My journal...here we go

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by deepbluesea567, Feb 14, 2019.

  1. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    Alright, so here we go. Found this site, and YBOP a little over a month ago, and it blew my mind. I'm married, never had issues with ED until recently after getting into PMO very often, everyday for a long time. It blew my mind because I think I found why all of a sudden I couldn't get it up anymore. I'm young, this shouldn't happen. My libido is so low. I'm young, this shouldn't happen, right? Right?? Well, I've been reading, and reading, and reading these journals. And it's been like reading my own mind. I wasn't ready to start a journal, but I was ready to try to tackle this shit. I'll get into my back ground below and then get into where i'm at. Hoping you will read, and comment and root me on. Seems like a great community, all trying to get to the same place. And i'm hoping this will be therapeutic and keep me accountable. So, here we go.

    34 yo. Been PMO since the early days of AOL with slooooooow loading porn pics. I was probably in middle school at this time. Continued through highschool, had some sex in high school. PMO continued into college, being on my own, it definitely became easier and I spent more time doing it. Had a girl friend. Had lots of sex. Never had issues balancing both, and frankly didn't think it was an issue (why would I, I was handling both just fine?). After college moved back to my home town, the PMO continued and intensified. Still was having sex, without issues. Met my future wife, having lots of sex, lots of PMO as we didn't live together yet. Once we moved in, still lots of sex and PMO as much as I could (at night, would come home during lunch breaks to do it etc.) At this point I began to think, man, maybe i'm addicted to this shit. But, at the same time, was still having sex, so what the hell, why mess up a good thing?! Baby #1 came, PMO continued, sex continued but slowed down. Baby #2 came and my wife began to have some health issues. Sex pretty much stopped because of those issues, and the PMO picked up. Every day. Edging for hours on end. Telling myself I would stop soon and get back to real life and real sex. But it didn't happen. Probably a solid year went by of this routine. Attempted sex a couple times...no boner!! Couldn't believe it. WTF could be wrong?? I was googling everything under the sun...until I came across this site and YBOP....and boom, mind blown.

    So here we are. At the beginning of January I stopped PMO altogether. It really didn't seem that difficult to be honest. I knew I had found what I needed to do, so, fuck it! I'll quit! Pretty happy with myself through that stretch. I was feeling good. Still felt a low libido. On top of that I was terrified to even try sex. I was terrified of not getting hard again and letting her down. At this point it becomes a mental thing for me. Like, before any of these issues popped up, I never had issues getting hard. I would kiss her and get hard. I would touch her thigh and get hard. So now, when I kiss her, touch her thigh and don't get hard, I get into my own head. I can't just relax and let it happen The mental side is kicking my ass. And maybe that is a problem all in itself. Or maybe, that is a complete lack of confidence? Not sure. Anyhow.....back to the topic.....after about 28 days I gave in, and went back to PMO. The one thing I noticed was how fucking sensitive my dick was...like wow, super sensitive. This was a light bulb moment for me, even though I caved, I knew, hey, this nofap thing could be for real, I just have to get through it. Unfortunately, PMO has a powerful way of creeping back in. The next week and a half was a mix of a couple days off a couple days on. I kept thinking, shit, I don't need nofap, I can get over this and get hard (silly me).

    So now i'm back here. I am currently PMO free for 4 days and i'm hoping like hell starting this journal will create some accountability for me. I need my life back. I need my marriage back. I need my libido back, so bad. It's like, I want to fuck so bad, but there is no drive there. And i'm so scared to try because I don't want the same thing to continue to happen. Thank you all in advance for reading this. I will try my best to post everyday, even if they are short to say hi and how it's going. In fact, most will not be this long, this was the opening salvo, if you will. Weekends will be more difficult to post, but we'll see how it goes.

    Cheers
     
    -Luke-, Intothewild89 and Merton like this.
  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    Welcome deepbluesea567. I hope this community can be of support to you. I think that if you keep working on staying away from P and instead focus on your relationship and real sex slowly things should go back to normal. There is indeed a strong mental component to this and there's nothing worst to a a natural boner then being self conscious (as we all know lol...). Best luck forward!
     
    Merton likes this.
  3. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    @deepbluesea567 Welcome and best of luck. As they say, the most important sexual organ is between our ears. Give yourself time to heal and try and not rush it!
     
