My journal. I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by pdw123, Mar 3, 2018.

  1. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    Ok. A slightly calmer day.

    Good Friday bank holiday so I was able to turn the alarm off last night and have a lay in. The same and usual morning 'heavy feeling', which I suppose I will have to get used to while all this is so raw.

    Did a bit of tidying up and vacuuming which kept me busy. A bit of shopping, got my Son a punch bag so he can hit and kick out his low feelings. I hate I let him down so much but I am determined to show him that it is important to take responsibility for stupid decisions.

    Bless the culture of free-refills. Went to a Wetherspoons (bleurgh) and Ikea to while away a few hours for the price of a cuppa. Free wifi and free refills. I suppose they didn't really cater for me [​IMG]

    No response from my wife today having sent her answers to her questions yesterday. I'm going to try not to read anything into that either way.

    My brain is still trying to get me to relapse. It's tried a load of visions and a load of memories. Pleased with my reaction to seeing several attractive people when I was out today. Only 6 weeks ago I would have been turning round, checking them out, leching, fantasising, taking photos on my phone. It's all will power on the wave of shock and trauma, but I'm managing it. I think that if I can last until I start getting tools and techniques from my therapist and through the 12 steps of SAA I might just do it.

    I've bought my Son the punch bag as an Easter gift and the girls an easter cuddly toy each. I've asked my wife if I can come and give them personally rather than just leave them at the house when they are out. As I said, nothing yet though.

    Did my first phone call to a SAA fellow today. I've taken some calls before but never made one. Thank you Paul, it helped.

    My Sister has been asking more specific questions about the things I was arrested for. I know she needs to ask for her, but it actually helps focus my mind too. I think I need to make sure I don't just try and pretend it never happened. I have talked all through it with my therapist; she is great. It's tempting to just tell every bit of everything to everyone, but that's just too much. People don't need to know what's in my head - just me and my therapist.

    I told my solicitor what I have done; what I can remember doing. Best I will get is a suspended sentence. My head is already trying to think of what I say to my Son, how I can prepare him for the worst. I'm amazed and happy at how much I have thought of him and how much I love him. I hope I get to see him soon and hug him.

    Made it through another day and off to bed shortly.

