My journal. I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by pdw123, Mar 3, 2018.

  1. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member


    I'm P. I am 42 years old and married with 3 beautiful children.

    It is Saturday the 3rd March and I am sat at my parent’s house.

    On Monday 19th February my world collapsed when I was on my way home from work and I had a call from my wife. “The police are here. I’m scared. What’s going on?”

    I knew what was going on. My sex and porn addiction had gone too far and now the real world was going to find out about it.

    My computers, hard drive, usb drives and mobile phone were seized. I was arrested for possessing illegal pornography, cautioned and interviewed at the police station. I spent time in a police cell, trying to avoid descending into a panic attack.

    The duty solicitor arrived and explained the situation to me. On his advice I answered “No comment” to all of the questions asked. I was released under investigation and went home. That was the last time I was home, other than for an hour during the day a couple of days later to collect some things. My wife was devastated and appalled at what I had done and told me to leave.

    Night #1 was too late to get a hotel and I slept in the car near my place of work. That Tuesday was a blur, but I managed to book a hotel for the following 3 nights so I had somewhere to stay. I had an email from my Sister late that night. My wife had called her to say what had happened; she felt she had no one else to turn to. She didn’t – and still hasn’t – told anyone from her family or friends. My Sister said that I am her brother and that she loves me and would not abandon me.

    Last Saturday I travelled to my parent’s town. My Sister helped me go to them, tell them what I had done. I could not look at anyone at all. I was so ashamed; I begged them no to abandon my wife and children and to help them all they could.

    I have spoken to a charity dedicated to stopping the illegality I committed. They have started me on a journey at really looking at myself; understanding the influences that caused me to do what I did. Since speaking to them for a 2nd time I have started to think about the addictions and behaviours that I have had, probably since I was about 13 or 14 years old.

    It is all compulsive; page 3 cut-outs, then soft magazines, harder magazines, vhs videos, taking photos of myself, looking at males as well as females, starting to cross dress, personal sex advert magazines. The beginning of the internet didn’t help as I suddenly had access to more material than I ever could imagine from magazines. Always seeking new sites, ways to bulk download, ways to start talking with other people, seeking the interaction through meeting other guys for sex, buying used underwear, buying bespoke porn pics and videos from those willing to do them, cross dressing, buying sex toys for masturbation, on to using escorts and finally, shamefully, crossing a line and looking at illegal things.

    I am now not at the family home. I am staying with parents and lodging at B&Bs. I have crushed my wife, she hates me for what I have done. She is now struggling with our 15 year old son and 14 month old twin girls. She goes to work early and it was my job to look after them until school & nursery. There is no one to help at the moment.

    I feel sick. Last week I seriously considered suicide. It was horrible. My brain would not stop. I was thinking exactly how I would do it, how I would get financial affairs in order first, where I would do it, the letters I would write to my beautiful wife and children and what photographs of them I would surround myself with.

    This low is horrible. I am lucky; my Sister and parents have not abandoned me and my wife is still responding to emails and texts, even though they tell me of how she hates me, is betrayed, cannot cope and is terrified that Children’s Services will take away the children.

    All of this has come about because I have never been able to say that I am addicted to porn and sex. At the moment I have gone 12 days without looking at pornography. I have contacted Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous and Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous; they have all invited me to meetings which I will go to. I want to get rid of this evil shroud that coated me. I want to see my children and to rebuild trust from my wife, parents and Sister.

    I am ashamed, unhappy and scared. I hope there is a future where I am able to deal with my addictions, help others before it is too late for them and one day, look my wife in the eyes again. I love her so much.
  2. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    Friend and brother, I am so sorry that you find yourself in this nightmare, but grateful you are willing to share your story here to help others and to find some encouragement.

    I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I know that God loves you no matter what you have done, that he weeps with you over the destruction of your life and your suffering and the suffering of your family. And I believe he has a plan for you and can bring good even out of this terrible situation.

    Do not think any more about committing suicide. If you do that, you will never know the end of the story. Imagine you are reading a book, and a terrible crisis happens that ruins the life of the main character. Often, those stories turn around. Read a little further. See what happens next to the character. How does he take control of the situation, rise above it, learn from it, and make something beautiful out of it?