  4. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    @Thelongwayhome27 & @caoimhin, thank you for the words and support. This is the first for me mentioning this "out loud" to anyone, so i'm truly hoping this will be therapeutic and a path forward. Again, appreciate the feedback, and i'll be sure to report back daily as much as possible. As I've been reading other members threads, it's amazing to see the progress some have made, and also the ups and downs they go through. I'm not here to get excited about 5 days free, or even 5 months. This is day by day, moment by moment and individual success to each and every time I get tested with a moment of weakness.

    Cheers.
     
  5. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    One thing I wanted to add, about my 28 day streak during January, that I was hoping someone could shed some light on....probably a week or two in I began to get erections in the middle of the night, while asleep. I'd wake up fully hard, i'd lay in bed and it would stay hard for what seemed like forever. this happened night aafter night after night. I thought, why is this happening now, but when I WANT to have sex I can't get hard. This just seemed so weird, definitely some sort of brain function that I can't explain. Any thoughts?
     
  6. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    Are they those night erections that once you go piss they go down ? I get a lot of those, especially when I'm on a streak. I think the not getting hard while trying real sex is really mental right now. Maybe discovering YBOP has made you really nervous about it, and hence you don't get hard when you try real sex. Personally I've always been a little skeptical about everything on YBOP and NoFap ; I've been PMOing a lot since I was 15 and I never had severe PIED. As long as I stop P I am pretty confident I can perform fine. Unless I'm really nervous of course, but that's not PIED.
     
  7. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    @Thelongwayhome27 Yes, but I never had these before stopping PMO. They just seemed to be happening more since I stopped during that stretch. I figured maybe that was normal, because I was becoming more sensitive or more aroused during sleep? I was unable to get hard before the discovery of YBOP when trying to be with my wife. However, the mental side of things is truly an issue for me. It's a lack of confidence and worried it will happen again. And once it does happening while we are trying, I can't stop thinking about it, I can't get out of my own head. I can't just relax and be natural. So I do feel like porn has desensitized me, but I also feel like it is a mental/confidence thing as well. Definitely a low libido thing. I'll look at my wife's naked body and WANT to fuck, but that drive isn't there you know? Not like it used to be where i'd just get after it. I want that back.
     
  8. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    Yeah I hear you man and I imagine everyone is affected differently from the P abuse, despite some common themes which places like YBOP have helped shedding light on. I can be a bit of a septic on some of those things but I can also see many people are affected (myself included I had some pretty bad delayed ejaculation episodes when trying to have sex). Well I guess if you try to abstain for P long term, you will discover more and more what your life can be without this element in it. There are definitely sold reasons to infer that without P your natural libido and sensitivity will increase. Abusing porn definitely cannot help and as we get in our 30's I guess we also have less reserves then back in our teens and 20s. Best of luck in staying away from the P !! And as most people say on here, it's hard to really gage what life can be like without the P before at least 3 months. I myself never reached that mark yet lol... as I have, it seems, a bad addiction.
     
  9. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    Yesterday was a good day. Stayed busy at work. Played with the kids at home and had a good meal with the family. Watched some tv and had some drinks with the wife. No urges.

    This morning on my way to work I had a quick urge to look at some images...I quickly pushed those thoughts out of my mind as I know it's not right. This is a long term goal that I HAVE to get to. No room for breaking, especially this early, a couple days into the reboot. Onward and upward. Today is another day.

    @Thelongwayhome27 Thanks for the support and words of encouragement. Hopefully we can all reach that point sooner than later
     
    Intothewild89 and Merton like this.
  10. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    You can do it man! I totally relate to your story. I too looked through tons of AOL dialup porn. How could we have been so naive for years and years? How could we think this is normal? Were cavemen huddled in caves masturbating nonstop?

    When I have gone a long time without porn, I have had huge recovery in terms of sexual function. I began abstaining from PMO in 2015 when I was unable to finish during sex. During my first streak, after about 60-70 days, I could finally have sex. There is a way out, my friend!
     
  11. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    Yesterday was a good day. Light cravings, nothing major. Today the cravings are here as the wife is out of the house for a few hours. However, i have the kids by myself which makes any chance to be bad non existent, which is great! I do have the cravings too hop on the computer to look around at images. Went to the gym this morning and worked out which I always enjoy doing to help burn energy and stay in a positive mind set. Feeling good today tho.

