My journal...here we go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by deepbluesea567, Feb 14, 2019.

  1. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    @sveltest I appreciate your enthusiasm bro, however, my job as an IT consultant relies on me having a computer. So that is not an option for me. I'm learning how to deal with it in other ways. Change doesn't happen overnight. Setbacks will happen during the course of this change, it's how you deal with it and how you learn from those mistakes that truly makes or breaks you. I'm more positive, more enlightened and more confident already since this last setback than I have been in the last few months to a year.

    "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it" - Margaret Thatcher
     
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  2. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    Things have been going well lately. No major urges ,and any small urges have easily been pushed away. Being early in the reset again, I realize the urges will get stronger the longer the streak goes. However, trying to live day by day, instead of living by the streak is the way to go. The biggest things I've noticed since going multiple days in a row without PMO, is small victories. I can feel a sense of confidence beginning to come back. Sensitivity is even slowly coming back. I have gotten erections just thinking about sex with my wife. Still not confident enough to initiate anything myself, however I hope that day will come soon. It's such a mental block for me, i'm just so afraid of failing. But those small victories are encouraging as the PMO becomes less and less. Even with a setback last week, doing it once without binging and then multiple days off, I can feel how recovery is closer, how it's possible to get there. Anyways, keeping up the fight, stay strong friends.
     
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  3. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I hear you on this one. It is great to have hope back.
     
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  4. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    Been a while since I have come on here. I was away on business for a couple weeks. Things didn't go well. Fell back into the trap, and the cycle that it seems to always bring with it. I need to remove my counter, because i'm not sold on relying on a specific amount of days anymore. I find it to be more of a false goal than the overall goal. Focusing on each day as day 1, is the best way to go. Focusing on retraining my brain to live in this reality instead of a porn addicted reality is the only way to go. I'm starting to see that my overall issues rely on how my brain has been completely re-wired for porn instead of reality. I've had moments of spontaneous boners when thinking about sex with my wife, but if it came to actually doing it, my mind freaks out. My brain has been so reliant on sitting in a chair and staring at a screen to get aroused, that laying down with a real person doesn't even come close to exciting me. How fucked up is that? But that seems to be the reality, much more than "my dick doesn't work". I think it does work, but truly just need to re-wire my brain's arousal sensory. That's all for now. Hope everyone is doing well and fighting the good fight and finding some success.
     
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  5. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    Once again, it's been a long time since I've been on here. I've not had good luck keeping clean from PMO. Over the time I've been away I've stayed clean then binged, the typical yo-yo affect. I'm sick of it. I need to get over this, and so I found my way back. A few months ago I had my best streak when I was coming on here regularly because it reminded me that this is a big issue, a real issue. I've recently found some podcasts of Noah Church and Gary Wilson that are helping me keep my mind on the big picture. I'm back here, and hope to stop in from time to time to read, and comment. What a vicious cycle this is. The time is now.
     
  6. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    Current 6 day streak and i'm doing ok. I feel like i'm in a better position to handle this stretch than before. I'm more attuned to the addiction this time. That this is truly an addiction, in every sense of the word. Last night came some pretty strong urges but I held out. I kept reminding myself that it's the addiction talking, the addiction needing the dopamine, not me. I put myself into a good state of mind and blocked out the urges as much as possible. I did some work and went to bed. Let me tell you, it feels great to wake up in the morning knowing you pushed those fucking urges to the curb. But it was one night. One set of urges. This is day by day, urge by urge. But I do feel that i'm in a place now where I can do a better job pushing aside the urges when they come on. Another perspective that I used last night that I feel was helpful, was to remember the temporary satisfaction I would have had last night by looking at P would be nowhere the satisfaction i'll get when I can say i'm over this addiction. I can use that next time too. Day 6 was hard. Day 20 will be harder. Day 40 will be harder yet. I'm going to keep my nose to the grind stone, because this shit is not more important than true love, nor is it more important than my wife or family. Those are the things that are important and I've been fucking up for too long by not focusing on the real things in life. Feels good to vent my thoughts here. I'll return another time with more thoughts, and with a longer streak behind and in front of me. Cheers
     