    I encourage you to be the hero of your story. To take the ruins of your life and do something amazing with it. Do what you can to recover, to help others recover, to rebuild broken relationships if possible, and if not, to move on without bitterness. So many millions of people suffer with the same types of problems and feel no hope. Your life can be a story that gives us all hope. You can turn this around. Don't lose the precious opportunity you have to get help and build a new life.

    God bless and keep you, make his face shine upon you, and give you peace.
    Libertad likes this.
  3. JustOneDayAtATime

    JustOneDayAtATime New Member

    It's very sad, pdw123. I was thinking about others in situations like the one you've described and it was useful to think that no-one is as bad as their worst day, and for that matter, no-one is as good as their best day. So even if you've done wrong things, what you've done and who you were on that day, doesn't have to continue to define who you are on all those other days.

    The past few weeks will probably be close to your worst days. Hell, it would be hard to imagine anything much worse. I think it's good to realise, even an experience like this hasn't overwhelmed and ruined you. So you're strong and undefeated. Well done. From this point on, things are going to get better. They might be a little better, or a whole lot better. You just can't tell.

    Life really isn't something that operates in a fair and equitable manner. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Bad things happen to bad people too. And they happen to people who are a mix of good and bad, like you and me, and like most people. It's hard to sense any rhyme or reason to what happens. Still, we try to live well.

    From what you've written, it sounds like you're doing the right thing. You're listening to your lawyer - that's a good thing. You're seeking advice from people who can help you. That's pretty much all you can do. Just let things unfold the way they're going to.

    Some situations you can't change and others you can. If you can't change what's going to happen, there's no point in worrying about it. If you can change what's going to happen, then just go ahead and do what needs to be done. Worrying won't help that either.

    It's good to remember whatever happens, and however you feel, it all passes. Try to imagine the happiest day of your life, or your greatest accomplishment, maybe the birth of your children. I bet that day, you thought you'd be happy for ever after. But that great feeling passes. And one day, maybe the baby cries all night and you argued with your wife. Well that great joy, that's all gone, at least for that moment in time. Similarly, this feeling of humiliation and misery. That too will pass. You get out of bed each day, and try to do better than you did before. This awful feeling, will, day after day, improve little by little.

    Good luck. I'm not religious, but you are in my thoughts.
    Squire and Libertad like this.
  4. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    That was a magnificent post. I agree with everything you said, but especially love this quote: "no-one is as bad as their worst day, and for that matter, no-one is as good as their best day."

    I hope our buddy @pdw123 finds it as inspiring and helpful as I do, and as I'm sure many others who read this do.
  5. @pdw123. I sat up one night in 2016 as the consequences of my addictions had caught up with me and I thought I had no where to go. I'd been discovered years before and only kind of licked the problem. I had not managed the underlying issues. In one quick crash the consequences hit me professionally, financially, legally and romantically. My son had a friend over that night and I was in a fog. I didn't act because of him. I've failed in many ways but I've been a good dad and I wasn't going to stop that. I caught myself and pulled out of the descent. Today things aren't perfect but they are better. The details in between don't matter. It has been hard work and there is more to do. But I am heading in the direction I choose in a very healthy state.

    My worst didn't negate my best. I clung to the things I did well even as I was shamed from the things that I kept coming back to. Yes, indeed finish your story! Find those great things about you that are authentically you and realize that the swamp that is the porn and the sex addiction does not negate those good things. I imagine those good things start, like mine did, with the fact that you are a loving Dad.

    Prayers are with you!

    Libertad likes this.
  6. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    @pdw123 I have been thinking about you all weekend. Especially feeling glad you have a sister and parents who love you unconditionally and have given you a safe place to land.

    Your story inspired me to start texting my sister yesterday. And by the end of the day I decided to share with her for the first time my struggles with homosexuality. It turned out great. She was really supportive, and I feel better knowing there is someone in my family back home who understands what I've been going through, the double life I've been living.

