Musicman Journal 2.0

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Musicman 2.0, Nov 13, 2016.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Merry Christmas, M! And congrats on hitting 40 days!
    I was thrilled to read your post. Having dealt with anxiety around women I like for my whole life, I'm really inspired by your story, which I completely relate to. And that book sounds great.
    You're on the right path. Doing the right things. Take comfort in knowing that, no matter what the future brings.
    I'm really proud of you.
  2. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    What an inspiring post. Thank you!
  3. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    Merry C, M.
  4. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Thanks G.

    MarstonS, I most definately will!

    Hello brothers. Awesome weekend!! Ms Healthy and I made love over the weekend and it was spontaneous. I had a little moment of being unsure as I started losing my erection when I stopped to put a condom on, but after resuming activities and re-engaging, my erection returned and I finished with no problems. I was a little in my head and thinking, but I was able to just let go and enjoy the moment. We just laid there holding each other for about 20 min after I came. Was the most emotionally connected moment I've had in a very long time. I have had sex a few times post divorce but it was so emotionally disconnected I didn't want that anymore... Its been a few days since then and emotionally I've been back and forth. I think honestly I'm a little afraid about that connection, a little worried inside that I may not perform as well next time and a little worried if this is what I really want... I started to have some irrational thoughts like "It wasnt even that good" Which definately wasnt the case. I really enjoyed it... During the last few days I have felt like I want to just be left alone and be solitary, and other times I want to be close to her again. Had a strong desire to look at PMO yesterday to comfort myself as I was feeling a little nervous and anxious about where things will go from here. But I recognize that is just PMO trying to trick me back into its arms... All of what is transpiring is way outside of my comfort zone. Video games and porn allows the user to control ever second of the interaction. You can quit or start whenever you want. Dealing with real people in the real world has so many more elements attached. They get attitudes, they get sick, they get periods, all kinds of things happen with real people, positive and negative. The main difference is that a real person can love (or hate) back and since I'm looking to add love into my life this is the risk I will continue to take...

    Another thing I realized that I do which is totally unrealistic, is that I expect myself to always be in the mood or to be ready to have sex at any moment. Thinking this way makes me fearful, nervous and irritable... When I feel like this instead of communicating how I'm feeling I just shut down and disappear and I want to be left alone. I am extremely vulnerable to PMO during these times because I feel shame during these times. I'm not sure where I picked this habit up in my life but I just feel like a guy should always want sex and should always be ready to get it on at any moment. Most likely I got it from watching porn... I am now learning how to honor myself with that also. If I dont feel like having sex I dont have to and I dont have to feel any shame concerning that....

    One more thing I'm learning to overcome is the desire to make permanent decisions off of temporary emotions. I start feeling pressured in relationships, and I start feeling like I'm going to lose myself or lose my independence so I just shut down completely and cut off whoever it is in my life. Part of what I'm working on during meditation and in my relationships is remaining open during difficult times. Not closing myself off and withdrawing internally. Stay open, stay in the game, dont give up, dont quit when things get uncomfortable. Keep communicating and grow through the situation instead of withdrawing and hiding from the situation...

    Its moments like these where I have to grab my nuts and remind myself that I am the I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

    Like I have stated countless times before I'm continuing my work with uncertainty, and having a clear purpose to serve as an anchor when my energy is all over the place. Whenever I stay true to my highest beliefs, regardless of how I feel, I alway feel better in the end. Those temporary emotions always pass and when I come back to my senses and I always feel glad when I make decisions congruent with my true self... I was watching some of my favorite sports talk shows today and I thought to myself..."No one is safe from being bashed publically no matter how nice the person is". For so much of my life I have tried so hard to live in such a way as to not offend anyone. I grew up with this hypersensitivity to peoples feelings and emotions and I have always tried extremely hard to be non-offensive... I'm getting much better at letting that go...

    Moving forward I know that shes not perfect and neither am I but I do really feel she is a genuine person and genuinely cares for me. Not sure if this will end in us being in a long term relationship or not, but I am going to continue giving and receiving love... and I'll continue learning as I go..

    Much love to all...

    One day at a time...
  5. BeyondReady

    BeyondReady Member

    Awesome post Musicman! I have always seen so much of myself in your posts to they always help me. Keep up the great work!!!
  6. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Onward and upwards Captain!
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Your growth and courage continue to inspire. Proud of you, bro, for keeping it real.
  8. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Much thanks fellas.

    Wishing everyone a blessed and prosperous 2017 my brothers!!

    Much love...

    One day at a time
  9. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member


    MusicMan growth in action. Your thoughts move me. The gentleness in which you approach yourself and your new relationship are like nectar to my soul.

    Wishing you the best 2017!
  10. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

  11. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!


    I've learned that it makes no sense to argue with anyone about anything in this recovery walk.

    Because inevitably, the argue-ers all want to quit within a short time anyway. It's wasted effort.

    That's good to know.
  12. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Sup G.

    Bobjes thank you for your words Sir!

    I spent some time this morning going over my journal(s) for the past few years and revising my goals for 2017. I have grown in a lot of areas and I'm grateful for that. The main area I still need serious healing in is dealing with anxiety and insecurity. So I will continue the rejection training, reading and other things I've been doing to continue progressing in that area...Not running from situations that cause anxiety in my life, sitting with them, remaining present and breathing into the areas of my body that are the most tense and afraid, until they pass has really helped...This past month I've done a much better job of letting PMO related thoughts pass through also and not allowing my mind to see them as an option to self soothe...

