My 6 years long struggle [no PMO since August 2012, new GF, good progress]

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by viking80, Aug 26, 2012.

  1. viking80

    viking80 New Member

    Re: My 6 years long struggle [4 weeks no PMO so far]

     
  2. viking80

    viking80 New Member

    Re: My 6 years long struggle [4 weeks no PMO so far]

    Most of them live 1000 km from here. :S The distance to the closest one is 350. :)
    I will find new girls, there are two girls in the town where I live, and one of my colleagues just wants to organize a date for me with one of her friends.
     
  3. Re: My 6 years long struggle [4 weeks no PMO so far]

    Hey man,

    love your posts, approach, honesty and progress.

    I see many similarities and think to myself: 1. Good that I am not lone 2. good others are fighting too and succeeding 3.Kind of sad we got into this situation (no self-pitty ;)

    I will keep coming back to your posts!
     
  4. treeofknowledge

    treeofknowledge New Member

    Re: My 6 years long struggle [4 weeks no PMO so far]

    Stories like this give me a little relief since I have never had to experience the embarrassment factor of E.D. I never considered that the girl might take it personally. Running is definitely a good way to purge your mind. It's good to see that you are seeing improvements.
     
  5. viking80

    viking80 New Member

    Re: My 6 years long struggle [4 weeks no PMO so far]

    Thanks guys, I´m happy that someone reads my journal and it feels good to share my thought with you.

    I think I should look back to the very beginning. Many of you on this forum wrote about your first porn experiences, so let´s see my story from the very beginning. I started this journal explaining how my porn addiction started, but I did not write anything about teenager years.

    It started as normal curiosity, talking to my friends about girls, trying to find out how they look naked, stuff like that. Average teenager. One day a friend of mine came with a softcore magazine. We looked into it and were amazed. That was the first time I have ever seen a naked woman. As I remember I was 12 years old. It was funny, I had no idea why does some of the women have pubic hair and why are others hairless. :)
    We had cable tv at home, but they did not offer any porn channels. Once the cable company sent a newsletter and on the top of the page was a short sentence, with huge bold letters: "We will have a porn channel from next month." I had an old tv in my room, so I got really excited. I remember, I saw my first porn movie when I was 15. Of course I started masturbating at the first moment and I was ready in a minute. It was just amazing seeing two people having sex.
    But somehow I was not hooked on porn. The channel was crap, they had very low quality movies and I rather slept than waiting until midnight for a crappy movie. I masturbated regularly, just as every teenager guys, but I did not watch porn.
    I got broadband internet connection in 2004. My addiction started slowly, I started to use porn for masturbation sometimes. It was under control until 2007, when I moved to Asia for a short period and I collapsed. That´s the date when I started my story in my first post.

    Luckily, I have never got into watching extreme porn. I collected movies only from actresses who looked familiar to a real girl from my life. Ex-girlfriends, or girls I have never got. Other pornstars were not interesting for me, I watched their clips once or twice, but that´s all. But the collection... I watched the same clips again and again and fantasising about the similarly looking real girl while masturbating.
    I had eight favourite clips, one of them with the blonde I mentioned in the first post. In my worst period (2007-2008. roughly one, one and a half year) I watched only those clips and I could recall every single second from them.
    Later (after 2008) I watched less porn, but I started hunting for new clips instead of returning to the same ones every time. My internet was extremely fast and I downloaded a lot of porn. A LOT. But I did not watch it, becasue my net connection was simply too fast. :) I went amok - went to a download page, started 10-15 threads, watched one of them, finished the PMO and turned off my PC. But meanwhile all of the other movies were downloaded as well! A few days later when I PMO´d again I started it all over again and forgot about the clips already on my pc. My PC was full with clips I have never watched. ??? :D
     
  6. Re: My 6 years long struggle [4 weeks no PMO so far]

    I did the Hunter-Gatherer too. The search for Clips took 1-2 Hours. MOed during the search and never really watched the clips that we downloaded in the meantime... after two weeks I felt bad, deleted the clips and eventually started all over again.
     