    Thank you all for letting me yak, it helps.
  2. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    Do you get any kind of supervised visitation with your children? I'm sorry you are having to miss out on seeing them, especially when they are young and change so fast.
  3. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    There are no formal conditions. I signed an agreement with Children's Services that I would not have unsupervised access. This basically means that there needs to be an adult present who is aware of the situation. Reality this means one of my wife, Mum, Dad, Sister, Sister's husband. But because the children are with my wife, she has to really be the one to allow me to see them. She is so angry at the moment, worried that there might be STIs and considers my actions an abuse of her and them. She isn't letting me near them right now. I have to be patient, even though I am dying to hug and kiss them all.
  4. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    Oh my goodness I felt depressed when I woke up today. When there is something really terrible going on in your life, how is it that your body and mind work you feeling so deeply terrible the moment you wake up? As usual, I woke with an absolute start. Only 6.5 hours sleep despite being so exhausted last night that I basically collapsed into bed.
    I have been at my parent's house for Sunday and Monday. I was going to go earlier in the weekend, but was waiting around hoping that my wife would let me see my Son before he went on a school trip, and my girls of course. She didn't respond; she hasn't responded to me since I answered her questions. It was so hard doing that, but I poked the addiction in the eye by being truthful and honest. It is the first time I have really been able to be truthful without worrying that I will let slip some little guilty lie. From that perspective, I win! You hear that, addiction? I won that round.
    At Christmas, I bought my niece a little unicorn mug. I knew she would like. Turns out she loves it, absolutely adores it. She kept showing it to her Nan (my mum) today, and Mum relayed this to me. How is it possible for me to act so normally and thoughtfully on one hand, yet on the other hand have this face that is completely preoccupied with sex and porn?!
    One really good way to beat this addiction is to give some service. Anything works. I cleaned Mum and Dad's windows today. Really basic thing to do, but it meant Dad didn't have to over-exert himself and Mum didn't have to worry about him. I've told them to leave windows to me from now on, and to create a list of jobs for me to do when I go visit them every three or four weeks.
    As I write, my wife has text me. It is not nice reading, she is rightly so angry with me. The current concern is that she and the babies may have STIs. I suppose they will have to be checked out. Babies being tested for STIs - what the f**k was I thinking. This consequence has my feeling so sick, so distressed. Why the f**k did my brain not let me consider these consequences of my behaviour? Why did I never think of the consequences of my behaviour? How does your brain let that happen?!! I am praying that there are no infections. I have been racking my brain, but I am certain that I wore a condom any time I hooked up with anyone. How the hell did I get here?
    I spoke to a SAA fellow earlier today. It was a good chat and out of it I started working on creating my inner circle. In it I have hand written a number of behaviours that reflect my alcohol or drug (in AA or DAA terms) and which I intend never to do again. They are all actions or activities. I did that on purpose so that my brain can't trick me, it can't throw an image into my mind which would immediately mean I relapse, it can try that, but to relapse I would have to consciously DO something with the thought. So, I can now get to the end of a day and ask myself "Am I still sober?". I can 100% say yes or no to each of the items in my inner circle. I'm feeling very ready to deal with this.
    At the moment I have to park my wife's anger. I cannot do anything about that. I will continue to tell her I love her, I love my Son, I love my girls, that I am and will forever be sorry. But that is all I can do.
    At the moment I have to park my offence. I did what I did and there will be consequences for me to face. I am not offending, I have not offended again since Day Zero. I can't do anything about all that at the moment, so I have to park it.
    I left my little green SAA pocket book with Mum and Dad to look at. The first chapter, 'Our Addiction' just completely resonates.
    I have finished some homework from my therapist. She wanted me to create a small timeline of important events in my life, such as moving house, starting college, grandparents death, losing virginity etc. Started small but my head kept throwing memories at me, some which I was astounded were still in there. So, the 'small' list was 101 items short!! :)
    Thank you all for letting me ramble on. It helps, and I hope there might be some readers who take something from it all.
  5. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    A reasonably quick one; had a session with my therapist today. Got through SO much stuff when she asked how I was and how my week had been. It's no wonder I have been so exhausted. She said that everything in my head - it sounds tiring.
    She picked up on the fact that I had not masturbated at all since my day zero, and that in all honesty that doesn't sound very healthy.
    Almost every orgasm I have had over the last umpteen years has been based on an 'acting out' behaviour; something that is in my newly created inner circle of things I want never to do again. I said how I was worried that by masturbating I could easily end up doing the inner circle things again. She suggested to differentiate between masturbating and using porn. That masturbating is fine, and probably healthy, but to try without porn and even without thinking of pornography that I have watched.
    Instead, to imagine my wife, or a woman (or man) of my imagination and instead fantasise and imagine using my other senses - the smell of the person, the feeling of the person, the touch, the taste and the sound of them talking to me or calling my name. And, importantly, to only do this if I was motivated to just enjoy the action and not be reacting to a trigger.
    As she spoke about this, I felt really calm and relaxed, and the thought of doing this because I wanted simply to do it felt very gentle and loving. So different from the reaction of compulsively masturbating as a response to feeling lonely, angry, bored or stressed.
    I will keep a small notepad with me and record when I feel this triggers. I will record those and NOT act on them, but I will be gentle to myself and consider healthy action.
    Interested to hear other's thoughts on this. I am not abstaining completely from orgasms and I don't plan on ever being celibate, but therapist's suggestion feel okay.
    Thanks for letting me ramble.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Your therapist, on this score, is nuts! I've been at this for 2 years and fapping leads back to the land of PMO. If you think that you can do it in a loving, gentle, way, you are deluding yourself. Many, many, men here have gone for months and years without MO'ing and they have not exploded, nor made themselves unhealthy. Rather, they have become healthier and gained much needed mental clarity. An epic tragedy unfolded in your life and your new religion must be abstaining from all previous behaviors. Until you retrain your brain, everything you think is out there is fool's gold. Your last post is you wobbling and seeking rationalization in order to pleasure yourself.
    A New Man, dig deep and Pete McVries like this.
  7. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I can second Saville. When I started this journey, I went to an urologist to check if there was something wrong with me physically (I have PIED). There was nothing wrong and then I told him about nofap (I was around 80+ days clean when I paid him a visit). I told him, that I totally abstain from PMO and that I think that my ED stems from jerking it to P too much. Surprisingly, he knew about Nofap and he told that there is nothing wrong or harmful in abstaining from PMO or masturbation at all. Do yourself a favor and continue abstaining from it.
    A New Man and dig deep like this.
  8. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    MO is a slippery slope to PMO. Happens every fucking time to me.
  9. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    I hate that my sex and porn addiction was a comfort blanket that was my way to deal with anger, grief, resentment, loneliness, boredom, stress etc etc. Keeping the compulsive behaviours away means that my brain is bombarding me with all those emotions.

