Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I take sildenafil, which is the generic for Viagra. Yes, headaches sometimes, but thankfully not always. Let's face it, many, if not most of us taking these things need to perform under "adverse" circumstances, like maybe having had a drink or two before sex. Alcohol doesn't exactly enhance performance. But taking these drugs with alcohol in our systems isn't exactly healthy. Luckily, it's down to just once a week lately.
     
  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Day 2 will click over this afternoon. I haven't been doing well with my self control, which isn't new. But I've hit 30 a couple of times, and really need to do that again. My 2 year anniversary with the GF (who is now my fiancee) will happen on my 30th day. That is a goal worth achieving.
     
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Congratulations! Wonderful news!

    Your perseverance is paying huge dividends.
     
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  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you Saville! Funny how the difference between caving and pushing through the urges is just staying aware of what's going on. And making a commitment. Sounds so simple.
    Day 3 under way.
     
  5. breath

    breath Active Member

    You
    Are you referring to being aware of patterns.... family out, so home alone , a certain part of the daily schedule that easily gives or lends itself to PM?
     
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, exactly. We know damn well when we're on the path to act out again. And yet we do it anyway by letting the usual mind fuck of ignoring the obvious (like maybe it won't turn out differently than it ever does) get in the way. It's the ultimate act of non-thinking. That's what addictions do to us.
     
  7. breath

    breath Active Member

    Yes true, although some are well aware of the pattern but prone to losing focus.. ADHD is perhaps an over attributed term, but regardless., it is distractibility .
     
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Interesting. The GF thinks I may have ADD (I'm not exactly hyperactive, so no H for me :p). But losing focus and being easily distracted are certainly part of me. Food for thought.
     
  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Day 5 underway. The fourth day always includes the physical cravings returning after a break. And they in turn start the wheels turning on the changes in thinking. The challenge, then, is to be aware of this more acutely and stick to my guns. Stop the fatalistic thinking and convenient "forgetting" about what will happen if I cave again. I've got a goal to accomplish, damn it! Maybe along the way I'll finally develop some new habits.
     
  10. breath

    breath Active Member

    I think the term ADD has an unfortunate implication which contests that it is a clinical condition:
    that one either has or not...

    In reality we are all different and range from those who have unwavering focus, or conversely, who lean more or less towards a side of the spectrum which is more 'cat like' and prone to getting distracted, changing our course easily.

    These are qualities - not bad, not good.. just qualities. I have creative talents and do get easily distracted... I am not always a good trip navigator.. So that like many things is an area where I must strive to nurture these non-dominant sides of myself.. Porn does prey on my personality type I believe... The porn itself is not moral or immoral so much as it is a negative factor in my life's productivity, and my interaction with others... I have stopped looking at it, and feel much better so far.. I miss the numbing effect, but that was a cop-out fix that I was doing several times per week. Now I have sex or masturbate when I feel jittery, but with out porn. Also I now recognize the restless jittery feeling as a challenge to work through as an mature adult - I feel it as I always have, but my perspective now welcomes that unsettled feeling which makes me man-up... not in a heroic or macho sense .... but "adult-up" if you like....

    I THE LAST FEW DAYS I HAVE MADE BREAKTHROUGHS. For instance last night I was working on a project , and near the end of my work I felt well it is getting late that was enough for now, and that I could have send the files the next morning...... But I paused, reflected objectively and then realized that I had work for 4 hours done most of the job and in another 15-20 minutes I could organize, relabel andput all those files in a zip. Point is, that I wasn't tired, just prone to the well entrenched habit of putting things off.. To many it would have been an obvious choice to finish the job, and feel that relief and sense of accomplishment and completion.... For me it had to be a conscious choice ... not a hard thing at all in retro spect, but a big challenge for me , with my old habit of PM, and other distractions.. This was a victory and a real departure from the rut. ADD(ish) character it is I believe part of who I am, and why I was even hired for that job in the first place, but also why I required a very brief , but conscious momentary effort to make the decision to stay on the job .
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2021
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  11. breath

    breath Active Member

    Hi Mozenjo, I just added/edited. I may also copy to my thread which is a journal of sorts
     
  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    breath, some really good stuff above. I see myself in everything you wrote. The tendency to get distracted easily, especially when we're just about to complete a task, is a frustrating thing. I also have to push myself to finish instead of putting it off. Working on this, whether it's ADD or not, is worth it.
     