  7. viking80

    viking80 New Member

    Re: My 6 years long struggle [4 weeks no PMO so far]

    I like cooking! :)
    It´s great - I´m hunting recipes instead of porn. :)
    Cooking is a fun way of relaxation. You find the recipe, check the ingredients, do the shopping, start some nice music and start cooking. And the best thing is when someone comes over and likes your dinner. One of my friends wants to start a dinner club, visiting someone else´s flat on each week for a nice dinner and a glass of wine. I should join, it sounds like fun.

    BTW, girl#1 comes for dinner tomorrow.
     
  8. Nickolas Duval

    Nickolas Duval Rebooted!

    Re: My 6 years long struggle [5 weeks no PMO so far]

    Nice! I am curious how it all turns out :)
    Have fun!

    Gr. Nick
     
  9. Re: My 6 years long struggle [5 weeks no PMO so far]

    nice to see: endless possibilities and activities, when you dont spend most of your evenings alone in front of the screen.

    nice :)
     
  10. viking80

    viking80 New Member

    Re: My 6 years long struggle [5 weeks no PMO so far]

    Today evening was both fun and disappointment.
    The fun part:
    -I made home made lasagne, Swedish knackebrod and cured salmon, I liked the cooking and girl#1 liked all of the meals.

    The disappointment:
    -I still have ED. We ended up in my bedroom, my erection was kind of ok at the beginning, but disappeared quickly. :( :S I took care of her, she had amazing orgasm, but that´s it. I have mentioned before that I´m in a flatline period, probably it also had an effect on my far-from-perfect erection today.

    It has been one month since my first post here. What did I learn in this period?
    -girls think that I´m a good looking guy and if I approach them, they are getting interested in me.
    -I got a lot interesting and valuable feedback about my behaviour from my dates. I have to smile more, I have to be more open, I have to show my feelings and solve my trust problem somehow.
    -I´m a good cook. Much better than I thought.
    -my reboot will take longer time than I hoped. I still have ED after one month. :S
    -there is a life out there and I want to enjoy it.

    A similar disappointing evening might cause a relapse at others, but I feel even more motivated now than ever before. I know it will be a long ride, but I will finish this reboot. There is no other option.
     
  11. Nickolas Duval

    Nickolas Duval Rebooted!

    Re: My 6 years long struggle [5 weeks no PMO so far]

    Hi Viking80,

    I am sorry to hear that your evening with girl #1 didn't turn out as you would have hoped.
    I really respect this. Like you said, this could go two ways and in my opinion you have chose the road that leads to succes. :)

    I found a thread on YBOP which describes how many weeks it will take to recover from porn induced ED on average:
    http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/how-long-will-it-take
    You said that you hoped that your reboot would take you less time. The thread shows that a full recovery in 1 month is very unlikely. You are doing great so continue! :D

    I have a question for you:
    In your introduction you describe a few situations:
    Now you say this:
    I understand that you would rather have a full erection, but to me this looks like a little bit of progress. So my question: Could you see this as progress?

    Good luck man! :)

    Gr. Nick
     
  12. viking80

    viking80 New Member

    Re: My 6 years long struggle [5 weeks no PMO so far]

    "You are a mess."

    That´s what girl#1 just said a few minutes ago. She dropped a message to me, aksing whether we could talk today after work.
    She came and started talking about me. Shortly, I´m a mess, I´m extremely introverted, not showing my feelings and sending mixed signals about my emotions. She said that it will be better if we don´t continue this thing.

    I could cry but not because of her. I used to be the nice guy, people liked me. I know that I´m still a nice person. But it´s hidden somewhere, or lost, or ehh.. I don´t know what the hell is wrong with me.
    Today, I´m the guy, who is "weird", "mess" or "possibly gay".
    I simply can´t understand how I ended up here. The blonde girl I mentioned in my first post told me that I was the most romantic guy she ever met. The single mother who was 11 years older than me said that I was the first guy in her life who really cared about her during sex. My friends used to trust me, I was the one, who kept their secrets and they knew it.

    Nobody told me anything like this before but she is right. I´m a mess right now, even if I feel that I´m on the right track. I screwed up my life because of porn and I have no idea how to fix it.

    I see progress in the following things: morning erection, sometimes spontaneous erection during the day, no porn flashbacks, no urge to watch porn.
    But when we were together... There was some improvement but it seemed to be minimal.
    Full rebooting will take a long time for me, that´s clear.
     
