Musicman Journal 2.0

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Musicman 2.0, Nov 13, 2016.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Your post has got me smiling MM. How beautiful that you are embracing the ride. Hell, yeah, it can be scary, but how invigorating to take a chance on your remarkable self. Yup, still smiling. :)
     
  2. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    What up Beastmode?! You still killing it in the gym? I had a pretty serious injury at the gym so I'm down for a while. Hope to get back at it in a few months. But I'll need to lift smarter not harder this time. Have to take better care of my body as I'm getting older. Not healing up from these injuries like I did 10 years ago...;) On a positive note, this has led me to begin meditating much more, exercising my mental muscles and its been pretty awesome.

    Thanks Billy. Declutter your mind is by S.J. Scott and Barrie Davenport. Listened to it on Audible. Finished it today. Had a lot of really helpful tips. Mental training is just as important (if not more) as physical training I'm really understanding that more now than ever. Working on training my mind to be more efficient and resilient. I'm finding that I'm less anxious and more focused when my mind is better organized. Sounds so simple when I explain it that way, yet seems so hard to actually do at times...lol.

    Thanks Saville. Your comments mean a lot. Man, we've been walking this journey for a while now... Feels damn good to see some continued progress in this area...


    Been dealing with some pretty serious physical pain over this past week but working my way through it. Had been wanting to post and had sat down several days to post on others pages but just didn't have any words so I honored that... Today was absolutely awesome. Had a challenge at work I had to deal with, I rose to the occasion and handled my business. Faced a huge dragon and slayed that biatch...lol. Also my communications with Ms. Healthy have been very organic and natural. I'm feeling a genuine physical and mental attraction to (I like the sound of that...:cool::cool:) My anxiety concerning sexual situations or concerning PIED are slowly dissipating as I'm finding myself communicating honestly and openly and I feel she is doing the same. I'm starting to see when two people genuinely communicate fear goes away. As fear and love cannot exist within the same space... This is the most genuine I have ever shown up to begin a relationship, and I'm liking it. Still taking my time, not in a rush, just enjoying the process... We'll see where it goes... Through the bad times, and though the good. Thanks brothers for always being here....I pray for all of you that you continue to reach your goals in becoming the best version of yourselves...

    You know how I roll bros...

    One day at a time...
     
    devnull and Billy B. like this.
  3. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    In a great rhythm right now. My mind feels so much more clear without PMO and with the increased meditation. I feel much more centered and ready to deal with changing life circumstances...

    Much love to all...

    One day at a time...
     
    Billy B. and devnull like this.
  4. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Glad to hear it.

    And good best of luck with Ms Healthy. I like that "This is the most genuine I have ever shown up to begin a relationship..." Big changes afoot! :)
     
  5. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    Really happy for you MM. Keep moving forward. Embrace the moments.
     
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey there, M. It's been awhile. Things sound like they're going really well. I'm inspired by your determination. Enjoy the process, bud. You're doing great!
     
  7. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

    M

    You're my hero. For real. You have a friend for life.

    G
     
  8. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    It sounds like you're swimming with the flow, Musicman. Great to hear:)
     
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It all sounds cool, brother. :)
     
  10. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    The new journal worked. :)
    Welcome to the new MM. ;)

    Much love and flow to you.
     
  11. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

  12. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Morning Brothers! Billy, Marston, Bobjes, Saville, NCB, Moz, Jam, thanks for the comments!! And G I feel the exact same way bro...

    It has been a very challenging yet very rewarding week indeed!! I am very happy to report that things are progressing well with Ms. Healthy! In conjunction with staying away from PMO, I have really been doing a lot of study and work on showing up in my masculine as a man more often and being true to myself. It really has been reaping rewards in my work and personal life. It feels scary as hell at times because it still feels so foreign to me at times. At times I feel selfish for doing what I want all the time. I think I'm finding a much better balance at doing things for others and doing things that make me happy. I am such a naturally giving person, in the past I would always do too much then end up feeling resentful and angry. I was extremely very passive aggressive. Somewhere along the journey (in conjunction with reading Mr. Nice Guy over and over) I learned that my giving was really a form of control and manipulation. I was just being nice so people would be a certain way to me in return... Now I feel as if I am much more assertive in my dealings with people. Especially with Ms. Healthy. There have been several occasions for me to show up as my old nice guy self, and I caught myself and replaced that coward with my true authentic self. I stood my ground on things without getting an attitude and she responded so positively it surprised me. I'm learning for the first time in my life how to stand my ground on things without having to be angry and actually having a fun playful attitude with it. (It's like I'm having this epiphany that I can be strong and confident without being a dick!! :p:p:cool::cool:LMAO) Getting angry and frustrated kills attraction in a relationship. Being playful and staying centered and focused encourages it. Such a slight change in my behavior but it is reaping many rewards. There is plenty of fear inside of me that I will mess this up at some point, but thats ok... I have resolved to continue forward and just learn as I go and grow... mistakes and all. I choose today to love all of me whatever may come...