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  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, on Day 6 yesterday, spent about 10 minutes looking at non-nude pix of women. I was able to stop, but knew I set the wheels in motion. So today, I came home from the GF's place early in the morning (as always), and since I wasn't feeling well last night and today, lost focus and PMO'd. So instead of starting week 2, I'm starting over. I'm so tired of this.
     
  14. badger

    badger Active Member

    Moz,
    for me the new habits come first. if i am busy developing new habits. i don't have time to PMO. l love to read, learning to play piano, tons of honeydews at home. football season is here, that takes a lot of my time. another addiction. not as bad as PMO but still a time waster. family time. actually there are not enough hours in the day to do what i want to do. it is called life. a decent life. hang in there my friend. this is a formidable foe we are up against. i lost track of the times i relapsed. keep trudging. praying for you.
     
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  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Moz, you are doing great. There just some last little vestige of P hanging on to you for whatever reason. What I have learned throughout this journey is that there is a commonality in everyone's addiction, yet how we break it is unique to us. In other words we are teaching ourselves how to learn. Somehow, someway, back in our early years we didn't feel safe, or allowed, to learn in our own unique way and this has led us to astray. We can't retrace our steps, but we can find interventions that facilitate our learning, whether that be yoga, meditation, journal writing (not the one you have here), or Tai Chi, or what have you.

    Patterns break and fall away when our brain realizes we don't need them. You've got this!
     
  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you my friends. Yes, finding something to do with myself when I don't want to work is key. It is shortsighted of me to think that things will be better when I won't have the constant nagging of my job at the front of my mind. I'm ready to retire now in a lot of ways. Yes, once that happens, I'll have lots of free time to spend on whatever the hell I want to do with my life. But before I get there, I want to have those new habits formed and my unique way of handling this addiction a bit further along than it is now. Quite a bit.
     
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  17. breath

    breath Active Member

    Yes, so touching and enlightening as we see ourselves or through each other.. The distractibility many humans have is on one hand integral to our creativity to move forward and grow, but is also a factor weaken our intentions especially on things which we really long for but have not began a sufficient part of the NEW journey for us to stick with it until it becomes a solid p[art of our lives.... I will not beat myself up if I slip up, b ut I am treating this phase as my new reality, and that i will never masturbate to porn again, and therefore should best just not look at it or be around it... It has become easier as I progress... I'm not counting the days.. My first choice is sex with my wife,, and 2nd is rubbing one out on my own... But porn led me to an unambitious period of low self esteem.. No fucking way I want that again.
     
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  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Nice goals, breath. 14 days is great, even if you're not counting them, lol. I'm on Day 6, and settling in to work. So, unlike last week at this time, I'm staying away from the pixels of women.
     
  19. breath

    breath Active Member

    I just realized. That those working toward no OM and no PMO they are biting off a lot.. As I say I can rubin out naturally with out porn whenever the body could have an easier time with the release.... over asturbation, and using it as and avoidance tactic is a problem... but just cutting out porn sway easier... and pretty easy for me this year for some reason(s). the issue of over MO has also gotten way better with out that being the focus... very cool... wow and i didn't realize it has been 16 days.... great. i have been here on and off for 15 years....i just finished a masters degree... that might have helped with keeping on track
     
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Breath, congrats on the Masters degree! That's a great accomplishment, and you should be proud of it. And that 21 days looks good too!
     

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