My journal overcoming a PIED femdom addiction - Age 20.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by kiwiboy86, Nov 18, 2016.

  1. kiwiboy86

    kiwiboy86 New Member

    Hi all,

    This is my first post on here every since I discovered yourbrainonporn one month ago.

    Let me start by giving you a background about myself.

    I think at the age of around 12 is when I first became interested in girls. Everything was normal back then, I used to love looking at playboy magazines that every kid that age does. Eventually I discovered more porn on the internet and by the age of 15 I was masturbating to very normal, vanilla porn. I had never made out with a girl or had any real life sexual experiences of any kind so far. All I knew about the sexuality side of things was from magazines (little bit) and internet porn (most).

    Warning triggers ahead.

    After some time I discovered femdom internet porn. I had always had a feet/boot addiction ever since I was very young, but this was when I really saw it put into play. It first started off with mild foot fetish (for about 6 months), and progressed to harder, more extreme femdom. By the age of 17 I was very much into joi and humiliation type videos. For the last two years, I have masturbated almost every day to ONLY femdom videos (mostly humiliation). I am now 20 years old.

    Experiences up until discovering yourbrainonporn:
    As I previously mentioned I have had barely any sexual experiences thus far in my life. When I was 17 I used to make out with girls, but even when doing so I would never be aroused in the slightest and be simply doing it due to societal expectations. I believe this was due to being entirely infatuated with femdom by this age. When I was 19, a girl I had met on a night out, took me to the beach, we started making out and got naked. I couldn't get even the slightest erection during the whole ordeal and felt so humiliated whilst apologizing and leaving. :-\ This is when I started to think I may have ED. A few months later I was in bed making out with a classmate of mine from University and the exact same thing happened - no erection. I was so embarrassed and felt depressed for the next few months. I was beginning to strongly suspect femdom porn was the root cause and not just performance anxiety/alcohol. Consequently, I tried abstaining for a week but after that I was right back onto femdom porn. This continued right up until a month ago, when I discovered this website completely by accident. I have a feeling this accidental discovery, will turn out to be my savior eventually.

    Since discovering yourbrainonporn:
    I read this website for literally 8 hours the day I came across it. The following few days, I watched Youtube videos, read reddit forums and focused on success stories. I tried to do all the research I could to find out the best course of action to combat my demon (femdom addiction).
    Motive: Reading all the success stories really motivated me. I FINALLY realized the gravity of my problem, and how it will NEVER allow me to live the life I want to. Every since I became more mature person (atleast I'd like to think so ;D ) I have realized I do not want an average life. I am very ambitious and have never had problems with self esteem. I've had a happy childhood and no traumatic experiences. I've never had any problems making friends, getting along with work colleagues and I am always the guy telling stories and keeping everyone's spirits up at events/parties. I am currently in Medical School trying to fulfill my dreams of becoming a Doctor :D
    The reason I say all this, is to show I have absolutely no reason to be addicted to femdom porn (especially humiliation), but yet I am. The only explanation I can think off is the most common one, getting desensitized to normal porn and needing more and more extreme porn for the same dopamine/serotonin release. This must have happened during my teenage years thriving daily on high speed internet porn.

    Actions taken:
    For the last 3 weeks I have completely quit ALL internet porn. The only virtual stimulation I have gotten is any bikini pics on I see on my Facebook feed or Instagram (is this still too much?). Within the very first week I noticed huge changes. I had more energy and time to do things. I was more motivated to do things. I was happier (tho a tad hornier too). I was also getting morning wood too (occasionally).
    Today (day number 25 since no PMO), I think I got too cocky. I woke up with morning wood and as a test I tried to arouse myself with just touching and no porn. It worked and I was in a great mood. To test my progress I went to a 'massage' place a few hours later. I once again could not get an erection, but somehow I managed to ejaculate whilst being completely limp. Afterwards in a dejected state, I hurriedly returned home and decided to write this post. I am feeling very disheartened right now but I realize there are always set backs in life, and the days that break you are the days that make you. I WILL beat this problem simply as I have no other choice.

    What confuses me is that I am able to get an erection simply by own hand stimulation with NO porn, yet I couldn't with the masseuse. Is this due to PIED or anxiety or maybe a combination of both? I am hoping to god it is not an organic problem (when should I go see a urologist?). After how long of an abstinence period should I try to rewire?

    As for now:
    I will continue with absolutely no PMO. In the following few months I plan on exercising daily, staying hydrated and eating right (something I have not done in a few years). This I believe should get me in much better shape, give a massive self confidence boost and be in general good for me, not to mention lower chances that undiagnosed diabetes or any other condition is causing my ED. I also only sleep for on average 6 hours a night, another area I need to improve in.

