Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Damn indeed! Get back on it!
     
  2. badger

    badger Active Member

    for me has always been the insecurity. the never good enough. had to prove by getting more degrees than a thermometer. has not changed my inner turnmoil. look good on the outside. but filth, degenerate on inside. keep going.
     
  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Haven't posted in 2 weeks. I've PMO'd a couple times since then, and wasted way too much time surfing on Sunday. Will be out of town for a couple of days, which will keep me away from the computer, and so far I'm squeaky clean since Sunday afternoon. My goal is to make it to New Years intact. That would be about 40 days, and a new world record for me. If that isn't something to strive for, I don't know what is.

    Happy Thanksgiving to all!
     
    ruggerdoug and NCBob like this.
  4. badger

    badger Active Member

    Moz,
    you said the magic words "keep me from my computer". for me that is the main trigger. looking up youtube. starts there. for the first time i have been pmo free for 30 days. if i don't need the computer, i don't open it. this i think has been the main difference. i still fantasize but as of now have not acted on it. i need to make it work for me. tried to have sex with my wife after 25 days monk mode. no success-ED. after 42 yrs marriage i think my wife just puts up with it. i don't think she knows about PIED or my addiction. she just believes i'm old. the shame. the frustration. not only with my wife. but i feel like a loser with my dirty secret at work or in public. hang in there. i am. today i am clean.
     
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey, Moz, Happy Thanksgiving:)
    I've not been posting here for a while, and still on the journey. It continues to present its twists, turns, and challenges, along with some successes:)
    Hang in there, Mate:D
     
    Mozenjo likes this.
  6. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, it is enough that you keep fighting. Sorry to know you won't be around but I hope that turns into a positive for you. Good luck on the 40 day journey!
     
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Badger, looks like you're on a good run here. Yes, hang in there. It takes time to shake the ED. Or so I'm told - I certainly don't know this from experience. We do have the benefit of not being weaned on the internet. But our brains still have to go through the process. Keep up the good fight. It will be worth it. Keeping secrets is destructive. I also want to stop doing that. Thanks for your support!
     
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks man. I'm not sure if my journey is full of twists and turns as much as it is a tedious continuum of (as you have said many times) "wash, rinse, repeat". I've got a new goal of 40 days. Today is day 7. I will post regularly. And announce my commitment to that goal. Half measures take you halfway to nowhere. Hmm, sounds like a song title :p
     
  9. badger

    badger Active Member

    thanks Moz. the ED is bad but only part of the whole addiction and it's symptoms. the shame, the guilt. the hiding. i believe they are all like strands that make up my personality. who i am. so i am working on each part, each strand. focusing on the negative side of my words, thoughts, actions, feelings. one strand today. another one tomorrow. eventually i am positive if i keep at it. everything will come together. everyday i weave positve. thanks again for replying. hang in there. i have learned so much from you.
     
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  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Badger, it's good to know that even though I'm still struggling with this stuff, maybe I can be of some help. So thank you for the kind words.
    After my proclamation earlier today, I feel into it again. Even the tiniest infraction makes me feel like I've screwed the pooch, and I just say what the fuck and finish. That's a very self-destructive habit. Once a week will not take care of much. Certainly not ED. I'm discouraged, but not giving up.
     
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, think back to when you started this whole thing. It was multiple times a day. It (YOU) was uncontrollable! Now you are down to once a week and it feels like the end of the world (I have insider knowledge on this as you are aware). Look at the number of pages of posts you have. Look at how long you have been here. Fapping once a week feels like failure. Sometimes looking at how long you've been here feels like failure. But you have been fighting this so long because it means something. Look at posting pages several pages back. Guys that only post a few pages and disappear. They gave up. You've not given up and you've kept getting better. I know for some they come here, grasp the principles, hit 90 days and never look at porn again with a miraculous recovery. Not you. Not me. But you are still here and that means so damn much. That's grit. Because it is so easy to just give into this thing. I am proud of you for the long and continued fight!

