Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Day 5 in the works. Will click over at 2am, which means I did a late night PMO last Monday night/Tuesday morning when I got up to take a whiz. The basics, like keeping away from electronics at night, MUST be followed!
    So, if I stay the course this time, I'll be at 14 days when my fiancee and I celebrate 2 years together. She's away with her girlfriends for the weekend, so I'm bachin' it. And for some reason, I have no desire to fall into the pit again. May be partly due to the weather being nice again and the air breathable. So I'm going for regular walks. There's something about getting out of the house and taking in the simple pleasure of doing nothing but walking that helps recalibrate my priorities. My work will always be there, but if I stop stressing on how buried I am, and just unplug and understand that I'll never really catch up, I'll be able to approach the stress somewhat refreshed. Stress relief is the main reason I fall, so this must be my new reality. Do the things that work. Stop doing the things that don't.
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2021
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  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    A new month. Same problems.
    I'm super stressed and overwhelmed at work, and have been using P, P-subs and PMO as a crutch.
    I don't see the stress dissipating soon, so as always, I must find other ways of dealing with it.
    Day 1 again. Off to work.
  3. HeyRevolver!

    HeyRevolver! Member

    Hey brother, stress will always be there for us, and if we can comfort it, by facing it instead of fleeing it,
    we embrace it as a part of us, as a denizen that comes and goes.
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yeah, you're right. The crutch excuse has gotta go.
    I had one of those rare nights where I only got up once to hit the toilet, then went straight back to sleep and woke up ready to go. I'm feeling good right now, and today will certainly start slamming me with the usual stressors. But I'm happiest when I don't put off doing what I should just to give in to a peek. It's amazing that I still haven't developed an effective way of taking a break without doing that.
    Thanks HeyRevolver! Which is one of my top 3 favorite Beatles albums, by the way. And you're a Floyd fan too, it seems.
  5. HeyRevolver!

    HeyRevolver! Member

    How did it go with those stressors? I´m certain you already know first week is a dive in, but you´ve beaten it countless times. Peeks are definitely
    totally against our goal, the only thing we should peek at is the world around us. I feel like you´re doing very well, you certainly have a lot of awareness. so you are definitely not sleep walking.

    Hehe, I didn´t make that connection until now, I named myself for a song, but if we´re talking Beatles my top 3 was always: 1.Revolver. 2. Sgt Peppers. ·3. Rubber Soul. And although my favourite Pink Floyd period is the Syd Barrett one, for some reason his madness and non-sequitir lyrics seems to resonate with so much, what being an addict is like. A little bit of crazyness mixed in with a desire that the novel can free us. I went with the current photo because of its droste effect, it´s the same image, within the same one, kind of reminds me of flashbacks.

    Have a wonderful week Moz, don´t stop until you find the lighthouse ;)
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    It went well. I had a deadline to meet, and as is usually the case, most of the stress of meeting a deadline is caused by waiting too long to really do the work. I had to really focus and bring several people together to make it happen. But it was very satisfying getting it done. I celebrated with my fiancee (no sex, but a bit too much alcohol), so I'm a little fuzzy this morning. It's time to give up the sauce o_O
    That's a great thought! Gonna remember that one.
    Well, it's a bit of a double edged sword: a self aware addict doesn't have much of an excuse for staying an addict.
    Can't argue with those choices. I would call Sgt. Peppers and Abbey Road a tossup for 3rd, but Rubber Soul will always hold a soft spot for me. My folks were really into that album when it came out, and I was just a little kid, so it had a profound impact on me. The American version is a bit different than the British one (the whole American vs. British version thing is pretty interesting), so I'm partial to the one I grew up with.
    Thanks man. Really appreciate it. You have a great week too. Looks like you're on the cusp of 2 weeks!
  7. HeyRevolver!

    HeyRevolver! Member

    I definitely understand that, I am in a similar position I was meeting my deadline pretty easily as days were unravelling. I had my fiancé over the weekend and had a string of Os. She is very beautiful, I think abstinence will definitely augment that for us further, so that was in itself gratifying.
    That experience has convinced me to go hardmode, until at least new year´s and even then I need to exercise my wife to perfecting karezza.