    Thank you for reading this far and if you have ANY advice or been in a similar situation, don't hesitate to let me know. I will appreciate it more than you think :)
     
  2. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Hey! Welcome, good of you to join :)
    I think I kind of walked the same femdom path as you. Congrats on your 25 days no porn.
    I don't have much advice right now, I've never experienced ED.. only problems with not cumming while having sex.
    I'll keep checking your journal and help you whenever I can!

    Good luck.
    Good to hear you've ambitions for your life, NoFap is certainly a way to kind of escape mediocrity!
     
  3. Hi kiwiboy86, thanks for reaching out via PM, I took a quick look actually straight away and I can see plenty of similarities between our situations.

    Firstly the great news - you are only 20 and discovered this! Still so young so there's no doubt you're going to get better and not miss out on as much of your 20's as I did (well I missed out on most of 20's in the sex department). There's really no doubt you are suffering from PIED though I tend to think guys like us who ONLY got off to femdom for a long time also have a strong conditioning element behind it too. This is both positive and negative I think as it allows us generally to not get caught in porn relapses by every hot girl on the net the way some guys do but obviously means we need to wire to vanilla in order to get better properly.

    Reaching 25 days is a great start but I'm going to be honest you'll probably need a bit more to hit the real progress but don't let your recent slip up crush your spirit, I had plenty of them among some good streaks and I eventually got there. One piece of advice I will give as I feel I wasted time by 'testing' or checking my erection to touch alone but it leads to MO which always seemed to result in each time the erection being weaker the next time and eroded my confidence so I personally found it to have no real benefit other than just being nice to see I could get hard to something other than femdom. However overall I would just make your focus as simple as this - a long streak of abstinence and then start trying to pick up women as that's when you'll start either feeling life down there or not. If you don't then look to continue the streak longer before trying again but don't let any failure get you down because it's just a matter of time.

    I wouldn't personally be using your massage parlour experience as a measuring stick as for me that's not real life and no doubt you were placing pressure on yourself to function which wont have helped. Most likely however it just is a bit too soon, while you'll be seeing the early signs of progress you probably just need to stick at things for a bit longer.

    Aside from all that above your plan to exercise and stay on no PMO sounds good, try not obsess over days too much rather than just breaking your bad habits and then advancing to rewiring. I know when I first started my plan after a 60 day failed reboot was to get 150 days up then start rewiring. I still feel that was a pretty good number and approach I just sabotaged myself. In your case as you have less years involved in porn I'd maybe try some rewiring around 60-90 day range. In the end everyone is different of course so don't hold yourself back if you are ready just dont freak out or beat yourself up if it doesn't go to plan.

    Hope this info helps.
     
  4. Clips4Souls

    Clips4Souls Member

    Hey man. I am also a femdom addict. It's great to see I'm not alone here. There's actually many of us. Please check out my journal. I've had a lot of revelations in the last few months that I think would help anyone addicted to femdom whom is early in recovery. Good luck. & stay positive.
     
  5. kiwiboy86

    kiwiboy86 New Member

    Hello again,

    It's been about a week since I posted this and I just want to say how amazing these responses have been and how much I appreciate them. I especially value GoingToSucceed's lengthy response as I was actually a little bit iffy on how long to abstain before testing for life down there. I think I will take your advice on the nay to massage parlours, like you said they are not the real thing and it places undue pressure to perform.

    Anyway as an update: not much has really happened. I am on holiday right now (mostly just binge watching Netflix) but I have stuck to some of the plans I made earlier. I have started hour long walks, sleep before 1am (huge deal for me) and eat somewhat healthy. I am yet to start going to the gym again, but no doubt will soon enough. Additionally, I have started to read 'awakening the giant within' by Tony Robbins - a fantastic book on self development and a book I think should have been mandatory to read back in high school. Anyone who struggles from a lack of motivation, direction, willpower or advice; just take a look at the first few chapters and thank me later. A quick Google search should show you a pdf version ;) (I do not advocate piracy for the record).

    Back to the elephant in the room. To be perfectly honest, I think I have been in a flatline this week. I'm not sure it's the correct term but basically I have been feeling asexual. Barely any boners, no morning wood and really only get erect when put my hands down there. I have absolutely no urge to watch porn/femdom and maybe fantasise for a grand total of 2 minutes per day if that. In saying all this, I am not at all sad or having mood swings - I feel perfectly normal asides from a tad asexual :")

    Once again thanks for all the replies and the time taken to reading my story. For any newcomers reading this, I encourage you to make an account and get involved in the community :)

    I'll keep you posted shortly.

    ps watching TV/Netflix and seeing makeout scenes in shows doesn't contribute to PIED does it? Cheers.
     
  6. Very welcome, glad I can offer some help. Great that you are starting some exercise and making the positive changes, it really is so worth it.

