My journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by John Ball, Apr 12, 2020.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Staying away from P is one thing. Overcoming the fear of ED is another. Once you start stressing about it, you lose your boner.

    I think you’re better off starting a relationship slow. Dating a while before engaging in sex. So many people go for sex before they even had a good and deep conversation first, it’s kinda weird in my opinion.

    The thing is. When you’re focused on your boner, you’re not focused on her. You’re not connecting, not building a relationship, not focused on giving her pleasure, not feeling the sensations in your body, not in the moment. You’re just stuck in your head.

    A lot of times people will say:“stay a way from P and it will fix ED”. Well that’s true and not true at the same time. It’s mandatory to stop P, so you can put yourself in a position where you can heal ED.

    If you can meet this girl again, just be honest. Tell her what happend. You quit porn and now you’re reconnecting your brain to a healthy libido. When you’re relaxed and comfortable together, and you’re not focused on it, erection happens. Then just stay relaxed. It might come and go. Be open in the communication and at a certain moment you’re rewired and it all just works.
    John Ball likes this.
  2. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    There are other things that effect erection quality such as including exercising and eating well.
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2020
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  3. John Ball

    John Ball Active Member

    Yesterday I was down and I still am tbh but I think this is so true, I thought I had done enough by avoiding porn and m, but there’s so much more too it, I need to stop myself from ever edging again completely from noe on too.
    axebattler likes this.
  4. John Ball

    John Ball Active Member

    Thanks for this. I do understand what you’re saying, it is obviously a sore point for us, it’s not something easy to talk about and there’s no easy solution.

    I do understand what you’re saying of course, being sensual, getting to know someone, being comfortable with each other etc.

    I will do this if there’s a next girl; but I know how important it is to prepare myself for this by not even edging. I really feel edging is something that is underestimated in how negative it’s connotations are - we are effectively replaying porn in out head to make a scenario and it needs to end for us to progress and grow.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  5. John Ball

    John Ball Active Member

    Of course, and I agree, but I am pretty healthy, I exercise every day and do numerous sports too. I feel it is a mental thing, it’s actually quite surreal when you think about it, how your brain has just lost the pattern of something, actually lost is probably not the right word, more we have helped waylay it.
    positivef likes this.
  6. John Ball

    John Ball Active Member

    Just popped in to say I’m on day 133 now. Still edging way too often but in general I am feeling good.

    hope you are all well.
    positivef likes this.
  7. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    It's great to hear you are making good progress.
  8. John Ball

    John Ball Active Member

    Thank you for this, I appreciate it.

    Unfortunately, this morning I edged too far and came. I am actually not as gutted as I thought I’d be. I managed to last without m for 138 days, which is good progress. Having said that I feel like I’ve just thrown all that progress out the window with a moment of weakness.
  9. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    You haven't thrown your progress out of the window merely lost one out of many battles. Your brain is healthier than 138 days ago. The point of counting the days is to motivate progress not to bash yourself over the head with.
    Back on the horse : -)
    John Ball likes this.
  10. John Ball

    John Ball Active Member

    Thanks man I appreciate that.

    I have to be honest I am really worried about this now. The last thirty days, I have been genuinely good, I actually haven’t watched any porn in years now, apart from glancing at some stuff shown on the tv, but I don’t go looking for it, and I don’t feel the urge for it. But the last thirty days I have hardly really even fantasised about girls, as much as anyone else anyway, I haven’t really done anything that would hinder my progress until last night. I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about sex, and this is the most disturbing part, I wasn’t even hard, I can’t get hard, so I was lying there with a flaccid penis, and I could feel that rush coming, And it came out. You know when you relapse and you have that horrible self loathing, guilty feel? I didn’t even have that, I just felt pathetic , humiliated.

    What am I supposed to do with a girl when a: I cannot get hard
    b: I cum instantly?

    Seriously though, I feel so down about this instant non erect ejaculation. Hs anyone else had this? Any advice? Thoughts?

    Appreciate any reply.
  11. John Ball

    John Ball Active Member

    So I finally got to get with a girl, we are doing all the foreplay, and I can feel my dick struggling to get hard. I carry on the foreplay in bed and I eventually feel that my dick has got hard (but not with the feeling it should, it’s like the dead feeling.)

    As I am kissing her, out of nowhere I come instantly, she didn’t even notice tbh, but I was so embarrassed. I had literally just pulled my underwear off, and I came, it is not just embarrassing, but incredibly demoralising. I felt, no I feel hopeless, I honestly don’t know where I go from that. The only time I have a reasonable boner is when I wake up sometimes, that’s it. Then afterwards again, I just could not get hard, bear in mind I was using viagra too.

    Has anyone got any advice? Give up? I am seriously, seriously thinking of just not even trying to get a relationship now, I can’t cope with the humiliation.
  12. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Sorry about all that, but you have to get a grip on yourself, man. You can’t give up, you have to keep going and do what’s good for you. Stay away from porn and don’t run away from women and relationships. Things should improve with time.

    Good luck, man. Don’t get discouraged.
    John Ball likes this.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that. My advice would be to chase after a loving and safe relationship over sex. In a safe environment like a marriage you can open up about your worries, anxieties and difficulties. When the fear of rejection falls away, you’re now a team fighting for the same cause.

    The problem with ED is that failing to get hard is a traumatic experience for most of us guys. As you say it’s humiliating and we feel less than men. Transparency about our struggles, fears and worries. Combined with abstinence from PMO fix the ED for a lot of guys. It’s about breaking the downward spiral.

    Ofcourse you’ll have to find a patient and loving woman, but most women prefer honesty over perfection.

    Hope this helps!
    Deleted User and John Ball like this.
  14. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Oh man. That's a lot to go through.
    No matter what happens, just never give up.
    John Ball likes this.
  15. John Ball

    John Ball Active Member

    Bilbo, Boughtwithblood, Shady, thank you so much for your replies and advice. I won’t give up.
  16. John Ball

    John Ball Active Member

    On 90 days: I have edged a few times so it hasn’t been perfect but I have found that whenever I have just not acknowledged or made myself not think about being with a girl, I do feel better for it, my body feels better for it. The trick is to not fall into the old traps and avoid thinking about PMO.

    Thanks for all the replies and good luck to all.
    Shady and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  17. John Ball

    John Ball Active Member

    133 days I made it to before my stupid childish edging which I have been doing more and more of, ended the longest streak I’ve ever had.

    As I’m sure you guys know, I feel pretty horrible about myself right now.

    Going over the last 133 days in my head, I have to be honest I don’t think i ever seen much improvement. I went through the dead dick phase where your dick feels like it isn’t a part of your body, that was unpleasant. I had one tangible moment of progress I was thinking of a girl in work and suddenly got decent wood. Honestly, that was a big moment for me, I was feeling good about it. That was about 45 days ago and I haven’t had a moment of progress since I relapsed this morning.

    I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel so depressed when I think about it. I am almost 35 years old, I am not 21 with time to spare - the fact is I need a relationship, I can’t afford to try and go 2 years abstinence from everything when there’s no guarantee it works.

    What do i do now? The last few girls I’ve been with, my dick hasn’t reacted at all, that is even when I have taken pills beforehand. He just doesn’t want to know.

    Sorry, I don’t want to be depressing everyone but I just can’t see a realistic scenario where I’m ever with a girl in a long term relationship. It is devastating

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