So many great things in your post. I was thinking of you the other day. I was going to mention how you are a colossal success story, but now I don't have to as you've graced us with your own words. Happy for you, brother. Thanks for stopping by.
Thanks Libertad... One day at a time... That is so true A New Man... Love is so much better when we allow ourselves to experience it... Its nice when your battle can directly inspire someone else. Thank you for your kind words Squire. I'm glad my words could inspire you. I read a good portion of your journal and I do relate to much of what you say brother. Peace and blessings to you on your journey brother... Saville, old friend its good to hear from you. Man time flies. I still remember when you first came to the forum, your energy instantly energized so many of us. Glad to see you still here being a light and a source of joy here. Continue doing what you do man...
This week has been very inspiring yet very mentally draining and difficult at the same time. Yesterday I had a bit of a meltdown and feelings of helplessness and severe anxiety began to dominate my thinking... As I have stated many times I have a pattern in my life of working really hard, achieving some level of success, then resting on my laurels until I'm in a crisis then I wash rinse and repeat the same cycle. I'm such a perfectionist by nature that this usually throws me into a downward spiral of anxiety but I've learned through self love to eventually stop that downward spiral before I get too low and get my ass up and start working on my fundamentals again... Over the past few months in particular I allowed myself internally to begin to avoid doing important little things pertaining to some major areas of my life. And just like it says in the Slight Edge, those small daily simple little errors in behavior have grown into a, increasing sense of dread and helplessness surrounding some major areas in my life. Something as small as not really giving my best at work, not sticking to my diet, and taking shortcuts to get things done in other areas... At first it doesn't bother me, but over time I start feeling like I'm not really prepared to do my job well, or my health and overall energy begins to suffer, and I start feeling like a fraud in other areas and fear begins to creep in that I will not be able to maintain the life that I have built, financially, emotionally, physically, or any other way, because I am not prepared... Well this internal feeling of dread caught up with me this week and I found myself wanting to self soothe so I turned to video games and PMO a few nights this week to numb that feeling inside... Right on schedule, I instantly felt empty and of course PMO tried to pull me deeper into that downward spiral. Yesterday I forced myself through my workday (huge win) and after work went out and spent some time in nature. Nature just has a healing affect on me for some reason. I was in serious need of self love and a pattern interrupt as I had gotten into a bad habit of spending way too much time in my house and not getting away and connecting to life... I have several books that are cornerstone books to my mental health and if I go too long without adhering to the principles within them I know I will not be able to function at a high level mentally for long, and fear / anxiety will begin to dominate my thoughts and life... The inspiring part of this week is that my downward spiral didn't break me and I didnt go into complete relapse. I was able to contain it, quarantine it and get back on my schedule and routine today that I know gets my mind back into a positive mental state. Instead of feeling like a helpless victim, I know that I can turn that energy around and I can start to feeling like a man again, in the face of whatever happens... When I really get into that dark place I notice that I'm seeking to control things beyond my control...things outside of my circle of influence, like how others treat me or what happens at my job, but when I'm at my best I'm focused on loving myself, daily self disciplines, and preparing myself mentally to be the best I can be each day. For me success is not about what happens to me, rather than how I mentally prepare to show up to face life each day... I cant control the former, but I have everything to do with the latter... So today I'm dusting myself off and getting back up again... Getting back to my slight edge principles. I started taking cold showers again this past week and I love it. I had to start off slow (5-10 seconds...because dayum that water is cold when you haven't taken one in over a year...lol) and now I'm going a little longer each day. A year ago I got to the point where I could just take my entire shower cold and I remember it feeling great. I love how I feel after forcing my body to do something that uncomfortable, its a great mental win first thing in the morning, it sets the tone for my day... plus my body just feels energized and shocked into action... Learning and growing... One day at a time... Much love to all...