    As for the netflix/tv don't worry about it, long as you aren't going to start jerking off or run to the net to look up porn. Basically to an extent we've wired ourselves to associate pleasure with pixels on screens so need to stop that shit and focus only on real women. Of course for those of us with femdom fetish attached we are wired to that in some respect, some more than others so it's just another element but ultimately it comes back to stay the fuck away from porn and femdom and even masturbation while recovering and we will get there.is

    A lot of guys freak out over flatline but honestly when I hit that I embraced it because it makes it so easy to avoid porn/femdom and allows us to get the separation from our addictions. The thing that a lot of guys on here don't truly understand that porn libido is different to real libido. Basically as porn addicts we are used to getting crazy impulsive rushes to get off but that's really just our brain screaming out give me a dopamine fix, it's actually not a real libido. Now everyone has differences with their libido and sex drives and I'm sure mine is still very much correcting itself from years of abuse but mostly I don't have mad impulses for sex but when I actually start being intimate with my girl I feel myself coming to life. This is one area I am hoping builds up a bit over time as I do feel like I'd rather be more hungry for sex but only time will tell, bottom line is I'm not binging to porn and I have a sex life even if there's still a few issues it's a long way from being a total femdom addict limp dick. I'm pretty confident everything will work out I just have to stay the fuck off porn and focus only on my partner and that principal is true for everyone.

    Anyway I've said enough, good luck with your reboot, stay focused and try avoid my mistake of slipping up as it'll make things easier and quicker. That being said never beat yourself up too badly for any set back, just be thankful you know you can beat this and have the tools to do it!
     
  7. kiwiboy86

    kiwiboy86 New Member

    Hey once again,

    It's been about two and a half weeks since I last posted here. Two and a half rather uneventful weeks.

    Honestly, not much has happened. The flatline seems to have continued, but this is what others warned would happen so no real shocks. I'm still on holidays whilst working casually so am leading a rather stress free life at the moment.

    A moderate concern I have is when I was scrolling my newsfeed on Facebook and a video slightly linked to femdom came across (bloody autoplay started playing it), I got an erection within 5 seconds. I hate how this has happened as it's making me think I have made ZERO progress so far. It's been around 45 days (stopped PMO on Oct 24th 2016 for the record) and I would honestly hate for it to have been for nothing. I know it sounds impatient (and it probably is) but come on results, I so eagerly await you :)

    Hope everyone has been keeping well and off the PMO, keep in touch.

    Once again thanks for the response GoingToSucceed, as always it's appreciated.

    Good luck to both myself and the rest of you :D
     
  8. Don't be concerned by that, in fact there's a way you can actually conclude you are making progress from this little mistake. For instance on my first ever no PMO streak (which went for about 60 days before I succumbed to looking at femdom) I literally took a short look but the erection was stronger than it had been since I don't know when, additionally I literally had an O without even touching. Don't get me wrong this was still a screw up but the fact my erection was so much stronger than I ever recall I knew I was making progress as my brain and dopamine receptors were obviously regaining sensitivity and healing. As for the O? Well that just shows how bad by that point my brain was wanting a massive dopamine hit and it finally got it. Obviously you are much better off not to go down this path as the longer you are clean the faster this process will be.

    Just keep at things, stay strong and dont panic over seemingly a lack of progress, some of us dont have hardly any way to measure things until we get into an intimate situation.
     
  9. kiwiboy86

    kiwiboy86 New Member

    Hello hello hello,

    It's been a while since I have posted here. 110 days since my last PMO to be exact. As each day goes by it just seems like another number, none of the days have been as hard as the first week of it all. Flatline is a real thing people and it helps the days go by however I don't feel it is helping me get over femdom porn addiction.

    As for progress, I don't feel too much different since my last post. When I accidentally come across something even mildly femdom related on the internet I am still aroused - just goes to show how deep the neuronal connections still are. Maybe I am just wired this way? Regardless, I have still stayed away from ALL porn videos as that part of my life is behind me. I get a few spontaneous erections at uni roughly 2/3 times a week.

    I'm hoping GoingToSucceed's suggestion of it taking an intimate situation to really measure progress turns out to be true for when the moment arises.

    Until then, stay strong people and good luck!
     
  10. kiwiboy86

    kiwiboy86 New Member

    Hi,

    It's been about a month since I last posted on this thread. For the majority of this month it has been the same flatline. I was at the club two weeks ago, hooked up with a girl and still felt nothing which was a little bit disheartening.

    Yesterday, curiosity got the better than me and I MO'd in the shower to the feeling of touch only (no thoughts). Is this a good thing? Does this show progress? Is this detrimental to my journey? Who knows. I did this mainly to see if I could O without porn, to the feeling of touch only, and also to kick start my libido and get out of that god awful flatline. So yeah, that ended my nearly 140 day streak of no O, but I am still proud to say i haven't watched porn at all since day 1.

    If anyone has any words of advice or comments, i would appreciate it :)

    Thanks
     

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