets and internet. I have both legs and arms, slightly impaired vision, my parents are both alive. Who do am i to complain about? Yet there were moments in life when things don't work your way or happen something wrong. That is normal. It is normal to failure the exam, have been rejected by a girl, be ill, encounter unreasonable situations or just have a bad mood. What is not normal that is rejecting ownership for my own problems, real or so-called, and rejecting responsibility for my own emotional responses. That is simple. Someone/something forces you to feel bad (angry, frustrated, whatever) but that does not mean that someone/something is bad. It means that I shouldn't be arrogant and humbly react to everything around. Be cool, man. Keep your ego and emotions in check. Be humble, endure hardships with smile and take control of your mind.
PM`ing three times during morning. Same pattern. Almost no pleasurable feelings. Good. Don`t stay in the bed for long periods of time. Have procrastinated almost all day despite tasks which i had to do. What to do when you fall from path? It is simple, not easy. You should return to path.
Again. Same pattern. The longer I stay in bed the higher probability of undisciplined behaviour. It is so good to stay under the warm blanket and just relax, especially during weekends. It is so good to just chill after a hard week. But lying all morning is not a rest, it is rather laziness. I haven`t got commitment to my life vision yet. 1. Physically fit. It includes: strength training (man must be strong), metabolic conditioning (strong heart is far harder to break), mobility and stretch work (human being can not be as stiff as wood), self-defense skills (it is better to be a warrior in garden rather than a gardener in war). I have bought a couple Hard To Kill training plans and these are fantastic. It was expensive (for student) but worthy investment. 2. Language proficient. Man have to know a foreign language because otherwise he will be crippled in his ability to learn and communicate. It includes: C1 English level, B1 German level, maybe some other languages. 3. Academically excellent. As a student I want to be the best but my laziness, lack of discipline, doubts and complacence push ne back. I know what to do. I am nor smart neither talented. But I have learned a value of hard work, logic, decent strategy and feeling of accomplishment. Coronavirus lockdown made me abstained from my plans to study abroad. Good, I have a more time to get better for further academic steps. I am going to create a strategy of learning my subjects and working through classes. 4. Relatively health. I already had a bad vision and i am not going to do made it worse. I implement an exersices for my eyea and strict regime to avoid excess pressure on. Also I carefully monitor ant weak link of my body. It can be a perfect carrier for my mind; it will be. 5. Human relationship. I have to maintain a my relationship with family and take care of them in case of need. I have done that earlier. I am a man and I am going to be a MAN. I am not sure what to do with romantic part. I had never ever been a boyfriend and feel concerns about such behaviour. It is terra incognita. But I am sure that I am not interested in superficial relationship. A bonds bettween man and women very hard to build and very easy to crack. I am going to focus on creating a meaningful connection, not just a getting laid. 6. Job. I want to be a scientist but is a difficult path due to financial reasons. Maybe I will have to work on second job. Quitting is an option only in case of dangerous illness of one of my family members. There is no Plan B. Thoughts of Plan B have already negatively impacted my academic pursuit; I am not going to let it further. 7. Hobbies. I am a big fan of scientific fiction and going to use audiobooks (my eyes need rest). Earlier this year I have discovered philosophy and loved it. Same strategy, more wisdom to acquire. Chess and strategic games in general. I am an amateur chess player and it is time to start developing my chess skills to the next level. Chess.com will help. Also I am going to learn as much as I could about wiring, plumbing, car repairing and other man`s stuff. It is cool, helpful and truly interesting. Last, but not not least, informatics. Computers are inevitable part of modern life and I want to be skilled. I am not going to crying about my emotional status, cravings, relapses and so on. This journal will serve as diary; I will record my progress about differrent aspects of my life. Also there will be my thoughts on practicing stoicism, discipline and humility. I am not breaking a bad habit. I am living my life.
Have worked quite productively this Monday but sometimes too slow. I am a slow person and rather will be working slow but in detail than fast. Sometimes I work too slow. Good. One more area of improvement. Have kept my emotions in check and avoided unproductive conflicts. good. I have a 7-day streak at Duolingo. Good. It is time to make it longer. Have not worked out. Bad? Good. I will not repeat this mistake. I have to carefully demarkate my place for studying and my place to sleep/relax. Studying in the bed-ineffective. I have to create a habit of studying only at my table.
M'ing. Today. Hade washed my brain by a good run afterwards. Killed the chaser effect. Succsessfully employed detaching during critics from my professor. She was right and keeping my ego in check also.
