I'm 62, have been married (and divorced) twice and have been by myself for about a decade. I am a complete failure, sexually speaking. I've never penetrated a woman; have had maybe five pleasurable sexual experiences in my whole life. The women I've been with were never number one, or even close to it. My sexuality has always been tied up in porn. It started before puberty when I discovered my father's playboy magazines. It was such a powerful escape mechanism, right from the start. Our home was tense, to say the least, and this was a way out... all my fear, and rage, and shame was gone when I had those pictures to look at and think about. I was pretty fucked up as a teen. One lovely two month relationship with the girl next door. I was 16. But i had no way to sustain it... couldn't be available (I see now - I didn't really know what was wrong then). I did not really want to have sex with her. I knew i was supposed to want to. She did turn me on. But when I was with her, I just froze up sexually and emotionally. The thing that happened with the pictures didn't happen with her. And I don't think I wanted it to. When she left i went completely around the bend for about four years... ended up suicidal and unable to get out of bed. My father finally sent me to a psychiatrist... his mistress. Fucked up, I know. But she probably saved my life. I was able to get in touch with enough of my anger to get out of bed and start building a life. When it came time to start dealing with her role in my family, I fled. Went on a ten year bender. Yadda yadda yadda Finally sobered up in AA. (I was 30 then.) Started building a more balanced life, but have been unable to form a true partnership with a woman. Porn is in the way. Was involved with SLAA for the final three years of my second marriage. But I never stayed away from porn for more than two weeks. I quit smoking twelve years ago (quit nicorettes last spring - nicotine has been part of my life since i was a fetus). I am active physically (swimming, tennis, coaching ringette (an ice sport like hockey), yoga. All my chaos has had an upside. Gradually, I have learned how to recognize and deal with my negative feelings. I have the tools and use them consciously. I don't isolate - I reach out, often in service, to be with others. And I work at being available emotionally. Something has changed. There isn't room in my life - in me - for porn anymore. It got me this far, but it's in the way now. The prospect of facing the world without my emotional ace in the hole, the pictures and the fantasies, is actually exciting. I've been poking around this board for a while, mostly on the 40+, and am heartened and encouraged by what I am seeing. There is help for me here, and I hope to have something to offer. I went ten days and then acted out with porn. It didn't blow me up, but it didn't do anything for me, either. I am so tired of this "poor helpless me" bullshit I run around my sexuality. I take care of my health. I take care of my finances. I take care of my relationships with others. I can so take care of my own sexuality. I own this. I can surrender my sexuality to porn, or I can own it and take care of it. My choice. What I need to do is pretty clear. I need to reboot, to refrain from PMO and fantasy for a good long while AND DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES, accept them even. In quitting pot and booze and cigarettes and nicotine and binge eating I have learned all the tools i need to deal with this porn addiction, with your help. I am committing to a 90-day PMO cleanse. I am committing to writing here three times a week during that span. I am committing to signing up for the NOFAP program if I fail to meet the first two commitments. (I am cheapskate, and having to listen to those young guys lecture me about sex pisses me off, so that last one is a big hairy deal to me. ;-) PS - That psychiatrist? She told me 30 years ago I needed to not act out sexually (porn and fantasy) for a couple of months to get in touch with myself.