^You articulate perfectly what I go through Musicman, so I can relate to this 100%. I don't think I have a responsible adult relationship to failure. My ego plays a big part in this, expecting life to come easy because I thought my musical skills would just solve all my problems. But this isn't over-confidence, it's the total opposite. Lacking the emotional tools to deal with life, I have always fantasised that my great talent will help see me through. These realisations depress me, as during this phase I have lost all belief in hope, luck, the stars, good fortune, or indeed that there is anything beautiful about life, as it all seems like an uphill struggle, a place where only weeds will grow unless you get out there and continually clear them away. I see only the harsh realities of life, and believe the odds are stacked against me to change, despite my best efforts. I'm now even suspicious of the times I choose to relax, because anything that brings the slightest comfort, spending time with familiar people, going for walks, reading a book, spending time with my hobbies, they all seem to be childish or avoidant to some degree, and life isn't supposed to be comfortable, especially if one wishes to grow. It takes such motivation to get me to face fears, that I expect to be instantly rewarded somehow for my efforts, with positive emotions, forgetting than successful people fail time and time again. I find it hard to believe that most people are also experiencing the fears and doubts that I am experiencing, but that they are just more self-disciplined and mature, because believing this would inconveniently mean my having to remove my greatest excuse, that I am somehow a unique victim, rather than a person who is actually completely in control of their life, but who is too afraid to grow up. Sending love back to you. What you wrote really resonated with me.
Negative emotions and stress are the foundational triggers of slipping into uncool behavior patterns, once you understand that you're way ahead of the game!
This really got me thinking. I had an realization also, why the P seems so tempting at times. Its because of feeling of being stuck in one's life. If deep inside you know that you are not really living your life, but mostly just avoiding any difficulties and trying to live in safe, comfortable way. P seems to break that conformity. It seems to break all moral codes, being totally wild and uncontrollable behavior. Now, if you are stuck in life you have to release some steam at times. The fumes of frustration and desperation. By watching P you got an illusion how you are free and wild for a little while. Like you would really be alive for a little moment it lasts. But its an illusion, as we all know... Growing to really be alive at any moment, tasting the lifeblood or marrow of the life takes as great courage that really few people actually ever manages to do it in their lives. Maybe there's some middle way, as to achieve level of happiness and life skills thats enough to be free from that constant desperate feel of being trapped and just watching one's life slipping away, moment by moment. For many addicts, I think share this feeling that I have got. But I did not want to hijack Musicman's journal. This talk about really facing up life's challenges just is so huge and tempting matter to discuss at length. I just wanted to add my thoughts in here, whatever they are worth.
Thanks fellas for your comments. Happy you are getting better Billy B. You are so right 40. And Titan no worries, these conversations are what we are all about here. @TheScriabin, your post really resonated with me as well. This week I've been wanting to post, but just couldn't quite put into words what I've been feeling. Today it kinda fell into place in my head. Now that I'm PMO free for the most part, I'm again facing other areas of my life that are really surfacing. I was reading this book (for the 50th time probably) called the untethered soul, and he stated something to the effect that if you want to know what is at the source of an addiction just dont give in to it and sit in that emotion and it will get real clear what it is you are using the addiction to numb... I know for me there has been this nagging feeling of this supreme accomplishment that I must achieve. It makes me fearful inside that I am running out of time on this earth and I may never discover what I was put here for, or that I will never put my mark on the world... Sometimes I feel like I was born with this fear or this drive... From my earliest thoughts I have been this way... This idea that I must achieve a certain level of success or just this level of perfection in my head, this man that I am supposed to become... When I dont give into my addictions, formerly PMO, or any time waster of choice, gaming or youtube surfing of binge watching sports, I feel the restless calling within me for meaning. I'm in my 40s and Im really feel that my life lacks true purpose... I have made significant strides in my personal development and I'm very grateful for that, yet there is still this unsettled part of myself that I am either running to or running from. When the security of my job is challenged I'm faced with that feeling intimately and I can feel my heart pound with fear that I may not be good enough... Whenever I sit to write some music or record something in my studio, I am faced with it intimately. I start to write something that feels great, only five minutes later I'm criticizing it and judging it to death, until I no longer like the song at all... Then I beat myself up to the point where I cannot create anything so no music ever really gets completed... When I am feeling particularly courageous, I sit in the fearful emotion and allow it to be there. I attempt to write or to live with purpose, but many times I'm left feeling like an imposter trying to be a true artist or a true adult. Consciously I know that I know that I can only achieve so much in life, and I will have to be ok with that, but there is still this other part of me that is hoping and sometimes working very hard for everything to come together before I get too old to do these things... My big break in music, or some miracle situation to come along where I'll be financially secure the rest of my life, etc... With all that being said, I'm not in a hopeless place mentally. Actually I feel optimistic right now. So thats a good thing. My relationship is growing and I'm grateful for that. Similar to my previous posts, my intention is to continue to live as courageous as possible. To feel my emotions and to continue to give my best and grow incrementally. To be loving to myself and not to expect too much and put so much pressure on myself that I want to quit... Just seeking to discover my level and to live it passionately... The words didnt quite flow out how I wanted them to, but it was close enough so I'll call it a night... Much love to all, One day at a time...
