My Accountability Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Listener, Aug 22, 2021.

  1. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 4

    Background
    I am 22 and I have problems controlling my masturbation and porn use. Over the years I have attempted to quit numerous times with varying degrees of success. This addiction has damaged my relationships, including my current one, and hurt those I love. I have a specific problem with seeing attractive but non-pornographic material on social media. This often starts what can sometimes be hours of wasted time. I have used too many excuses to rationalise my actions, even when they are clearly hurtful. I am rebooting my brain for myself and for my partner whom I deeply love. I have hurt them unfairly and betrayed their trust, and I need to get better. A few days ago I nearly had a panic attack when it dawned on me just how messed up what I've been doing has been. Whenever I go a few weeks without porn-accompanied numbing masturbation I feel more interested in the world and I find it easier to be kind. I'm fairly sure my addiction is related to deeper self-image issues, but this is a very clear, very accountable way to start making myself feel better.

    My triggers: social media, boredom, loneliness, being drunk, feeling anxious.
    Helpful things: deleted / disabled most of social media, avoiding anxiety inducing climate-related content, not getting drunk, being physically active, being away from screens, being with other people. Working to get counselling help.

    Today
    I am currently on holiday from work for a few weeks (I am a graduate student in science). Yesterday I had a party and I decided to drink less than usual, in part because when drunk I often relapse. It went well and I feel nice today. I want to work out a bit this afternoon and speak to a friend which I look forward to. Currently not feeling strong urges, in part because I still feel awful from when I told my partner the truth about my use a few days ago.

    May the journey begin.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  2. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 5

    Today was an ok day. This week I am away from my girlfriend and I miss talking to her a lot. I had good plans today and kept myself busy and away from social media / porn. There were a couple of moments when my initial split second intuition was to go mindlessly browse, especially when just relaxing / on my phone. I need to be mindful of those.
     
  3. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 6

    I signed up for counselling in the morning and I spent most of the afternoon / evening with friends. I had a bit to drink but I am determined to not let that be a trigger. I need to be better, my girlfriend deserves me to be better. This shall be a good day.
     
  4. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 7

    Today was ok. I had some errands to run and I spent time preparing for my journey back. I feel quite heavy, like I am missing my edge. As if I was waiting to melt into the background. Alas, we live to see another day. No more mindless social media.
     
  5. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 8

    I still feel heavy and numb. It's not been a fun week. However, I will not let that stop me. I also had a dream that I relapsed which was scary. Urges are minimal for now, but I installed a blocker on my phone and laptop just in case. One day at a time.
     
  6. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 9

    I had a tough but necessary conversation with my girlfriend and she broke up with me, though with a view to each work on our separate issues not hurting the other in the process. This makes all my behaviour real and I need to own up to my mistakes.
     
  7. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 10

    I have serious distrust towards myself at the moment. The more I tell my ex girlfriend, the more I realise just how much fucked up stuff I did. And every time I think I've told her everything, I'm worried there is more I've forgotten. I booked therapy in about a fortnight. I have a lot to work through.
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2021
  8. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 11

    I still feel similar to yesterday. There always seems to be more and it horrifies me just how much sooner I should have told her. How many days earlier I should have stopped.
     
  9. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 12

    I spent most of today on a long bus journey. I feel afraid to think, getting bombarded by flashbacks of everything I have done. Not being able to change the past is a beyond horrible feeling. I don't want to hurt anyone with this any more, including myself.
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2021
  10. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 13

    It feels like I have a tightness in my chest that won't let go. I have to move forward, but the past keeps catching up with me. I struggle to eat or do much beyond contemplating my mistakes. On the other hand, I am keeping myself busy and avoiding social media. I had a nice walk and went to browse the book store which made me feel better for a bit.
     
  11. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 14

    Today was a roller-coaster of emotions. I spent the morning in the gym quite sad. Then I felt ok and did some work and packed. Now I feel more of the guilt and shame I have been feeling last few days. For the first time, I also felt the thinking pattern that used to lead me to mindless masturbation. It is likely because I spent the day alone and not feeling great. I will however not let this two week streak go to waste. Recovery takes time. I can be better. I can change. I am not intrinsically broken.
     
  12. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Yes, it takes time and yes, you can change. I hope you feel better soon. It's not easy walking this path, far from it. Even if you don't feel it right now, every day without porn is a little victory.
     
  13. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 15

    Thank you for the encouragement Luke! You're right, while I can never undo what I have done, every porn-free day can be used to build more self-respect. Today I was moving house so I spent it quite physically active which was good. I still get the occasional burst of guilt and self-loathing, but focusing on things in the real world helps.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  14. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 16

    Today I was unpacking and tidying up the house which kept me busy. I am forcing myself to write nice things about myself which helps. Still feeling quite guilty and ashamed inside.
     
  15. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 17

    I felt really sad for a portion of the afternoon, but equally ok in the morning. My mood seems to fluctuate a fair bit from negative to ok over the course of the day. In general I feel a lot less numb than before which feels like progress.
     
  16. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 18

    I had a nice day in IKEA today. I feel a bit anxious about going back to work from tomorrow, as it's been a rather stressful holiday. I still feel quite a lot of insecurity I need to work through. One more day down.
     
  17. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 19

    I had an online conference today and went to a film. The sudden bouts of guilt are getting better, though at times I still freeze thinking I have fucked up again even though I have not. A walk outside helped me feel nice. Yesterday and today I have felt heavy and down in the evening. I want to go to the gym tomorrow.
     
  18. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 20

    Today was ok, another day at the conference. I drank at a social in the evening which brought back some of the negative thoughts. But another day down!
     
  19. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 21

    I had a good conversation about my issues with a friend today. I am struggling to process all the emotions that crop up throughout the day. I am avoiding internet triggers and other stuff though.
     
  20. Listener

    Listener Member

    Day 22

    I am still learning to live with what I did. I tried to cheat on my girlfriend. I did horrible, painful acts and I was cowardly and lied. I have to believe I can change, but the past haunts me in every breath. Masturbation wise, avoiding my triggers has helped a lot so far.
     
    -Luke- likes this.

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