Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. ananoman

    ananoman Active Member

    This ^^. The only time I really had this thing under control was when I didn't have sex with the wife for nearly 6 weeks. At that time I had no desire to have sex or view porn. I resumed sex with the wife for the sake of our marriage (it was the most difficult time we ever went through), and compulsions came back almost immediately
     
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  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, for me, who went a VERY long time without real sex, the addiction was certainly still in my face. But yes, real sex also gets me in the mood for more. So, either way the addiction is there to be dealt with. I'm pretty sure that once I've got some distance from the last PMO session, the physical urges will still be knocking on my door, but as long as my response does not involve looking at pictures, I'll feel like I'm making progress.
     
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  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    OK, a clean 8 in the books. It's interesting how the chaser effect from real sex wasn't as strong as usual this time. And I didn't give in to MO, so it just faded. Exercising and working around the house has been therapeutic.
    I made some good progress in my workbook, but it had been awhile. I set a goal of May 23 to finish the book, but I just cracked the halfway point today. I will finish the book; I don't doubt that. I think they want you to set an aggressive schedule so you stay focused and don't lose interest. I have to admit that really dissecting the cycle to its component parts is real work, since includes all the non-sexual habits that are still part of the "soup" of the habit. It was tough to get through. I think what made it the hardest is that it forced me to confront (again) that I live so much of my life on automatic, it's no wonder I don't change. And seeing that I'm not being in the moment for the vast majority of my hours is sobering. So part of moving on into another phase of my life means being more present.
     
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  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Wow, this is so true of all of us, Moz. Of course, some things have to be automatic, but when our emotions and awareness are robotic our lives become stale and uninteresting. I applaud all the work you are doing!
     
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  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you Saville!
    I talked to the GF after I posted last night, and we realized we won't be able to see each other until Friday. I was feeling some stirrings working last night at this computer, but did not do any peeking. I decided to MO in the bathroom, and did so with zero pixels. It took 5 minutes. What's interesting is that I still regretted it afterward. It was a release, but did I really need it? No. I'll take that as a lesson. But no pixels for over 8 days and counting. That's the prize to keep my eyes on, so to speak :D
     
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  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Took my eye off the prize. Had drinks with some current and former workmates last night, and came home restless and anxious. I haven't set up a good guardrail for that situation yet.
    I'm still on the right path, though. So I'll chalk this up as a bump in the road.
     
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  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yup, you are!
     
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  8. realness

    realness Active Member

    Yup. A bump in the road. Back to real life, with the good and bad, joys and sadness. A life that you can feel without the numbing of PMO. There's just no other way for us to live.
     
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  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I didn't PMO yesterday, but some P-subs and some touching, and that just won't cut it. It would nag at me if I didn't clear the decks.
    Trying not to worry too much about the counter, but I know me, and it helps me stay clean. It's as simple as that.
     
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  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Sheesh. Gonna hit the shower and get the hell out of here. I've been working at home all morning, and feel like I'm over the urge-fest, barely. I did not succumb this time, and before I cash that in I need a change of scenery.
    Day 4 underway and so far intact.
     
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  11. TryGuy65

    TryGuy65 Active Member

    Hi Moz, just catching up on your journey... You write really well.

    On my walk today, a bike rider stopped to talk with me. Don't know why he did, all I did was say/wave hi. Never met the guy before. He let it be known that he was in his 80's (not unusual as I live in a 55+ community) and he most likely was just seeking a little social interaction. Anyway, he mentioned something I was not aware of (fuck if I can remember what it was - oh well, not important) and I said "well, hell Jerry, that's my 'learn something new everyday' lesson for today"...

    Until reading in your J, and suddenly I realized that I have been using peak(noun) instead of peek(verb)... Another 'lesson learned' that obviously failed to stick in fourth grade:rolleyes:... Anyhoo If you don't do it already, when struggling a bit, read back in your journal . You write really well...
     