    Thank you again for sharing your story. It is already making a difference. Please keep posting and let us know how things develop. We are here for you no matter what.
    Libertad likes this.
  7. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    Today is 14 days since I hit very bottom. My brain decided to reward me by trying to throw fantasy images and scenarios at me. It really shocked me; I was on a work telephone call, no triggers, nothing sexual happened, no attractive people had walked past, it just happened. I was very shocked by this. Having read some of the things e.g. on I was able to recognise that it wanted a dopamine hit but I refused to let the images into my thoughts. I am happy about it but realise that this is going to be a very difficult and long road.
    Children's services have also contacted me today and I am due to meet them tomorrow. I hope it goes well. I picked up a book ordered online - "The Porn Trap". I'm only a couple of pages into it but the talk of 'shame', 'secrecy' and 'isolation' all ring true.
    My wife has not told our son about everything. All he knows is that Dad's computers were hacked and I'm helping the police. Has anyone any experience of telling older children about what's really happening? My son is 15 and a half.
  8. I have confessed to my sons. I first told my oldest who was 18 at the time. I did not tell him everything but I didn't hide anything from him. He knows that I had personal issues I tried to run from and that running included self medication that included porn. For awhile he took on the role of my accountability partner but not because I asked him. He felt a responsibility to protect me.

    My situation was very different. I was in a long, excruciating separation that we knew would lead to divorce but was a scorched earth thing on my ex's part. I told him preemptively because I wanted to control the message. Both their mom and I were in bad spots. They were team Dad when I told my oldest and then when I told them all soon after (I have 3 boys). They were very forgiving.

    My 18 year old understood fully and responded maturely. My youngest who was 13 at the time didn't really understand. My middle son who was 16 and the closest in age to your son just kind of shrugged it off.

    I've since talked with them all about the dangers of them looking at porn.

    In the end they are guys and I think they get the temptation and at some level get that it can get out of hand. I've not experienced a loss of affection or trust from any of them for telling.

    But I stress I did not tell all. I looked at porn, some of it vile. I connected with and in some cases met with women from Craigslist. I was not a good husband. I confessed to "porn" but not details and I confessed to not being the husband I should have been. But they do not know details. I decided that wasn't helpful.

    Also .... it is coming back to me as I type .... I worked through with a counselor how I would tell them ... I didn't just dive in.

    Hope this helps. Feel free to ask questions.

    Think of the porn flashes as it running out of your brain .... I still get them but they come less and less.

    Good luck with CS tomorrow.

    Libertad likes this.
  9. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    My wife knows about my issues but not my children. So I can't tell you from personal experience how to tell them. However, I would suggest to think first and foremost about what is in your children's best interest. Conversations with them are not about unburdening yourself or healing yourself. It's about keeping your bond strong with them and helping them continue to feel safe, stable, and loved.

    In addition to reaffirming your love for them, I think it would be helpful to stress it is not their fault, they didn't cause it or contribute to it and could not have done anything to prevent or help it. Make sure they don't put any of that responsibility on themselves. Also, I'd suggest no matter what your feelings are toward your wife, not to put it on her either. She may in the future be their primary caregiver. You want to make sure to support her and not poison their relationship with her. That will just make a bad situation for them even worse in their home. So with your kids just take the full responsibility on yourself and if they're going to be upset, let them be upset with you, not themselves, each other, or their mother. I would also suggest you need to impress on them that this is not genetic, and they don't have to be afraid this will inevitably happen to them. They have a free will and can choose their behavior. So tell them that you want to help them learn from your example what not to do, so they don't ever have to worry about this. But also that you have a lot of good things in your life and you still have positive things you want to teach them for many years to come as well.

    We have a tendency in this addiction to think a lot about ourselves and how we feel. So you have known for many years you have this problem and it is not new and shocking to you. But to them, it is the first they are hearing of it and it will be confusing and raise a lot of questions. This isn't something you have one conversation about and then it's over. They might seem ok after the first conversation. They may be embarrassed and not want to talk about it. You should try to create an open door that they can feel safe to talk to you anytime they want, but if they don't bring it up, after a while you need to revisit it again in the future with them and see how they are processing it.

    I hope this helps. Sharing with your kids might be one of the hardest things you have to do. But think about how your sister and parents accepted you. Think about how total strangers here on this site are thinking of you, praying for you, taking time to encourage you. The evidence shows that what you have done does not make people stop caring about you. And I believe the same will be true of your children. This thing will not cause them to stop loving you, even if it might take some time to process it.

