Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I maxed out on accruing vacation time a long time ago. It's been use it or lose it ever since, and I haven't been using it. I'm so ready for a break.
     
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  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Last night after finishing a documentary on Netflix, the GF and I were debating a point she made about something, and I have to admit I got a little exercised. I had to ask her to let me make a point without interrupting me, which hurt her feelings, and since I tend to ramp up the volume when I'm in an argument (I wasn't yelling, but she wasn't comfortable with my intensity), things got a little ugly, as she got a few barbs in under the belt. She apologized for interrupting me, and I apologized for hurting her feelings, but we didn't have sex and talked in bed instead. That was good, but I still had a bad dream where our relationship was crumbling.
    So I'm here to vent a little instead of relieving anxiety in the unhealthy way. Which did cross my mind. But not gonna do it. As Bush Sr. said, "wouldn't be prudent" :D
    Day 5 under way.
     
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  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Oh, I've been in those debates. About two seconds into them you think "how did we get here, from there?" I personally let my wife have her debate points, because it's almost never worth the bother.

    Great job handling the anxiety in a healthy way, my friend. :)
     
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  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Been back from vacation for a few days, and I just adjusted the counter to account for a near fall a few days before I started on my travels almost 3 weeks ago. No PMO, but some pics I shouldn't have been looking at. So I'm at a somewhat tentative 19 days now. I say tentative, because, though I haven't M'd or O'd (to pictures anyway; had a lot of sex with the GF on vacation), I have spent some moments on some sub-P-sub pics. Tame enough and brief enough to make me realize that a) the beast is saying "remember me?", and b) any more dips in the pool will undo some good re-wiring that happened away from this computer. Sure, my phone was with me the entire time I was away, but I had zero interest in viewing pics. We had a great time, and committed even further to our relationship. I'm a lucky guy to have her. She deserves a man who can control himself. I am trying to be that man, and must continue to be diligent. Because giving in, even a tiny amount, can set me back the way it always has. So I'm calling myself out for almost screwing the pooch. Today must be squeaky clean. And the tomorrows yet to come.
     
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  5. True Change

    True Change Member

    I've noticed I get irritable with family members when I'm rebooting. Maybe it's part of the process - body and brain are going through chemical changes.

    It only lasts maybe a morning or an afternoon. Then I think "Wow. I was being an ogre before."
     
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I've been on-again, off-again for quite some time. Had some great sex Saturday night, and succumbed to a full PMO session yesterday. There's a connection there that I need to break. Being sexual in a healthy way still gets me thinking sexual thoughts. So of course, that means I need to delay my gratification until the next real experience. I had to white knuckle it this morning, as I was tempted again. Re-setting from last night and now I'm off to work. I need to start posting again. I'm feeling pretty guilty about being in a relationship and giving this addiction power it doesn't deserve.
     
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Our addiction doesn't really care about our guilty feelings. Moz, you have basically beaten this thing. There are a few tendrils clinging on but it's mostly over. We all know why these last "hangers on" are there and when we're ready they are easily cut. You're so close!
     
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  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Saville, one reason the tendrils are still clinging on is that part of me still wants to have my cake and eat it too. In other words, why not indulge once in awhile if it's just once in awhile? Of course, the answer is that because I'm addicted to this stuff, and fooling myself otherwise is just foolish. So, to cut the "hangers on", I have to do the work and just cut them. Don't give oxygen to the cravings and the compulsion. Because then the tendrils get stronger and hang on more tenaciously.

    I was clean yesterday. I came here rather than there, and I will be clean today.
    Thank you!
     
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  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Last week was rough. I'm having some health issues, and was home a couple of days, plus the usual weekend computer work. I did not handle the stress by staying away from porn. Today is Day 1. I have to make some lifestyle changes for my own good, and it starts here. Continuing with my current way of doing things would not be sustainable.
     
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  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your health issues. I hope it all resolves soon.

    Today is a great day to be P free. :)
     
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you Saville. My big decision is whether or not to go on statins for my high risk cholesterol. My diet is OK I think, but I'm much too sedentary. But exercise alone may not get my crazy LDL level down. Gonna get some tests done and do some research into alternatives to statins. I tried niacin once, but I didn't like the side effects.
    Anyway, 'nuff about that. Today starts Day 2 of the "fits and starts tour" :D I don't want to be that guy they find with his pants down slumped over his computer.
     
