Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. badger

    badger Active Member

    hey Moz,
    we need to try everything and anything until something sticks. whatever works. everyone is different. like I mentioned before 12 step did not work for me. this forum has helped but in the end it all falls on me. I am the one making the decision. the trick is how to always make the right decision. we all fall sometimes. I stagger. but I am trying to stagger forward, hang in there.
     
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, having come here in the same prehistoric era in which you arrived I've tried everything. Go with the flow. Sheets, where you recorded the degrees of slippage so an M-only day counted less than a full on PMO day. I always come back to the counter.

    I find the counter works for me in phases ... it is a must for me to get to double digits. If I didn't have the counter and was starting from zero I would stay in a 1-4 day range and be in and out. Getting to double digits for me requires the accountability of the counter.

    At the moment I'm on the verge of 2 weeks -- 14 days -- the counter really holds no sway on me for now. Yes, it would suck to go to zero. But I'm not focused on that. I'm focused on how much better I feel. The counter might help in a moment where I am tempted, getting weak AND coming here to journal about it. But I usually find I avoid this place when things are really good or they are turning really bad. For that reason I have a calendar on my fridge so I see where I am every day.

    I can't tell you how much it impacts me to come back here though and mark the calendar back to zero. So it does help in that regard. I feel bad I fell in front of you all. But that isn't a block to slip but rather fuels the next effort to try.

    Finally, I agree that the 30+ day streaks are elusive. I have had them. I've had some in the 90s and the 100+ range. By then I'm off the counter and the slip is usually preceded by some crash emotionally.

    In the end I think the counter is helpful to get started, has some use in the middle but that should just be enough to allow us to work on ourselves to where we can avoid the big crash and its wreckage. If we aren't working on the long term skills we need to be ok emotionally the crash will always get us. The counter is a crutch to help us stand and start but not the tool to get us to get us running the marathon we need to run to be perpetually healthy.
     
  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I did not get too far this time. The GF and I are doing fine, but when I'm prepared for sex and it doesn't happen (which is just the way it goes sometimes), I come home with pent up sexual energy. M'ing inevitably leads to viewing, which inevitably leads back to porn.
    Same shit, different day.
    It's exhausting, but I can't give up.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hang in there, Moz. It's not so much the giving up as it is the giving in. Keep looking for that one thing different you can do:)
     
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Lots of work to do today. The first real work week in a while begins tomorrow, though my staff are all working from home for the most part. I need to start doing Zoom meetings with the group instead of just one-on-one phone calls or emails with them. In other words, be more of a manager and stop trying to do everything myself. The pressure I put on myself is due in part to perfectionism; not trusting others the way I should. The anxiety that comes with living that way has contributed to my falling back on the habit for relief. So, hopefully I can relieve some of the anxiety and live a fuller life this year. The girlfriend and I are doing alright, but being stuck at home all the time is getting old. We enjoy each other's company, but since she hasn't been married before (two relationships of hers were heading that way but didn't pan out), she may be feeling more of a sense of urgency than I am. On the other hand, I'm not getting any younger either, so we'll see if this year brings a stronger commitment to our relationship or not.

    Making it a clean day today.
     
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Two weeks into the new year, and the resolution has yet to kick in. I'll be 62 next month, and it's time for a concerted effort to stop using P, M and O (sometimes just P, sometimes P and M, and less and less now, PMO). There were a couple of really high anxiety days in the last couple of weeks where I could have tried different ways of calming myself down. I did not. I went back to the familiar method. As I've said many times since finally jumping into a relationship again: using a pill to stave off ED is not good for my health. Though I had a lot of sex with the GF in 2020, I took this easy way out instead of quitting PMO and letting my brain recover so I can perform drug-free. Performance enhancing drugs, when used in sports, means you're cheating on your competition; in a relationship, they mean you're cheating on your significant other. She deserves better from me. For years before I met her, I wanted to give up porn for my own sake. I still do, of course. My motivation is more selfish than not, but I have yet another good reason to stop.
    Day 1 just ticked over.
     
    Saville likes this.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Even though I wasn't commenting here, I still read your journal and have been cheering for you on the sidelines. I'm in my 60's too and while it isn't "old" it does feel like it's getting there. The accumulation of emotional things can really wear a person down so that we look for a corner to be left alone in. I listened to a podcast on "This American Life" and they were talking about how 9% of the people in the U.S. would choose a time machine if they could have any technology. Some people wanted to go back and kill Hitler as a baby, but others wanted to go back and tell their younger selves to work harder, to avoid such and such, etc. Basically, they wanted to go back and parent themselves. I wondered: "would I have even listened to an older me?" We can't go back in time, but we can still give ourselves advice, and maybe in our 60's we just might take it. :)

    Keep on with the struggle!
     
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  8. badger

    badger Active Member

    Saville,
    i am 66 years old. i think back and there are many things i regret. things i did. things i said. the good was good. the bad was bad. it is all the past now. what can i do today with the time i have left. one advantage of age is i know exactly what not to do. i know not to PMO, but i still do it. it's all about pleasure and escape for me. time to man up and face everyday as it comes with all it's challenges, upsets, misgivings, frustrations and mainly fears. it's called life. most people get through it without PMO. what makes me special? thanks for the advice and help my brother.
     