Wow, just loved reading your post Musicman. I think you hit on so many important issues so many men deal with as their mortality becomes unavoidable. Ouch, very uncomfortable place but I know personally that which you express. I love that you finish up with gratitude for your growing relationship and reminder to love yourself and not put so much pressure on. Perfectionism is a tough road for us all. Peace and love brother.
Thanks fcjl8. Peace and love back to you bro. Woke up extra early this morning. Just feeling very inspired and determined in the face of some pressure and work deadlines for this week. I can feel positive momentum inside rising again. I will again do more rejection therapy work this week and continue my work on overcoming more and more fears... Much love to all, One day at a time...
Musicman, I want to compliment you for writing so well. I'm feeling emotionally raw at the moment so I resonate with your words and what I sense is your heart behind these words. It's partly a cliche, but what is most important is a person's heart. You have a beautiful heart. Heart is more important than accomplishments. Living from what is true, honoring what is true, which I see you do in abundance, is the greatest gift a man can give to this world. I used to wrestle enormously with the question of finding my purpose. The one fallacy behind that belief is that there is one over-arching purpose in life, which must be uncovered and lived. By implication, if this purpose isn't fulfilled, I have failed. Maybe, life is far simpler? The purpose isn't one, static, unchanging thing. It's the flow of life. It's kissing your beloved on the cheek. It's expressing your thoughts here on this forum. In other words, every moment has its own purpose. For me, when I saw this, I didn't feel stressed about it anymore. It freed me up to be more present in a sense. In moments of clarity, it seems to me that life is so much simpler than our minds make it out to be. Those are my thoughts, which may or may not resonate with you. Regardless, I enjoy your honest, self-reflective writing. Be well.
Thank you for your kind words Newman8888. They resonate with me big time. I have found your words to be so true concerning that over-arching purpose in life... I completely agree that living in "the flow" of life is where the real magic lies. In the present moment. And like you said, in my moments of clarity, I have enjoyed some really beautiful moments with this mindset. Learning to expand my thoughts to be in this frame of mind more often to be able to be present in my daily interactions with life rather than being reactive and fear driven... I found myself feeling very light and free today within. I noticed that my responses to things that would normally elicit a defensive posture, I didnt even receive as threatening. I just responded to the light jab with a light jab of mine own back in conversation, no harm no foul... I'm starting to see, when there is a dark resevoir of insecurity and fear inside, so many things people do are perceived by myself as being offensive, when in reality, its just the filter I'm seeing them through.... Baby steps, Much love to all, One day at a time...
Thanks Saville. I often read your journal when I have no words of my own to post. It's always inspring, honest, hilarious and well written... I'm still awaiting the day you let us know you've finished your book Sir... You've got the gift of the written word for sure... Concerning my PMO healing journey I just wanted to share a few of the benefits I'm seeing in my life since my reboot. My mind is much more clear and alert. I am much more social and I feel much less need for secrecy. And the biggest impact, is that it made room for the relationship that I am currently in. As I look back I see that abstaining from PMO didn't directly do any of these things, but it did make room for these things to happen. A lot of hard work, cold showers, tears, discipline, love and mostly God's grace is the reason these new positive things are now a part of my daily life. I still feel the same fears, I still experience many of the same challenges, however I feel them at a better and more healthy place mentally. I am truly grateful for that. Rebooting will not solve all your problems, but it can certainly assist you in helping to create the life you want... I stand behind that 100%... In a very good place today. Much love to all One day at a time...
God's grace is a big factor for me in my battle. I can be very hard on myself over my past, my PMO use and addiction to it. I like this quote... "I do not understand Grace- only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us." Happy to read that you are in a good place. You deserve that. Stay well friend.