    Dealing with the biggest one is like it is happening all over again. I am trying to look at it with the perspective that there is this 'higher power' and that by hitting absolute rock bottom means I will be able to deal with the issue properly.

    I saw the power of SAA yesterday. I was able to call someone who understands this disease and what it does to you. He had barely answered the phone before I was blubbing, but he understood and that strength gives me strength. One day I will give that strength to others.

    I got my first SAA chip. I have created my 'inner circle' behaviours and got a sponsor; I am starting this journey. My inner circle is a list of all my 'bat-shit crazy' behaviours that I commit never to do again. For me, these behaviours go far beyond PMO. These are things to which I lost my morals, my money, my dignity, my time. All of these things I could have used for happiness with my family but instead I was compelled to lose them by acting out.

    I'm thankful for others' input in response to what my therapist said about complete celibate style abstinence. My goals are not simply PMO, there is more to it. Abstaining PMO was right in the immediate aftermath, but for me things have now developed a bit. My reboot and nofap is to do with my inner circle and my goal is not to relapse and act them out again. As long as I am honest with my sponsor and myself about whether or not I relapse and act out any of those behaviours; that will be pure abstinence. Of course there has been my brain saying 'thats not really that bad, dont put that in the circle', but I am being focussed on what should and should not be in there and my brain can bog off.

    The other evening and yesterday morning my wife sent a couple of emails. She was so horrified for the first days and weeks about my illegal actions that she did not take on board the back catalogue of compulsive behaviours that took me across the line. She is now taking those on and is bitterly pained. Like a hurt animal she is kicking out and she knows me, she know the things to say that are painful to read and really get inside me. I drafted about 5 or 6 replies before calming down. Replying when upset or angry is not good. I told her I love her and that things are my fault, but that I am really and honestly making steps to recover and rebuild, and that I hope she will be some part of my life in the future to see me be a better person.

    This afternoon I am going back to the house when she is out. She knows this. She has asked me to collect the dog, who will be going to stay with my parents for a short while. I've only returned indoors once since the immediate aftermath of hitting rock bottom and I cried a lot. Perhaps I will this time too, but we will see.

    Thank you for letting me ramble.
  10. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    Bit of a mundane journal for today, I'm afraid. Now that I have a sponsor for SAA, I think logging a run-of-the-mill is going to become normal. I'm sure it will get supplemented by some other moments of high, low and in between.

    Woke with a start with Lily (the Cocker Spaniel) barking like a loon. I'm at my parents this weekend and have brought Lily over. My wife isn't coping too well with everything as I'm out of the house and so my parents are having Lily for a while.

    Took her out for a long walk. Really missed doing this, it is great to get some air in my lungs and just walk with her. Also took my camera (just a little compact today) and took some nice pics to much about with later.

