The trajectory of your recovery has been epic. You've written about your struggles eloquently and honestly. Many here have, and will continue to, derive great inspiration and knowledge from your journal. I am just so happy for you MM. It is, indeed, time for you to leave the forum, at least for the most part. The forum has done its job for you and there are many here who carry the torch and can lend a hand where needed. Great message to start the New Year, MM. All the best!
Hey MM something deep has clicked inside you. It is a pleasure to follow your journey. What I learn from you is that everyone has their own journey it is just a question of sticking to it and the aha moment will come. Wishing you lots of love, laughter and confidence and trust to deal with the not so good times. Love ya
MM, congrats on the new relationship and the new-found confidence! It's inspiring! Best of luck and continued success...keep us posted on the coming victories
Hey brothers, thanks for all the encouraging comments! Just dropping by to let yall know how things are going. I have been more centered and focused over the past few months than I have been in a long time. I'm feeling very authentic and supported in my new relationship. The sex is great and our communication is great. Shes not perfect and neither am I but its the perfect situation for where I am in my life right now and I am very grateful and thankful for that. I'm sticking to my motto of "One day at a time" and just taking things slow as I dont want to rush into anything really serious, but so far its going great. As a man I'm learning how important it is to manage my emotional states and to be a source of stability and structure for my relationship as well as for my kids. I have been tempted to look at porn and I have a few times, but I dont feel so attached to it anymore now that I'm having good sex. I am remaining vigilant however because I know the temptation will always be there to become an addict again...The good thing is, is that she arouses me much more than porn and I have had no ED problems at all with her. Our sex has been connected and very passionate. For me I feel as all my past ED stemmed putting way to much pressure on myself, allowing myself to be put in uncomfortable situations, not communicating my truth openly and honestly, and from also having a lot of conflicting beliefs in my head going on. I feel as if I have ironed out most of the conflicting beliefs in my head concerning my spirituality, purpose for being here on this earth and what I really want out of life. And that has helped tremendously in how I show up on a daily basis... Hope all is well with everyone, and I'll keep you all in my prayers. Much love to all, One day at a time...
Hello brothers. It's been a while... Just wanted to drop in and say hello. Well the relationship I told some of you all about prior to my departure really has blossomed into something special. I'm still taking things slow but it has great future potential. As far as the PMO stuff I am happy to report to say that the rebooting prepared me for this relationship. I am in a healthy sexual relationship for the first time in my life. Its amazing. I have no PMO related problems at all anymore. PMO has lost its flair to me and as of now there is no desire for it as the real thing feels so much more superior... But with that being said I'm not allowing it to fool me into thinking that I'm cured for good because i know that its lurking and always waiting to try and take control. I consider myself very blessed to have found someone compatible spiritually, mentally and sexually. Just want to send some encouragement out there to anyone who may be struggling to stay with it. It took me over 30 years and trying everything under the sun to get here, and although its not perfect and I have no idea what the future may hold, its much better than where I was. Much love to all and God bless... One day at a time...
Huge congrats on your relationship and where you at spiritually. You've been, and still are, a true soldier and leader. Thanks for the wonderful update!
PMO has totally lost it's flair for me as well...I admit I have peeked a couple of times in the past 6 months, it just looks silly to me, there is absolutely no buzz or pull, my brain recognizes it as fake. But you couldn't be more right, we will always have the part of us that is susceptible to sliding back into active addiction...just be aware of that and vigilant and you'll be great. Happy to hear about your relationship!
Thanks Saville and 40! It's interesting to me how addictions change shapes. Since I have been in this relationship my desire for porn has really pretty much diminished to none however my desire to lose myself in gaming and other time wasters has really intensified. I know that my brain still loves to lose itself in a fantasy world for hours. Now more than ever its important for me to stay connected to my purpose and goals to keep growing and moving forward in my life. One thing that I've really had to work on is learning to be sensitive to more loving in my relationships. I came from an upbringing where my love and good heart was used and manipulated very frequently. There was rarely a moment that I felt safe and secure. Now that I'm in a loving relationship I have to really watch myself and refrain from overreacting to things that appear to be manipulation or disrespect. Not even realizing it, I developed a hypersensitivity to these things and a part of me became really defensive and cold to keep myself from getting hurt. Now I realize that in an attempt to keep myself from getting hurt, I become the person doing the hurting when I act like this. I'm learning that one only needs to be defensive around someone who is a real threat. But once you find someone who really loves you, the defenses need to come down or you will do to them what you are trying to keep from happening to you... Part of my child's brain wants all of these challenges to just stop at some point. I wanted the PMO reboot to be a cureall for all my problems... There is a part of me that feels like life is so unfair and I want to difficulties to end at some point...but thats where I have to just tell the child in me to man up, and do what needs to be done today... Once I got into this relationship a part of me started expecting things to get easier and when lifes challenges just kept coming I started feeling an inner frustration.... They didn't get easier, they just changed shapes and morphed into new challenges. Now a new challenge for me is being a good partner and error correcting as I move forward in this relationship. Much of this is new territory to me... I'm still dealing with inner insecurities and fears that if are left uncorrected will lead be back down unhealthy paths. Any good thing in life, like a garden, takes daily maintenance and care to keep in good condition. I just have to remind myself that a man just gets up and does what he needs to do, regardless of how he feels... He is a source of stability and he learns to trust his own words by actually doing the things he says he will do... I'm having to really remind myself of this today as I have slipped into a place where many of my decisions are feeling based rather than principle based. The irony is that I feel so much better when I do the responsible thing, and I feel like crap when I do what feels easy... I did some meditation and prayer and went over my goals/purpose this weekend and I immediately started feeling better. My intention for this week is to be more loving in my relationships, to relax and smile more in the face of anxiety....in spite of the changing climates at work, in spite of the relational challenges I may face, in spite of lifes uncertainties. I have no power over what happens outside of me, but I can choose how I will show up daily... To stay connected to my Source. Letting go of perfectionism and just showing up as authentic as I can... One day at a time... Much love to all...
Hey brothers, the older I get the more I'm learning that being an adult is just a constant process of meeting and dealing with challenges as they arise. Its really repetitive in that way. There is this part of me that whines and complains and wishes that these problems would just go away... This process of being an adult and being responsible for my energy and my attitude everyday sucks sometimes. Especially when things happen that arent fair... The child in me starts looking around and it seems that there are so many people who have more than I have, are doing better than I'm doing, are more mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually healthier than I am... This emotionally unstable part of me is constantly battling within my mind for control. Whenever I have a season where I'm doing well, then it really becomes fearful that I will lose what I have attained and when things suck, it tells me they will never get better... Its goal is to get me to give up, to discourage me. I have recognized that that part of me is my enemy. For this week my intention is to stand in the face of adversity, work through my challenges as they come, and not run. To flex my courage muscles. I can tell when I'm running from problems internally. My energy becomes very frantic. I seek to eliminate problems rather than working through them systematically. I put unrealistic expectations on myself and others to ease the fears within me. This energy puts me at risk for PMO or gaming as an escape... Much love to all, One day at a time...
