^You articulate perfectly what I go through Musicman, so I can relate to this 100%. I don't think I have a responsible adult relationship to failure. My ego plays a big part in this, expecting life to come easy because I thought my musical skills would just solve all my problems. But this isn't over-confidence, it's the total opposite. Lacking the emotional tools to deal with life, I have always fantasised that my great talent will help see me through. These realisations depress me, as during this phase I have lost all belief in hope, luck, the stars, good fortune, or indeed that there is anything beautiful about life, as it all seems like an uphill struggle, a place where only weeds will grow unless you get out there and continually clear them away. I see only the harsh realities of life, and believe the odds are stacked against me to change, despite my best efforts. I'm now even suspicious of the times I choose to relax, because anything that brings the slightest comfort, spending time with familiar people, going for walks, reading a book, spending time with my hobbies, they all seem to be childish or avoidant to some degree, and life isn't supposed to be comfortable, especially if one wishes to grow. It takes such motivation to get me to face fears, that I expect to be instantly rewarded somehow for my efforts, with positive emotions, forgetting than successful people fail time and time again. I find it hard to believe that most people are also experiencing the fears and doubts that I am experiencing, but that they are just more self-disciplined and mature, because believing this would inconveniently mean my having to remove my greatest excuse, that I am somehow a unique victim, rather than a person who is actually completely in control of their life, but who is too afraid to grow up. Sending love back to you. What you wrote really resonated with me.