  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey TryGuy65, thanks for the kind words and the advice. I don't read my old entries very often, but a few weeks ago I read the first couple of pages again. It's been 7 years, so I guess that was why... Anyway, yes, there have been many "aha" moments along the way, and a great many were prompted by observations and advice I got from the guys here. Recalling these words of wisdom makes me realize that there really isn't any more knowledge to gain on how to conquer the addiction. It's all about the execution now. My workbook has been a help, mainly because I'm forcing myself to actually do the exercises :rolleyes:. One of the most important lessons is to identify the beginnings of the cycle as they're happening, and getting into the habit of stopping the thought patterns that follow. Autopilot is nothing but our brains conveniently "losing control" when the lizard wants a fix. As they say in the book, "you'll be pleasantly surprised at how clear your options become when you're looking right at them". If we tell ourselves that we're about to embark on another long session of looking at hundreds or even thousands of pictures in rapid succession, or videos with 1 or 2 second snippets firing off the same way, and that doing that is utterly self-defeating and really fucks our brains up, maybe we'll be able to create a new autopilot who just moves on, knowing that avoiding that trap will provide infinitely more satisfaction.
     
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  13. For me the last bit of your post is so powerful Moz. "If we tell ourselves that we're about to embark on another long session of looking at hundreds or even thousands of pictures in rapid succession, or videos with 1 or 2 second snippets firing off the same waynit is utterly self-defeating and really fucks our brains up". Yes when the beast has got me it can feel fun for a few minutes but it fucks my brain up ... repeatedly why would I want to do that!!!!!!
     

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  14. TryGuy65

    TryGuy65 Active Member

    Check out this vid: https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/relapse-prevention.htm While this is 'technically' a drug/alcohol recovery site, the ideas are sound for our addiction also... While I don't have any acute symptoms withdrawing from porn, (not seeing flying pink elephants:rolleyes:) I experience many of the post-acute symptoms... Fatigue is my biggie... We don't need to conquer, it's staying conquered that's the hard part...
     
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Moz, checking in to let you know that I'm in awe of your efforts, pulling for you, and know that you'll get there:D

    I'm also curious why you didn't respond to my posto_O

    Lastly, have you ever read much on Jungian Psychotherapy, and in particular, of doing 'shadow' work?

    Hang tough, bro:D
     
  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey NCBob, how's it going? Happy Father's Day!
    Well, at least one of us is in awe of my efforts and knows I'll get there :D
    I just looked back at the last post you sent. I guess I just registered what you said and didn't think a response was needed. But to the point you made, I am trying to listen to myself more and pause when I'm trying to tell myself something instead of barreling ahead with the habit. Which reminds me, it's time to read some more of my workbook. When I stick with it, I notice real progress being made.
    I also quickly checked out Jung's shadow work. Not in depth, but the concept intrigues me. I've often thought the side of me that wants to be less conformist and "wilder" is just part of who I am. Because it is. That wild man likes the idea of throwing caution to the wind and tying one on. But PMO isn't worth it, as I've been saying forever here. I know you have said many times that there's a reason I keep doing it, and yes there is. But continuing to do something that has a net negative effect like PMO does is so damned self-defeating. Anyway, we've talked about this a million times...
    Hearing that everyone has a dark side is no surprise, because, well, that's the human condition. My opinion is that religion exists in part so that people can explore this dark side and come to grips with it. It's hard to accept that it's actually part of us and not some external force "invading" us.
    Thanks for checking in, man.
     
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks TryGuy, I checked out the link and saved the info in the article. In the "techniques for dealing with mental urges", I especially like "play the tape through". When we just stop for a second and get past the first part of the tape to the part where regret creeps in (which is actually pretty early), it just becomes obvious how ridiculous it is to continue. Also, as you've been saying recently, "do your recovery one day at at time" is another good one. Sounds like a cliche, because it's so simple, but it does help to focus when you realize NOW is the only thing that's real.
    Thanks again!
     
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  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    "Who knows what evil lurks in the heart's of men? The Shadow knows!" :D
     
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  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I'm creeping back to the once-a-week habit, which I'm not happy about.
    I've got 10 days until I leave for vacation with the GF, and my short-term goal is to get a good clean 10 days under my belt until then. Vacations take care of themselves, especially when I'm with her.
    I'll start with working on today.
     
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    If you can do a week, you can totally do 10 days. A holiday can do wonders on a numerous fronts.
     
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