My divorce is final

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by joelski, Oct 30, 2013.

  1. joelski

    joelski New Member

    Today I'm officially divorced as of this morning.

    My marriage was an unhappy one and we both had our faults but a lot of our problems were because of my PMi addiction.

    The beginning of the end was when she found me in the bathroom looking at shemale P. Since then she lost all respect for me and subsequently never trusted me again as I really didn't seek help for my problem. It wasn't until she left me and filed for divorce that I actually started getting serious about changing.

    I feel awful about how I hurt her. I never want to do that to another person, ever. I want to have a healthy relationship with a woman, free of secrets about my addiction.

    This is a bittersweet moment for me, because now I can start over but I have the residual guilt and self loathing that will probably follow me for the rest of my life. I just don't know how I can't get over that.
  2. joelski

    joelski New Member

    Any other guys in here go through a divorce because of their addiction problems?
  3. Dan82

    Dan82 New Member

    Sorry to hear that joelski. I know from experience how hard it is when you hurt someone... I try no to think about such stuff anymore. We don't have unlimited time, so it is simply stupid to wasted it with sadness, anger...
  4. carpe_moment

    carpe_moment Guest

    Between my booze addiction and porn addiction I blew a 20 year marriage. Luckily I got my head clear enough to get rid of the booze (sober for almost 2 years) and finally clear headed enough to realize about the porn. Not 100 percent successful with the porn thing as of yet but at least recognize I have a problem and am doing my best to deal with it. I am friends with my ex nowadays and even don't hate her new husband. Trying to do the best with what i have left like being a good father, etc. It gets better my friend!

  5. TheFuture

    TheFuture Allow me to reintroduce myself

    I'm sorry to hear of your divorce. I'm trying to save my marriage, which has suffered greatly due to my PMO habits. I feel like anyday my wife could leave at the moment. We have been having sex less than 5 times a year for the past 5 years. Mean while I was PMOing 3-4 times a week for an hour+ each time. Should have been the other way round. I've finally begun to kick the porn habit, I wish I'd have done something about it before.
  6. RockinRon

    RockinRon New Member

    Raising Hand!

    There is Life after Divorce my Friend. Is just different, and costly!

    In my case, my marriage was also an unhappy one, and was almost a relief when she found some of my P stash in my travel bag, when packing for an Anniv weekend. Was the final straw.

    Did Group Therapy for a while, and came partially clean about PMO issues.
    Did not disclose to the group that it was gay porn that was the root of the problem. Was warned by LCSW, that Internet Porn was the worst thing to get out of.
    At that time, Internet was not my primary source.
    Wish I would have taken his advice.
    Things might have been different 13 years down the road.

    Since 2000, have been able to do my own thing, and have done fairly well.
    Have gotten involved by traveling for Live Blues Music all around the West, and met a whole new group of friends.
    The friend issue is tough, because very few can still be friends with you both.

    Hopefully no kids were involved.
    My Step Daughter was out of control B4, during and after the Separation and Divorce.

    I was fortunate to meet the lady of my dreams at a Blues Concert 5 years latter, and convinced me to move 300 miles from the mess that was my former home, ex-wife and whacked out daughter.

    Enjoy the luxury of making your own schedule, own food, own music, and use the time to help others, read Inspirational books.
    Take time with some of your buddies, and talk about ways to fill your time with activities.

    A book I highly recommend is Between Love and Hate, The Civilized Approach to Divorce,
    I have bought several and given them to guys considering and going thru it.
    Is great information, even if you are official, because the paper means nothing.
    My GF and I had a party and burned the papers, 7 years latter, when I had finished Spousal Support.
    $65K investment over the 7 years, but totally worth it.

    Let me know if I can be of help in getting thru this change.

    Surround Yourself with Positiveness, and you know when you have your shit together enough to date again.
    Don't be too anxious to get out there in the dating world again.
    Take care of YOU, as YOU are the most important person right now.

    Best of Luck in your Journey.

  7. joelski

    joelski New Member

    The divorce was rather quick and painless compared to most from what others have told me. She filed two months ago and the minimum period for a divorce to be finalized in Texas is 60 days. So it was very quick.

    We put our house on the market and sold it in a single day. Actually on the first showing, for our asking price with no major snags to speak of. We close on the house tomorrow and are set to make a decent profit considering we only bought the house in November of 2009. With the proceeds we will pay off the legal fees for the divorce (I was nice and didn't make her pay them all on her own even though she filed) pay off our debt and each have a nice chunk of money after everything else is settled. I'm not going to pay any spousal support and we had no kids so that makes it less complicated and costly.

    On Friday after work (which will be my last day since I quit) I will drive my 2004 Toyota Corolla and all my belongings that will fit in it and drive up to Boston to live with my parents until I settle into my new life. I'm very excited about it.

