My boyfriend and (propably) his addiction, really need advices :(

Discussion in 'Women' started by Xanesa21, Nov 22, 2015.

  1. Xanesa21

    Xanesa21 New Member

    Hello everyone!

    First of all i must warn you that my english isn't best.

    I just found this site and maybe you can give me some opinions.
    I hope this post won't trigger anyone.

    So i'm with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. We are both 21 years old. Our sex-life was really great about first year of relationship. After this year he lose his interest in sex, well not at all he still initiate it like once a week. But anyway i know that he prefer to watch porn then play with me, sometimes he prefer to wait till ill go somewhere (to shop/to my parents) so he can masturbate. Anyway i check what is he watching online ( i know i shouldn't but i was really confused :( ) and when i saw his history.. i just i don't know. I lose my mind. There wasn't that what everyone expect like.. pics of naked girls or stuff. There was a lot of cuckold/femdom porn, pegging, forced bi, small penis humiliation and stuff... but that isn't the worst, i also found some gay porn in there... not much, but there was also bisexual threesomes MMF and just pure gay porn mostly when man dominate the other man with captions that everything he deserve is to suck dicks and stuff.. I'm sorry for the details :(

    I just start think that he may be gay or something but he just don't want to admit it.. like he is gay in denial or something.. I know he determine himself as straight and when i ask him about this gay porn he said that he just wanted to check if this will arouse him or no :( And that he is "normal" and he is not gay.. I dont know if i should believe him or no :(
    He definitly have porn addiction cause he is watching it EVERYTIME when he can, even if ill go to take a shower what takes me 10 mins he will go to watch some. Guys i'm so afraid and so confused..

    I wanted to ask.. (there may be a trigger) what is the difference between someone who is surffering with porn addiction and he is watching gay porn and someone who is realizing/exploring his true orientation? I found some post on emptyclosets that some of these guys was sure that they are straight but then they realize that they're gays and they start watching gay porn...

    I wanted to spend rest of my life with this guy and now all i have in my head is that he may be gay in denial and he will come someday and tell me that he prefer boys.. what if we will have childrens..

    Please help and any advice will be appreciated :(
  2. Loleekins

    Loleekins Nemo repente fuit turpissimus

    Hi Xanesa,

    I'm not going to address the question of homosexual or not homosexual (we've all got our own opinions on this and don't have enough information to tell you he is or isn't). I'm instead going to give advice strictly to you for you having nothing to do with him. Leave.

    Until he gets his head together and his life together, it really doesn't matter what he is. He has problems that only he can deal with and solve. Maybe he will or maybe he won't solve his issues. The point is, you have a life, it's yours. Live it healthy and happy.
  3. Macktruck619

    Macktruck619 New Member

    I would talk to him about your concerns. He is still initiating sex once a week. Are you concerns that he masturbates to such types of porn or that he would prefer the porn over you? Do you want to have sex more often with him? You didn't mention him having any problems in bed so is it just a frequency issue?

    That said if he does have some kind of problem with porn (his tastes are extreme) then you should talk to him about him, and work on some sort of resolution. If he doesn't commit to one with you or doesn't see it as a problem then you will unfortunately have to walk away. If it is the case you do need to move on, consider that you are a young woman and shouldn't hold yourself back from having a fulfilling relationship to take care of someone problems especially if they refuse to take part in their own rescue.
  4. Stefke

    Stefke New Member

    What if it's just a fantasy, or he enjoys to "look" at men having sex, or maybe he's not straight and not gay but bi-sexual.

    Why is it ok for a woman to be bi-sexual, and to walk hand in hand in the streets, or to kiss, or to dance, but when a man is watching gay porn, the world stops turning?

    Ask him if he would kiss a man, i bet he wouldn't. I'm sure it's just a sexual thing, not love for men.
  5. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    As they say, are you looking for a partner, or are you looking for a project?

    I think women frequently make the mistake of thinking they will change their guy - but only he can do that, and it takes time.

    His issue, underlying the porn, is of self-esteem. If you stay with him, and he can't change, you will have a lot of carrying to do. But if he can quit porn, and all the strange places it's taken his mind, then you will begin to see his true potential.
  6. Xanesa21

    Xanesa21 New Member

    Thanks guys for your replies and sorry that i cannot answer earlier.

    "I would talk to him about your concerns. He is still initiating sex once a week. Are you concerns that he masturbates to such types of porn or that he would prefer the porn over you? Do you want to have sex more often with him? You didn't mention him having any problems in bed so is it just a frequency issue?"