    Before I went out, Mum said "Don't talk to any strange men". She has said this jokingly all my life. She then went "oh, sorry I didn't mean anything" and was rather embarrassed. Made me properly LOL though as she realised the different significance such a comment might now play. I'm sure comments like that won't play any part in recovery or lack thereof.

    Took the opportunity to call some SAA fellows towards the end of the walk, but all voicemails. Clearly Saturday morning is not the best tie to be making calls. I'll have to increase my list of numbers.

    Mum and Dad are season ticket holders at local football team (soccer, for any US readers :) I went with them today and oh my gosh what a dull game it was. So much so that I fell asleep as soon as we got back to their house. Annoying as it meant I missed a humdinger of a game on the TV.

    Was pleased to get a text from my Sister asking me for a drink. Met up with her and had a good chat about things going on - both with her as well as me. She said I seemed to be in a nice place (mentally) at the moment which feels about right. Apart from the depressive feeling I get first thing in the morning and when waves of emotions come over me, generally she is right. I've not felt like I've scowled in ages.

    As I said, mundane journal entry today. Thank you for letting me ramble.



    GRATITUDE LIST Sat 7/4/18

    Waking up

    Lily the dog

    Mum's amusing climb down after comment

    The woods near Mum & Dad

    The woodpecker

    Dogs running and playing together

    Pork pie

    Dad driving to football

    Michelle asking me for drink

    Attractive bar maid and no obsessing

    Listening ears of parents

    Read a little bit of SAA's 'Tools of Recovery' and 'The Porn Trap'

    Called Ross, Simon (not M), Nick H, Jamie B, Alan, Julian, Steve B - all voicemails

    Took call from Simon M

    Missed calls from Ross, Simon (not M), Steve B


  11. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    Ok, it’s started, I’ve properly started with my 12 step SAA programme.

    Might be coincidence, but today has probably been my calmest day since hitting rock bottom 6 weeks and 6 days ago.

    One thing that I am starting to get an understanding of, is that I really don’t have any control or influence over the choices that my wife makes. I know that everything here is my fault, that I have caused it, but I don’t have any power over whether she lets me see the children, whether she lets me do some jobs at home such as mowing the grass, whether she gets support from anyone, whether she sorts her access to our joint bank account… nothing is what I have influence over.

    What I can do is sort my nonsense out. I can take steps to come to terms with my offence, I can take steps with SAA to recover from my selfish behaviours and commit to not doing them again, I can stay with therapy to find deep root causes and to manage some of the obsessions in my head.

    It’s a really cr@ppy way for it to happen, but if I really an work through this then I can be a better person, which should make me a better father, son, brother and (possibly) husband… which will hopefully translate on to all the people that my behaviour has affected.

    I suppose the only down side with feeling a bit buoyant is that I am bound to have a rubbish day at some point, but I hope I can ride it.

    I made calls to SAA fellows and took calls from SAA fellows today and it all really helps. Spoke to my new sponsor too – Steve. I think he will work me hard, but it really is all down to me.

    Had a lovely walk with Lily the dog this morning. Out for well over an hour and a half walking across park, fields, bridleway and footpath. She got muddy, wet and rolled in horse poop and needed one hell of a bath afterwards. But I loved it all!


    Read SAA blue card, SAA ‘Just for Today’, some pages from ‘Tools for Recovery’ booklet, some pages from ‘The Porn Trap’; Reviewed yesterday’s gratitude list.

    Rang fellows: Wayne (voicemail), Kevin, Ross (vmail). Took fellow’s calls: Alan, Simon.

    Took some time out whilst Dad played some tennis.

    Read some pages from SAA green book.