    It´s very telling that you celebrated without getting physical, I do not think restraint from that is easy either, and there´s always the ease of replacing
    one addiction with another. I have been teetotal, and believe me I have accompanied countless friends back, it was always strange to me how people needed
    this drug, to get out of their minds. My general observance at least with my circles in my teen years was that they were all actually very charismatic, and attractive when speaking, some were insanely smart, so maybe the urge to be illogical might have tempted them :p

    Being self-aware should push us in that direction, but for me it´s always been just acceptance that first week usually is intense. But
    as you know you have gotten past that countless times.

    Lol, I haven´t really heard the American ones yet, being in the UK, but I´d imagine you´re right, given that´s where most of their audience was. I understand the RS album, for me enjoying it later than its release, I just liked the lyrics. Abbey Road I should listen to more, I haven´t really gave it a good enough listen.

    Thanks brother :D :D :D Let´s keep the growth going, I hope you´re still celebrating (w/o the alcohol ofc) ;p
  8. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Moz, glad to see you're still at it:)

    If you don't mind me being candid, as well as revisiting what I've said before, each time I read your journal, I am absolutely certain that you will slip again, based on your declarations/commitments/stated resolve toward staying clean. From my perspective, you seem to be unconsciously stuck in a recovery ritual that keeps you going in circles.

    I call it arguing in circles: trying to talk ourselves out of doing, what we think we shouldn’t be doing. The problem is, without knowing how we truly feel about what we’re doing, there will be no end to the argument.

    If you're not doing this already, I'd encourage you to get a good therapist, support group, sponsor, and/or confidant so you can get to the underbelly as to what's keeping you going in circles. Creating a safe space with which to identify, express, and let go of the emotional underbelly of this will give you much more peace of mind, and a change in perspective, at the very least.

    All the best, bro:D
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  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    My problem has been the "countless times" thing. Using once or twice a week has been my habit for a very long time. I've lost counting o_O Thanks for your support, man.
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, I've "known" you for over 7 years, NCBob, so I would be surprised if you weren't candid :D I wouldn't necessarily base your certainty on my declarations, as I slip whether I declare I'm going to be clean or not. As I've said in these last few posts, I'm conscious about my decisions. I just haven't found that thing that will get me to stop the starting of the ritual. It feels automatic when it happens. And it is. But I'm aware of what I'm doing when I do it. That's pretty depressing, and only a good place to be if you can use it to change your behavior. I obviously haven't done that yet.
    True. There's a reason I keep this going. By this point, I should know what that reason is. I do need to dig deeper and come to grips with what it is. If it's the simple matter of not wanting to give it up because I like it, then I may need to quit coming here. But I said recently (and probably a few hundred times over the years) that I want to give it up more than I don't. Since reading your post, I've questioned the truth of that statement. It's not to be taken lightly. Because I know that there are no half measures. It's either give it up or don't. Partial using is not what I want. If the monkey is only on my back once in awhile, he's still there, clawing at me.
    Good advice. Talking to someone about why I keep doing this will probably help. I've scraped my underbelly pretty clean (someone seems to keep prodding me to do that ;)), but why not give it another go.
    Thanks bud.
  11. HeyRevolver!

    HeyRevolver! Member

    The only way out, is just saying goodbye. Also it´s going back to the sources, and I mean the knowledge. Addictions an excellent marketing strategy, addicted customers are loyal ones. That aside, I fully acknowledge the fascination of porn, it´s endless novelty, my brain absolutely loves that. That is
    my brain, it´s mechanisms, understanding that I need to apply that same novelty into my life: let everything be new! New hobbies, new passions, new ways of initiating love with the fiancé, new clothes (yes even aesthetics is important, lol why´d you think in fascism they experimented so much with gestures?) Seriously everything matters, and most importantly you matter, when you give up porn. You´ve watched enough, you know the script, insert fetish, insert same beginning, insert same ending.

