my 365 day lifestyle, neuroplasticty, addiction reboot

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by js367124, Sep 19, 2012.

  1. js367124

    js367124 New Member

    Hey everybody,
    I’ve been a longtime lurker on here without actually posting or signing up.

    To make a long story short I am 21 years old. I have been masturbating since the 2nd grade. I started using Porn around 5th grade.

    I got into my first sexual relationship at 17 with my first GF. We had a fairly decent sex life, with the exception of me occasionally getting ED. I would definitely say that the ED was primarily caused by my years of Porn and Masturbation. However at the time I didn’t make the connection.

    Fast forward a few years and that relationship is over and I’ve been with a few other women. Unfortunately for me a recurring theme has been mediocre erectile function. I can tell I am a lot less sensitive to natural stimulus and while I am not completely impotent and can get it up , I 100 % am not functioning the way a 21 year old male should be and my sexual function is definitely poor and leaves a lot to be desired.
    Since making the connection between porn /excessive masturbation and my ED I have done the following
    1) Install porn blockers on my computer and phone. This has honestly worked very well and I can say that in the last year this has helped tremendously with beating the porn part of the addiction. Have maybe watched 5 times in the last 365 days.
    2) However I have continued to masturbate. I have of course tried abstaining but it seems I fall into this endless cycle of abstain for 2 weeks, relapse for a few days, abstain for x amount of time, relapse and so on and so forth. The longest iv managed to abstain is about 4 weeks.

    For me abstaining from porn is not enough. I actually get the most benefit from avoiding masturbation and excessive sexual stimulation. However it seems as if the addiction is very deeply rooted in my brain and I literally am an addict who despite knowing how bad this is for you, wanting to quit, and hating himself for this vice keeps relapsing. Of note, whenever I abstain for a semi extended period of time is when my sexual function is best. I had a sex buddy for about 4 months at one point . During that period I only ejaculated from sex with her and my ED was markedly improved. Suppose just goes to show that sex is simply healthier, more natural, and easier for your brain to handle then binge masturbation sessions.

    So I’ve grown feed up with this situation to the point where I need to take my serious action. It’s why I decided to join and start a journal. I want to hold myself accountable to this community.
    I have devised the following plan of action that I am going to do my utmost best to adhere to for the following 365 days.

    1) Avoid all porn
    2) Avoid all masturbation
    3) Do my best to even limit sexual thoughts, fantasies, ideas.
    4) Do my best to avoid all triggers (caffeine, junk food, weed, alcohol)
    5) Only sexual activity I am allowing is with a girl. And that’s only if I feel up to it.

    I realize 365 days is a very long time. Especially given my track record of the last year where I abstain for 2 weeks, then relapse ,abstain then relapse. However I honestly believe I have a lot of damage and neuroplasticty to undue in my brain and ideally this would be a permanent lifestyle change.

    I am going to track my progress daily on my calendar and write daily journal entries on here. I’ve made this forum my home page so I’m going to do my best to share my progress over the course of this year. Even if nothing remarkable happened over the course of the day I’ll write a few thoughts/ words.

    Furthermore if I relapse I’m not giving up on the project, I’m simply going to do my best to not let it turn into a binge and keep it to that one ejaculation and continue with achieving the goals Iv set out. After all even if you masturbate 5 times over the course of a year its significantly better than 5 times over the course of a week.

    Finally everything I write on here will be the truth. If I screw up and I masturbate then ill post on here and say I fucked up. It’s part of the accountability of this forum.
    Anyway day 1 started this morning. 364 more to go lol
  2. js367124

    js367124 New Member

    Day 1:

    So as promised I want to make nightly journal updates and heres my first one.

    As one would expect nothing particularly special about day 1. Feels good to have somewhere to report to though. Like I said makes me feel like im not alone in this misery and there are people who actually know what this feels like. Definitely got mad at the thought of how unfair this is, how the medical community tells us to masturbate our brains out but the truth is I have no right blaming this on anyone. Im the one who has spent years building this addiction.

    Every time iv tried explaining this phenomenon to my close friends even family basically no one takes me seriously and dismisses this all as bogus. Whatever I guess there problem if they keep their habits up most of them will end up in similar spots anyway

    Anyway I actually got a Tattoo on my right forearm a few weeks ago to help symbolize my commitment to beating this. Its the letters "NFFL" stands for no fapping for life. Obviously the placement is of importance since its in an effort to remind me of my goals during moments of weakness.