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  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Boy, ain't that the truth!
    That is also true. It's what we do when we retreat to our corners that matters. I'm alone a lot, which means I can turn down the volume and relax when I need to. And I do have methods of relaxing that don't involve PMO. Making a habit of using them is my challenge. I don't read books anymore. I just read the news and the thousands of emails that overwhelm me at work. Getting absorbed in a novel is a pleasure I need to revisit.
    Here's to some crusty almost-old farts actually doing that!
     
    Saville likes this.
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your words, Badger. Looks like you're doing pretty well to me!
     
    Saville likes this.
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Stumbled on Monday. I worked most of the day, and since it was a holiday, I guess my way of rebelling against yet another dreary 3 day weekend was to go for some dopamine. This struggle comes down to discipline. Self control. Basic stuff. And I know from my few experiences with more than say 3 weeks under my belt that it gets easier. This first week is tough because the muscle memory hasn't had any time to peter out. It will be there no matter how long we are off the juice. But with new memories of success and more healthy ways of deriving pleasure from life, the old ways will wither.
    This is probably the 100th time I've written words like this, but I've been stuck in first gear forever, so I'll keep writing them until I can shift into second.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  12. badger

    badger Active Member

    keep at it my brother. it takes much more energy for a rocket to take off the launching pad then when it's in orbit. praying for you.
     
    Mozenjo likes this.
  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Moz, good for you stepping up to the plate again:)
    When I'm stuck in first gear, the question I ask myself is, what can I do differently to help move things into second? As with 'Ground Hog Day", it's a little change here, a little change there, that eventually moves things up a notch.
    I continually need to ask myself, what can I do differently today, to help make tomorrow a different day? :D
    As we both know, no easy thing....
     
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  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey NCBob, thanks for checking in!
    I am always amazed at how quickly things can go south, and how a good run and steely resolve can crumble with the click of a mouse. So, these last few nights I've stayed away from the computer after dinner. That usually helps. And I haven't used the phone as the second way in either. Saying no and moving on when urges hit means developing a reliable mechanism. One that takes the tractor beam off course and kicks the autopilot off the plane. Whatever that mechanism is, it still takes our brains to put it into action. We have to train our brains. Training means doing the work to change our minds. Writing this helps. Being vigilant about journaling really makes a difference (or I wouldn't still be here all these years later). But as you say, there has to be more. Making a commitment and being held accountable for it is what got me to 30 days a few months ago. And you were a big help there, my friend. But I fell off right after that. Why? Because I got lazy and caved in a moment of unthinking. So, whenever the urge hits and we feel vulnerable, something has to kick in "automatically" to counter that. We are conscious when the urge hits. So, the brain is there saying, "yeah, this is worth it", even when we know we are just convincing ourselves that caving again is NOT worth it. The moment of decision needs to be met with a force that allows us to make the right decision.
    Anyway, I'm off to work. Starting Day 4. Have a great one.
     
    Saville likes this.
  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Great analogy, Badger! I'm trying not to burst into flames, cuz I'm still a long way from breaking through the atmosphere :D
     
  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Starting Day 7. Feels good to be clean.
     
    Saville likes this.
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I'll be quarantining from home for the next 10 days, so I have to guard against complacency. I'm usually fine during the day (it's right before bed that can be dangerous), but I'm here to state that I'm committed to getting through to another 30 and beyond. I've been catching myself whenever my hand automatically gravitates to the crotch, or when thoughts of peeking creep in. Those two things are so burned in, they will take consistent effort to burn back out. Like cauterizing them :cool:
     
    Saville likes this.
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, as it turns out, I don't need to quarantine after all. So heading in to work. I'm feeling good about where I am now, though, and I'm ready to do this.
    Day 9 begins.
     
    Saville likes this.
  19. badger

    badger Active Member

    let's get after it.
     
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    It's been almost a month since I was here. I've fallen a few times since then; the usual weekly indulgence. If I felt like that was OK, I'd just pack it up and say 'bye to y'all, but it's really not OK.
    I was away with the girlfriend last weekend, and we had a really good time. We even had morning sex on Valentine's Day, which was a treat. However...my habit is keeping me from breaking free of the blue pill. She knows I take them, but not how often. As long as we have good sex and I am sincere in my feelings for her (which are both true), it's a reality she seems to have accepted. But we don't talk about it. My problem is my burden, and I don't want to burden her with. So I don't. And of course I fear that telling her what I'm dealing with would disappoint her greatly.
    When I come home after a session of lovemaking, the equipment is "primed" and ready for more. So I'm vulnerable then and I give in more often than not. It's a new, unhealthy pattern that keeps me stuck in this cycle. Yesterday, I was finishing Day 5 and sat down to work, and since I really didn't want to work, well, you know. Same old.
    So even with "help", I wasn't able to finish with her last night. We did drink too much, and that never helps, but I'm just so tired of not getting past this. I really want to. I'm 62. I need to feel what it's like to be clean so the rest of my sixties aren't another decade of "trying" and failing.
     

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