    RD
     
    realness likes this.
  12. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Well said @ruggerdoug. It can be disheartening to reflect upon how long some of us have been struggling. Many rebooters and would-be brain 'rebalancers' come and go, some never to be heard of again. But you're right, it takes courage and grit to keep showing up despite the setbacks - it's a sign that somewhere inside us we're not happy with the way things are. Our methods may not be perfect, but we will carry on striving towards becoming better versions of ourselves. Pleased to hear you're not giving up Moz.
     
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  13. realness

    realness Active Member

    I gotta chime in with @ruggerdoug and @forlorn , keep your head up Moz! This recovery for us reminds me of the beatitudes, Blessed are the meek, blessed are the poor in spirit, etc. You're dissatisfaction with PMO in your life is a GOOD thing, despite how long you struggle with it. The hurt that it brings is rescuing you from it. We've all lost some things from PMO (wasted time at the very least, joy, jobs, relationships for many), but our reaction to it and our entry and work in recovery is saving many parts of our lives from destruction. Look where Ron Jeremy is now. Anthony Weiner. They lost so much. Then look at Lamar Odom. He almost lost his life, but is now in recovery. And he boldly lists PMO as a destructive force in his life.

    Although your recovery has been and still is hard and long, I'm so glad you are with us on the path of ditching PMO.
     
  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Wow.
    I'm glad I checked in here before heading to work!

    Rugger, forlorn and realness, I can't thank you enough for your amazing words of encouragement. Just this morning I thought, "maybe I can get away with a quick peek once a week, and if I get it over with quickly, no harm done, right?"
    But it took one second for me to realize that I'm far too deep in this to even consider that as an option. Hell, I've tried that MANY times anyway, and it just doesn't work. This addiction has caused ruts in my brain that will never go away entirely. Hell, after 5 months of recovering from a broken ankle, when I got back to my old routine of heading upstairs to take a shower instead of in the tub downstairs, every little detail of that routine came back like no time had gone by. That's what happens with this nasty habit of ours. It just has to be removed from our lives, or any excuse to keep it there will do just that: keep it there. If we can at least give ourselves a fighting chance of letting the ruts fill in a little, we might be successful at reaching our goal of living a life we can be proud of.

    Have a great week my friends.
     
  15. badger

    badger Active Member

    10 second peek, 10 hrs-10 days-10wks on the brain. like you Moz. I have to be extra vigilant. hang in there. rooting for you
     
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  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Badger. Yeah, once we've made the commitment to stop, veering from that commitment is a "bright line". You know when you've crossed it.
     
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Gotta run, but checking in to report 2 solid days behind me.
     
  18. badger

    badger Active Member

    2 is closer to 3 than to 0. hang in there. it's all about today. yesterday is a cancelled check, tomorrow but a dream.
     
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Moz, have you thought about nixing the counter, letting go of the pressure/expectation that comes with it, and being in the moment? Just a thought, my friend:)
     
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, since I've been on this site since the Pleistocene Era, I've been on and off the counter countless times. An argument could certainly be made that my success, or lack thereof, is not tied to the counter. That may very well be true. But, I have to say that when I'm off it, I tend to give myself a pass and watch more porn. We are here for accountability (I am anyway), and I do feel more accountable when I have the counter going. It hurts when I have to reset. A lot more than when I "reset" when nobody knows what I'm doing. In other words, when the pressure's off, I fold. The 12-step groups are based on accountability and some form of peer pressure (the buddy system), and for some, maybe that hurts more than helps. For me, well, who knows? Nothing's worked so far. But that is on me, not necessarily on my methods.

    So, for now I'm going to keep it going. I actually got to 30 a couple of months ago, and the counter definitely helped. It's a tool. Not for everyone, maybe. But getting well past 30 is so elusive, but so obtainable, that I'm going to make it one way or another. If the counter helps me, I'll take it.
     

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