    Hang in there man. Just one step at a time. Just do the next thing. Then the next thing. Then the next thing. Time will pass. You will heal. You can get through this. Be at peace today, like in the eye of a storm. This will all pass.
    Libertad likes this.
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hang in there pdw123. God works in surprising, amazing, and unsettling ways. Although not the opportunity you asked for, this is a great time to begin to do some important healing your life. At the core of this (and any addiction) is guilt, shame, and fear, and the addict in us will cross every line imaginable in order to get the dopamine fix that anesthetizes these core feelings. Be good to yourself, be gentle on yourself, be patient with yourself, and stay the course. You are not alone. Thanks for posting!
    Squire likes this.
  11. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    Day 16. My first visit to SAA. I think it is true that as soon as you can talk about this addiction, it loses it's grip. That's not to say I will ever be cured; I will have to talk about it for a long long time, but every time you break through the silence, the shame, the isolation, you kill a little tiny bit the addiction's hold.
    Truthfully, as others spoke, I wavered between hope, to terror and back again. I have my motivation for getting through all of this, but I hope that motivation will remain a shining beacon for me to aim to.
    I am missing my wife and children so much. I am in a rented spare room. All I have of them are a few photos I was able to pick up when I collected some clothes a couple of weeks ago.
    Children's Services want to see that we have talked to Sam and given an age appropriate explanation. I emailed a draft letter for him to my wife but she doesn't appear willing to let him know what is going on.
    This is a long long road I have started, and the start of it sucks.
  12. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    So far, pretty much the easiest thing has been to avoid porn, to avoid arousal. I can honestly say that I have only been aroused once in the last 23 days and that was when I was asleep and woke up in that state; so it was pretty much out of my control.

    Tonight was my second SAA meeting. I spoke up in the 'General Share' part of the meeting. Today has been a bad day, but it really does lift the depression a little to hear others speak.

    I saw a therapist for the first time on Monday and she touched on some of the big things in my life that might have been factors and reasons for what my sex and porn addiction was eating on - what I was trying to cope with. And today it filled me with anger and grief. In SAA people talked about Step 3 - turning one's will to 'God' or a higher power as we understand it. At the moment I cannot consider that because whatever that higher power is chose to take our daughter from us just before she was born.

    I also passed on to my wife, sister and parents the questions that my solicitor has written down for me to consider, which will help draft my statement. Some of the questions are pretty horrible to think about and my wife is so bitterly angry and upset with me.

    I hate that my brain took me to depths that I don't consider to be okay. I hate that I am sat on a single bed in a rented room, away from my wife and family. I know this is all very self pitying, but maybe writing it down will help get rid of the power of that pity.

    Is there a difference between being (a) a good and decent person who has a dark shroud that sometimes envelopes them and (b) an evil monster who holds up a mask of a good person? I think there is. I am clinging to hope that there is. I am sure I am (a), but what if I am (b) and I do not know it? I am good and I am starting a journey to rid myslef of the shroud. I am not evil trying to rid myself of the good mask. My wife thinks I am (b) at the moment.

    My brain took my anger this afternoon and thought 'f**k it, f**k them, f**k everyone else, look at some porn, go pay a sex worker'. It was low. It was tempting. I've not felt that tempted in 23 days. I fought against it. I thought of my motivation - my wife, my son, my twin girls, my little girl's memory. That motivation is all I have at the moment. I have nothing except my love for them and I am going to sodding well beat this because I want to look at them again one day as a clean person.

    What a rant. Probably rather unstructured but I feel a bit better. Thank you for reading and [virtually] listening to me. It helps to share.
    Squire likes this.
  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    A beautiful rant!

    You likely have many more. Get it out. Get it all out. The more we bottle up the more susceptible we are to giving in to this curse.

    Are you evil? I don't know you well. But I don't think so. Evil would embrace the bad, feel no remorse, feel no guilt, no shame. I'm Christian and I believe we are all fallen, all sinners. I imagine someone can delve into the difference between the fallen good sinner and the evil bad sinner .. but to me setting aside my faith that all can be forgiven by God's grace is your acceptance or non acceptance of the bad. I don't sense you embracing it, justifying it ..

    Have you done bad things? Certainly? Evil things? Not for me to judge. But regardless you today are not doing evil. Today you are good. Tomorrow you plan on being good. Be good. And keep doing good day after day after day .... you'll overpower the bad sooner than you think.

