My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Auto Pilot

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gabriel1960, Mar 4, 2016.

  1. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    New here. Glad I found this place. Thank you to the moderators for this website.
    I was talking yesterday with my therapist when I mentioned, for the first time in 22 years of PMO recovery, that I had learned that what I was really addicted to was not the PMO, but what they call on the "neuro-chemical auto pilot."
    That's when he recommended to me the book "Your Brain on Porn," which I ordered yesterday.
    How I got to this new realization was from attending Gamblers Anonymous (GA) meetings. In GA, they acknowledge that it's not the wagering that is the problem. The problem is the "action." Action is the addiction, and what they're powerless over. (Action being the trance like state a gambler enters into while we're gambling.)
    I now realize that what my problem is: the "neuro-chemical auto pilot." Everything else is merely window dressing for it.
    That's all I have today. Thanks again for this web presence.
  2. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Just returned from a really great gym workout. One of the best I've had in years: legs, arms, core. I know why that was: it was this suite of websites. This layout is giving me optimism and hope.
    It is what it is.
    Thanks everyone! :)
  3. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Thanks to the moderators of this group. Your support is both needed and appreciated.

    I need to bring up a serious problem I've encountered all my adult life with this no PMO thing....

    This is a problem that, ironically, is very common for those of us who have also decided to give up booze and drugs. A "side effect," if you will.

    I have a chronic serious problem with too many, and too frequent erections. Sounds like a non-issue? It's a problem. Most of my friends who gave up booze and drugs have the same problem.

    This morning I, a 55 year old adult male, woke up with a raging morning wood. A cat couldn't scratch it. Obviously, you older guys who are off PMO can relate. I had just had sex six hours earlier!

    It's both painful, and annoying. The quick answer, of course, in today's high speed internet society is simply to PMO.

    Not a good idea.

    I guess, that's where this suite of websites come in. This suite is giving me the ammunition I need to blog through this problem. It seems to be helping.

    I can relate to those women who complain that they have size DDD breasts and want breast reduction surgery.

    The silver lining is that my partner and I will never, ever need Viagra. My husband and I (he's also sober long term, but never PMO's) hear those advertisements, and just laugh it off.

    It's kind of ironic. I gave up booze and drugs to avoid PMO, and it has only increased my cravings for PMO. I've heard other men who gave up booze and drugs complain of the same thing. Sometimes, the increased urges drive men back to the bottle. I have watched that happen with several friends. They say the main reasons why men relapse on booze and drugs is "romance and finance." This is serious stuff.

    Thanks for listening.

  4. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    As an aside, I've never understood the whole ED thing.

    I was married to a woman for 13 years. Usually I brought a wood to bed, but not always. Either way, we would end the evening with her having a screaming orgasm. At least weekly.

    Who cares about PE or ED? You don't need a penis to have sex with a woman. (Just ask any Lesbian.)

    I'm not trying to be cruel here.

    Women are so tactile! Who cares when, or whether, you had an ejaculation? All you need is two hands. I figured that out at age 15.

    I guess what I'm describing is an awful amount of work. Some men might even find it tedious. I guess it was a lot of work, at the time. It took being pretty unselfish. Heck, sometimes it took being extensively unselfish. LOL.

  5. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    I'm having a good day today. I'm kind of on a "pink cloud" after finding this suite of websites.

    Recently, it had gotten to the point where I didn't want to be alone at home, because I couldn't predict the outcome with the PMO thing. Last month I had a day where PMO lasted twelve solid hours. Having that experience really made me afraid to be me.

    I don't see that happening today.

  6. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    I feel like I've just been cured of brain cancer.

    This, too, shall pass, but I'm going to enjoy this pink cloud while I can.

    Life throws us so many curve balls. I'll accept whatever joy comes my way.

  7. Posse88

    Posse88 New Member

    I'm happy you have the feeling of been cured but i know myself i have a long way to go before i feel that feeling!!

    Keep it up Gabriel!!
  8. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    I've had some really excellent work outs these past several days.

    I'm thinking of getting some work out equipment for my home.

    I'm going to check a website, which will remain nameless, which is known for having cheap used furniture and exercise equipment, which is also a very slippery place. So I'm going to "bookend."

    Just wanted to let you know that I'm going on the website, and afterwards I'll let you know how it went.


  9. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Checked out the website. Surprisingly little used exercise equipment available. I thought there'd be a lot of available stuff.

    High-tailed it off the website when I was finished. Would have loitered around in the past...


  10. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    My experience is that relapse is all about a bad memory. I've said this hundreds of times. What I've learned is that this bad memory thing is specifically tied to my PMO "problem." There's a psychological term for that. It's called "denial." "Denial" belongs in the DSM as a disorder all by itself. But it's not there anywhere.

    Alcoholics suffer from it, so do we. You could give a lie detector test to an alcoholic, asking him whether he drank, while the liquor is still on his breath, and he would pass it, saying he never had a drop. The phenomenon known as denial is baffling.

    We've got it. I have a great memory, except when it comes to anything related to PMO.

