My journal: I have a very addictive personality, I have to change my life

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Asimplemanofpeace, Mar 5, 2012.

  1. Asimplemanofpeace

    Asimplemanofpeace New Member

    I'm on 35 days of no PMO. I started watching porn around age 12 and started masturbating at age 15, I'm 24 now. When I first starting masturbating to porn, my addiction wasn't that bad since I had limited use to a computer and shared it with my whole family. But around the age of 18 I got my own computer and that's when my addiction took a turn for the worse. I was viewing porn 5, 6 hours a day, masturbating 4 to 5 times a day. This was when I was in the military and had my own place, after I was discharged I went home and wasn't able to view porn as much as I use too. My addiction has never been consistent, there's always been a few months when I had the place to myself and would just view porn all day, but then I got my own apartment I know now the power of my addiction. My porn viewing spiked over the summer, and probably was the worst since I started looking at porn. I would wake up masturbate, once, twice, sleep, wake up and masturbate one or two times more. My pornography addiction was made worst by a marijuana addiction. I would smoke 50-100 bucks worth of weed a week, I liked to view pornography while high, because it made me feel like I was actually having intercourse with the female on screen. Over the summer brain has changed because of my addictions, I felt it. My concentration fell, I almost when completely crazy, mood swings, failed 6 classes in the last year. I have a very addictive personality, I've been addicted to video games, internet, female flirtation, porn, alcohol, and marijuana. It runs in my family, my sister has been addiction to heroin, my father is addicted to cigarettes, coffee, and may have been addicted to drugs as well. I also have an ongoing anxiety problem, which I have been seeing a psychologist for years for. I'm a very handsome guy, I've been told I should be a model, I'm not trying to sound egotistical here, but I've been so insecure for years that I've never had a girlfriend or had sex. I've had plenty of female friends, been on plenty of dates, but I've never felt comfortable with myself. Maybe it was because I was sexual harassed by girls and even some of the guys growing up, or maybe it was because my addictive personality. But I'm now realizing how my addiction feeds into my insecurity. I'm a strong willed person, I'm on day 35 and haven't relapsed. My life has been so shitty for so long, that not masturbating or looking at porn isn't going to do anything to me, I've been through way worst shit. But this is the biggest challenge so far, breaking my addictive habits is going to be the hardest, my strength comes from my life experience I have to remember that. Everyday little by little I'm feeling a little bit better. Smarter, stronger, more energy, little by little. I'm noticing how I'm viewing things differently, it can't be described only experienced. Maybe, my thoughts are less cynical, I've become such a cynic thanks to MJ and porn. I'm so glad I found yourbrainonporn.com, I always knew something had to be wrong with how I was conducting myself, I just never would have guessed it was porn.
     
  2. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Interesting first post. You seem to have a pretty good handle on how it's affecting your life, which for me is the main thing to be conscious of while rebooting. Anyway, since you're pretty advanced, might I ask what problems you've experienced thus far in your reboot? How has your mood been affected? Have you experienced any improvements in your overall thinking?
     
  3. ghostinthemirror

    ghostinthemirror New Member

    35 is an awesome score. You seem to be very strong - please keep going. A book I found very revealing is "Willpower is not enough - Recovering from addictions of any kind". This is written in the late 80ies, way before internet porn and is so clear about the addictive personality and addictive society.
     
  4. Asimplemanofpeace

    Asimplemanofpeace New Member

    The problems I've had are typical mood swings, depression, not knowing what to do with myself, boredom etc. I've worked out here and there that seems to help, I'm trying to get on a routine once I'm done with this college quarter. My mood is alot better. I'm begining to look forward to little things in life, train rides to school, playing with my dog, going for a walk etc. Its effected my overall thinking, I use to think so negative all the time, and I use to focus on things I didn't like about life and the people around me, especially my family. I use to be very insecure about myself, and I had a huge ego to cover it up. Now, my ego is going away, I don't really care what people think about me, because I'm not thinking about it. Its like I'm living in the moment.I'm also fighting a marijuana addiction, so the brain fog from the porn and weed isn't totally gone, but I do see a lot of improvements from where I was a couple of months ago.