    Thats probably enough banter for tonight. Cya dudes tommorow.
  3. js367124

    js367124 New Member

    Day 2:

    Easy day today. Was in school basically all day so was very busy and focused on other things today.

    Saw a lot of attractive girls on campus. Definetly made me frustrated to think that my porn induced ED is holding me back from approaching them . Not saying I would bag one of them or whatever just that the fact that I have some degree of ED that I have to deal with before it makes any sense to take things further with girls is frustrating as hell. But its also very motivating to think on what your missing out on.
  4. js367124

    js367124 New Member

    After browsing through this forum iv decided to share another part of myself with you guys lol.

    Its clear that you guys have an interest in the biochemical aspect of what where dealing with here.

    Aside for the dopamine receptor desensitization theory that is most widely touted as the root of the problem ( which by the way is solid and I for the most part agree, its why im here ultimately)

    There are alot of other things worth investigating. Iv spent the last two years posting and educating myself on various mens hormone replacement forums. The main one being which is dr. John chrislers HRT forum and is the premiere place for info and how learning how to run a good HRT and the various hormonal interactions.

    I myself am on testosterone cypionate, armour thyroid + levothyroxine, HCG etc.

    I can personally attest that if you have hypothyroid, low T, high E2 , low cortisol etc its going to be alot harder for your body to make progress and you may suffer from more symptoms then just porn induced ED.

    Something iv also looked into is actual levels of neurotransmitters. Yes I know that as of today there is still no 100% accurate way to measure neurotransmitters and that urine tests offered only reflect peripheral nervous system levels and not central nervous system levels. Never the less iv consulted with some of the top neuro endocrinolgists (went all the way to cali to see one ) on the topic and they have confirmed that if symptoms match the results there is often a fairly good correlation between the peripheral nervous system and central nervous system in their clinical experience.

    Iv also run neurotransmitter metabolite tests such as vanilmandilate (metabolite of norepinephrine, epinephrine) homovanilate ( metabolite of dopamine), and 5-HIA ( metabolite of serotonin) and they have always come back chronically low. Matter of fact I ran a urine neuro test alongside a urine neuro metabolite test and the results matched up identically further confirming that there is some degree of accuracy regarding these tests.

    I further investigated my body and possible causes for this and it turns out I have the MTHFR mutation. I am both heterozygous (1 bad gene 1 good gene) for the c677t mutation and the A1298C versions of the mutation.

    In short what this mutation does , especially the A1298C side of it , is that it directly limits and affects your neurotransmitter synthesis. It does this because your body is defective at regenerating BH4 which is the cofactor for tyrosine and tryptophan hydroxylase which are the rate limiting enzymes responsible for neurotransmitter production.

    So that just made it so that everything really really really started to make sense and explained why many of the things that happened to me and I was experiencing where possible.

    Im in no way saying my porn and masterbation addiction is not the main culprit . After all iv had most of the above mentioned problems my whole life and yet my sexual function was decent when i was younger and has grown progressively worse as my addiction has continued and deepened.

    And I ofcourse do believe that abstaining and beating the addiction is probably the most important piece of the puzzle and will lead to recovery for most people, especially the young guys.

    But I am also definetly saying that there are many things that are worth investigating that could be further contributing to why you function so poorly.

    Also by the way premature ejaculation is mostly caused by excessive norepinephrine signaling. I had this for about a year after I did exstacy (only once) and it destroyed my serotonin even further. Serotonin is one of the control systems on norepinephrine and essentially my nervous system was constantly in a very sympathetic state . It got so bad that I would cum without even being hard.

    Luckily I was able to fix the excesive norepinephrine signaling and now im back to normal and can last a long time. I just mainly deal with ED at this point.

    Anyway long post but figured id be honest. If anyone has any interest in this feel free to ask. We can discuss various topics.

    Also in no way am I saying that you guys sould all get on hormones or anything of the sort. Dont want this to interpreted as that. Just saying that there are many layers to this onion and abstaining may not be enough for some people that have biochemistry issues not caused by excesive P and O.
  5. js367124

    js367124 New Member

    day 3:

    Today was the first day I had an urge to fap since the beginning of this abstinence. Happened around mid day. It wasn't any sort of overwhelming libido and didnt even have an erection. Just had an urge to ejaculate. Just goes to show you it was my brain craving its shot of dopamine and my body had no real need for it.