This is something endemic nowadays. It sounds like it should be a good thing, doesn't it? But, there is this spirit-demon of perfection who's soul job is to keep us stuck. Perfection, as we know, is a fantasy, and there are no greater fantasists than P addicts. We can never live up to our fantasy and so it's just easier to fail a bit. This happened to me too this winter. I'm in a much better place, but I allowed that to make me complacent. I totally agree with how you view the little things. When we stop taking care of them, and stop valuing them, then we are indeed on that slippery slope. Each minute, each action, is so important to us. We ignore these small things at our peril, of course. Empty, useless, regret, shame, guilt, abandonment of feelings; all these things and more is what PMO and MO have in store. You've built up some significant strength now, MM. Great job pulling yourself out of your listlessness. I love this! And THIS! Cold showers are the bomb! The slight edge principle is so simple. Take care of the little things each day; over time this creates significant change. Love how you're keeping the faith, brother. The old programing dies hard, but it has no place in a man who is energized with the beauty of the simple things. The revolution for you (for us), in many ways, has just begun!
Had a very difficult weekend mentally. Having some potential challenges at work I've been internally stressing over for quite some time. I gave the negative thoughts in my mind some room to grow and i found myself wanting to self soothe to ease the anxiety. So today I'm facing serious temptation to binge on PMO and video games to numb the anxiety. I pulled out a few of my favorite personal development books to help and I ran across the Road Less Traveled. I just happened to flip to a page I had dog ear'd that said "Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering". For me this means its easier to sit and worry and become neurotic about something then to actual do the work and suffer through the emotions and grow through the process... I have analyzed fear from every side and I still cannot figure out why I get so afraid of certain situations. Its completely irrational sometimes, yet and still I continue to feel deathly afraid of certain things happening at work or with my finances...so with that in mind, its useless to wonder why it keeps happening and my only option is to continue to face the fears head on... Anyways, I have resolved today to buckle down and get to the business of dealing with these issues head on. We will see what tomorrow brings... Much love to all... One day at a time...
Hi Musicman, i'm a worrier too,always thinking what can go wrong more than what can go right.I think I just think too much and create situations and arguments in head which never happen in real life.One thing I have done which has help me is as well as blocking P i have also blocked newspapers and political website which not only waste my time and keep me on the computer but also rile my mind and affect my mood and outlook. "Anyways, I have resolved today to buckle down and get to the business of dealing with these issues head on. We will see what tomorrow brings..." But as you say this is the only way, have a productive porn free day Musicman
I thought about this quote for quite awhile yesterday. I think it's true, for sure. We sense something uncomfortable coming down the pike and so we revert to our soother, whatever that may be. It seems incredible that we would rather feel anxious or depressed about something, instead of just sitting with a feeling and allowing it to fade away naturally, doesn't it? I take a cold shower almost every morning. I never look forward to that cold water, until of course it's pouring over me, waking me up. I want to stay in that unnaturally warm place, a place where I feel neither vitalized, nor challenged. Gaming and P are soothers that we suck. It's so much better to have the real thing. For a baby that's its mother's tit and for us grown men it is to feel our maleness, or spot in the world, even though it may feel like an isolated spot. I think another way of rephrasing that quote, if I may, is to say: neurosis is always a substitute for joy. We addicts are always trying to repel joy, as though it's acid rain. We prefer the pancho that keeps us dry and brittle. Time to let us soak it all in.
Its been a while since I posted but I've been reading the journals and it keeps me inspired to stay focused. I've had a few slip ups in the past month with PMO, but I see consistent growth within myself. I feel now that my new normal day does not include PMO or PMO related thoughts and I just feel a lot more in control of my daily life. I also have been getting up faster and quicker if I do have a slip up and I dont beat myself up as bad as I used to... Have a story I wanted to share regarding just feeling like more of a man. My old nice guy self would never try and bargain for things. If I was purchasing a car or some other expensive purchase I would just take what was offered. But last week I had to buy something off of craigslist and I made up in my mind that I would take no less than a certain amount. I remember reading in Corey Wayne's how to be a 3% man, that the most powerful negotiating position in any situation is being able to walk away from any situation and really mean it... Well that principle has really helped me in my personal relationships and it did as well during this transaction. When I went to make the purchase the lady and her husbands offer was a good deal, but I still wanted to practice negotiating so I offered 100$ less than what they were asking. The wife said no, we cant take that so I then offered 50$ more (the price I really wanted to pay all along) then she said no again. So I said, well thanks, but I'm still researching some others in the area with similar prices and if I cant find what I'm looking for I'll see if this is still available, have a great day... Her husband stepped in and said, hold on, so you have the full amount right now? Of course I said yep, and he said honey just take it, lets get rid of this thing. My girlfriend was with me and she later told me that it really turned her on that I negotiated that deal. I felt strong and confident after leaving, knowing that I stayed true to myself and got a great deal. The old me would have just given in when she wouldnt budge on the price... I never felt worthy of getting a better deal that what life was giving. I felt like I was imposing on people. But I'm slowly starting to see that nice guy fade away in different areas, and theres not anger behind my new decisions, its just self love. I deserve a great deal. I deserve the best. Even though there is still plenty of nice guy left in me that I'm working through, its good to see progress.. One day at a time...