    Stop cucking yourself and you get to grab life by the ahmm instead of it grabbing you :p

    Keep looking forward brother!
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  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Great post. Thanks Revolver!
  13. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Love it. And so true. Porn offers unending novelty. But as you say, the script is always the same. If we continue to allow ourselves to be consumed by it we will never be free.
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  14. HeyRevolver!

    HeyRevolver! Member

    I like to imagine I've already seen every porn scene in history only to have gained nothing. Many times we already have seen variants. Porn devours time, I think it appeals to childhood leitmotifs of fairy tales and daydreams, it gives us a momentary escape. A once upon a time narrative, only that we end up doing it too many times. Porn imho is but one mere facet killing the creative instinct, and the bread and circus of our time.

    @Mozenjo how are you??? Are you feeling better??? Embrace the discomfort, you're never escaping it until you bring it alive and observe its personality and what it's friendship (a very false one) has done for you. Porn has helped us, in the trance of lust we recreate the fascination we had as children with the world. The pixelated woman's beauty becomes exaggerated and diverted from the real enchantment of the world.

    Wishing you strength to keep fighting on
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  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    That's right, forlorn. It's amazing how when we are away from it for even a few days, the pull weakens as we see it for what it is. And for what it isn't. It is not real. It produces nothing of value. It only sucks our precious time from us.

    I'm doing OK, Hey Revolver. I did something I've been planning on doing for years, but never took the time to figure out exactly how. YouTube, which is my gateway drug, has long been a problem for me. I have two accounts, one where I stay clean and another where I look for P subs. The two seemed inextricably linked to me until I figured out that I could separate them without deleting them both. So that was cleansing. My next task is to disable incognito mode, as Rudolf suggests. I'm on day 5 today, and feeling good, but I know how quickly that can change. I know that success takes consistent work, and I've only really dug in for the hard work of this a few times since I've been here. So as I said in one of my first posts years ago, "I've gotta hit this from every angle I can, or it will beat me". I wish I took my own advice back then, but today is a new day.
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  16. HeyRevolver!

    HeyRevolver! Member

    I am glad to hear, I hear you on youtube, I believe image blockers are wonderful, blocking is just a form of slowing down time.
    I think hard work is inevitable, either we do it now or delay, we will never have the ´ideal´ circumstances. We do enjoy great health,
    better to utilise it, part of this abstaining is giving the body and mind its right to be optimum.

    You can defeat porn simply knowing you do not have to do it. The choice is what makes us powerful, every no is a declaration, a self-affirmation.
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  17. realness

    realness Active Member

    Moz I really love the journey you are on and seeing that you were not defensive to @HeyRevolver! being so candid. I've really hit some momentum as part of a recovery group (Celebrate Recovery). Being physically present in face-to-face experiences and relationships have advanced recovery like compounding interest over 2.5 years now. A recovery group, counselor, therapist, or some other in-person dedicated time regarding PMO could likely be a logical next gear of your recovery.

    Just my thoughts as a younger person walking this part of the journey with you.
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  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks realness. Not sure if you meant NCBob being candid instead of HeyRevolver, but either way, getting defensive here wouldn't serve any good purpose. I was married for 15 years, and my experience was that being defensive backfired pretty much every time :confused: So if my initial gut reaction isn't so noble, reacting immediately on these boards without thinking things through could also backfire on me.
    Anyway, it's been an interesting week. I can't remember the last time I went over 7 days totally clean without any really dangerous moments. Today is Day 9. I'm sure it has a lot to do with coming here more often (even though I'm not posting a lot) and seeing the good work people are doing here. I've been thinking hard about this journey I've been on, and how the seriousness I had when I first started got diluted over time. For years my cycle has not changed. I thought about pulling the plug last week and leaving this site. But I have to admit that taking the small step of deleting the YouTube account I often used to ramp up my ritual was cathartic. I know damn well that I could start another one tomorrow, and that removing all opportunities to view porn is very difficult, especially since I must work online every day. But that small gesture gave me some much needed confidence I haven't experienced in quite some time. I won't make any public declarations here, since I know what that could mean :rolleyes:, but I'm feeling pretty good right now. Humbled, and a bit sad that I'm still where I am in all this, and that being an addict sucks. But hopeful. It's up to me. One day at a time.
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