Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    You're right on the money here, forlorn. Our long history of rationalizing has created our feeling of inevitability that we will keep doing it. After 50 years of near constant reinforcement of this behavior, it's going to take a paradigm shift to make a real change. The "withdrawals" from this habit are different than for other addictions, because we still want to be able to use the equipment in the way nature intended it, at the same time as we get through this.
  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes indeed. We might as well keep improving ourselves while we're still on this planet. Breaking out of tired old habits is essential.
    Thanks, Saville. I would like to think so, but I've burned myself so much, I am not getting over-confident. I am struggling with this, and I will need to just accept that things will be difficult for awhile.
  3. badger

    badger Active Member

    those that think they can and those that think they can't are both right.
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    You're right, Badger!
    Calling myself out here. Was on YouTube listening to music and spent some time looking at women. Clothed, but still...not what I need to be doing. Monk mode was compromised, but I didn't jump into reset mode. But any more of that, and I'll be circling the drain. So, this is my public note to self to stop this shit. I'm 2 weeks into a good streak. Not perfect, but I'm feeling like I'm making progress. I could piss it all away in an instant, and I really don't want to do that.
  5. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member


    You are making progress keep it up!
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Mad Dog. I think I'm making progress. But my Achilles heel is always taking the first step in the wrong direction. I did a course correction yesterday when things were getting dicey, but I'm still feeling humbled and guilty today for taking my eye off the goal. I need to work pretty much all day today, but I will be squeaky clean. Gonna take a walk and do some yard work later to break up this otherwise sedentary day.
  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    How was the yard work?!

    Isn't it true that on these glorious days where we could be relaxing we are at war with ourselves fighting off that "first step in the wrong direction"?

    I hope you found the yard work relaxing and the right antidote for that first step!

  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Rugger. Yard work was good and therapeutic, and followed it with a half hour walk around the neighborhood. I stuck to my plan yesterday. I printed a document to mark up and worked at the Dining table "unplugged". That felt good. Then, after lunch, came to the computer to chip away at emails I needed to clean out.
    I'm forging ahead, chastened by my stumble the other day. I need to take care not to let it push me to act out fully and force me to reset. Which is my pattern. The metaphor that comes to mind is of climbing the mountain and slipping a bit to slow you down, but not falling to the bottom. I've always let the stumble make me feel like I failed and crashed to the bottom of the mountain. So I just jump off the mountain to make it official. That's not a healthy way of dealing with setbacks.
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2021
    realness likes this.
  9. realness

    realness Active Member

    So great to hear things as simple as yard work and a neighborhood walk were enjoyable for you and got you out and moving. The simple pleasures are so great. It's so cool to read the journals here and find that we're all getting a lift from spring coming. Thank you for how you've encouraged me on my journey. That makes it a great thing to stop here and find you doing well brother.
  10. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo I found similar simple pleasures this weekend. Walking the dog at a park. Taking my bike in to get it repaired.

    Your metaphor is spot on for how I am sometimes. Get one of those days where you are slipping all over the place and sooner rather than later it become "oh, fuck it" and you jump off.

    I'm glad you had a great day!
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the encouragement, Realness and Rugger.
    I had a deadline early Tuesday morning, and had to work Monday night. Danger. After a crazy day at the office, sitting down to work late was not what I wanted to do. I did end up doing it, because I needed to have the work product in my colleague's inbox by 6:30 Tuesday morning so she could format it and send it out. But the resistance to start on it after dinner was met with me giving myself a pass to check out some supposedly harmless pics. That turned out predictably. So I got it out of the way and kept working. Not a very mature response. Felt like shit all day yesterday. This is no way to do a recovery. My 2 weeks clean was really 12 or 13 squeaky clean days with me going for a couple quick peeks at clothed women on day 14 or so. That started the gears grinding, and made falling on Monday night easier to do. So the peeking has to stop. Sorry for being such a broken record. Starting Day 2. Discouraged, but carrying on.
  12. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Dude! We are the broken record brothers. And yet still at it. Get up. Dust yourself off. Keep going.