    @Merton thanks for the words of encouragement. Your thread is one i've been reading alot lately, so i appreciate you taking the time to see mine and give me a shout out. Hearing the success you've had and the return to somewhat normalcy is encouraging to me. I just want to get back to getting aroused naturally. Did you have ED issues or just issues not finish?
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  12. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Nocturnal erections are mainly from the dream state.

    Ill even wake up from nightmares and be rock hard

    Good luck man. Youre lucky you got kids and a wife to take your mind off shit.
     
  13. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    Thanks man! I think I had both problems, ED and not finishing. Since I have had many relapses with porn since 2015 I have recently also had ED problems but no issues finishing. When I have gone a long time without porn (over 60 days or so) the ED goes away. It is clearly the addiction causing the problems. It is incredible to me that people claim that PIED does not exist. I am living proof that it does.
     
  14. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    Today is going well so far. Definitely having urges to look at P. As I go through this process and read others journals, I can tell my issues are strictly looking at P. My urges are just that...my brain starts to wander to wondering what new models there are to look at, looking at old saved photos etc. The MO are just along for the ride and a cause of the P world. The hard part for me is staying off my computer in general. I am an IT guy, both for work and my own home network. I love it and enjoy spending time building networks, tweaking them, adding things etc. My P has increased over the years due to my knowledge in this area and how I can make things better, faster etc. My home network is robust with a powerful enterprise level server that has virtual machines for many non P things such as media server for music, movies, tv shows etc, a surveillance server for home cameras, a wifi controller for the access points I have. The list goes on. In addition is the P server, with lots of disk space. As you can imagine this makes viewing it so easy and easy to hide. During my first streak, I deleted it all (kept all saved images on an external HDD and hid it away far far from easy access). I thought doing this would help. Which, maybe it did but what I learned was that, because I enjoy tech so much, once those urges came roaring back, I also got excited to rebuild my P server. The excitement of doing both was awesome, and the slippery slope was created. The entire time I was doing it I knew it was wrong and against what I was striving for, but it didn't matter. I ended up wasting even more time re-creating my P world. This time around i'm trying a different approach. I have just turned off that server this time so I don't have the urge of excitement of rebuilding it. While it would be easier and quicker to turn it on and get back into it, I feel like this might be better for me, so we'll see how that goes this time around.

    So as of this moment I am in my office, on my pc and the urges are there to fire up that server just to look, but i'm not going to. That has always been the habit, the routine. I feel like if I can continue to NOT do that when I get the urges eventually those feelings, those routines will dissipate. That is the hope, that is the goal. Like so many of you, that routine has been a way to escape reality, and i'm starting to sense that with me as well. It's like a feeling of, ok i'm bored or i'm stressed or i'm hungover, let's escape for a bit. I believe with everything we consume in life, it's fine in moderation. A little alcohol, a little weed a little porn, hey no big deal. But when those things become vices to escape, that is when it's trouble. Along with PMO for a long long time, I've also been smoking weed for over 15 years. For so long it was a managed addiction. I smoked a ton, but always got decent grades and kept focus. I always stayed course, I've had a good job, good relationships even though I smoked a ton of weed. As I've become a father it's been much more difficult to smoke so much (no biggie) but found that i'd stay up late at night so I could smoke, and then my wife would go to bed so then i'd PMO. Vicious cycle. During my first streak beginning in January I figured I needed to quit smoking as well. I thought that would be harder to quit than P. Havn't had a puff since New Years Eve and honestly havn't missed it and the urges are nothing compared to P. Crazy! So now i'm rambling and I need to get going. Thanks for listening to my rant, my thoughts. I feel getting this out of my mind is helpful, therapeutic as i'd hoped. Onward and upward.

    @sveltest Thanks for the words, and I agree, i'm lucky to have a family. It definitely helps keep me on track more. If I was single, lived alone etc, this would be extremely difficult I imagine.

    @Merton Again thanks, and I hope too the ED and confidence issues will go away with time.
     
  15. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    Follow up from my post earlier today....