    So yes fuck it, fuck porn, fuck the bad! Keep working on being good!

    Squire likes this.
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    And ... good for you for being pissed off and angry.

    Anger is fuel. Determination, I had a therapist tell me once, is commitment fueled by anger. Don't let the anger burn you up. Let if fuel your work.

    Squire likes this.
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks for putting your thoughts and feelings out there, pdw123. Going through this process is like receiving an emotional, intellectual, and spiritual enema. The enema is powerful and leaves us feeling powerless. In the end, the only thing left is the good, and yet our brains have a very difficult time understanding exactly what that is. That's why letting go is so integral in this process. Rants are great for that...

    Keep up the excellent work:)
    Squire likes this.
  16. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    My brain is really getting pissed at me for not giving a masturbation and orgasm fix. It is throwing every conceivable fantasy image at me from illegal porn to my beautiful wife, from fetish porn to fantasy images of every female I know that I've ever found even partly attractive. It is really trying hard to get me.
    At the moment I am 29 days since day zero, when I hit absolute rock bottom. It is partly will power, partly trauma, partly an absolute desire to manage this addiction.
    I had some time with my therapist today; it's only the second time I have seen her, but every time I get to say something, something about a piece of me that no one else has ever known, it is such a blessed relief. Today I talked about a long seated sexual response I've had (for as long as I can remember) about urine, whether that's pee porn, doing it with exes etc, I've always had a sexual response to it, but never have I actually said that to anyone. It is amazing how every time you say something out loud, the grip it has over you, the grip of the addiction immediately is a little less.
    My brain has not ever let me think of some of the images and video clips I saw as abuse. I am really scared, really terrified of how I am going to react when that desensitivity drops away. Why would my brain let me think it is okay to have looked at things?
    One stream that I spoke about with therapist was about how I am really unhappy about what I might have done in the future if unchecked. I used to 'only' fantasise about sex toys, but then I went and used them. I 'only' used to fantasise about cross dressing or bisexuality, but then I went and practiced that too. So what's to have stopped me having acting on anything really horrible with what I saw in illegal images? She suggests that the other things I did go and act on were legal. That there were no victims. My good conscious self knew that line. I only hope that is the case.
    I suppose, being only 4 weeks in to all this, my mind is still settling to the trauma of my world being thrown into turmoil. I am feeling so ready for this fight though.
    My wife is still bitterly angry. I keep telling myself that this is natural and that she has to go through her anger. It is so hard though. I haven't seen my baby girls for a month. I haven't seen my teenage son for a month; though he can call and we can speak, which is something. I miss my babies so much. My parents visited wife and family today and they said how one of the girls is properly up walking about. And here I am, not seeing those moments.
    I keep wishing for the future me to be able to 'be'. I know I have to go through everything first, but I hope I can somehow be a testament to others in the future. Help other men deal with low sperm counts, IVF, lost babies, secret sexual urges... what ever those things are that are not talked about and give a feed to addictions that eventually take you into areas of illegality.
    I got a good pep talk from someone on another support forum. To get out and demonstrate mindfulness, seeing the good things around me, donating my time to others. I feel I might be too early in my journey to do some of the things you mention, but there are little steps I can do. I can stop and give spare change. I can offer help at Salvation Army or Oxfam.
    I am not a bad person and god damn it I will show myself that.
    Thank you all for letting me talk.
  17. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    It is difficult dragging along at rock bottom. My wife is horrified at what I did and the situation we are in; that I have put us in.
    I have started to see a therapist. She is good and I am very comfortable with her. She is a specialist in sexual psychotherapy and of the topic that we're rightly not specifically mentioning.
    I have told her things about myself that no one else has ever known. That I have harboured for 30+ years. Not illegal, just sexual thoughts; and it feels such a weight off my soul.
    The legal system will take it's course. In the mean time I am trying to focus on one day at a time. some moments are good and more moments are bad, but to get to the end of each day not harbouring any fresh lies or fresh bouts of self loathing feels very nice, even if that serenity goes after a few moments and the depression returns.
    As well as the therapist I have got in with Sex Addicts Anonymous who are good. Also some self help from a particular foundation is good too.
    My brain is really trying every trick it can. It is flashing me with images and memories, it is trying to get me to letch anyone I walk past, it is trying to get my fingers over the mouse and onto the 'private browsing' browser. When that's failing, it is taking me to the places that the porn and sex escalations were coping mechanisms for. As I read more and more, I think I had the addictions or sexual compulsions for years and years, and my brain loved it when along came some very difficult things that I just didn't cope with at all.
    Hell of a horrible mixture.
    I took a call this afternoon from a SAA fellow. It feels good to talk with someone who gets it.
    I am worried for my wife though. I don't know if she has reached out for any support. I have mailed her some web sites, but she doesn't want to know what I have to say. She is speaking to my parents and my Sister though, and she has said to them that she knows he needs to get some support, so that is the first step. I hate that I have let her down so badly. I hate that I gave myself loads of excuses and lied to myself that what I did wasn't really all that bad.
    Thank you for letting me ramble on. I'm trying not to make this all about me; for the sake of my family it is most definitely not just about me, but if I can ramble on about it, then I am not isolated, and this addiction of selfishness can go and do one.
  18. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Your going through one hell of a bad time and over time things and feelings will change for the better,your doing the right thing by going to SAA and seeing a therapist and staying clean of this addiction, maybe when the legal thing is finished things with your wife will change for the better until then keep doing what your doing.
  19. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    Feeling very nauseous.