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Of course, it goes without saying that I'm not a doctor. I do know a couple of people who developed diabetes after taking statins and I believe the link between the drug and that side-effect are established. There is also a book, written by a cardiologist: The Truth About Statins, that cautions against taking them. Naturally you must do your own research and decide what's best for you.

    I've had some health issues, mostly due to being fat and out of shape, and I've found that one has to be one's own advocate. The parameters of most doctors is rather limited and by and large they want to give you a pill and send you on your way. Like with PMO, there are no magic pills. It takes energy and commitment to take care of ourselves and to not outsource our wellness. Sometimes we need a pill...but often we don't. :)

    As badger says: my two cents worth.
     
  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I've avoided statins for like 20 years now, but my family has a history of heart disease, and I'm exhibiting some troublesome symptoms. So I'll look into it more, but I need to get my LDL down soon.
    Your two cents is always welcome, my friend!
     
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  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I've lost around 7 pounds in the last couple weeks. It's amazing how exercising every day makes such a difference! And I'm on the Lipitor. No side effects so far. Yeah, I freaked at my latest cholesterol count, and maybe I didn't need to jump on the statin wagon yet. But the upward trend made me feel mortal. Like so many things do nowadays. I can stop taking the pill whenever I want, but my doc said it's probably something I'll want to do, well, forever. We'll see.

    The viewing of pics has to stop. Gotta live up to the No Pixels rule, which I've been saying, well, forever. I had an ED experience yesterday morning with the GF. She got a text Saturday night from a workmate that took her out of the mood , and asked if we could do it in the morning. I said sure. I had my blue pill working for me, which of course wore off by morning, but I didn't want to take another one. So I was able to stay hard long enough to start, but I petered out. She was understanding, but I know that if I can just get past my habit, I will be able to perform drug-free.

    A clean day ahead.
     
  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    A quick post so I can stay on the board and keep myself honest.
    I just listened to "Operator" by Jim Croce. I watched a couple of college kids do a "reaction" video to it the other day, and they teared up. I used to have Mr. Croce's greatest hits on a cassette in the mid-70's, and this was one of my favorites.
    I broke down when I listened to it today, I think because it reminded me of my childhood, and how when I was 15 I was a shy kid who wouldn't go on a date until several years later. And how I started nurturing the habit that dogs me to this day. I'm not going to wallow in regret, because now is all we have. Going to make it a good day.
     
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  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Reminiscing can sometimes be heartbreaking. It can also be wonderful, of course. But, like you say, we can stop there, as our life has flowed far beyond that point.

    Jim Croce's music has stood the test of time. :)
     
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  17. realness

    realness Active Member

    Ah Jim Croce! I'm younger in my early 40's but always loved his stuff. It may sound cheesy but the Muppets did a sketch of "Time in a Bottle" that hits you in the heart. I liked what you said earlier Moz about not being the guy found slumped over his computer. Puts some perspective on this stuff. Less dramatically, I want to be aware of the time and opportunities missed with kids, spouses, friends etc either literally while PMO'ing or afterwards mentally when in brain fog or shame.
     
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  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I remember the Muppets doing Time in a Bottle. What a great song.
    You're right, realness. Giving in to the compulsion time and again keeps us stuck in the fog. It's not a good place to be. Thanks for your support!
     
  19. breath

    breath Member

    thanks for posting Mozenjo,

    I'm 57. A fellow addict. The porn habit is not a sin, or wrongful, however it is consuming my life . I think my life would be better if I can reduce this habit - or stop it. Point is I want balance.
     
  20. breath

    breath Member

    I 57. Had good erections for most of my life. ED sometimes has happened even in youth if I was tired, sick, or with a new partner. There are a lot of factors. I take tadalfil now. Although it gives headaches. so I try to combine it with rest, exercise (which has sadly decreased in Covid time), and also I'm really going to try to refrain from masturbating tp por. I might aim for weekend sex with my wife.. So not M or PM After, say, Wednesday.... Maybe then a mild dose of cialis
     

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