Thanks, Musicman. I have gotten over some hurdles in that regard and am now working on it. It has taken over a year to wrap my head around doing any writing. But, staying away from P and all the other sexual bullshit has given my mind the necessary peace to work. I agree with Newman and you about forgetting grandiose ideas of purpose. Getting on with the stuff in front of us, no matter how mundane, is what bears fruit. Anything else is rationalizing one's life away. We are here, we do stuff or we don't.
fcjl8. Beautiful quote and it perfectly explains grace. There have been times times I dont feel I deserve a break and things just work out. I had to grow to the point to even allow these moments in. I used to punish myself so hard when I failed in life, I even rejected Gods grace whenever it did present itself... I now feel worthy of grace and let it in when it presents itself to the best of my ability. Life is hard enough as it is..., I may as well enjoy the blessings that do come my way. Glad to hear that Saville. I love how you put that, getting on with the stuff in front of us, no matter how mundane is what bears fruit... Well said bro. I went outside this morning and spent about 15 min just taking in nature. Watching the trees move in the breeze and the small animals and birds all interacting with each other. It was a peaceful way to begin the day... I remind myself that when I was addicted to P, my brain could not fully take moments like this in... My intention for this weekend is to sit in that mundane place and do my work each day. To continue learning to love the process, rather than being a instant gratification junkie... Chasing shortcuts, is a path straight to addictions, as additions themselves are shortcut fixes to problems one cant handle... Much love to all, One day at a time...
Today I feel the need to speak out on some things I'm letting go of.... Today I am letting go of needing peoples affirmation to do things. I am letting go of the need to be great at everything I do, which in turns keeps me small because I only want to try at things I think I can be really good at (in the process of completing the CD project I've been putting off for years because I was too damn afraid of no one liking it and feeling insignificant as a result..., also considering looking for a new job). I am letting go of the fear of failure and the fear of looking stupid in front of others. I am giving myself permission to fail and to go out and give my best effort, and if it's not enough, to allow myself to go through the growing pains of the process of life. I am the only person who can decide my self-worth, no one can validate me as a man and give me worth... Today I am letting go of and allowing the extreme anxiety that comes with dealing with the unknown, to pass through me... The extreme anxiety that tries to take over me when I cant see my way out of a situation. The extreme anxiety I feel when people I love, who depend on me, cause me even more panic, because I feel terrified that I may not be able to provide for them the way I should or want to, and they may have to suffer as a result of my inability to be a strong man and provider... Today I am letting go of the desire to control everything. I'm letting go of the desire to want to call people way before I need to because inside I'm feeling insecure and I want to check on the status of things just to calm my mental state. Today I'm sitting in the middle of these panic filled emotions and I'm not reacting to them the way I have so many times in the past. I'm through sheer willpower and determination, choosing a different path. Choosing to breathe deeply and choosing to decide to act differently, in accordance with my true self and values... in spite of the fears and uncertainties inside. It's amazing how fear works. I am so well aquatinted with it, seems like I would have it down by now, but no. Every time I hit a crisis, it feels like it's the first time, and this crisis is worse than all the previous ones... Then my mind has a tendency to start spreading wildfires all over the place. Next thing I know my mind is so panicked I just want to be left alone and that's when I'm most vulnerable for PMO, gaming and other time wasters. Feeling grateful and thankful for the ability to share my truth and struggles, to see progress in my situation and for another day of life. Much love to all... One day at a time...
Musicman, this is so beautiful. I'm so moved and grateful and find such resonance in your writing. Thank you for being you.