    Have you dug really deep about why you do this lately?

    Maybe projecting my stuff on you. But it's helped me change the path of the merry go round.

  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Heading out for the weekend with the GF. My goal was to make it to now with about 3 weeks under my belt. That didn't happen, but I am indeed dusting myself off and moving forward.
    To answer your question, Rugger, I did a deep dive again last year when asked about my underlying issues, and really I think my biggest problem is follow-through, and the lack thereof. I'm lazy, and I avoid doing the difficult things much of the time. I'm not a total deadbeat, but daily decisions on just about everything come down to: "can I put this off and do it later?" For most things, yes I can. But should I put the difficult things off for later? Of course not.
    It's time to shit or get off the pot. I've had 62 years to cultivate this way of living I've got for myself. Putting off the hard work of eliminating this terrible habit has got to stop.
    Well, I'm off to go. Wanted to get back to you before I left.
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    You old fart! I'm only 56!


    Serious. Why do you have poor follow through?

    The Deming quality model brought a series of WHY into the picture. Why? Keep asking. Find the answer. Ask again.

    I love you. You are a great man. You deserve better than you give yourself. Why?!

  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, Rugger, I've been asking myself why, and there are some familiar answers that have been resurfacing:

    1. Fear of success
    2. I fucked up as a husband and I'm still punishing myself for it
    3. Not wanting to give up the habit because of the short term pleasure
    4. I'm overwhelmed with work and "use" to take the edge off
    5. Laziness

    I'm still here because I know in my heart that none of the above are good reasons to keep PMO in my life. There is no good reason.

    While we were away this weekend, my girlfriend and I were talking about what living together would be like, and the sacrifices we'd each have to make to do it. I think we are close to giving it a go.
    I take a pretty low level dose of the generic version of the little blue pill. My doctor said it's the lowest level she prescribes, since she didn't want me to get on it without a sound physical reason. I'm grateful to her for that, but I wish I had done the right thing in the first place and gotten off porn and re-wired to my girlfriend drug -free. That is obviously another great reason to get off porn.

    It's going to take some time to finally purge myself of this terrible, terrible addiction. I'm on Day 6. There have been many Day 6's over the last several years here. I've got every reason in the world to make it the last one. Absolutely none of the "reasons" above are worth the pain I keep inflicting on myself.
  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo I think I have more day 6's than you! But I am sure you have more day 7's than me! Go get another one!

  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    9 days looks good on you!
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Rugger, it feels good! I've been avoiding the computer at night, which is huge.