Good job dude! I wish I could take you along the next time I buy a car... Years ago when we bought a Saturn they had a no-haggle policy that I really liked. The sticker price was the final price. It made me feel like I was getting the same deal as everyone else and not getting ripped off. Or if I was, then everybody was. Before buying we compared with a Toyota, and the Toyota salesman used his manipulation skills to say that women like Saturns because they don't like to negotiate. So that ticked me off and we promptly went and bought the Saturn. LOL That was about 18 years ago. I might still buy the Saturn if that happened today. But I would also tell him I was not spending $5,000 extra just to prove to a salesman I'm a man. LOL
That makes my day and I so wish that I can reach this state of mind too one day. Especially about the no anger. Well done man. You have truly come a long way.
Be extra careful for a while...a few slip ups can be the beginning of getting trapped again. I should know.
Yes indeed. As 40 and Saville said. I know all too well. Even now after 320 some odd days LOOK OUT! I am very vigilant...... you need to be.
Thanks for all the warnings. You all are so right about the lure of porn and how easily it is to become ensnared again. Its a fine line I'm learning to walk. As a recovering perfectionist, not to beat myself up too bad when I make a mistake, but at the same time, not taking it lightly if I do give in to the urge... I am back focused again. I'm in sort of a quandry right now still about what I want to be when I grow up. I'm in my early 40s and I still have no idea what brings me fulfillment in life. I'm working in a pretty good job that I dont love. But it pays the bills so I work through it. I'm forever learning how to be ok with my day to day, while still actively looking for what I really want to be. I'll always continue to learn and grow. I recent read the little book "Who Moved My Cheese" and it really gave me some good perspective about jobs and about staying ready to move. When I'm not feeling confident about myself I have a tendency to feel like I'm trapped at my job, that I couldnt possibly leave and learn something new. But I'm continually challenging my fears and pushing out against my comfort zone... Sometimes making very slow progress...but I'll take what I can get... One day at a time...
For the past few months I've really been struggling internally with maintaining a sense of purpose. Been feeling really empty inside. I started gaming more and more to fill that void. Everything in life really started to feel grey. Last night things came to a head and I just hit a bottom where I just felt like complete crap. Just felt like an empty shell sitting there. The thing that only keeps me working towards a solution right now is my kids and girlfriend. I justify gaming because its not PMO and in my mind I see more destructive immediate effects due to PMO, but gaming is slowly destroying my desire to grow in any meaningful way also..., I'm know that I'm just trading one poison for another poison and the bottom line is that I hate the way I feel in my body without some sort of external stimulus to take the pain away. Ever since I can remember as a kid I've been this way so I know I have my work cut out for me to change this behavior and learn how to live in a more healthy fulfilling way. The hardest part for me is living everyday life, having enough mental energy to get up and handle all of lifes responsibilities, be emotionally available and strong for my kids and girlfriend and simultaneously dealing with the withdrawal symptoms and trying to replace these time wasters with something that actually fulfilling... What usually happens is that I try to do new healthier things, I last for a while then when the pain of life hits I revert back into my comfort zone. I've cut the chord with PMO for the most part, but it still hangs around in the background and still tempts me from time to time to partake. I'm recommitting myself to finding healthier alternatives for spending my time. I have no idea what to do or how I will do this, everything I have tried up to this point in my life hasn't really worked so here we go again. Putting my faith in God and in myself to the test. I'll decide to do something and keep working and find a way through this. One day at a time...
I wake up in the morning and have no idea, either. But, I do know that it is all about changing the narrative inside the head. I don't dwell on feeling tired, or bored, or down. I decide on some simple job, a direction, and then plod forward.