    This morning had an epic morning wood. But those are pretty common for me. There more a sign of good E2 levels and decent free testosterone. There also indicative of you being in a parasympathetic mode while asleep/waking. The key for me is my erections when with women and during foreplay.

    Since quiting porn a year ago I definetly have more urges to be with regular women. No doubt about it. But im just not sexually potent enough at the moment to go through with any thing but hookers.

    Got a feeling if I make it past 30 days im gona start looking down this route again. Man just needs some puss from time to time
  6. js367124

    js367124 New Member

    Day 4:

    Ok so im writing this entry kinda early as its only 6:30 but I have to go to work till 10 and im going out after so wont have time to write.

    But ultimately I feel confident I wont fuck up later tonight and most of the things worth reporting already happened to me today.

    Anyway woke up with another solid morning wood. I personally dont think morning wood is that big a deal but regardless its always nice getting them. They give you some sort of mental peace to some degree.

    Later during one of my classes was feeling pretty horny. Couldnt help it but started fantasizing and actually got a few short lived erections during class. All good signs but im gona try to limit this as I dont trust myself. Fantasizing for me just builds up sexual frustration.

    Already caught myself thinking about going to one of those asian rub and tugs iv been to before as this technically wouldn't count as relapse. But in reality this would be such a waste. Not that its not a fun experience ( it is ) but at this stage of the game im so early into the abstaining process that I souldnt need it . Maybe after 60 days or so. And id prefer to just fuck a hooker. Not even that much more expensive.

    Anyway overall a solid day. Got a soccer game tommorow im looking forward to. Off to work. Fuck lol cya guys tommorow
  7. js367124

    js367124 New Member

    Day 5:

    Today was another toughish day. Had a lot of libido when I woke up and through the early afternoon.
    It seems as if being in my room is definetly a trigger for masturbation for me. Makes sense since for years iv masturbated in the early part of the day so my brains just used to a certain routine.

    I didnt wake up with any morning wood today. feel like it was because my sleep was poor and for whatever reason couldnt get into a deep sleep. dosnt really matter cuse I ended up getting 2 erections later in the day.

    Later in the evening was at a freinds house and one of his tabs open on his laptop was porn. I took a look for 20 seconds or so. Its amazing how unstimulating porn is for me anymore. I had no desire to actually watch shit looked so stupid honeslty.

    feel strong about beating the porn aspect of this for over a year now. But honestly the porn was never the biggest issue for me. Ya ofcourse I enjoyed it and it definetly made the masterbation more intense etc but iv always always loved normal women and yearned to fuck as many as possible. It was always the masterbation that I did on a regular basis. Anyway K9 web protection on your comp and safe eyes internet on your phone if you have an Iphone is the way to go if you want help beating porn. It helps you in your moments of weakness alot. Im not great with comps so getting past those two blockers is basically impposible for me and really helped me get unadicted to porn. It also makes it easier when you deal with each aspect 1 at a time. Porn first then mastebation

    some things i need to continue working on

    1) Stop letting fantasies develop in my head. Are fantasies more normal and healthy? Yes, definetly but they trigger the desire for me to start jerking off and just make the sexual frustration worse.

    2) Stop playing with my dick when im just lounging around chilling. Same issue ya it feels good to play with dick and my balls but this pleasure sensations just lead to me wanting for release.

    3) Continue being busy with my 6 workouts a week, job, and school.

    4) Learn to not let stress break me. Masterbating has always been a form of stress relief for me. But at this point because I know im addicted and I want to break free it just causes more stress.
    Every time Iv relapsed in the past iv felt like such a loser and hated myself for it.

    5) Continue journaling every night. Its amazing how much writign on here helps me stay focused. Wish I had done this sooner.

    Looking forward to day 6
  8. js367124

    js367124 New Member

    OK.......FUCKKKKKK........I said id be honest on here no matter how embarrassing, painful, and idiotic I may seem. Its the only way this journal has any value.

    So i fucked up today. Woke up with morning wood. Was feeling pretty horny from the start of the day. And then I indulged in one the things I identified as a trigger. I drank caffeine which always has a libido/excitement/dopamine type effect on me.