  13. krasak

    krasak New Member

    Re: My 6 years long struggle [5 weeks no PMO so far]

    Don't put too much stock in what a girl says about you, good or bad. If a girl likes you and sends you signals and you don't respond the way they want they feel rejected and will lash out at you pretty hard. It's because their pride is hurt. I'm sure with your ED you're confidence is low and you're pushing away some girls that show interest in you. That pisses some girls off. Don't worry about what she says. I'd stay away from girls till your reboot is done and you have your mojo back.
     
  14. Re: My 6 years long struggle [5 weeks no PMO so far]

    Mr. krasak has a point, although this is the thoughest decision:
    1. You are feeling the attraction and enjoying it -> Who could blame you?
    2. You are seeking the success -> a little bit unpatiant -> building pressure on yourself
    3. You crave the "normal" life with a/many girls -> you have waited/dreamt so long -> you have waisted so much time
    4. You want to prove it to yourself and maybe all women -> Im going out on a limp here ;) (you have to deceide this one for yourself)

    These factors lead to the following dangers:
    1. Hurt feelings -> emotional setback -> not good during reboot
    2. loosing hope that this will work/second guessing -> arguing your way back to point 0 (Danger is still low, since you seem to be very strong so far!! keep strong my man)

    Im jealous about your experience (I crave being close to a woman right now), but at the same time im happy that i dont have to make any kind of decision like that.

    Idea:
    - Keep meeting girls, keep flirting, keep the tention
    - dont get naked, dont try to have sex with them for at least 5or6 "romantic" dates (real dates where there are just the two of you)
    - dont tell her about the rule
     
  15. viking80

    viking80 New Member

    Re: My 6 years long struggle [5 weeks no PMO so far]

    Thanks guys for the support, but I think you missed my point. I did not take this short talk with her personally, I don´t even care about that. I just wanted to have a nice evening with someone, have a chat, nice dinner, that´s all, but it went out of control and we screwed it up with ( in this case almost) having sex. It happened before to me, and it will happen a few more times in my life.
    The shocking moment was when I realized that PMO addiction had a much stronger effect on my personality than I ever thought. It´s totally distorted now, I have nothing to do with the nice guy I used to be. I don´t care about about people, I push away them, even if I need them.
    I don´t care about this "rejection", it would not have been a good anyway, we work at the same company. She was not the first in the last months giving very negative feedback about my personality and my behaviour.
    I have to admit, she was right. I´m a mess right now and fixing my personality will be even more difficult than getting rid of PMO.
     
  16. Fighter

    Fighter Guest

    Re: My 6 years long struggle [5 weeks no PMO so far]

    Is it just me or do others also think it`s quite harsh to tell somebody they are a mess. This girls sounds like she's quite immature, don't`t take that shit personally is my advice.
     
  17. Re: My 6 years long struggle [5 weeks no PMO so far]

    Hey man,

    i see. Makes sense. Now I understand, sorry for the misslead "advice".

    Sounds like a shitty situation...I feel for you.
    You know what a friend of mine says: "its time to be angry/sad/fucked-up for 2-3 days. After that leave it at that and go on with your life". Its important too accept/acknowledge/respect negative feelings (they are necessary), without obsessing over them.

    My instinct tells me that you shouldnt beat your self up too much...Try to get your positive attitude back in few days and fokus on things you want to accomplish. Forget the past! One tends to overate it anyway ;)
     
  18. Nickolas Duval

    Nickolas Duval Rebooted!

    Re: My 6 years long struggle [6 weeks no PMO so far]

    Viking80!

    How are you doing?

    Gr. Nick
     
  19. viking80

    viking80 New Member

    Re: My 6 years long struggle [6 weeks no PMO so far]

    Thanks, I´m fine but I was out of town for a few days. It was fun but I´m very tired, so I will post tomorrow.
     
  20. Nickolas Duval

    Nickolas Duval Rebooted!

    Re: My 6 years long struggle [6 weeks no PMO so far]

    Good to hear that everything is going fine. I am looking forward to read another update and to know how you are doing Viking80! :)

    Gr. Nick
     

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