Day 23 Today was mostly ok, spend time working and did some yoga. I still have feelings of guilt at my periphery at most times though which is soul draining. There is but one thing I can do - be better.
Day 24 Most of today was nice. Now that I'm not spending hours a day on porn I have so much time! I did some gardening, went for a run, went blackberry picking, and made some cakes. I also wrote an apology letter to my ex girlfriend. I still feel unsettled, but today I had glimpses of what my days could be like.
Day 25 Today I was helping out with an open day and called a friend in the evening. I am alone as my housemate went to visit friends, but I am determined to spend this time wisely. I made some jam and cheese for the first time. Every day counts.
Day 26 Went to the gym this morning, spent the day working, and made some Bolognese in the evening. I also had therapy for the first time in my life. My use of porn/masturbation as a way to unhealthily process my emotions had a large part in the session. It wasn't fun, but it was necessary and it was oddly nice to be able to talk openly about all this. I want to change.
Day 27 Did some yoga, worked, saw a friend for a beer. My housemate came back today. I still do not trust myself, I felt guilty this morning just for checking that my Facebook account is indeed scheduled for deletion (they make you wait for a month before deleting it...). It was, and will be gone in 6 days. Yay.
Day 28 I was referred for an autism assessment today which occupied my mind a fair bit. Struggling to process emotions and using masturbation as a coping mechanisms is something I am starting to recognise in my past. A strange day, but onwards and upwards.
Day 29 I had to deal with an annoying utility company today and felt anxious and stressed having my housemate's friend in the house today because of their loudness at a late hour. I need to find better ways of coping with noise and not perfectly following my evening routine. Urges have been quite low, having my door wide open at all times helps.
Day 30 It's Friday night and I'm alone at home. I feel like I should be out there socialising as I am in my 20s. However, at the same time I find most social contact draining. I resent others for having a good time even when I don't want to be with them. My emotions are quite irrational and I need to learn that others' fun does not decrease mine. I am no less valuable for spending my Friday night baking a cake and hoovering the house. I can feel the underlying urge to masturbate in order to numb the negative feelings I'm having. However, not today. I need to learn to process them, not numb them and hurt others.
Day 31 I am quite tired, I had to carry a table a long way today. I still feel the background resentment towards others having fun. I need to learn to do what I enjoy without worrying about others.
I have felt that way about resentment for a long time. Something similar to FOMO, I think. Check this out, it may be the cause
Day 32 Thanks Krebs, it does feel related to FOMO and perhaps also wrong expectations from myself and others. Today was an ok day. I did a few hours of tutoring and I ache a bit from yesterday, but I had a glimpse of how at peace I could one day feel about my actions. Not having shameful and hurtful secrets at one's core must be so freeing. I hope to get there one day.
Day 33 I was sexual with a woman today and touched myself during it. It was refreshing to be excited by a real person like that. I am keeping my counter unchanged as what I see as the issue is toxic masturbation alone including porn and other online material. I want to refocus my sexuality towards real people, not screens. Other than that it was an ok day.
Day 34 Most of today was ok, though I felt a bit unmotivated and now heavy in the evening. I went to the gym in the morning which helped. I'm also doing Wim Hof breathing fairly regularly.
Day 35 I woke up quite tired today and felt a bit uninspired. I saw a friend in the evening which was nice. I forced myself to stand in front of a mirror and say nice things to myself for 3 minutes. I'm hoping that's progress.
Day 36 Today was mostly a decent day. I had a lot of work meetings and went volunteering. I feel much more excitable, but at the same time I still do not trust myself or my own memory. I have a therapy session on Monday which I'm looking forward to. I could do without the constant chest tension but at least now I'm functional.
Day 37 Today I cohosted a housewarming party and separately was again physical with a woman. Social situations can be draining for me and I sometimes misread people, but the party was largely ok. It was also nice to again direct my sexuality towards a real person I care about rather than a screen.
Day 38 I had quite an active day giving a tour to some students and a few videocalls. I'm going have a nice relaxing bath, read, and have an early night. I'm still working on not dwelling on the past and recognising negative emotions in me do not mean others want to hurt me. I hope the therapy session on Monday will be productive. I've also been referred for an autism assessment. I'm holding off on thinking about that too much until I actually have a diagnosis either way.
Day 39 I had a fairly nice day by myself. I made some rice pudding, did some tutoring, and went for a long walk. I need to learn how to enjoy my own company and not try to escape all the time.
Day 40 I had my therapy session today, spoke a lot about my mother and my problems processing emotions. It was useful but emotionally draining. I was also quite overwhelmed in the afternoon because of work. I also had sex today. It was nice, but because it's been a while I did not last long. Alas, progress.
Day 41 A fairly basic day today. One mass group chat on WhatsApp that I'm a part of had some sexual spam sent to it. I promptly left the group and deleted the chat but I could've done without that as I was already stressed from a couple of other things. I did some drumming in the evening which was nice, I like pop punk a lot.