    Thanks I will put that on my books to read, as well as The Brain Changes itself
     
  5. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    You seem very similar to me, personality-wise, so I'm glad that you're already getting some significant benefits to your mood and thinking. I used to smoke a lot of marijuana myself, probably a bit more than you. For me, giving it up wasn't really a choice, since I moved to another country for a while where I didn't know anybody/have a hookup. I definitely went through some withdrawals, but it wasn't like an illness or being hungover or anythign. Nowadays, I rarely smoke it.

    However, this might help you: I used to be addicted to cigarettes, also, and quitting those was greatly helped by starting to do long distance running. As you can imagine, it's hard to be a runner and a smoker at the same time, since smoking kills your lungs. So, perhaps you'd have an easier time quitting weed if you started some serious running. Just a suggestion. Good luck.
     
  6. Asimplemanofpeace

    Asimplemanofpeace New Member

    I've never been a good runner but I am trying here and there. I'm super stressed about school right now and it seems like I'm going back into my video game/internet addiction. My addictive personality has led to me to fail 6 classes in the pass year. Now that I am on the right track I plan to replace my addictions with exercise.
     
  7. Asimplemanofpeace

    Asimplemanofpeace New Member

    Day 36:
    I had no energy today. I had no libido. Yesterday I couldn't keep my penis down and I was full of energy. I was very depressed today, I don't know why.
     
  8. sojourner

    sojourner Guest

    If I may contribute, another good book to read is "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy". It was the only book that helped me pick myself out of a major depressive rut, and helped me to evaluate the kinds of thoughts I had. It might help you, too.

    Another thing that has helped me reprogram my mind is subliminal software. I don't know how much time you spend in front of your computer, but I'm on a lot, so I always have my program running with the affirmations I've loaded in. It's helped me speed up my mental healing over a bunch of issues, including self-image and porn/masturbation.
     
  9. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    I agree with sojourner, that if you're having genuine depression, the books of David D. Burns are great (he's from the school of therapy called "Cognitive Behavior Therapy", which is one of the more influential ones at the moment).

    Marijuana's tough to quit, especially if it's plentiful where you live or if your social circle uses it a lot. But if you really feel like you're using it too much, making a concerted effort to quit would probably be a good idea. It's not easy, but I think it's probably a lot easier than quitting PMO, to be honest. The first day off, you're going to feel kind of shitty, but like I said it's in no way unbearable.
     
  10. Asimplemanofpeace

    Asimplemanofpeace New Member

    Yeah, all my friends smoke MJ, I told them all about what my plans are and what I'm going through, so if anything they are supportive. As far as my depression goes, I've been on medication before and been in therapy, I know my causes of root causes of depression, and I think the best thing for me is just to start an exercise routine. The whole time I've been going through my anxiety and the worst parts of my porn addiction, I wasn't working out, I'm going to start working out soon.
     
  11. Asimplemanofpeace

    Asimplemanofpeace New Member

    Day 37-38

    Soooooo tired, sleeping alot, I've been very horny lately. I've been trying to keep my mind off it, by watching basketball and national geographic. I can't watch commericials or tv shows with women in it, because the fantasizes keep getting stronger, yet I can't picture a woman a girl naked. The fantasizes are more me having sex with a women, instead me picturing a women having sex. I fantasize about making love instead of sex. On the plus side of things my penis has grown, I dunno maybe 3/4 of a inch to an inch, I really can't measure it for sure because I haven't had a full erection since the last time I masturbated (38 days ago.)
     
  12. Asimplemanofpeace

    Asimplemanofpeace New Member

    Does the software work? I just downloaded one called thinkright. How do you its working?
     
  13. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    I'm really inspired by your making it 38 days.

    I don't mean to come on like a "bro", but I seriously think that if you started doing some working out a lot of shit would come into place for you. Once your muscles start getting some strenuous activity, your body forces you to start looking at your diet. With diet and some physical activity in your life, one's mood starts to improve tremendously. Doesn't your school have a gym for the students to use? The other thing is that exercise is pretty addictive in itself, but not in a bad way.

    Since you're a bit ahead of a lot of us keep us updated.
     