Its been a while. Been through a lot since my last post but I have good news. I feel like I have successfully rewired myself. Took a lot of work, really getting PMO under control, but the main thing for me was that I got out of my toxic marriage and all toxic relationships after my marriage, and I met the right woman. When I posted last our relationship was in its infancy, were going on 4 years now and I'm so grateful. The right partner is so key in healing and recovery. I got myself as healthy as I possibly could through reading every book I could find that dealt with my issues, stayed in counseling, and got ALLLLL of the toxic women out of my life and focused on becoming a man that I could be proud of one day at a time. That was the hardest part, being alone for a season, but it was the most important part. God blessed me and allowed me to meet an amazing caring healthy (but not perfect) woman. One that I was able to share my true heart with and she understood me and listened and was compassionate and we could grow together. Before I was too afraid to share my secrets with any woman. Subjects like porn addiction and childhood abuse were off limits. I thought I had to fix all my problems in secret then show up as this perfect man one day... But of course that approach never worked so I decided to be open and honest and I was so surprised. Of course I waited and dated her for a while to see what her character was like, and once she gained my trust I decided to share some very personal things to see if she was someone I could trust, and to my surprise she was... The road hasn't been perfect of course. We've had our challenges, ups and downs and I still look at porn on occasion but I don't feel addicted to it anymore at all; And it doesn't affect my ability to perform sexually at all. I know my story isn't for everyone. Just like with alcoholics, there are some people who can drink in moderation and be ok, and some can never take another drink or they are done. For me porn was just an escape from all the pain and suffering I had been through in my life. And I've been through a LOT... But as I started to really clean up the broken areas in my personal life, I saw the porn addiction lessen and lessen. I began to notice weeks even months where I had no desire to escape into it. I knew then that I was getting healthier. I never thought this day would come but I'm grateful to be here. I'd say it took about 2 to 3 years after meeting my wife to rewire myself sexually. I still have my moments when I struggle and my old physiology takes over, but instead of going into secret/shame mode, I will communicate to either to my therapist or wife depending on what's going on, if I'm having problems with sexual performance anxiety or shame or anything like that... Man its made all the difference. Before I was so afraid of being rejected, judged, or I was so convinced that no one would understand, I would never express myself. It was so essential to get all of the toxic women out of my life, because those women would send me so far deeper into porn and shame because I'd open up to them and they'd crush me; or I'd just live in constant fear of them finding out about my porn addiction or ED... Anyways, just like with anything I do stay mindful of falling back into bad habits, so my wife and I are big into reading, personal development, marriage seminars, etc.... Learning and growing together is so important to keeping things moving forward. Its good to see everyone still here plugging away learning and growing from each other. This is a great community of good people. Just wanted to send a thanks to all of you that were here when I first started posting. Your encouraging words and support helped me through a very dark time in my life, y'all became like brothers to me and I'm so grateful for each of you... And several of you, you know who you are, really supported me with friendship when I needed it most. Every season comes with its ups and downs. I'm still dealing with stuff, mainly some health challenges. But overall I have a much more positive outlook on the ability to change ones life. I still have a long way to go, and I always will, just doing my best to learn from each day and enjoy the process as much as possible... So to summarize the best advice I'd give is to do your best to become the man you want to be and pray for an opportunity to use what you've learned with someone who is a good fit for you... And when and if that opportunity comes make the most of it... Life is short. Give it your all... Some books that really blessed me along my journey of course were (in no particular order): 1. Your Brain on Porn- Gary Wilson, 2. Cant Hurt Me - David Goggins, 3. The Way of the Superior Man- David Deida, 3. How to be a 3% Man- Corey Wayne, 4. The War of Art-Steven Pressfield, 5. No More Mr. Nice Guy- Robert Glover, 6. Codependent No More - Melody Beattie, 7. The Gifts of Imperfection - Brene Brown, 8. Pulling your own strings- Wayne Dyer, 9. The Nerds Guide to Being Confident -Mark Manson, 10. How to Divorce as Friends - Bill Ferguson, 11. The Road Less Traveled - M. Scott Peck, 12. Letting Go - David R. Hawkins. Stay focused, continue to work the process. One day at a time... Much love and God bless
Wow, bro'! I just love your updates. I saw you at the beginning and how you struggled, but I remember pulling so much inspiration from your journal. So happy to hear that your doing so well and have a partner to share your incredible self with. Much love, musicman!