Its been a while. Spent some time reading through recent posts. I'm very inspired to see so many of you still here and still working through your situations. Feeling very introspective today. What I'm understanding more and more about life is how life is a spiral. You get the same 24 hours each day; You are faced with the same challenges over and over, and hopefully you grow and mature and learn how to deal with those challenges in a better way, which can result in a higher quality of life. Since I posted last a LOT has happened in my life. I will credit God, the rebooting process and my love for personal development as the catalysts to many of positive changes in my life. The strange thing is, is that I still battle fear and anxiety daily I've just learned how to manage it better... When I started my reboot I was hopeful that once i completed it, that all of the fear and anxiety would magically go away once I got porn out of my life and out of my system. I wanted so badly to "feel" fearless... Well for me anyways, the fear and anxiety never left.... I've realized that everyone in life just has a different starting point. We all have things that we just struggle with and things that we naturally do well... For me I have never dealt well with fear and anxiety, they have always been so difficult for me to get a handle on... Over these past few years however I learned how to make better decisions with my time and with my life in spite of the fear and anxiety and those decisions have allowed for me to obtain more peace of mind and happy moments. But with that, I still have plenty of bad things that happen and frustrating moments, but I will say that the good has been outweighing the bad so I am very thankful for that... My mindset has gradually changed from "I don't think things will work out" (preparing for failure because I'm filled with anxiety and fear) to "I will find a way" (expecting things to be somehow ok regardless if things are bad or good)... After my longest streak with no PMO, I felt detached from it completely, it was then I realized that it was never really about porn, porn was just the addiction that fit my life at that time to hide from reality. I think its kind of like people who chase money to find happiness, only to find when they are millionaires, that they are still unhappy. When I stopped looking at porn, I found that I still wasnt happy and I still needed to create a life I could be proud of, and to create a life that would bring me happiness and fulfillment...at first I found myself just switching to a new addictions like video games, or to something else to escape reality. Wanting to escape reality and feeling helpless to change my situation was the root of my problem... Not feeling self love and self fulfillment made me into a coward who wanted to hide in the warm comfortable bath of escaping reality through addiction.... To break free from any addition it takes an incredible amount of courage and strength of character. That is why I am so grateful for this forum, I draw strength from all of the posts here. Every person has his own unique challenges and situation they must face, and they must find a way through it... Over the past year I feel that I have really grown in my ability to love myself through challenges and changes. Instead of beating myself up when I make a poor decision and making things worse by wallowing in self pity and frustration, I immediately just go with it and focus on what I can do to learn from my mistake... I've learned to stop fighting myself so much. There are still some areas of my life that I just suck at and I just allow them to suck... I know that I cant be perfect at everything, and it takes so much mental energy to focus on too many things at once, so I make a list, prioritize the areas of my life that are the most important and just focus on making sure those areas are taken care of to the best of my ability... My personal relationship with God, my kids, my girlfriend, my job, my family, etc... Of course I still do have relapses, and I start feeling like all the walls are caving in at the same time, but all the work with meditation and challenging fear that I've done over the past few years has really helped me in those moments. I've learned to breathe deeply into the fear AS I'm TAKING ACTION to fix whatever needs action at that time... Sometimes I can just barely walk or talk I'm so afraid, but I've learned that fear cannot actually hurt you. Its all in your mind so if you just force your body to take action, you will eventually get through it if your willing to confront that demon head on... I remember during some of my fear work my voice would literally shake when talking to some people, just because of how uncomfortable I was in those situations, but over time it got better. Was very similar to the feeling I felt when I went skydiving which was my #1 fear for a long time... Theres something strangely liberating about jumping into a situation that you are terrified of... That moment when you actually do it does something to your mind... When you come out on the other side you have a different level of respect for yourself, than if you would have turned around with your tail between your legs in fear... And as a man it has helped me to feel more powerful and confident. Once I determine that an action is needed for me to grow and develop in a key area of my life, then I begin to take action on it someway, somehow. Period, regardless of how I feel, and that has helped so much... The challenge for me is to continue allowing myself to feel the fear and to do what I know is good for me, what is healthy, anyways... To be a professional at a job one must show up every day despite how they feel and perform a task, same thing with being a good parent. I will continue to keep learning how to do this, until I die. Sometimes I still have this nagging fear in the back of my mind, of running out of time and not getting my life together before I get too old to really make any real changes...But I let those thoughts go daily... I'm at the place where I'm ok with who I am today. I will continue to work to become a better version of myself, but if I cant reach this super high level or achieve this amazing purpose, I'm ok. Its soooo exhausting being motivated by fear...so I choose love... Whatever my effort yields me I will accept... and thats ok with me. Even if it looks like garbage to someone else... I feel ok with that. I have let go of wanting life to be other than it really is for me. I accept and embrace my reality and I pray for the strength and courage to continue to face life's challenges as they come... One day at a time... Much love to all...
This thought has been growing in my mind lately too. Ditching porn allows us to get our houses in order- and start behaving in ways that are consistent with our deepest beliefs. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us MM.
oh wow. Wow! I am just about in tears reading this. I identify with your struggles with fear and anxiety so much and feel like we are at similar places in our processing of that, but you put it into words so eloquently. Your post gives me courage and inspiration today. I'm going to quote some of it in one of my journals so I don't forget it. Thank you.