    Today was a good day. I had a great day with the family. Played with the kids, had a great workout at the gym, spent quality time with my wife. But the urges were STRONG today. (I know those two things can co-exist.) I wanted to fire up that P server. I wanted to look at photos, look at videos and PMO, so bad. I didn't. Every time I let my mind wander to those thoughts, I thought about this community. I thought about writing about it. I thought about every body else on here and their struggles, and how real this is. Also, having a family around makes it harder to do so, which is great. As I suppress those thoughts, I think about all the times I caved. About the times I so easily gave in to the urges. It's so easy to do. I sit here now with my wife in bed, kids in bed, on my PC, I have all the power in the world to fire up that P server and get after it. I want to so bad. I'm not going to. After i write this I have some work to do for a client's network, fixing some odd routing issues they are experiencing. It's going to suck tonight. But I know i'll wake up in the morning and be happy I did. At the very least, I know that if I caved right now I'd wake up mad at myself. The joy is temporary. It would be fantastic right now, but i'd be so angry at myself in the morning.

    I'm at 7 days going on 8 (I had to update my counter because it was incorrect), and this time around is much more difficult than the first time. I'm not sure why. Maybe it is because i'm thinking about it more? Maybe because i'm active on this forum? Not sure. However, I feel a better sense of accomplishment this time. I feel like I have a better understanding. I do know that i'll break the streak at some point, and that will be ok. But I'm hoping that I can begin to slow things down. IE, I hope that whenever the day comes I break the streak, I can PMO quickly instead of edging. Or I hope I can simply MO instead of P. I need to get to a point where, if I have to break, I am changing for the better.

    I need to sign off now. Everyone, have a great night and a great Monday. Let's continue to fight the good fight and become better humans. I appreciate you all.

    Cheers
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  16. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    This is so true. I can tell you from experience, since I did this last night. Now I feel so much worse than I would have if I had abstained.
     
    deepbluesea567 likes this.
  17. Neilk

    Neilk Member

    Man you gotta work through this. Im in a similar boat. 34 yo been pmo ing since i found my parents vhs tapes when i was like 13 or 14. Ming since probably 9. Lots of sex in my teens mixed with Pmo. Never had a problem. In my mid 20s after i got married i sustained a back injury that led to depression and lots of PMO. Then things went south. Periods of no boner. Would stop briefly it would come back i though i was healed went right back to it now ed mixed with prematurely ejaculation. Its a viscious cycle. Again and again. Had a kid what sex i was having stopped PMO got bad again so bad i didnt sleep in bed for over a year because i was afraid she would try to initiate sex and i would fail. So i stayed on the couch and jerked my weak boner night after night. I finally stopped and officially declared this to be my year to stop this. Im currently 50 days in. It hasnt been easy. Good days and bad. I found coming here on those bad days and just reading posts for 20 min or so would remind me of why i am doing this and my reasons for wanting to beat this addiction. Focus on the positive reasons and the positive outcomes and filling your time you used to do those things with new hobbies stay away from those devices entirely on those bad days and start a project on the house to better use your time. Go to bed with your wife and fight the urge to sneak out of bed. You will get through this. After about 3 weeks you will start noticing the urges should be less but they will still be there.
     
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  18. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    Busy couple days with work and such but still going good. Havn't caved or gave into the urges. The urges are still there, but have waned a bit since I have been busy and away from my home office. Not much time to write today. Take it easy everyone.

    @Neilk Thanks for sharing your story man. It always helps to hear a similar story and situation. Shocking how many people are in the same boat. Sounds like you are doing great at 50+ days, great work man! Keep it up and thanks again for dropping me a line.
     
    Neilk likes this.
  19. deepbluesea567

    deepbluesea567 New Member

    Welp, time to restart my counter. I gave in yesterday. I was hoping to at least keep the edging down to minimum or not use P at all....but none of the above happened. Fell back into during that session. I'm feeling ok with it though. Although i'm disappointed that I caved, I feel I'm in a better spot to learn from it and get better next time. Most important for me now is to not binge. I'll be happy if I can start a new streak starting as of last night without binging. As long as I continue to learn and get better after each setback, that is what matters. Onward and upward.
     
  20. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Throw your fucking computer out the window.

    Why do you DO IT if you know its wrong?

    I hate to illustrate the obvious conclusion.

    Fucking leaves dropping in a stiff breeze...all you guys relapsing.

    This is like a workout.

    You want to train with someone stronger than you.

    Where are these people??
     

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