  14. Asimplemanofpeace

    Asimplemanofpeace New Member

    Days 39-40
    I had my 4th wet dream, yuck. Went to bed very horny because of a show called Secrets of the Playboy mansion (my friends wanted to watch it). Feeling better, its tingling down there every time I even glance at an attractive female on tv, internet, or in real life. I wish I could avoid all this sex everywhere I look, but its nearly impossible in todays society. Girls are dressing sluttier, I just have to try my best to ignore them. I don't censor my internet, I just do my best not to look at all the sex thats around me, so far its working pretty well. The reason I'm quitting PMO is because of concentration, and energy problems. My concentration better, energy well not yet. I have more energy but not as much as I think I should. Exercise should fix that. I don't have ED, I've never had a problem getting it up. So far so good, I don't think I'm totally fixed yet, but I think I'll be fine soon enough.
     
  15. sojourner

    sojourner Guest

    I've never used ThinkRight. I use Free Subliminal Text (PC only). It helps out a lot, but it would benefit you the most if you were on the computer a lot. You'll see old ways of thinking start to dissolve, especially when you phrase your affirmations correctly.

     
  16. sojourner

    sojourner Guest

    Forgive me, I'm a little lost. You're quitting PMO?

    Not to presuppose, but having been on antidepressants before, the drugs could be what's causing your inability to concentrate. I'm not a doctor, so my opinion should not be considered "medical advice" but memory loss/inability to concentrate were two of the reasons I weaned myself off of them, and, coincidentally, the longest-lasting side effects.

    I'd say stick with the experiment and focus on what in you triggers your desire to masturbate. When I started looking at why I did it, my discovery was a bit shocking. But, hey, to each his own; you have to do what you feel is right for you.
     
  17. Asimplemanofpeace

    Asimplemanofpeace New Member

    Days 41-43
    I'm really stressed right now because of finals, feeling the effects too. Feeling easily frustrated and procrastinating alot. I hope to rid of my stress once I start working out (this school quarter needs to end quicker!). My concentration has improved significantly, I play first person shooters on my computer and during my extreme PMO days I was terrible and couldn't aim, now it seems like I can never miss. I had another wet dream on day 43, my fifth overall wet dream since I started 43 days ago. Then I had the urge to go look for an escort, and I was close to calling up making an appt, but I told myself I need to put my energy into doing something positive, so I went for a run at the park. I was really considering escort services, something that I would even consider doing during my PMO days, its crazy how your brain plays tricks on you. I have to be strong until finals are over and I can get an exercise routine going.
     
  18. Asimplemanofpeace

    Asimplemanofpeace New Member

    I'm quitting masturbating forever. I know its a combination of drugs and PMO that caused my ability to concentrate. Slowly, my ability to concentrate is coming back.
     
  19. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Interesting that you've had so many wet dreams by this point. I suspect that signifies progress.

    As for getting escorts, maybe instead you should just hit the bars or whatever with your friends and chat some girls up there. Why spend money when you don't need to? Take that recovered libidinous energy and point it in the direction of the real deal.
     
  20. Existential

    Existential New Member

    Hello everyone, I am new here and this is my first post. I haven't really made a proper intro thread or anything because I have been reading so much on YBOP and these forums over the last couple of weeks (maybe I'll make a journal or something later on). It's been really eye opening reading all these posts from all the people suffering from this so I don't feel so alone and frustrated anymore. I like to read from people who are in the same age range as me (I am 25 turning 26 next week) so that is why I am replying to Asimplemanofpeace and providing some encouragement and support to keep going. I am only on day 10 with no PMO and reading that Asimplemanofpeace is going on day 43 is awesome, though I envy that you don't have ED (lucky haha). Anyways, hope all is going good and that you are seeing a lot of improvements.

    @sojourner: I am using your approach using Free Subliminal Text and want to see how well it works since I spend most of the day behind a computer screen. I just wanted to ask you how you phrase your sentences (I don't know if it's different for each person on how they phrase their sentences though -PM me if you'd like or whatever-) and how fast do you have your timing for the phrases to appear on screen (like right now I have it at On:50 and Off:50). Oh, and how visible is the phrase, very faint or slightly visible. Thanks in advance.
     

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