Ok. A slightly calmer day. Good Friday bank holiday so I was able to turn the alarm off last night and have a lay in. The same and usual morning 'heavy feeling', which I suppose I will have to get used to while all this is so raw. Did a bit of tidying up and vacuuming which kept me busy. A bit of shopping, got my Son a punch bag so he can hit and kick out his low feelings. I hate I let him down so much but I am determined to show him that it is important to take responsibility for stupid decisions. Bless the culture of free-refills. Went to a Wetherspoons (bleurgh) and Ikea to while away a few hours for the price of a cuppa. Free wifi and free refills. I suppose they didn't really cater for me No response from my wife today having sent her answers to her questions yesterday. I'm going to try not to read anything into that either way. My brain is still trying to get me to relapse. It's tried a load of visions and a load of memories. Pleased with my reaction to seeing several attractive people when I was out today. Only 6 weeks ago I would have been turning round, checking them out, leching, fantasising, taking photos on my phone. It's all will power on the wave of shock and trauma, but I'm managing it. I think that if I can last until I start getting tools and techniques from my therapist and through the 12 steps of SAA I might just do it. I've bought my Son the punch bag as an Easter gift and the girls an easter cuddly toy each. I've asked my wife if I can come and give them personally rather than just leave them at the house when they are out. As I said, nothing yet though. Did my first phone call to a SAA fellow today. I've taken some calls before but never made one. Thank you Paul, it helped. My Sister has been asking more specific questions about the things I was arrested for. I know she needs to ask for her, but it actually helps focus my mind too. I think I need to make sure I don't just try and pretend it never happened. I have talked all through it with my therapist; she is great. It's tempting to just tell every bit of everything to everyone, but that's just too much. People don't need to know what's in my head - just me and my therapist. I told my solicitor what I have done; what I can remember doing. Best I will get is a suspended sentence. My head is already trying to think of what I say to my Son, how I can prepare him for the worst. I'm amazed and happy at how much I have thought of him and how much I love him. I hope I get to see him soon and hug him. Made it through another day and off to bed shortly. Thank you all for letting me yak, it helps.