    Cup of tea in bed from Dad (ha ha – you can tell I’m English)

    Walking Lily the dog

    Still, clear, wonderful fresh air

    Bathing Lily the dog

    Talking through the first activities of my programme with my sponsor

    Fresh cooked brunch

    Speaking with Kevin

    Taking calls from Alan and Simon

    Making a mini plan to help Simon


    Mum and Dad’s love

    Staying sober for today
    Lowdo and A New Man like this.
  12. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    Was a reasonable day but got back to my digs to find a tort letter from landlady saying she was giving me notice to move out because I was a couple of days late giving the rent. No reference to fact that first day of month was Easter weekend and I was away, nor the fact that she hadn't even seen me. Had she not insisted on cash I could have had a bank transfer already set up.
    Still, the house is not as clean as I first thought so I'm not worrying too much. I should find something okay, just could do without the faff.
    I suppose this stress and annoyance could be a trigger, but I've not acted out so that's one thing.
    Read SAA blue card, SAA ‘Just for Today’, some pages from ‘Tools for Recovery’ booklet, some pages from ‘The Porn Trap’; Reviewed yesterday’s gratitude list.
    Rang fellows: Jamie B (voicemail), Nick H (vmail), Richard. Took fellow’s calls: Ross.
    Read some pages from SAA green book.
    Funny audiobook
    Speaking with SAA fellows
    Jammie dodgers
    Email from Josh
    New SAA group
    Nice cup of tea
    New fellows phone numbers
    Visiting a new town
    Staying sober
    Thanks you for letting me ramble
  13. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    Had a really big wobble today. The fact my landlady had asked me to leave felt unproportionally bad, especially when I take into account that there are a few things I don't really like about the house where I rent a room.

    I did what I could to get better. I looked for another room, I contacted advertisers of rooms, I went to look at a room. I also said to landlady I prefer to leave as early as possible. I don't want to be somewhere where I am not welcome. She was not happy, but I cannot influence that.

    Thankful for speaking with Dave today; I am so grateful for having numbers of SAA fellows.

    Saw my therapist. We ended up talking about a whole load of stuff that wasn't really on her 'to talk about' list. Spoke more about how me and my wife have never really spoken about really important things and how I feel that she (my wife) focuses on negative aspects which causes me to avoid talking. I was asked "why did you marry your wife?". It should be a really easy answer, but I stopped, I had nothing. Right now I know I love her, but why did I marry her in the first place? Expectations perhaps, someone had made themselves available to me?

    Also spoke about my bisexuality; about how I have no desire to emotionally attach with men and that my interests were basically like a porn hunt, desire to find someone to talk about fantasies with and that I treated men like female sex workers - no interest in anything emotional, just wanted to have sex and basically didn't care which gender. Therapist suggested that she thinks I am heterosexual because a bisexual person has loving and emotional connections with either gender.

    Now sat in a hotel a couple of hours away from home/lodging as there is a last minute early morning workshop to attend. Busy busy busy.

    Thank you for letting me ramble.

    p.s. Forgot to say, my therapist asked directly whether I had offended since day zero. I said that I had not and that more than that I have not looked at any pornography at all. She smiled and said "Well done, you should pat yourself on the back, that is a big thing".

    I smiled like a little school boy getting praised by the teacher :)


    Read the blue card, read Just for Today, read Tools for Recovery, read 12 steps and 12 traditions

    Spoke to Dave and James


    The blue card


    Dave from SAA

    My sponsor


    Looking for a new lodging - something I can influence

    Work colleagues

    Getting a hotel

  14. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    So so tired. I think I need to take stock of things, busy is good, but not to the neglect of looking after myself.

    Felt low at the content of some of my wife’s email but so glad she is still communicating.

    I need to take stock of the concept that my sexual addiction and behaviours amount to abuse of her and my children. As usual my head is saying ‘no, no, no’. But if she feels abused, then it is abuse.

    Landlady already in bed by time I got back. She has taken down all the pictures in the lounge and removed glassware from the kitchen before she goes on holiday tomorrow. I will not see her again because I will have moved out when she returns; I will only see her to collect the deposit and overpaid rent. I have lined up to look at some new rooms to lodge at.

    I saw a mortgage adviser today to talk about possibility of getting a place for myself. It’s not impossible but will require either a big input from parents (not a conversation I look forward to) or taking equity from our own home (also not a conversation I relish with wife)

    That will have to do. Good night.