    The timing actually works out well since my mom is not doing well. She is in remission for breast cancer and just had major surgery on her shoulder so this is an opportunity for me to take care of her.

    I literally just turned 32, and I am treating this as a second chance at life. Whatever happened before is in the past. Now I'm leading a new life with new opportunities for me to seize and I can't be more excited.

    My now ex wife still has not forgiven me for what I did. She probably never will, but I can't make her forgive me. I just hope that I can learn to forgive myself and love myself enough to end this cycle of self loathing and be a man of honor and integrity. I want to be honest about my struggles. I want to be confident. And more than anything I just want to be happy. I had none of these things before and now I feel like I can have true happiness though it still will take work especially when it comes to my addiction.

    Thanks everyone for your feedback, it helps to know I'm not alone.
  8. RockinRon

    RockinRon New Member

    Be Thankful to get out of an unhappy Marriage, at 32.
    I stuck with unhappy one for 17 years, and was 40 at the time.

    Jump into Life with Both Feet my Friend!

    No need to call if you are going to be late, or want to grab some brewskies with the guys. You Are The Man!

    When you get relocated, search out a new Hobby to use the creative side of your brain.

    I have been Volunteering at our local Performing Arts Outdoor Pavillian, which is 5 blocks from where I live.
    Have met a whole new group of people, that don't give a shit about my past, and probably are going thru struggles of their own.
    It is uphill to walk there, and generally get nearly a mile of walking up the Amphitheater and back.
    Has been good for conditioning. Double Bonus, as I enjoy people and music, and get a short workout, several times over the Summer Season.
    Music is so good for the Soul.
    You can seek out music that you enjoy now, and don't have to get an approval!
    Going single to music events has become a regular thing for me. That way, I can talk to and flirt with anyone I care to, and won't get my azz reamed for gazing too long at the ladies.
    I don't have to go thru the rage that came on, when my eyes may have rolled back in my head in disbelief at a comment made by the Ex.
    I'll bet there are some good Ball games in Boston. Buying a single ticket is less than buying two!

    I think congratulations are in order, for getting out when you did.

    I'm pretty sure your Ex had her own issues that you had to deal with over the years.

    No more struggling to embrace the In-Laws at the Holidays!

    I still stay close to my Ex's favorite Uncles family in Dallas.
    I stay there if I am in town, and they loan me the car if needed.
    He told me one time, that he can't blame me for getting divorced from her, and they like me better than her now!

    An unhappy marriage will drive you to Drink & PMO.

  9. joelski

    joelski New Member

    I try not to bad talk her, but yes she was miserable. Very controlling, borderline abusive, and took no responsibility for any problems in the relationship. She literally blamed me and only me for our marriage falling apart even though she didn't let me do a single thing on my own without giving me grief. She monitored every purchase I made and would nitpick me if I ever ate out meanwhile she spent money on herself buying all sorts of crap that I could never do myself.

    That and she swore and name called me constantly. And even hit me and would throw shit at me. One time she threw her cell phone at my head and it hurt bad. She did that crap constantly.

    So I'm not really sad. Actually I'm relieved. I feel guilty about what I did but I am so grateful it's done. I shouldn't have ever married her in the first place, none of my family or friends liked her- they all thought she treated me like crap but she pressured me so bad to marry her and I was young and stupid and horny and she had big boobs.

    I thought I would be depressed today about being divorced but I'm not. I actually feel an amazing sense of relief and some sadness, but the relief far outweighs any sadness I have. This is what's right for me, and her. No doubt in my mind about that.
  10. RockinRon

    RockinRon New Member

    I can relate to much of what you have gone thru.

    Keep plugged in here, and hopefully the group can assist with ideas.

    You need Positiveness in your Life.

    P is not what we need!!

  11. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Guilt and shame are nothing but your own perception of yourself. There is no physical cause for those feelings. Therefore, they do not exist.

    From here you can either accept you screwed up, learn from your mistake and move on, or you can let shame and guilt take root inside of you and drag you back to the source of your misery.

    People often ask how can they forgive themselves, but there's no answer for that. You just do it. It might take time, but to let go of such feelings depends only on you and no one else.
  12. wilder

    wilder Member

    Man, I'm sorry to hear about everything that happened to you. Honestly, that just blows.

    But you know what? You are doing the right thing. You realized that you want to make a change, and although you may not be married anymore, you have a whole damn life and future ahead. And you now have the opportunity to make the future a much healthier one by kicking this addiction.

    You sir, have my best wishes. Seriously, go kick some ass man. You got this!
  13. Not your shining moment, but a spouse who loses all respect and never trusts again because of a porn clip isn't exactly an understanding partner. Would you have lost all respect and trust in your wife had she been watching lesbian strapon porn? There's your answer.