    Well for me the problem is that he prefer porn over me. His libido is definitly not a problem cause sometimes he masturbate 2-3 times per day. He also have strong erections so that's not a problem too. Sometimes he have problems with orgasm. But honestly my problem is only that, porn is at 1st place and i'm as you can guess the second one. This mean when he cannot watch porn and masturbate to it for longer time, then there i am and he will finally have sex with me. In my opinion it should be on the contrary.. If not that, i wouldn't even check what he is watching or i anything. I wouldn't care. I was talking to him but he don't see it as a problem. He said that masturbation it's faster and easier but he still wont admit to me that he is watching also these gay themes or even femdom. He is too ashamed of it. That would be a looot easier if we could have a serious talk and he would explain me this all. I'm really open-minded and i don't blame him for what he is watching. I said that i know that he watch porn based on domination and sometimes gay too i said that i don't have problem with it at all and i just want him to explain me why he is watching it and what do he like about it. Once when he was drunked he said that he may have a problem cause he is masturbating 2-3 times before i wake up. He was really ashamed to say that but also he end this theme quickly.

    The problem is that it ruins my self-estem. For real. I know that i'm good looking and i notice that when i'm outside guys are looking at me. I never had problems like this. But when the person you love the most don't give a fuc* about you this is really horrible, and sometimes in my head pop up questions that maybe there is something wrong with me. Girls in my age are going for great looking lingerie for their partners and have fun. I was doing this too, but iv'e lost desire to do that cause he don't even look at me. Once i bought really good looking one, that was for valentines i believe, i came to him and guess what, he said he is "too tired" and he went sleep. I really like sex, not only cause of sex but i love it for our intimacy and that we are close to each other, mentally and physically.

    I know that you said that i should just walk away and take care of myself. But the problem is i'm addicted to him. This means i really can't imagine my life without him. Sometimes i was on the end and i was like "fuc* this i'm going to break up i'm done" but i couldn't. I don't even know how i'm supposed to do that. If he would give it a try to leave this porn, i would support him in every way.

    Thanks for reading this, i appreciate all of your replies.
  7. pimpin

    pimpin New Member

    hi Xanesa, i wanted to give you a little bit of input on your situation. Unfortunately i have a similar story from the other perspective and wanted to share my insights with you in hopes that you can still salvage your situation. Let me start off by saying it breaks my heart to hear what you're going through, the boyfriend too. Porn can weaken the strongest of relationships and most probably wont survive. Do NOT give up on him. Communication and patience are the key to solving this.

    Let me give you some background on myself. I was (am still in the process of recovering) a HEAVY porn user. I saw my first porn vid at a friends house in the third grade. I am 21 now and am still fighting hard to reclaim my sanity. I have a wonderful girlfriend who ive known since she was 11. God knows i dont deserve her after how many times i couldnt get it up for her. Long term porn use is like being addicted to opium. Using it no longer gives us the joy it once did but we still come back to it for fear of withdrawing from it. Porn for most of us is holding us hostage. We fucking hate ourself for what we have become but lack the strength to stand up. Please dont give up on him. You might be his only hope for digging himself out of the hole hes in. He will need you Desperately. (everyone has their limits i dont pass judgment if you have had enough though)

    Let me clear something up. Your boyfriend MIGHT be gay. however i highly doubt it. Its something im highly ashamed of but let me admit something to you(everyone). I am 1000% straight. i love everything about women, thier sleek shapes, the way they smell, everything. I admit i have watched a lot of gay porn. Remember i and many others have watched porn for so long we start deviating from normal shit. We start escalating and spreading to every realm of porn no matter what orientation or how nasty it is to attempt to replicate the feeling of originality we once got from "normal" porn. Like i said i doubt hes gay, but watching gay porn means his addiction is in an advanced stage. I think you might have stepped on the last ounce of pride he had left by confronting him about the gay porn. No straight man wants to admit he watched gay porn.

    To conclude, both of you have been victims of porn use. There is a cure, it is reversable, But its going to take patience, honesty, love, understanding, and above all communication. Form goals and a plan together. Dont get so hung up on the gay shit, hes addicted to anything porn related. that is the real issue here. I hope both of you the best, im sure you are both wonderful people you can overcome this!

    ~ a recovering porn addict
  8. Xanesa21

    Xanesa21 New Member

    Hello pimpin!

    You don't know how much i appreciate your response. That gives me a hope. I don't want to give up our relationship, i want it to get better. It's great to know that i'm not alone with that kind of problem. Especially cause sometimes my mind is like "he has been watching gay porn, for god sake he can't be straight right?" but really, if that could be that simple. If i would found out that he is watching only gay porn, he is hooking up with guys or stuff, but no. I still didn't notice any arousal toward mens from him in real life, he is never looking for just pictures of naked guys. Also when he have problem with orgasm he is like "lets 69 please" and guess what, eating me out is really helpfull most of times to get him hard again. What kind of gay guy would like this so much?

    Sometimes i'm so confused that i don't even know.

    What do you suggest me to do? Should i show him this page maybe? His english is kinda low but i can help with that. As i said i'm going to support him but the problem is, what if he will refuse to change anything? I was talking to him a few times and for now .. nothing happened. He is still watching porn for hours when i'm not in home. I don't want to say "porn or me" cause i'm not even sure if i'm able to leave him and i don't want to be like that.

    Also pimpin, do you talk to your girl about this all? Do she knows what kind of porn do you watch or no?

