My 40 Year Addiction!

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Zolt, Mar 5, 2018.

  1. Zolt

    Zolt New Member

    I find it hard to believe that it has been 40 years since I first was introduced to Pornography. It started innocently enough. My Dad was a janitor and he cleaned various buildings. Some of these buildings where shops and industrial and in the bathrooms and lunch rooms where always magazines like Playboy, Penthouse ect. Of course my curiosity led me to have a peak and I liked what I was seeing.

    This then led me to masturbation and an increase desire to see more porn. Back then the only way I could see anything was through magazines so I was kind of limited when I had access to porn. But I do remember visiting the library and trying to find books on art that would have naked pictures of people. It was not until I was on my own that I graduated to videos. Although embarrassed to go into the video store I did and was an avid watcher.

    Once the internet came out, then my addiction was ramped up considerably. I was viewing porn on a daily basis but was still not as bad as it would get. I would always view soft porn but that too gradually increased to looking at harder porn. Even after I got married it did not stop, it slowed down but never stopped. I kept it hidden for a very long time but eventually did tell my wife. She was upset of course but was very supportive. I even approached my church for some guidance and they where helpful too but I still would not completely give it up.

    I surprised myself in what I was viewing. I went from soft porn to hard porn including seeing bestiality and gay sex. I am not gay in any way but I was finding myself liking it better then hetero sex. I know I would never act on it in real life but it did disturb me. I found this forum and decided to make a real effort to quit. So far I have gone one week without viewing any porn and it is damn tough. I have been having withdrawal systems big time.

    I really hope I can beat this awful addiction. I struggle everyday and silently. My wife thinks I no longer have this problem and I do not want to put her through this hell again. So this forum is my way of talking about it and dealing with it. I take one day at a time and consider every day I dont give in a major reward.

    I continue to fight...
    Give Me Strength, 40New30 and Boxer17 like this.
  2. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Welcome Zolt. You've come to the right place. I found YBR 5 years ago and still come here for inspiration and support. I recommend reading lots of journals. When I started I just used YBR to record my own experiences, but this reboot I started reading a lot of other accounts and finding out what worked for other men. Wabi Sabi's journal was a game changer because he mentioned Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun whose ideas have helped me immeasurably. A few journals that jump to mind are those of 40New30 (long term rebooter, now almost 2 years clean), Saville (full of wisdom, especially for married guys), jebu (infectious, can-do approach), Wabi Sabi (very thorough, has an almost scientific approach to the reboot), Billy B (very useful perspective from a guy who struggles/d with depression). Other older successful rebooters are Omega Man, imout, LTE and DangerousDave (older in the sense of 2012-2013 vintage).

    The early days are the toughest. They don't last though- you'll establish a new groove, and not using will become your new default. Finding out who you are without porn is exciting!

    Did I mention Pema Chodron is awesome? Her book Start Where You Are is great.
    40New30 and Libertad like this.
  3. Zolt

    Zolt New Member

    Thanks A New Man, appreciate that.
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Zolt, glad to have you here. The addict in us will cross every line imaginable of what we might consider sexual normalcy in order to get its fix. The more support you get, the better. Keep posting, brother.
  5. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Welcome Zolt!
    Thanks for calling out, use the forum, write the stuff you are going through, read what others are going through and have gone through.
    You will find this a supportive place.
    I could not have stopped my PMO addiction without the support of the gentlemen here.
    One day at a time, PMO is not an option. (-:
    Oooh yeah, cold showers are a very usefull tool too!
    Make lists of jobs to do instead of PMO etc. etc.
    Yo will find your way...
    Boxer17 likes this.
  6. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    I enjoyed reading your story @Zolt and found so much I identify with, including seeking support from church and being married to a supportive wife, but dealing with this struggle on my own at this point so as not to create so many waves in our relationship. I find personally that this contributes to a certain distance between me and my wife but the times when I've involved her in the struggle have not gone well so I think it's better this way, in my case. The community here on YBR is great though. @Saville @GreyHeron and @Libertad have been tremendous encouragements. You're not alone. We're glad you're here.
  7. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Welcome sir. This is a wonderful place to unburden oneself with those who understand and challenge is to keep fighting

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