    Thank you for letting me ramble.



    Asked for a sober day, reviewed gratitude list, read 12 steps and 12 traditions

    Made call to Wayne; voicemail left with Sponsor Steve; took call from Julian

    Completed first draft of all 3 circles to discuss with Sponsor Steve tomorrow.

    Thanked for a sober day and read 2 pages of green book.


    A decent sleep

    An email from my wife

    A good workshop

    Scampi for lunch

    Wayne from SAA

    Giving some information that might help someone on support forum

    Jon the mortgage adviser

    Mystery shopping

    SAA meeting

    Crabbies Ginger IPA
  15. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member


    Read blue card. Read Just for Today. Read text from Tools for Recovery

    Called and spoke with Brendan and Lloyd

    Attended SAA Swindon. Walked through first draft of my circles with Sponsor Steve.


    A reasonable sleep

    A good shower

    My wife still communicating with me

    Stimulating bit of work

    Fresh air

    Pleasant lunch

    Speaking with Brendan

    Speaking with Lloyd

    Good SAA meeting

    Nice hotel
  16. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member


    I will be stopping posting here for a while.

    It has been really useful to post my thoughts and ideas and to get cmometns and messages back from people, but I am really getting in to my SAA programme and my sponsor has suggested focussing just on that for the time being.

    What with seeing my therapist, attending 3 SAA meetings a week and working the SAA programme, it is all a bit too much.

    I'll be recording my journal still, but privately in a notebook (doing it as the day goes along).

    Perhaps I will return here.

    Thank you for reading, I hope you benefitted from it as much as I have. And thank you especially to those that were compelled to reach out to me and comment or mail.

  17. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    A p.s. to my 'bye for now' posting.

    Anyone who stumbles across my ramblings and feel they need help with their own sex/porn addiction - well done for thinknig that. It is the first and most important step to think you might need some help.

    Over the eight weeks since I hit absolute bottom, I have started a spiritual journey. I have, with a heck of a traumatic shock to me and my nearest and dearest, come to stark realisation that I have a problem. I want to get better. I have a few things that have been good for me and I'd like to share them. These may or may not work for you but they worked for me.

    • Move your PC to a shared part of the house e.g. only use it in the kitchen, somewhere where you wouldn't look at porn.
    • Delete your porn, your accounts (to sites, to secret email accounts etc) and your browser histories - all of it. Use Ccleaner to permanently get rid of all that; that way you won't be tempted to look at things and you are less likely to try and get it all back.
    • If you're technically minded, set your internet router to block adult sites or block internet altogether after e.g. 9 pm. If you're not too sure about that try some software like netnanny.
    • Get to Sex Addicts Anonymous. I have done and it is the best decision I could have made; there are people who care and understand. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! or Please please try this; even if you don't talk for your first few meetings please reach out.
    • If you can afford it, get a therapist and BE 100% HONEST WITH THEM. If you can't afford it, contact some anyway and say about your finances, they might be able to offer something anyway.
    • Have a look here - This guy contacted me via a UK based forum but he is in the US, he is lovely and is good to talk to for someone who has been to rock bottom and climbed out the other side a better person.

    Take care all of you.

    Lowdo and Libertad like this.
  18. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    Hey P....

    Thanks for the shout out for my website at the end of your post. I appreciate it, but I also appreciate you sharing so much with me in our private emails. Your life is going to sort itself out and while it will never be the same moving forward, it will be probably be better. You're doing all the right things and I'm proud of you.

  19. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Good luck with everything stay clean and things will work out for the best one way or another,but do pop back from time to time for a quick update.
  20. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing your story. I know it is hugely painful. I hope you feel loved and supported here on the site. Any one of us could be in the same position you're in now, no one can judge you. Stories like this can help us all think about the ultimate consequences of what we're doing and not follow that road out to its conclusion. I wish you well--a complete recovery, redemption, restoration of all that you've lost and more. May the end be better than the beginning for you and your family.

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