    While eating breakfast this morning, I was reminded of how tiny changes in my routines throw me off. The usual sequence of events that comprise the half hour of preparing, eating and cleaning up the meal are so rote as to be unconscious. It's just something to be gotten out of the way. So when the order in which I ran this sequence was altered a bit by my mind drifting and forgetting a simple step in the process, like emptying the coffee filter basket when I was "supposed to", I felt tension. Similarly, last night, while preparing for my tax appointment today, I turned the computer on briefly to listen to music while I worked. The sound of the CPU fan whirring, the act of logging into YouTube, sitting down in the usual spot where PMO happens, and 9 squeaky clean days under my belt - damn, my brain was ready to follow the sequence I'm used to, just like breakfast. Telling myself no, working on my taxes, and shutting the computer off when I felt the urges getting stronger, created tension. So, the moral of this story for me is that living life on autopilot, and feeling out of sorts when taking over the controls and pushing Otto aside (remember the movie "Airplane"?), means that the only way to change a habit is to make a habit of doing things differently. Of dealing with the tension and creating new habits.
    The habit of abstaining will take practice. I'm trying to give myself the gift of patience so this process can work.
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Moz, I've been reading here, and writing elsewhere. Still in recovery mode, and making progress:)
    I'm glad you're still keeping after it, persistence is key. Good for you:D.
    One thing about persistence, however, is that we can easily be persistent in climbing up the tree that ultimately bears us no fruit.
    When you say that there is no good reason to keep PMO in your life, you may be missing an important point. If PMO is still in your life, there is absolutely a good reason for it still being in your life. Otherwise, it wouldn't be.
    Rather than doing battle against it (you remind me of the brave knight who keeps valiantly trying to slay the fire-breathing dragon, only to come back each time having been burned in the process, and swearing it will never happen again), I'd encourage you to make friends with it. Get very clear, open, and honest as to why PMO is in your life. Otherwise, you'll be chasing your own tail ad nauseum.
    You (from an egocentric perspective) don't want PMO in your life. However, our sexual energy (however we manifest it), is always bigger than ego. (So is love). When you try to control something bigger than your ego, you're setting yourself up for failure. There's a good reason why 12-steps recovery always start off with step one: "we admitted we were powerless over (fill in the blank), and our lives had become unmanageable." If we're not able to accept that PMO is bigger than our ego, as well as a part of who we are (and connected to something bigger, whatever that might be), we're stuck. It lends to great drama, and not much else.
    Time to change that script, Moz. Do more accepting, rather than rejecting. Identify all the reasons why PMO is in your life. Get clear as to how you feel about having PMO in your life (the good, bad, and ugly). Gain clarity as to what your sexual energy behind PMO is trying to tell you. And so on.
    If you don't make friends with the hair of the dog that keeps biting you (or the flame of that fire-breathing dragon that keeps scorching you), you may end up being bitten (and burned) for eternity.
    Just my two cents, mate:)
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2021
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  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey there Bob, thanks for coming back and sharing your thoughts. Hope the book is going well!
    Yes, I'm still here, and I'm still keeping after it, but obviously something is missing.
    As you say, persistence is futile if you're persistent at doing something that doesn't work. Yeah, I guess I'm that knight that keeps getting torched over and over. But I wouldn't call myself brave for doing that. I think stupid is a better word o_O Slaying the beast can only happen by trying a different method. One of the things we've said a million times is that we are embodying the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

    You and I have been here coming on 7 years now (!), and aside from my first go at it, I think the only other time I got to 30 days was late last year when you and I were supporting each other to the goal line. But right at 30 days, we both caved. For me it was like, "finally made this goal, now I can return to normal". Normal wasn't a good place to be, but it was familiar, and the easy path. So there is my dilemma. Taking the harder path.

    I have listened to "The Willpower Instinct" audiobook at least 4 times over these years, and in it they pose a question for those of us struggling through our willpower challenge: "why don't I do the difficult thing, and what makes it difficult?" Obviously, I still like looking at pictures of women. It's not like giving up smoking pot a few decades ago, when I had absolutely no desire to do it anymore. No, this addiction is still around because I have fed it all my life, and the pleasure of the first stages of giving in to it tricks my brain into thinking it's worth the trouble. Until the cycle runs its course, and "oh yeah, it's totally not worth it".

    Many years back I stated that I am powerless against porn (don't know how many times I've posted that here), but getting to the next step in my whatever-step program hasn't happened. Or I take some promising steps forward, and just lose focus and let stress and habits bring me back. So maybe I can address your question about why PMO is still in my life by saying this: Part of me still clings to the hope that I can get some relief from life's stresses by relaxing to some pictures of women without falling into the addiction cycle. After all this time, I do still fool myself into believing this. Of course, it's only when I let the addiction take over my rational self. But I let this happen on a regular basis. Why? I'm a fairly smart guy; why would I do this? Relief from stress and anxiety isn't a good enough answer.

    I think you're right, Bob. It's probably my ego that's holding me back. My stubbornness at thinking I don't need to completely eliminate porn or pictures of any kind from my life. It's a cop-out to keep doing what I'm doing. But it's easy to say the words "surrender my ego" and something else to actually do it. The first step is to accept that it's part of the problem. There are a few breadcrumbs of "safe sites" I have still left myself when I want to jump on the ramp up to the abyss. I just erased them. That was difficult. My ego will want to create them again, but I'm accepting that I have to leave them behind.

    Thanks again for taking the time, bud.
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2021

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