    I am grateful to be in the midst of a nice beginning streak again and also in a loving supportive relationship. I've never had both going at the same time so this is all uncharted territory for me. One of my main reboot goals for this year is to recondition my mind and body sexually. I am hopeful the combination of being in a supportive relationship combined with the reboot can further help bring healing in this area.

    Much love to all...

    One day at a time...
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2017
  13. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    A great place to be!
  14. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    I can totally relate! I think we're probably both getting better at sitting with these uncomfortable feelings. Well done!
  15. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Thanks Billy B!!

    Good afternoon brothers. Last night was rough sleeping. I had been eating really poorly over the holiday break. Last night I just felt poorly because of the unhealthy meal I ate at dinner. I also was getting hit with a barrage of anxious thoughts. I was finally able to return to sleep and slept decent after that. I took today off work so I decided to let today be a fresh start back on my healthy eating lifestyle. I went out and purchased the food necessary to make my normal healthy meals that allow me to feel at my best. Just after a few meals today I am already feeling much better. Also being in this new relationship I'm learning how to flow with the different life events that come up. Having children who dont live with me can be a challenge at times. I still have disagreements with thier mom at times and I have really had to work on my communication skills and we have really grown in our ability to respect each other's personal lives and opinions when it comes to co-parenting our children. I feel very blessed for the progress we have made in that area.

    I'm finally at a place in this current streak where I do not desire PMO. I felt a little dead sexually these past few days but when I'm with my girl or on the phone with her I am easily aroused... Still not getting rock hard erections, but I'll take what I can get now until I get further removed from PMO...

    Concerning my new relationship I'm seeing how different situations create anxiety within me. Like I often discuss anxiety remains to be my biggest daily challenge. Feeling out of control usually results in extreme anxiety within me. I start to feel trapped like a rat in an experiment and I just start freaking out. Catastrophizing everything...In the past I have made some terrible decisions in this state... One thing I use now, that really helps me deal with those types of anxious feelings is reminding myself that at any moment I have the power to do whats best for myself regardless of what happens. I gather my thoughts, decide what's best for me and then I act. I have learned enough to where I feel that the decisions I have been making lately concerning my overall life and this relationship have been mostly positive and I feel that we have really good chemistry.

    I have a few goals sexually that I would like to accomplish someday soon... I discussed this in my last journal. My biggest goal is to have completely effortless connected love making. Secondly I want to be able to communicate my desires sexually and teach my partner how to please me sexually without feeling insecure about it in any way... I was readings Savilles post about wanting that "epic BJ" one day. I too have that wish. I have had several decent ones but never one that came close to even making me come. This relationship is going to be interesting going forward. I want to be able to communicate that to her and for us to explore different areas and to actually learn how to enjoy some of those sexual experiences...

    Moving forward in faith, hope and love always...

    Much love to all...

    One day at a time...
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2017
  16. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Great stuff! Excellent for me to read about the positive benefits of recovery as I'm in something of slump at the mo'. I think it was 40 who told me he had some major issues with fatigue in the seventies. That may be what's going on for me. It's a journey, up and down, but even in my darkest moments I can usually manage a smile at the fact that I have been clean this long and that I can look fwd to feeling better and better. Good for you, MM! I'm so stoked to see you gettin' to share some good lovin'. Have you read about Karezza?
  17. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Billy, yea fatigue can be rough, but I'm glad you are able to manage a smile and see the positive in the struggle. 40 is a wealth of info, I have also learned much from him.

    I have read about Karezza and I'm interested to try that also. I know for me removing that pressure of having to finish could allow for a much more enjoyable free-flowing experience. Right now in a place of learning and exploration...

    One day at a time...
  18. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    I went to the beach this eve with a couple friends. That'll cheer anyone up. :)

    Actually, that's not quite true, as I have been at the beach with friends before and still been a miserable bastard!!

    Pretty sick back then, though. I think I manage my depression a lot better these days.

    Soooooo bloody good to be off the PMO!!

    And 49 days for you, Mate!

    Not to be sniffed at.

    One day at time adds up! ;)
  19. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Soooo bloody good to be off the PMO indeed Billy!! One day at a time definitely adds up. That is and will always be my motto... Man I love the beach as well. Always puts me in a great mood.

    Well brothers, this is going to be goodbye for a while. I have finally reached my goal for coming here. Last Feb 27th I started my first journal on this site, I went over 6 months pretty much out the gate, after over 20 years of trying to quit and failing. But the combination of the support of the men I met on here as well as continuing to read learn and grow, I slowly developed a system that I feel has allowed me to get to where I am now. I am now in a committed loving intimate and healthy relationship. Its not perfect, but its perfect for me if that makes sense. The thing I love most about this relationship is that I'm not moving any faster or slower than I want to. And sexually I finally had that moment I was looking for. I finally made love without being in my head. My erection was rock hard and I had absolutely no problems from start to finish. So I'm not leaving for good, but just going to live life in this relationship and I'll stop in periodically to see how my bros are doing and also provide updates. I hope my story can inspire someone who may feel like quitting to keep hope alive, stay with it. For most of my life (over 30 years) I have felt helpless that I would never get where I am now. Its amazing how fast things can change if you are prepared when the opportunity presents itself. To all of my brothers on here that were there to uplift me when I was down and who had positive comments along the way I cant say thank you enough for you time and energy along this journey. You know who you are and from the bottom of my heart I truly say much love and I am so grateful for each one of you...

    And you know how I roll...

    One day at a time...
  20. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Great news, mate!

    Good best of luck to you, MM.

    And yes, your story is an inspiration.

    Stay gold and please, do drop in and update occasionally.

    Peeeeeeeeeas (and carrots), till next time soooooon.

    Billy B.

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