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  7. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    I'm back for a check in. current 12 day streak and doing well. This weekend was particularly difficult as one of my main triggers or reasons to PMO came about. This is being hung over. In the past I would always find comfort in PMO when hungover. I'd say this came about while in college....I could be hung over as shit, wake up and sit in my locked bedroom for hours and PMO. That has become harder these years with a wife and kids, but i'd always somehow find a way to make it happen. So, Saturday was rough, I was very hungover after a good friends birthday bash. After sleeping it off and finally being able to move, the urges were really strong to get back on the computer. Urges were even more strong as my wife and kids had a play date with some friends and I was home by myself. It took some serious control to stay away from the computer. I kept reminding myself that the time is now to block the urges. I kept telling myself i'm going to be pissed off and back to square one if I give in. It's an addiction, this is THE addiction. The cravings are the addiction. The habit of doing this is the addiction. And so I fought the urges, I stayed away from the computer. It was difficult, but I did it. That night, my dreams were vivid. I had dreams of being alone at home, with the devil telling me to PMO and the angel telling me not to. It felt so very real. Even in the dream I fought the urges. I feel good for staying strong and not giving in, but not as good as I have about it in the past. I think it's because i'm still having the desire to look at images. There are a couple saved photos I have that my mind keeps going to, just wanting to look at. I can't give in to that because I know what it will lead to, and I can't go back there. While i'm still not feeling great about my weekend success, i'm still feeling like i'm on a great track. I just listened to a Noah Church podcast where he was featured by Lawrence Ampofo. I feel like listening to these types of podcasts are very helpful for me. As I mentioned in a previous post, these help me keep a clear head about why i'm doing this. This shit is real, the addiction is real, the PIED is real and it's ruining my life. Beyond the PIED, the other things Noah talks about are also very real with me. Things like less interest in all other parts of my life. Being desensitized to real emotion in life. Not crying over things you should cry about. Not loving people in your life the way you should. All this stuff is so real when you hear someone explain it. Almost like I've known I felt that way, but until I heard someone say it and how it can be tied into psychological issues related to addiction....total mind blown kind of feeling for me. But the fact other people have gone through this and came out the other end with success makes me know i can do it too.

    For a long time when I was younger I felt looking at porn was just a habit. It was a habit ingrained in me to do when I was bored or tired, or hung over etc. That habit formed in to an addiction I didn't know about until now. So in order to break the addiction, I need to break the habit aspect first. If it can become a habit for me to NOT look at porn, I feel as though the addiction part will slowly get better and I can begin to heal my brain. I am trying to replace the habit of porn with other things like working out, or accomplishing things like cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, growing veggies in the garden, taking the kids to the park or zoo etc. Those are things I should be focused on instead of porn. If I can replace the bad with the good, one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time, the bad habits can turn to good habit and my brain can hopefully heal. That is what I look forward to. Those are the thoughts i'm keeping close as I move through each day.

    I appreciate it if you're reading these posts, but if not this truly is a therapeutic journal for me, so either way it's beneficial. Good luck to you all in your journey. Keep up the good fight.

    These days may be dark, but there will be light at some point in this tunnel.
     
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  8. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    Another tough night of urges last night. My wife was away from home working late on a major deadline she has at work. After getting the kids to bed, the urges hit strong. My brain was telling me to look, just a little bit. Just look at a couple photos and that's it. I've heard those voices before and have caved. Not this time. I just can't fall back to that place. Blocking these urges out are so extremely difficult. Instead of caving in, I turned on a work out video and did a solid 45 minute workout, followed up by walking on the treadmill in the garage for another 30 minutes. I had some water and rest afterwards and then went to bed. I woke up feeling good, not great, but good and proud of myself for another day achieved.

    Day by day.

    Urge by urge.

    My will power is being tested and so far i'm doing a good job and being strong (even though it sucks in the moment and all I want to do is cave).

    I'm not the one to give advice to anyone, but if I could give advice to anyone when the urges come, that would be to just know it's not going to kill you to not give in. It may suck, it may be hard, it may feel the hardest thing to NOT do, but you won't die. You won't collapse, you just have to say no. You have to have the will power to endure the shitty feeling of not caving. So much easier said than done, I know, but it's absolutely true. Fill that void with something else to occupy your time. Last night I worked out. It felt good to sweat and kill time. Having moments of success like this will give me the knowledge that I can use for the next time it gets tough. Every time I have a strong urge and conquer it successfully, it is one more building block to look back on and build from.

    One day at a time friends.
     
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  9. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    20 days in and still holding strong. Urges were much less last week, which was a nice break mentally. I had a night alone over the weekend. I worked out and began a project building a workbench in the garage. My mind stayed clear with hardly any urges at all. The rest of the weekend was busy so not much time for the urges to creep in. A hopeful sign is even at night lately (when urges are typically the strongest), I've had much less draw to P. By staying away from P and filling my time with other useful things, I feel like i'm at the beginning stages of changing my bad habits that have been ingrained in me for so long. While this feels like a positive, the negative is that my libido continues to be non-existent. That is the hardest part of this process, feeling worthless sucks. I recently got a prescription for sildenafil (Viagra). I'm at the point where i'm desperate to have some action with my wife. But i'm scared to take it, because it likely won't help. Anyone with PIED have experience with this? In my head I feel a huge lack of confidence and I want to believe that if I could get it up and have some successful sex, my confidence would come back. Who knows though. This is likely the flatline feeling people talk about. Super frustrating
     