    Since my wife asked me a first direct question a few days ago about 'Had I done...", we had avoided me answering. Me because I didn't know how to and her probably fearful for the answers.

    It has come to a point now; she calmly said that she was going to send me a mail with a number of questions and wanted the answers to know what she was dealing with.

    My entire being is urging me to lie, to cover it up, to try and save my marriage.

    I'm not nauseous because of that, I'm nauseous because I have answered all of the questions honestly. I've not sent it yet, I think there is more I need to say. I was horrible. I betrayed and lied and hurt this woman who did nothing but love me.
  20. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    Thoughts keep invading my head. Very close to relapsing, very close to letting the images my brain is giving me start washing over. Definitely need to write.
    I spoke last night at SAA with Paul. I asked if he will help me take step 1. He will, I am ready to start.
    At another SAA meeting tonight, good to hear Nick and his story. Good to hear Toby talk - I love hearing Toby talk. So many people talk of their 'share' and include the story of a loving and caring other half.
    I answered my wife's questions today. They will hurt her and upset her. She might want to divorce me, I don't know where this will end up. I hope she wil lat least see that I have told her the truth. This is the first time I have told her the truth without any lie or secret in the background, hoping that I don't acidentally spill any beans. She knows what I have done and I am scared. Scared what she will do, scared I won't see my children, scared it will rock me to the point of me saying "F**k it, if I have no one then what's the point? I'll relapse as much as I want". My brain wants me to do that; it is killing me to feed it.
    I'm going to start my 3 circles. I need to start giving myself some guidance on what is acceptable, what is not, what is a warning.
    The internet can do one. I accidentally came across some pictures I took of when I hooked up with someone not my wife. My brain wanted desperately for me to look, start getting the fog and fantasising. I deleted them, they are gone. I then came across some pictures I took to send people; it is at a pretty damining stage when your brain wants you to relapse over photos you took of yourself. I deleted those too.
    I finished a nice audio book today. I've been listening to it to/from work the last few days. It is called Flamingo Boy. It's sweet, but brought a lump to my throat. I heard about it on the radio when the author was interviewed; it sounded like something I want to buy for my Son. I have bought a copy and I'm going to write to him inside the cover. I hope he will like it.
    Bit of an unstructured ramble. I will try and keep myself busy over Easter weekend. I'm heading to my parents at some point; Mum says Dad is overdoing things so I will have some jobs to do.
    Also need to carry on some homework from my therapist. She wants me to list out big things that happened in my life. Not just sexual points, but others too. School changes, deaths in family, moving house. All of it. The more I note down the more I remember. There is a lot of stuff up in my head, lots I had not remembered for a long time.
    Sorry, all a bit rambled there. Really just trying to get sordid stuff out of my mind. I don't want to relapse, I want to start helping myself and get rid of unwanted thoughts.

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