    Lifes not perfect, but it feels good to be seeing some growth and I'm very grateful for it...

    Still dealing with this nagging injury and dealing with a lot of pain most days, but it is slowly healing and improving...

    Much love to all...

    One day at a time...
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  13. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Just what the doctor ordered. Lovin it MM. Thanks M8.

    bear hug to u!

    ;):)
     
  14. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Thanks Bobjes. Hug back at you bro.

    Today was interesting. A very productive day overall but feeling unsettled. I've been gaming some so I'm pretty sure that's part of it. I also have some big plans for this week and I'm feeling a bit nervous inside. A part of me wants to self-medicate with PMO to take the edge off... Decided to post instead. Going to have some tea, meditate and then go to bed. Hope all had a good day.

    Much love to all...

    One day at a time...
     
  15. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

     
  16. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Thanks Billy B. I hadnt really been looking at my streak, but yes its nice to see it stretchin out... Your doing awesome at over 60 days!

    Today again my energy feels all over the place. Really fragmented. I know I need to meditate, pray, and go over my goals and affirmations when I get like this. PMO is not an option... To stay connected to my breathing and stay connected to my purpose and not lose my center as a man. My mind and body has been trained for many years to retreat and hide when I am afraid. To turn into a nice guy, beta male... There is still a big part of me that is afraid of being judged for not being good enough... What I'm focused on teaching myself now is to continue moving forward when I feel like this. To let my purpose continue to be my anchor although I may be pulled back and forth by emotions. To allow people to see my true authentic self and if they judge me, thats thier problem, but to allow myself to be me in spite of criticism or encouraging words... If I make mistakes so be it...I'll learn as I go... So simple to articulate, yet so difficult for me to do... But, I will continue to do it regardless of how I feel...

    Learning as I go...

    One day at a time...
     
  17. Gabriel1960

    Gabriel1960 Self-Actualization Rocks!!!

  18. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Sup G.

    This has been a very up and down week. Mostly positive however I noticed that my focus had started becoming very reactionary. Although things were going well with my new ladyfriend, I noticed our conversations starting to kind of become blah. I lost focus on what I was going into the relationship for, and things started just drifting sideways... When I become fearful in other areas of my life I have a tendency to start going through the motions in my personal relationships, I'm there but mentally I'm not really present. Instead of really focusing in on what I want and who I am I have a tendency to become a people pleaser and not really have an opinion on things... One thing that has really helped me is reading of listening to 10 min of personal development each day. I was able to catch myself this morning and realize I was going into zombie mode and my old fears had started to run on autopilot. Another thing that has really helped me is, instead of beating myself up when I realize I am making a mistake or going down the wrong path, is the affirmation that "At any moment I can choose to instantly connect to who I really am...". This has really helped me to let go of whatever unhealthy path I was on and immediately start on the healthy path once again... I sometimes feel as when I make bad decisions, like relapsing with PMO, that everything is ruined, so I may as well just continue down the destructive path... Being able to let these kinds of thoughts go and get back to healthy decisions is paramount for me...

    I have always had a challenge with leadership, and part of being a man is learning how to be a leader. Whether its leading a family, on the job or in an intimate relationship. I have to be conscious of where I am going and what I want at all times or I will just end up somewhere, and months later I'll look up like how the hell did I get here??? So today its all about recalibrating, refocusing on who I am and what I am really about. My purpose I feel in life is to simply be an extension of Gods love to the best of my ability. I let so many things get in the way of that at times, but I always feel better when I reconnect. I have learned through the years that love shows up in so many forms, sometimes its tough love, saying no, being strong, showing compassion, getting up after failing, forgiving myself or others, staying away from toxic people, whatever I need to do to build myself up or build others up in a healthy way... And the intention behind the action is always for mine or the other person's highest good. Thats who I am and thats what I am about. Its not about manipulation, control, fear, worry, anxiety... When I'm feeling those emotions for long periods I know it's time for a course change...

    In regards to PMO, I have had some soreness in my nuts. Probably some blue balls going on...lol. I find myself getting easily aroused even just on phone conversations with my ladyfriend. No sex yet in this relationship, but I'm taking things slow so we'll see what happens.