    After that it was much harder not to masturbate. Literally one part of my brain was like "go to the gym, now is when you go to the gym, just leave your goddamn house and get in the fresh air" while the other part of my brain just did everything in its power to create excuses for me to jerk off.

    i literally stopped and started three times. If I had just left id probably be aight by now, in the gym using my extra energy on something else and by the time id get home would not have so much libido/desire to get my nut off.

    My anger and frustration at myself is huge. It almost always is when I mess up. just feel like an addict/loser who cant control himself. And I hate that feeling. I was hoping to get past 30 days which is my personal record and instead I made it to 5.

    Anyway....iv realized I need to take a slightly different approach to this and some of the guide lines I set for myself.

    Since iv made my goal 365 days its unrealistic not to relapse over that long a time. this is not me making excuses for myself, but its simply me knowing myself and this addiction pretty well at this point . I have such an all or nothing personality and when it comes to this that may not work, or at least in the initial stages.

    So the only real thing im switching in how I approach this is that if I relapse like I did today im not going to "reset the ticker" or consider it a complete failure. this approach has led to nothing in the past and in reality is kinda wrong. Think about it even if you relapse once a week that's 1 ejaculation a week as opposed to 5-10 ( which is probably what I averaged).

    furthermore based on my past experiences with women there have been times where iv maintained a high ejaculation frequency and my sexual function was really good. the key is not to go on binges and do your best to not masterbate and just save as much of your sexual energy for the actual thing.

    Im not giving up on this by any means. Just instead of making my goal "don't masturbate at all for 365 days" ill make it "masturbate as little as possible for 365 days".

    If over the course of the year I masturbate 7 times as opposed to 0 I would say there really is not that big a difference as long as those 7 ejaculations arent 7 in a row or something. And compared to my previous ejaculation frequency its a huge improvement.

    I also have on my wall taped up a tracker where I mark off days. So even from a scientific/curiosity perspective it will be interesting to see how I fare over the course of the year.

    So day 6 was where I fucked up. 1 ejaculation a week =4 a month= 48 a year. Thats to much in my eyes. At least for me during a reboot process.

    1 ejaculation every 2 weeks=2 a months=24 a year. Definetly better but still probably a bit much.

    1 ejaculation every month=1 a month=12 a year. A lot better. More realistic.

    So right now iv got 359 days to go and 11 ejaculations left. Lets do it.
  9. js367124

    js367124 New Member

    Day 7:

    Easy day. Was super busy all day. Didnt really have any time to think about sex and masterbation to much.

    Had a good workout at the gym. Nothing much to report really
  10. js367124

    js367124 New Member

    Day 8:

    Haha thanks man. Ya the tattoo is to symbolize my commitment to this. And its a reminder absolutely. Theres is actually another tattoo Im getting once I consider myself having beat this and a few other challenges/afflictions I deal with in my life. but that's a different story for a different time.

    So today in a sense marks the End of week 1 and the beginning of week 2. Looking back on week 1 it was ok . I had 1 relapse but 6 days where I was able to say no. the relapse actually just reaffirmed my will and commitment to this and im very glad that it didn't lead to a "fuck it I relapsed might as well binge" mentality that has often occurred when I fucked up in the past.

    Im also glad that after week 1 I changed some of my goals and how I approach this. just being more relaxed and realistic about this battle/journey makes it alot less stressful. Trying to be perfect is going to stress me out and ultimately make relapse more likely.

    Some things to sum also at the end of this week. My sexual function was honestly fairly decent this whole week. Woke up with morning wood alot and actually had spontaneous erections during the days a few times. Would say the relapse only put a negative dent in this for 1 day or so and by today was functioning well.

    A small mini goal/project im gona set up for myself is to try to beat the 30 day in a row mark which is my previous longest without masturbation.

    At the end of that month me and a friend of mine are probably gona go get some Asian hookers. theres a cool forum called that has reviews on various girls and rates and what not so its a good place to get informed if your considering this route.

    I definetly want to do this because

    1) At the end of 1 month ill probably be ridiculously horny and want to release. I rather pay for sex then just jerk it.
    2) this is also part of the effort to retrain my brain to be more responsive to real women as opposed to my hand and imagination/screen.

    aight cool
  11. WeekbyWeek

    WeekbyWeek Guest

    I've also quit porn a long time ago (150 days, back in April), and am just fighting MO. July was a month full of "failure", I was only going on 3 day streaks on average. August was better, did a full week as a streak a couple times. September started with a 17 day streak, and I am on a 11 day streak right now. So we're kind of in the same place. Lots of streaks, but we don't seem to "go the distance". I'm also on a Testosterone booster (T Bomb II), and I'm not sure if it makes things better or worse. Testosterone definitely affirms willpower, but it also drives the libido.