  10. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Hey man. JMO, but it sounds like you are in a flat line. Nothing to be worried about. In fact, since I'm single I actually enjoyed the flatline stage. It was very peaceful, like my mind was finally relaxing a bit. Keep replacing your bad habits with good ones that you believe in and enjoy.
    I can't speak to the viagra because I'm not married and did not have an opportunity to have sex. But my personal advice would be to try and wait it out. Honestly i know this may not feel like a great option, and it's not really my place to say. But you could consider telling your wife about your struggles with porn and the effects that it has had on your brain. That way she can help you and be supportive with the process and would help take some of the pressure off you. Like I said, I can not speak from experience, but from everything I've read I, most everyone is ecstatic with how much better sex is once they have done a full reboot.

    Check out this guy's first graph. I've always enjoyed it, as it shows that recovery isn't very linear in the day to day. But in the overall we are generally improving:
    https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-accounts/rebooting-accounts-page-1/

    Keep up the good fight sir!
     
  11. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    @SeekingWisdom Thank you for the reply and thoughts. I would agree i'm in a flatline, as defined by others. I value your opinion and wish I could tell my wife about this, but I just can't. That seems more impossible than anything else in this world and I can't even imagine the guilt i'd feel. I envy those who have been able to be honest with their spouse about this struggle, but at this point, I can not do it.

    That graph is very interesting to see and his words are powerful. I remember seeing that same article when I first found all this information about PIED but didn't quite know what it all meant then. It makes sense now and I just have to keep going, day by day. Hopefully one day all my natural body will become harmonious again. I'd welcome it sooner rather than later :)
     
  12. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    To add to the positive part of my update yesterday, i'm feeling very good about where i'm at in my habit forming. In a previous post I talked about how I feel porn became a habit for me after it was initially a lust thing as a young kid. As an unexperienced kid I used porn to figure it all out, but then it became a habit, and then an addiction. But I feel like the habit is very important here. For the last many years, my office has been where it all happens. I couldn't even walk past the office without thinking about PMO and wanting to do it, NEEDING to do it. Through this process I decided it was important to create new positive habits in my life that I would do instead of PMO. Only a couple shorts weeks ago I began to work out in replacement of PMO. The urges were super strong while working out, after working out, the next morning etc. I'd walk past the office and get urges. I've continued to work out instead of PMO, and those urges have slowly gotten weaker. As mentioned many months ago, I work as an IT consultant for many clients around the nation remotely, so being on my computer, in the office is also my place of work. That has created a big problem, obviously. With that said, a few nights over the last couple weeks I have been home alone, working in my office and the urges have been crazy. The most intense urges I've ever had, but I fought them off tooth and nail. It wasn't easy. Only a couple short weeks removed from those crazy urges, and my new good habits, I feel, are already taking effect. I realized I walked by my office a handful of times in the last few days, never thinking about P once. Last night I was working a client case from my office, then worked out. Halfway through my work out I realized, holy crap I didn't have any urges while working in the office tonight. Obviously i'm only 21 days into this streak, and anything can happen, but I feel so much stronger than I ever had against this force of PMO. I can definitely say creating positive habits in place of bad habits has absolutely helped begin to change my minds routine of what I do and what I think about. I truly feel, at this moment, I will be able to stay away from P for the long haul and begin to fully recover. That is where I need to be and that is what i'm striving for.
     
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  13. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Keep it up man! Doing great!

    Might want to check this out for your office since you work from home. I don't have to work in my office all day but this still helped me:
    https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/too...ction/♦solo-tools/move-your-furniture-around/
     
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  14. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    Been a while since I've been on here, and I have a bit of an update. A couple weeks back I decided to try sildenafil. I had been going back and forth whether I should take it or not, afraid that it may not help me. Good news, it absolutely helped me, worked as advertised and finally had sex with the wife again. It was amazing. The touch , the feel, the excitement etc, all returned for that evening. More importantly was confidence. This whole ordeal has lead to an extreme lack of confidence in this area and only makes the issue worse. So i'm happy to report that i'll lean on the pill for a while and continue to have sex and slowly wein myself off as my confidence continues to stable back out. With the good news is also bad news...after a couple nights of sex, I gave in to the urges of PMO one night when my wife was away on business. It was the classic "hey you had sex and are doing great, so why not" mentality that took over me. However, it was just one time, no binging and overall i'm still feeling confident and sticking to my guns about staying away from PMO. The real deal is sooo amazing. It's crazy how PMO makes you forget that. So anyways, i'll be resetting my counter and hoping for another good stretch with real sex. Cheers.
     
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