    Some day, scientists will be able to explain it. I'm guessing here, but maybe it's that our PMO disease burns through (kind of like short circuits) the brain synapses that are also responsible for the memory capability related to events surrounding the disease itself.

    Like maybe those memory circuits that are responsible for memory, related to PMO, are burned through, and therefore nonfunctional. Or maybe the dopamine erases them somehow.

    Example: If I got a dopamine high related to placing my hand on a hot stove, then the dopamine would erase any memory of the pain related to placing my hand on a hot stove. Under this scenario, our memory circuits are erased....maybe like an etch-a-sketch, when dopamine is present.

    Hopefully, researchers will solve this puzzle someday, if they haven't already.

    Maybe dopamine is the underlying culprit related to the phenomenon of denial.

  11. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    I'm still amazed at the vast resources available here for recovery.

    I'm currently displaying the cycle: ....strength, setting goals, stress, isolation, fall, shame, get up........

    Right now I'm in the "strength, and setting goals" phase.

    Before long (I'm guessing about two weeks) I'll be convinced that I never had a problem with PMO. Why did I make such a big deal about it? Just don't think about it! Then comes the inevitable work related stress, I'll feel rejected, then alone, and then BAM! I make the decision to engage in a PMO session. (Why was I avoiding PMO in the first place? There's nothing wrong with PMO. Stop being such a prude!) Then comes the shame. Then the whole cycle starts all over again......

    I'm guessing the weakest link in this cycle is the "I make a decision to engage in a PMO session" phase. What happens when I don't choose PMO? Back to facing reality. Find other outlets for life-related stress.

    Exercise. Meditation. Vacation. Time off. Hobbies. Time with Spouse. See my Therapist. Live a sane life. Find healthy self-enriching excitement.

    I need to seek out healthy, self-enriching excitement.

    It doesn't have to match the excitement of PMO. But adrenaline and dopamine it must provide. I tried marathon running, but I blew out my Achilles. What's next?

  12. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Martial Arts training?

  13. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Fencing or boxing? I need something new and exciting in my life. I have no direct experience with either.

  14. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    I'm entering that phase, once again, in my addiction cycle, where I've forgotten why I'm even interested in abstaining from PMO. My consequences, which have been huge, seem minor. I just want to kick back and relax. Just chill out.

    This is probably the best journaling about my addiction to porn I've ever done, ever in life. It must be the group journal/blog effect that is so useful.

    I'm driving (five hours each way) to spend some time with my Dad this weekend. I have "Daddy" issues. My Father suffers from narcissism. Textbook case. Not a malignant narcissist, but a narcissist none the less.

    Those of you with a narcissistic parent know what I'm going through. Ugh.

    I don't exist outside of him. I'm merely an appendage of his, like and arm or a leg. I have no individuality. No separate humanity. It's pretty repulsive. Yet they can't exist without us. Whatever.

    Wish me luck.

  15. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    ....strength, setting goals, stress, isolation, fall, shame, get up........

    Currently in the "strength and setting goals" phase. Last week had a "stress" phase, but instead of PMO, I transitioned back into "strength and setting goals." I need to maintain this current cycle, instead of the old addictive cycle. Obviously, a life cycle that excludes "isolation, fall, and shame" means regular exercise and meditation.

    Had a brief meditation this morning. Need to seek out an extended version today, to avoid the pitfall of "isolation, fall, and shame." There is no current reason for me to turn to the addictive cycle. It's not necessary. I once had almost a year PMO free in the late 90's. Looking forward to experiencing this PMO free lifestyle once again.

    Who knows where this will take me?


  16. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Wow. My accomplishments in this area are pretty cool to look back on.

  17. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Planned on watching a five minute scene from a movie I've already watched several times. Ended up watching the entire movie, so now I'm sleep-deprived. If I can't get to the "neuro-chemical auto-pilot" from watching porn, I'll settle for a "Die Hard" movie.

    I could use some sleep.

  18. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Am bookending that I'm going to check out the fencing club today. It's two blocks from my place!

    Having a great week. Went to a face-to-face meeting today. I try, and generally succeed, in attending five face-to-face meetings a week.

    Love you all,

  19. Gabriel...glad you're doing so well...keep it up man!
  20. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    The fencing club meets Tuesday and Thursday nights, with Tournaments on weekends. I think it works pretty much like a dojo. It might be rough on the knees, like basketball or tennis, but at 55, I'll never take it to that level. I'm too old to be getting thrown around a dojo.

    I need to mention that the daily blogging and reading routine, which is helping greatly, is also pretty triggering. (But then again, so is watching TV.)

    So, although this suite of websites is somewhat triggering, the good outweighs the bad. I noticed than on one of these lists they even have a problem with bloggers recommending the hiring of prostitutes! That's not what I was expecting to see here. Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire!

    Great idea! Avoid PMO! Get Gonorrhea, Syphilis, and a whole host of other hard to spell STDs! Now there's a solution. That must of been what they meant when they thought up the metaphor of hitting oneself on the head with a hammer to cure a headache. LOL.


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