    Recalibrating and refocusing this morning. Learning and growing one day at a time... Wishing all a great day.

    Much love to all,

    One day at a time...
     
  19. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    Something is starting to click inside me. I touched on this in my previous journal but good feelings are the result of good decision over a period of time. I'm more and more understanding the importance of staying with good solid decisions daily until the results start to be consistent. I havent been perfect but I've done pretty well over this past month at really staying focused on my priorities and staying away from PMO related activities. I'm seeing how my emotional energy fluctuates around those decisions, but if I make enough solid decisions I live a much more stable life. Having a major challenge with anxiety, its important that I make solid decisions that dont further exacerbate my natural predisposition for severe anxiety. Today started on a really bad note emotionally, but I was able to just stay with my daily disciplines until things broke and I was able to relax and get into a nice rhythm. Feeling much better now and much more centered. For me 90% of my this battle is in the mind.

    I was really inspired by Jams last epic post I read the other day... So blessed again to be a part of this community.

    Much love to all...

    One day at a time...
     
  20. Musicman 2.0

    Musicman 2.0 This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon...

    First let me say Merry Christmas to all my brothers here. Its been a blessing to be on this journey with you through the ups and downs. I have learned a lot since beginning my reboot process in February. As I get further away from PMO and learning more about myself I'm seeing that I dont need other people to sign off on my life experiences for them to be validated anymore. It feels good to be able to make decisions concerning my life, state my purpose, and to not be affected when there is no one there to celebrate what I'm doing or to be there to support me. I feel as if I am truly beginning to be a strong independent man. My mindset moving forward is "I'd love for you to celebrate me and come with me on my journey, but I dont need your approval if you dont want to...and thats ok". I feel much more grounded in my beliefs and yet I'm still open to learn and grow from others. I'm learning how to share my beliefs with confidence and not feel threatened by others when they disagree. I am also so grateful for the relationship I am in now. Its been a little over a month now since we've been dating and it is progressing well. The intimacy with her feels very organic and I am showing up as my authentic self. Just going to continue taking it one day at a time and not get into any rush to force it to be anything. Again I give much credit to the book "How to Be a 3% Man" for teaching me how to show up more in my masculine and not ruin attraction once the dating process starts...

    It is truly amazing how one's life can open up once PMO is not consuming ones time... Abstaining from PMO didnt directly change my life, but it did provide the space and time needed for me to create the life I wanted... I went to the park yesterday and brought some food. I just sat there eating, listening to some beautiful smooth jazz and taking nature in. Breathing deeply the oxygen rich air supplied by all the green trees. I was just present, enjoying life and it felt amazing. I remember when I was addicted to PMO I could not have moments like this. My mind would be constantly running from thought to thought, and I'd be always scheming for when I could get more PMO in.

    Another positive thing about where I am right now is that I don't feel consumed by a desperate need to have sex with Ms. Healthy. I feel so much more comfortable in my skin and the intimate moments we share kissing and being close feel very real and solid. In the past my mind would be all over the place and I wouldn't be present in the moment... We spent a few hours the other day just kissing and making out and it was awesome. Although I do get really horny still, I want the sex with her to be natural, not rushed or forced. In the past I think part of my PIED stemmed from me not honoring my own body. I was never in touch with what I really wanted or needed. I was just playing out some script of how I thought a man should show up sexually in a relationship and since my mind was full of PMO related thoughts and images, my instincts as a man were all F'd up... Anxiety would fill my mind about trying to be a perfect lover or these sexual experiences I wanted to have but reality always left me short of perfection and I'd get frustrated and embarrassed or whatever... Through meditation, reading, and getting clear about who I am and what I really want right now, I just feel overall much more secure within myself. Letting reality and the present moment just be enough... Focusing on staying present and learning how to just flow with the present moment is really helping me stay in reality and not get caught up into irrational thinking. PMO, I know was one of the main things that fed into my irrational thinking and behavior. Its such a cheap easy and fake way to get my emotional and sexual need met and it always leaves me wanting more of something fake. When we do have sex my focus is to just let it flow naturally. Not to judge my or her performance, but just to show up as our authentic selves and just be in the moment. All this is new to me so I'm learning as I'm going. Very grateful for these moments... As always my old friend anxiety is lurking in the background telling me that I will mess it all up... And thats ok... I know that I must grow and learn in spite of my old mindset trying to pull me back... So I press forward anyways, learning and growing...

    Much love to all...

    One day at a time...
     

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