Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I'm starting day 6 clean, but it hasn't been easy this time. Last night I was alone in the house, and just wanted to "unwind" to some pictures. I did not. Listened to a bunch of "reaction" videos on YouTube. Mainly young people who have never heard classic rock songs. Kind of fun, depending on the reaction.
    I'm going to be here working most of the day, then off to the GF's for a quiet Halloween in. Maybe a restaurant first, but we'll see.
    Anyway, the tug is there as I type this, and I'm writing this to give myself some resolve. Unlike countless times in the past, I need to follow through and not take the act of journaling as some twisted excuse to peek. That is indeed a strange phenomenon.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2020
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

     
  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    And notice @Mozenjo after 4 years we are exactly aligned on our counters. We should plan on going forever together! Don't you be the one to screw this up!
     
  4. badger

    badger Member

    this is my 6 day too. it is evening so i made it through another day. watched some youtube. that's usually where it starts. need to stay alert. been addicted for a long time. it is going to take a long time to get fixed. never give up
     
    Mozenjo likes this.
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Keep going, Badger. And yes, we will never give up. If YouTube is where it usually starts (it is for me too), then don't go to YouTube. It feels like a sacrifice, but until we can trust ourselves, best to avoid anything that starts the ritual.
     
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, glad I came here and read that, Rugger. I was less than clean yesterday, and was just going to dive in and "get it over with", but that never does anything but continue the addiction. I had sex last night, and the damned chaser is knocking on my door. Rather than totally cash it in (for this time I'll give myself a pass for yesterday's very near total fall), I'm going to do my best to be squeaky clean today and right this ship.
     
  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Ironically I was on the verge of giving in for exactly similar reasons. Yesterday was awful and so many times I said "just do it, it'll push the depression back, the day won't be so bad -- reset isn't all that bad" but fought through it.

    Today isn't a great day either. But I'll make it through. I hope I can keep the focus. And apply some grace as I know this stuff goes up and down. You know that, too. Stay strong, don't give in to the urge, but give yourself some grace!

    RD
     
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Will do. So far so good. Today needs to be clean. Let's do it.
     
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    You guys can do it! I'm hoping for you.
     
  10. badger

    badger Member

    thank you. day 7. deep depression. many reasons. porn not my problem. just my outlet, my escape. even though i am blessed with a good life. a professional with a doctorate. never give up. where there's breath, there's hope.
     
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @badger, I think it would be amazing to know how many of us are professional with advanced degrees, big jobs, etc. I imagine most of us suffer from depression and imposter syndrome and a bunch of other common maladies. And porn at one point seemed to give us power. Well surprise it doesn't! Hang in there!
     
  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Stayed clean yesterday, so continuing into the second week. 6 of 7 days were clean, with Saturday being dicey. This week must be 7 of 7!!!
     
  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Doing OK fighting the urges, but the fact that they're there is annoying. Stayed away from this computer last night, and went to bed early. Daylight savings helped with that.
     
  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Major stress took its toll, and I gave in the last 2 nights. Last night was a full on session, and now I'm fighting fatigue and diving into the work I should have been doing.
    Starting over today.
     
  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Last night with the GF, and though we talked earlier in the day about waiting until today (Saturday) to have sex, we dove in last night anyway. It was very nice, but ED predictably entered the picture, since it had only been 2 days since my last PMO, I had too much alcohol, and didn't take the little blue pill.
    I'm frustrated that I'm stuck in the loop and haven't gotten a good 7 clean days behind me in a while. Today is Day 3, and it will be clean.
    I'm going to start making some changes to my routine. Staying away from the computer at night works wonders as long as I don't reach for the phone and go for the easy workaround. No YouTube and other "portals" at night must be my new mantra. It will feel like quite a sacrifice, but what will I really give up? Nothing but a very self-destructive habit.
     
    realness likes this.
  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Will be at the computer all day. No urges, and lots to do. Just gotta live life and let the habit fade.
     
  17. realness

    realness Active Member

    A while ago a good friend encouraged me to get into reading fiction. I eventually got a kindle reader, black and white for reading only, and this worked well with my new rule of no other devices in the bedroom. It took a few months but now I have a good habit of reading before bed. It's relaxing and a whole lot healthier than pmo Thought I'd share this as it goes with your plan of changing routine and keeping troublesome devices out of the bedroom
     
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    So, 3 nights in a row with the GF, which were all wonderful. Friday was ED night, then Saturday and last night we binge watched a show on Netflix and she was too sleepy afterwards for sex. Not a problem, but a little frustrating, since I was prepared for it. Came home and knew I wasn't going to PMO, but thought a quick MO without P might help ensure it didn't enter the picture as a possibility. I O'd after 5 minutes of M. Amazing how quick it can be if there isn't the crazy search for the right picture or video. So, I changed my counter to show 4 days of no P instead of P and M. I'm fine with that. It's porn that I'm trying to purge.
     
  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I like your suggestion, Realness. Whether it's a Kindle or a real book, I really do need to get back into reading. And I haven't picked up the guitar in many months, so starting up on that sounds like a plan.
    Thanks!
     
    realness likes this.
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Had a good night with the GF on Tuesday, then had to work at the computer all day yesterday (even though it was supposed to be a day off), and fell prey to a heavy chaser effect. So...reset.
    Damn.
     

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