    P isn't our reality, nor our identity. It's out on the internet and we can get suckered into any of the P categories. That's all there is to it, to attribute anything more to it is our and our spouses' mistake.

    That said, we all know the immense damages of P and I'm glad we are determined to free ourselves from its clutches.

    Post-divorce would probably be a very tough time. Please don't revert to P during this time as it would hinder healing. We all know how big a trigger stress can be. Wish you strength and luck in this tough phase of your life. The good news is it will pass.
  14. RockinRon

    RockinRon New Member


    Some tough stuff indeed, but I wanted to share a Light at the end of the Tunnel that is Divorce.

    After my divorce, after 4 years of healing, I found the Lady of my Dreams at a Blues Concert.
    We would not have met, if I had not been at that show, meeting up with a buddy.
    My Opening Line, was "I hope I don't spill beers down this lovely ladies back" as I was sliding down the row of seats on the way back from the bar with beers for me and my buddy.
    It worked! She turned around and we started talking, and handed me her card, B4 going to the Front Rail.
    We met up a few weeks after that for my birthday weekend at her place, 300 miles away, and I got the Lovin that I deserved for so long, and she needed what I brought to the party for sure, being single for 10+ years.
    I never knew it could be so good, because I was faithful to my wife during our marriage.

    Let me tell you, she was and is SO Much Hotter and Hornier than my Ex, I was struggling to keep up with her at times in bed.
    We spent entire weekends in bed.
    Having a GF that is your Soul Mate is so much better than another wife, in my mind anyway.
    Your case might be different at 32.

    Just make sure you get this part of your life back, and under control.

    So YES, YES, Yes, there is Life after Divorce, and getting your shit together Mentally & Physically.

    Hang Tough, thru all this crap you are going thru my friend!

  15. totallyyours

    totallyyours Loyalty, honor, and a willing heart

    Give yourself some time to heal and then consider writing her a letter apologizing. You don't have to send it right away but it's good to get your thoughts on paper. If it's good, and not harmful to her, send it and get it out.

    Be the best you can for her, others in your life, and yourself. Everyone hurts someone but we can try to make it better if they let us. Wish you well on your next step.
  16. joelski

    joelski New Member

    I wrote her several heart felt apologies. I told her countless times how sorry I was.

    None of it was enough. She always came back with reasons why I wasn't really sorry enough or wasn't doing enough.

    I can't make her forgive me and in done trying. She will either forgive me or she won't. I still feel bad but I'm not really sure there is anything I could have done to make her forgive me. She was never a forgiving person even over little stuff- it's just how she's wired.
  17. daone

    daone Where I'm gonna be ought to be uncharted

    No disrespect to the guy with the abusive wife, but how the hell did you let her get away with that shit? If any of my ex-girlfriends threw a phone at my head, I would throw my old Nokia brick at their from inches away.

    Marriage is not all its cracked up to be, I have been single for a while now with no interest in a relationship and certainly not marriage lol. Reading this thread just makes me more hesitant about investing my time until i find the right girl.
  18. joelski

    joelski New Member

    Stockholm Syndrome. Every time she did something like that I thought I did something to deserve it and that she was right to treat me that way. I've always had major self esteem problems and she made them infinitely worse.

    When she kicked me out if the house when she found out I was talking to other girls online I felt like a prisoner being set free. I had nowhere to go, and for many nights I had to sleep in my car in the middle of the hot Texas summer. Yet that was far better than being with her.

    Today I am one step closer to being 1,800 miles away from her and I cannot be happier.
  19. RockinRon

    RockinRon New Member


    That's a bitch to deal with. If you have tried to apologize, I would leave it at that.

    Yes, Getting outta the house was a relief for me as well.

    I lived in a travel trailer for a year 45 minutes from town that my sister had at an RV Resort when I got kicked out.
    Was just me and the deer up there. No phone, no internet.
    I needed the time away from her and the situation.

    I had an overbearing wife as well, and my self esteem was in short supply.
    Makes you do crazy things.
    Had a couple of people ask if I drank too much, as why we split.
    I told them, I did not drink enough to put up with her shit anymore!

    Moving away was a Huge relief for me. Hope it works out well for you too!

    Go out there and enjoy life my friend, and get this work behind you!

    Don't let it kick you when you are down, by letting your guard down now!

    My bet, is you get moved, and in new surroundings, you will be in a much better place to work this program, and in time, get out there and meet people.
    Have heard the East Coast Winters can be kinda harsh, compared to Texas!
    Prob was not much need for snow blowers in Texas!

  20. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    congrats on your new life to come!

    I've never been married but I've ruined every intimate relationship I've ever hard because of PMO

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