PMing for 3 days. Have lived undisciplined lifestyle besides working out. Barely avoided a conflict with my sister. Just don't know. I have so much to do with my studying and even more to do potentially. I feel like I have not properly organized my time yet. A little bit of anxiety. Well, it was predictable that I will face problem quitting PM. Actually, I try to refocus myself on doing positive things not quitting negative. That is simple but hard. Old patterns of behaviour are just ubiqitous and I often slide into them without realizing. One of them is a habit to rest after a "hard day" when in reality I still have an energy to work. I will procrastinate the rest. I will go to bed at 23:45 and wake up and get out of bed at 08:00. I What is really good that I have avoided a lot of conflicts, stopped complaining and become more humble, working out regularly, keeping my Duolingo lessons . But I still need to build discipline more. I should create a strategy of studying and of live. What is important and urgent will be the first priority. Second- important but not urgent. Third-urgent not important I should do quick. Fourth-avoid. The problem is that I a slow worker. I would rather work more but without hurrying. I should learn to work faster. Today I have to accomplish a very interesting task- show presentation about glucoseoxidase and make some cool looking experiments. I do not know why I have agreeded to take part in. Maybe, it was uncareful decision. Maybe, because it will be fun and I trust and love my professor with whom we work. Maybe, because it was right thing to do. Maybe, I was too bored due to lockdown. Anyways, I still have a lot.to do. I feel pressure and have a little time to accomplish the tasks. Good. It is time to work effectively and keep my emotions in check. I feel a lonely and isolated and just like in a nightmare where everything very odd. Good. Is time to wake up, put down pink glasses, and act and think like a man, not liitle scared whining girl.
What is a great day. We had a great scientific popularizatuon event. I am tired as hell. Have worked 8 hours at.insane pace. My professor said that I should have a habit.to work at such temp. That was great. Feeling of getting job done. I like it. I like ti accomplish the task abd conquer the mission. I like meaningful daily grind. But the problem is that every grind is meaningful. Tye worst job ever have sone meaning. Find it.
Have some trouble with sleep. I have not used to go to sleep relatively early. Moreover, usually i go to sleep after 00:00. That is horrible. Feeling groggy, headache, inability to wake up and get out of bed. Well, I have made a habit to work out and take Duolingo lessons. Time for more. Strategy with keeping myself busy and concentrate on making positive changes in life really work. It is like to switch a mode in my head and go on full spead warmode. Just me grinding towards my goals. Too less space for junk thoughts and actions. And still much work to do.
I need a built a system. I waste too much time and really worry about upcoming tests. That is not fear just a feeling of being vulnerable. Later this year I had feeling like a beast in the cage. Lost control of situation and time. Handle it was really difficult but everyday schedule and some philosophy lessons helped. I need to instill some time-management system like i had used earlier. But the cornerstone is simple: discipline. Do the right thins and do not do wrong.
Just don`t feel like it. That`s how I feel last week. Maybe that`s a weather, cold and moisty, without sun. I always feel groggy during this period of year. Maybe it`s result of forceful distancing. I really miss some of my friends and any online messengers can`t replace real talking. Just don`t know. Maybe i am complaying and whining over stupid things. Maybe I am burned out. Or just opposite: so sick of routine that my unconsciuos began riot. Feeling stuck in the swamp while others have full-speed life with all it pleasures. Maybe it`s just a boredom from lack of stimuli. Or I was to tyrannical to myself. I almost didn`t had any hobbies or times out. Most of my hobby are are strict and help me to become better man but I very rarely go out with my friends or so. Just don`t know. Feel lonely and isolated and sick of my sister with whom I live. Maybe I don`t know how to manage my emotional ups and downs. Or I so afraid of failing the test that I unconsciously make efforts to actually fail. Someyimes It feels like all my lofe just studying and I am not interested in. Or I just whining. Or it is an effect of abstinence. I have read reports of guys who had severe withdraval symptoms. They had similar mess in their heads. Well, the only manageable way of living is to continue doing what I am doing. Why did I haven`t that idea earlier? That is actually withdraval symptoms. 7 days clean. It close to my best streaks. And I actually do not want to PM, amounts of erotic fantasies and intensity are far less than it was earlier. That like light pain from/during exercises': feeling of weakness leaving the body. Update. Can't handle. PM'ibg twice. Well, that was better that earlier. Still have some work to do. Procrastination and self-sabotage are results derived from lack of discipline and absence of satisfaction to my inner "child". What to do with lack of discipline-is simple doing what is right. But I really need some relaxing activity. Reading, playing chess or videogames, TV series-only like reward for accomplished tasks.
