My journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Cater, Oct 24, 2018.

  1. Cater

    Cater New Member


    Hi to everyone,I don't expect people will read or comment my journal, I do it because it was the one of the tools I used in my first attempt of reboot.

    I don't want go into the details,but I managed to abstain from PMO for more than a year,but I relapsed and then again and again and again...after 2 years or more of this apparently neverending cycle, I just want to stop it.

    Why I want to stop it?
    Because when I don't fap especially to porn I feel a lot better,my mood improve,my attitude improve,everything improve.
    I improved even my erection,even if I was not totally recovered. But I managed to pass from not having erections at all even with the injection from the doctor to be able to have sex.
    But I want the best erection I can have,I want to feel the real pleasure and sense of accomplishment from real sex,I want to be the best I can and I want women happy and satified to have been with me.

    I got complacent,maybe because I have a girlfriend who want me and want to stay with me even if I have this problems.
    But now the time is come,the time to make another set of changes in my life.

    I'm not a totally good person,I have asshole traits and defects. I don't search the perfect moral here.

    The main reason that drives me here again is the fact I fell in love of another girl and I want to be able to have sex with other girls and I'm scared of my problems.
  2. Cater

    Cater New Member


    I don't want to write the accurate story of my life,just a reminder:
    smart kid,handsome with a lot of friends,one of those you think they have the future in their hands. Indeed,but with my hands and porn I wasted my life. I know that PMO was a symptom and I investigated on my problems and situations.
    I failed to have a regular life while depression and anxiety increased with time and PMO and alcohol was my medicines.
    Depression and anxiety became so hard that I had to go to some doctors and therapists,I took psycho drugs I tried everything I knew , but nothing worked. I tried to kill myself and I went back and forth from mental institutions.
    The idea that I could have killed myself if the pain was too hard was sometimes a really sweet thought and accompained me for years.
    It was a deep spiral, I had became a psychiatric patient and couldn't even work. I even did a "job" for disabled people ( I did secretary for a small onlus) but failed because it was overwhelming for me and leaded me to my last hospitalization in a mental institute.
    Exit from the institute I passed hell times,because drugs fuck up with your brain.
    My doctor even suggested me that I could have gone to live in a protected house with some other patient. The only good thing from that period was my actual girlfriend,knew on internet,who cared me even with my problem.

    When my doc suggested me that thing, I was in front of a choice: keep going down or trying something else.
    I can't remember the exact thought process that leaded me to follow my way,but I chose to be responsible of my life and health. Other people clearly couldn't help me,so I had to try by myself.
    I quitted all the drugs cold turkey (don't do it guys,it was risky) when I was alone and I passed through the hell. Every moment of the day was terrible but after two long weeks thing went better.
    Slowly I regained some normality,slowly I implemented phisycal activities (I was barely able to go upstairs with the groceries),slowly I implemented good habits instead of bad ones.
    I regained a lot of my personality.
    I started to try supplements and take notes daily of the results:
    I became my doctor and tested things on my self.
    Things went better so I wanted to take care of my inesistent sexual life,went to doctor again and there wasnt physical problems.
    I did some search and I found nothing,there was nothing in my language and doctors know nothing about the dangers of porn.
    But one day I luckily found an article about porn,who leaded me at the end to the Gary Wilson (God/s bless him) talk and book. So I started to read his book (learning some english)
    and after some early difficulty I quit with PMO,with the help also of this forum (God/s bless you).

    I improved a lot,started to work again and to have a social life. I was improving,but not in a linear way. It was an up and down,but the down was everytime less "down".

    After 14 months of no PMO i relapsed,so I started a cycle of relapsing every few weeks or few days.

    Now is the time to do it better,I'm working to open a business (with partners) I want a good life and I know I can achieve it.

    I did well at the gym,I switched to strenght training and I'm in the best shape of my life,I have girls who compliment me and say I'm relly hot so I want to have a dick up to expectations

    It's really a good thing write here
  3. Cater

    Cater New Member

    DAY 3

    Yesterday I felt depressed,I felt like something was wrong but I didn't know what.

    Today things are slightly better,but I have to take an important decision on how conduct my life and I'm feeling a little lost.
    The decision is make the thing serious with my girlfriend or break up with her. We are together almost by 6 years and she is really a wife and family material,for a number of reasons.
    I have to think about it deeply and without hurry.
    On the other hand could be the first time alone since I'm recovered from my big problems and I'm curious of what I can do socially,sexually and all the stuff about my life.
    The problem is that I like her,but she have also some features I don't like. I want to live new things but I don't want to lose her because she is a person of value.

    I know that this is a dilemma that I should be glad to have,because until few years ago I thought I would be died alone in a street or in some mental institution (alone and unsatisfied).

    This aside I need to rebuild a life,because now I work a little and waste too much of time in unproductive things like browsing internet and watching tv series.
    I know that I should do other things,but sometimes I can't.
    Like reading books,I'm reading "Psycocybernetics" but I read some pages then I quit. I'm taking months to read it,even if I know it's very useful and I don't do the suggested things even if I know they are useful.

    Why I know what I have to do but I can't do?

    I hope than going on rebooting give me the power to do the right things.
    And I know it's completely a mental battle,everything come from my mind.

  4. Cater

    Cater New Member


    Yesterday I relapsed twice: I knew that I was in the situation where relapses happen (for me),I chose the easy path of dealing with bad mood and feelings.
    PMO numb the pain in the moment,it's like drink alcohol,but it's not a cure.
    I escape from problems instead of facing them. Plus the pleasure,but it's not a proper life. If I watch myself from the outside,I see a grown man wanking in front of a screen instead of doing productive things.
    I shuld change my enviroment,but is not possible now because I have to live here where I have my little work and earn my little money until my business will start (and because I'm learning things for my business here). The problem is the lack of people and the little money I earn.

    But I rationalize my relapse,I have the power over my self and over the urges,so it's my responsibility what happened.

    I need a counter but I don't know how to set it,if someone have some hint please tell me.


Share This Page