Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks for this, BaldrRising,
    I've only gotten to 30 days 3 times since I joined here many years ago. Unfortunately, I fell back into the habit right afterwards, each time. So something kept me coming back.
    Like any addict, I think, the main hurdle is to make a commitment and stick to it. Like you say, it's as easy as changing your mind. This is the only vice I have that has such a powerful vise grip on me. I can control my other vices much better.
    I do want to get there. It's up to me.
     
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  2. BaldrRising

    BaldrRising Member

    Mozenjo,

    Going 30 days 3 times is quite an amazing accomplishments. The fact you can put up with that 3 times shows you can do it again, and again, and again.....

    Like you, this is a vice that has gotten to me. I can't say that I don't drink, but I haven't had a drink in over 2 years.

    Whatever it is you want to achieve, I'll be cheering for you.
     
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  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks, man. I appreciate it. And good for you for staying away from alcohol for so long!
    As for what I want to achieve, it's freedom from the slavery of addiction.
     
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Checking in. Crazy busy day yesterday. Stressors everywhere. But I just went to bed after dinner and stayed off the computer. No nighttime surfing is key.
    I'm still tired, but ready for Day 3.
     
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  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I'm forcing myself to be aware of my rituals. Since I've been here, I've had to tell myself to take my hand off my pud as I sit here working. It's so automatic. I feel like a little kid sometimes, who just does what feels good in the moment, without thinking about consequences. Lizard brain doesn't have to rule me anymore, which means the frontal cortex needs to start exerting himself. Maybe it's David vs. Goliath, but David ended up winning, right? Regardless, I'm ready to change my paradigm.
     
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  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    OK, it's Saturday, which means I need to be very aware of my thoughts. I probably average 8 hours of work on the weekends, spread out between Saturday and Sunday, and not having a day where I do absolutely no work does take a toll. But I've settled on this schedule so I don't have a full day of work on the weekend. Neither way is perfect, but I'm going to spend a few hours now when my resolve is strongest and chip away. Same for tomorrow.
    Holiday party with the fiancée and her workmates tonight. I used to dread things like that, but since she is similar to me in that regard, we'll probably just put in the requisite time and head back to her place. I know that real sex, though important for wiring to real women, is also thought of by many to be avoided for at least the first 30 days. But we both want it, so I need to just keep it real and stop the MO the next day (which is my new habit) and definitely stay away from P-subs, which will ALWAYS lead back to P.
     
  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I don't think it is as simple as committing to quit porn. I think it requires being committed to change before the porn comes into play. Paying attention to the rituals is good to help find the root causes. And then work on removing the roots.

    Enjoy the party @Mozenjo you deserve some fun!
     
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Agreed, Rugger. I've been revisiting some old topics from years of journaling here, as well as from a lifetime of being me. What has kept me going with porn all these years is using it as a means of avoiding something. It could be avoidance of work, being social, being in a relationship, dealing with difficult situations that involve potential conflict with others, etc. Porn has been my escape of choice. So, yes, dealing with all of that is key.
    I'm lucky enough to be in a relationship I really treasure. This one feels right. She and I do have some of the same foibles, though. She also has social anxiety and avoids conflict. More so than me, actually. Which gives me the opportunity to work on those things without worrying too much about whether she would criticize me for those traits. She decided she didn't want to go to the party after all, so I just went to her place and we had our usual nice evening in. Except that the equipment wasn't working too well. I was tired all day, and wasn't really in the mood, but she was, and my very low dose of the blue pill wasn't enough to do the job.
    So today is Day 7 of no P, M or O. As of this writing, no desire to go there. Time for some more work.
     
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  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    So I almost went full tilt last night. I worked pretty much all day, with breaks to do laundry, eat and play a few word games. But I logged on after dinner to do more work, and was pretty done with it, so checked out some "tame" pix for a bit. Then logged off before escalating further. I'll call it a lapse, but not a relapse. This is familiar territory, and if I don't shut the door COMPLETELY, it will come roaring back today. I won't let that happen.
     
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  10. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Yes, there's not a lot of space between the comfortable lobby of the "tame pix" to the depths of the abyss. It is a trick we let our mind play on us.

    Agree. Shut it down COMPLETELY!

    RD
     
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  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Had to reset. My challenge is taking that final step right before sleep and rejecting the urge to peek. I've been ready to make that leap, but I just don't do it. It's what separates the men from the boys. And I keep choosing the easy path.
    Like BaldrRising said, just get to 30. I have done it before. It takes vigilance to get there.
     
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  12. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Seven days is nothing to discount @Mozenjo!

    String a bunch of 7 days streaks together ... not exactly 30 .. but it is better than 30 one day streaks!

    Keep at it!

    RD
     
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  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo did Santa come down the chimney and kidnap you?! What is up in your life? Holidays are tough for me some years .... hope you are all good and just quiet!

    RD
     
  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey Rugger,
    Hope you had a great Christmas! I've been busy with family get-togethers, first with her family, then with mine. Just got back last night.
    So, thanks to not being around a computer, I'm at a solid 8 days. When the clock strikes 12 tomorrow night, and we enter the new year, I'll be at 10. That means the rest of today and tomorrow need to be clean. Right now, I'm focusing on right now. Gonna log off and go run some errands.
    Happy New Year!
     
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  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    OK, last day of the year. I'm fighting urges as I buckle down for some work. I already had to stop a sub-P-sub search, for the obvious reasons: a) intentional searching for ANY pixels is a one-way ticket to disaster, and b) well, just see a). There isn't any other goal today but to shut the door completely. Any crack in the armor will be exploited by this addictive habit. I don't want to start the new year at 0. I came very close.
     
  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, did you make it over the New Year's line? There were some rationalizing words in that last post and I am concerned about you!

    HAPPY NEW YEAR regardless! You are a good man!

    RD
     
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey Rugger,
    Well, I didn't look at P and didn't M or O. But I still looked at some pictures of women, and I don't feel good about that. I've been wiring to my fiancee a lot in the last two weeks, so I've got all the incentive in the world to keep doing that. We rang in the new year in style. So, some chaser effect going now, which always happens after real sex. I think that's why Queppet and others recommend no sex of any kind for the first 30 days, but that's not gonna happen. I ended up leaving the computer yesterday without working, mainly because I didn't trust myself to be strong. I was on the path to another fall, so I'm glad I just walked away. But even though it's New Year's Day, gotta do some work. I must surf the urges and let them pass, which will happen if I allow them to.
    HAPPY NEW YEAR!
     
  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Fiancee?! I missed that announcement! Congratulations though I think quite belated!

    RD
     
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  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks RD. Yes, I proposed last Summer. Our plan is to get married this year, though not sure when and where yet. She was once in a relationship with a chronic porn user, and was pretty disgusted by it. She's very anti-porn, for a couple of good reasons: the horrible things this industry does to women, and the damage it does to the brain. She's aware of its addictive power.
    So, my need to get off porn has extra meaning now. I have not shared how deep I got into it, though we have talked about how I used it during my single years after my divorce. She knows how omnipresent it is in our society (it's been referenced in countless shows and movies we've watched since we met). If she ever asks if or how much I watch, I want to be able to tell her that I don't watch it anymore. I'm obviously not there yet. But I'm working on it.
     
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  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thought for the day. I heard this in a work-related program I had to watch:
    "Any path that you're still on is the path you have chosen"
    Indeed.
     
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