My Accountability Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Listener, Aug 22, 2021.

  1. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Well done on deleting the chat. That really shows some determination!
     
  2. Krebs

    Krebs Active Member

    Yeah, it was the right decision
     
  3. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 42

    Thank you for the encouragement guys! I hope your journeys are fruitful and helpful. I think the start to my current journal was so traumatic (breaking up with my girlfriend in part because of messed up masturbation) that it has paradoxically helped a bit with avoiding urges. I wish I didn't need it in the first place, but alas. Today I had an ok day. Another day at a conference with some work around it. I also had sex today and it was very enjoyable. I lasted longer than last time and managed to get out of my head more. I've been forcing myself to say more nice things to myself to help with insecurities as well. Many times a day I am still filled with fear and regret related to what I did, but I am learning to just observe those emotions without fuelling them and letting them destroy me. Everything will be ok, even if it takes time.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  4. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 43

    I gave a conference talk today which went well and I saw a friend for a beer. Noting negative emotions rather than dwelling on them has been helpful. I had a dream that I relapsed and watched porn. It's the real world that matters though, and I'm taking it one day at a time.
     
  5. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 44

    Today I had some good work meetings including a lab group social. I woke up a bit late and was not the most productive, but it was a nice day. I am working on building more self confidence and I am proud of myself for that.
     
  6. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 45

    Halfway to 90! Today I had tutoring again and I generally felt quite tired from being an adult. I also had a nice lunch with a friend. I have noticed that I gravitate towards PMO most when feeling low / negative emotions - that is the cycle to break. I'm also still having night dreams about relapsing, can't wait for those to stop.
     
  7. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 46

    Today I had a nice heart to heart conversation with a friend talking about our breakups and mental health problems. But more than that, I realized it's been a long time since I've gone a full day without feeling anxious or numb. Sometimes I already wake up that way, other times it comes throughout the day. I've been struggling to focus on my work and I've been eating less. Whilst removing the numbing PMO coping mechanism is important, I have a lot of broader issues to get through.
     
    Krebs likes this.
  8. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 47

    I went for a run in the morning but wasn't feeling great afterwards. It got better in the afternoon and evening - I forced myself to go to a university event and I had a nice time. Spending time doing things is much better for my mental health than worrying about myself and pitying myself in my room. I need to do more of that.
     
    Krebs likes this.
  9. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 48

    Standard day with work today, had some meetings. Went for another run in the morning which made me feel nice. I felt more excitable today which was nice.
     
  10. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 49

    Today I was feeling a lot of nostalgia for my earlier student years. But as most nostalgia goes, it was harking towards an imagined past, not what actually happened.

    I also had a long and deep conversation with a good friend which helped me identify my psychological shortcomings. I need to trust myself and I need someone who trusts me. I need to process negative emotions in healthy ways and be honest. Having the power to do bad things only makes the good things I do more valuable.

    I felt quite excitable and horny during parts of today as well. Not having social media has helped so much with not letting that move to unhealthy behaviours.
     
  11. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 50

    I woke up rather frustrated and irritable today, but doing some yoga and having a hot shower helped. After work I've been thinking about 'shadow work' that my friend pointed me to. Realising I have the potential for horrible things within me should lead me to responsibility, not self hatred. I also have the power for good deeds, and the choice is mine.
     
  12. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 51

    I felt very excitable today. It waxes and wanes, but I am so much more excitable compared to when I had PMOs all the time. My work day was fairly productive and I cooked a nice curry. One day at a time.
     
  13. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 52

    Yesterday was a nice relaxing day. I went for coffee with a friend, then some drinks and clubbing. Alcohol used to be a common PMO trigger for me, so it's important to build self-trust in that direction for me. I had a nice time and it does not need to lead to PMO.
     
  14. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 53

    Fairly chill day today, went for a nice walk and saw a friend. I was slightly hungover in the morning which used to be a trigger - not today though. I also had sex, though it did not last very long. In many ways I feel like a teenager again and I'm still learning to contain all I feel now that I'm not numbing myself with PMO.
     
  15. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 54

    First day back at work in person today, went reasonably well. I went to a society event with lots of people and got a bit overwhelmed there, but otherwise standard day. Felt a bit tired throughout.
     
  16. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 55

    I was again a bit more tired today and felt like being an adult is balancing 20 different things. It feels like I always have something to do, which is nice in a way. I also had good sex today, small issues with lasting longer but much better than before. Breathing and being mindful during helps.
     
  17. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 56

    Another day in the office today, fairly productive. Had a nice tea and beer with friends. Woke up a bit tired, but mostly ok. A little irritable.
     
  18. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 57

    Another day at work, many a meeting today. Quite tiring as I only got home after 9pm from my second job. I don't find it easy to socialise in the office and my analyses were a bit frustrating today, but overall a productive day. Keeping busy and separating work & leisure has helped my mental state, as has time. I have not hyperventilated or felt completely numb as often.
     
  19. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 58

    Another standard day. Went to the gym in the morning, worked, had a few beers at the pub with friends in the evening. Felt fairly stable emotionally. Also had sex, lasted a bit longer than last time but still getting used to all the sensations.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  20. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 59

    Quite a nice day, went to a nearby city to see an art exhibition with a friend which was lovely .Hosting a party this evening though I have a slight headache. Avoiding too much alcohol to stay responsible.
     

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