    I've stopped touching my dick in the shower, and I piss with my left hand. I just quit using the internet at home aside from this website (I type my notes up at school, check my email at school, etc. I check facebook once a week, and I don't view the newsfeed.)

    So yeah, at this point I just keep trying new tactics, anything to get rid of it. So if you do anything odd like I just posted, definitely let me know.
  12. js367124

    js367124 New Member

    Honestly congrats on quitting porn. I think its the first step. For me it was crucial to install k9 porn blocker on my desk top and safe eyes internet on my iphone cuse it really helped me get past the initial stages which are the hardest.

    But no joke now even when i have the chance to watch porn I really feel no desire to. Shit just makes me feel like a loser straight up. Plus I have an overwhelming desire to be with normal girls. I gotta make a move soon fuck this.

    Your right that were very similar where we go on streaks , sometimes short , sometimes more extended. I honestly i honestly honestly believe that this is better then what was previously going on which was constant masturbation 5-10 times a week. Its no surprize our bodies where sexually exhausted at that kind of frequency.

    I mean I dono about you but my sexual function is decent just by reducing my frequency to "somewhat" reasonable and avoiding porn.

    But I personally want better. I also want to not be addicted and have my brain crave it. basically I want a more normal naturally driven sex drive as opposed to this orgasm driven craving feeling.

    for me one of the most effective tricks when I feel a really strong urge coming on is to simply leave my house. Even if its for 5 minutes to walk around the block or go buy a drink.

    It just gets my mind off it and like iv mentioned previously my brain has grown to associate my room in particular with masturbation and just being in my room when no ones home puts me more at risk. Cold showers help to .

    By the way im not on a t booster. Im on testosterone cypionate which is the real thing lol. tad bit different.
  13. js367124

    js367124 New Member

    day 9:

    Super busy day at school. had strong libido during certain moments in class . Ended up talking to this cute ass girl by the vending machine today. Was making her laugh. Soulda asked her out or to hang out but I blew my chance. maybe ill cya her around again oh well

    Beasted in my gym class today. put all my class mates to shame. Kinda sad that out of a class of 33 kids I was the only one who could run 13 minutes straight. America is just fat and out of shape as fuck.

    got a doctor apointment tommorow iv been looking forward to ( im a nerd for all this biochemistry stuff).

    Also I dont wanna jinx it but last few days since my relapse despite being horny and having libido and even occasional erections I have found it easier to control and tell myself no. this is really important to me cuse i feel like the only way the brain will weaken those addicted pathways is you constantly reinforce them and push your brain in the direction you want it to go in.

    Anyway peace out guys
  14. js367124

    js367124 New Member

    day 10:

    Kinda had a crazy day today. Drove all the way to philly to see a doc. Things went well.

    when I got back decided fuck it. Called my friend up and we got went to a asian outcall place. So I got laid today. was 250$ but thats aight .

    im more happy that my dick worked really well. The foreplay was kinda awkward a little bit its not quite the same as with a regular chick you might pick up. But all the same once she started rubbing my groin/dick my shit sprung to life.

    felt this good sexual excitement and didnt have trouble putting the rubber on.

    Sex itself was actually pretty mediocore. Little asian women vs big white male just didnt match up well. But I had a solid ass nut so whatever. felt good to have sex again after a few month cold streak.

    dont really think im gona count this as an ejaculation since I didnt masterbate.
  15. WeekbyWeek

    WeekbyWeek Guest

    Yeah leaving the house is a big one. Similar to you, I have a tattoo (got it before I found YBOP), but it has a strong personal/family meaning to it. Anytime I get an urge I just look into the eye of it and my rational brain fully engages. I'll definitely leave the house next time I get close to losing it lol, thanks for the tip.

    And yeah I know legit T is different lolol, I'm not running a cycle any time soon. I used to use an aromatase inhibitor on and off for a couple years but for some reason it gave me joint pain so I stopped doing that (might've all been in my head).

    Good to hear you got laid lolol.

    Stay strong brother.
  16. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Great work, you're becoming more badass the longer you abstain bro. Stay strong!

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