    Once more thanks for your words and support, i'm going to log in there and inform about the progress :)
  9. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    Xanasa, I think it is amazing that you still want to be with this guy. So amazing that it has me confused a little. It seems you would put up with anything. What would have to happen in order for you to break up with him? I am not trying to be offensive, just very very curious.
  10. Xanesa21

    Xanesa21 New Member

    Ehm, really this is kind of weird question. But ill reply to it anyway. There are some things that i wouldn't accept definitly. If he would cheat on me, or if he would be agressive to me, or if i wouldn't know that he love me and anyhow care about me. Well, there are other things but i won't put whole list in there.

    But you know what guys? What is really weird for me? I was almost sure that most of you would suggest me to stay with him and help him cause you have simillar if not the same problem as he have. When instead of that most of you suggest me to leave.

    Also i would like to reply on that.

    "What if it's just a fantasy, or he enjoys to "look" at men having sex, or maybe he's not straight and not gay but bi-sexual.
    Why is it ok for a woman to be bi-sexual, and to walk hand in hand in the streets, or to kiss, or to dance, but when a man is watching gay porn, the world stops turning?"

    I must say, if you don't know that yet, that there is a huge difference between man and woman. You can't put that two together in one drawer. Not only difference between our body what is obvious i believe, but also difference between our minds and that how do they works.
    I can go and kiss my female friend in lips, and that would be non-sexual just friendly thing. I wouldn't question my orientation after. Now tell me if there is any straight guy who would kiss his friend, that would be gross for him propably. So yeah, there is big difference. I don't say that he can't, what i'm saying is that woman and man are two different things.

    And the world do not stops turning, if he would tell me that he is bi-sexual and he like girls and boys - okay. But when he tells me that he is straight and in same time he is watching gay porn i'm confused a little. It's not so popular among straigh guys to watch gay porn, when they are not addicted to it.
  11. Loleekins

    Loleekins Nemo repente fuit turpissimus

    A very good question. Hope2overcome understands the ins and outs of the pmo addiction quite well. His question is one of self respect, self value and healthy limits.

    We all understand that addiction is a process that requires compassion and support. However, the understanding and support cannot come at the cost of another person sacrificing their own wellbeing. Instead of one unhealthy addicted individual you end up with two unhealthy people in the long run. The second party attempting to support the addict can end up feeling victimized by both the addiction and the addicted person they are attempting to assist.

    Codependency can result from the best of intentions.
  12. pimpin

    pimpin New Member

    In no way am i promoting staying in an unhealthy relationship OR allowing yourself to be victimized by anothers addiction. I simply just picked up on the fact that Xanesa sounds like a wonderful woman and human being and is willing to try to work things out with the person she loves. It was my estimation that she came here to try finding out if there is a solution to this issue under the ideal conditions, which there is. But at the end of the day it will all come down to her boyfriends sheer WILL and STRENGTH to determine that 1. He has a problem and 2. He is willing to kill his addiction at any cost. A crack addict that has no intentions of stopping will never stop smoking crack no matter how much his loved ones try helping him. This is where it gets tricky and personal judgement on Xanesas' part is required. If she thinks she has the strength to stick by him and throw her man out of his situation then i Salute you. Again i repeat, You are not his mother and a man is accountable for his own actions. You should never feel obligated to help or suffer at anyones hands.

    To answer your question, i have talked to my girlfriend many times. Shes an Angel like you and has stuck by me through everything. She might have never thought i could stop watching porn, but i did. And now we are on the path to recovery and i see being happy with her for a long time. Soon this will all be a bad dream. She was only aware of the problem, not the details of what i was getting into. And thank god because i dont think my pride could take another hit. It was not easy for her and she was not without fault of her own but we got through it. We do crazy shit for the people we love, which is why i never dismiss it.
  13. RoadToEnlightenment

    RoadToEnlightenment New Member

    Wow, i thought someone would already have brought this up, but there's a good chance that your boyfriend is not gay... see some reports of straight ex-porn addicts on There's often people reporting that, back in their porn days, they ''escaleted'' to gay porn due to lack of new stimuli, making them question their sexuality. But when they got rid of porn, the fetish was gone.

    There's some kind of porn addicts (the ones that spend endless hours watching it) that are constantly in need of new fetishes to keep their brain stimulated...
  14. lyfsux42

    lyfsux42 Guest

    If a person slips up and watches gay porn once or maybe twice, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt in this fukedup world we live in. But if a person is watching gay or even bisexual porn on a regular basis and actually masturbating to it, then by golly he's gay, and I don't know why some of the posters on this forum are even suggesting otherwise. There's a difference between being optimistic or understanding and being unrealistic.

    I'd hate to break your heart, but if you were like my sister I would definitely advise, even demand, that you breakup with this dude, though that's my emotions speaking more than my logical, understanding mind. If nothing else don't make the mistake of getting more emotionally invested, as in engaged or married, unless he changes. If however you want to tough it out with him that's also a good suggestion, as your vagina is probably the only thing keeping him from converting into a full-blown homo. At this age especially it's going to be really difficult for him to change unless he makes a conscientious effort to do so.

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