Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you Rebootian (great handle, by the way!). I'm ready for the next step, and it will take a consistent level of effort. I crashed after 30 days partly because I convinced myself that I deserved it. I didn't consciously tell myself that, because I knew I needed to keep going, but I still saw it as a reward. So, this next time I need to remember how shitty I felt for cashing it in. The short term pleasure never lasts. By definition.
    Have a great, clean day.
     
    Rebootian likes this.
  2. Rebootian

    Rebootian New Member

    Ahhh the good old 'self entitled wank'!
    My therapist called me out on that. Once he asked why I slipped and I told him I thought I deserved it. He then held up my hand written list of 20 things I consider negative consequences of porn, and said 'oh yeah, sure Ian, you really deserve this!'
    I couldn't argue.
    Moments like that are pivotal in recovery. I go back to that scene whenever I feel like I owe it to myself or deserve it!
     
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  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Recalling the many reasons why it's a bad decision, when it's really critical to stop the momentum of the addiction taking over, works a good percentage of the time. But there have to be more tools, more concrete barriers in our arsenal. Because common sense is thrown out the window when all the lizard brain wants is a hit.
    Making it a clean day today.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Need to check on a couple of things and log off. Feeling vulnerable, so have to nip this in the bud.
    Thankfully I can drive into work now!
     
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Working on Day 5. Last time was Tuesday night. It's been nice being clean these last few days. As always, the way out of this is consistently living life without giving any energy to the habit. It takes the tiniest excuse to fall and jumps on it.
    I'll start the counter again at some point, but not feeling the need right now. Just needing to be clean.
     
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Being accountable and starting over. The stress of my job and the never ending weekend work it demands has really burned me out. I think my reluctance to spend hours on end trying to catch up every weekend, only to be overwhelmed as soon as Monday hits, has made me resentful. But how can I resent that I have a steady job, especially in times like these? Well, I cant. I'm grateful for the job, but at 61, I'm in need of some more time off. I haven't taken more than 2 weeks total in any given year for a very long time. And 2 weeks at one time for even longer. At this stage in my career, I should be taking a month off every year (spaced out of course). But that's not going to happen until I retire...
    I feel foolish for complaining about this, and it surely isn't a reason to PMO. But when I'm fed up with sitting here working, it pulls me in. I really need to work on that!
     
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    OK, no excuses, just laziness.
    I had a busy, productive day, and a nice evening, so I am certainly not going to screw that up and watch porn.
    It's time to log off and hit the hay before I change my mind.
    I'm re-committing to getting over the hump this time. Again.
    30 days was predictably just a number, albeit a good step in the right direction. But my almost immediate reversion to the norm of the habit was just my animal self saying, "job well done, now let's have some fun!". When of course, my rational self knows that the "fun" is short lived, and the reasons for quitting continue to stare me in the face and say, "dude, wake the hell up!". So it's that boring rational self that I need to listen to. The little angel on one shoulder who's trying to knock the devil on the other shoulder off his perch.
     
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Things are changing at work. Even more stress due to some reorganization. But I'm still in a good place there, so I'm just rolling with it. It will be OK.
    The relationship is sailing along too. I need to nurture it and not take it for granted. My goal of getting off the anti-ED meds is still important. This is the kind of "med" that isn't really good for my health. It needs to be a stepping stone to normal sex, and not a requirement for it. That will only happen when I stop watching porn. Period.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  9. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Moz, hang in there, mate:D
     
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks, NCBob.
    Last couple of days were not solid. Not what I need my days to be, which is squeaky clean.
    Fighting the urge to surf again, if only for some "tame" stuff. Not going to do it. It's such a colossal waste of time, and so damaging.
    Seeing the GF tonight, so there's all the incentive I need to be good. But since I see her two, maybe 3 days a week, if I keep interspersing that with bouts of semi-caving, I'm not going to make any progress.
    So, calling myself out here.
     
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  11. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Good to be accountable, and even better to be gentle with yourself, Moz:)
    Enjoy your time with your GF!
     
  12. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @moz please don't be so quiet.
     
  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Sorry Rugger, was away this weekend for a day trip in the mountains. We had a great time, but even though I feel slightly recharged, the stress has really been getting to me lately, and I needed more time. But I'll take what I can get.
    We had some morning sex yesterday, which was great. I had my usual craving for more when I got home, though, and decided to rub one out to some P subs. No nudity, and the familiar search for the right pic. What drudgery.
    So...reset. I had 7 good days going, and blew it again. Monk mode is the only thing that ever works. Not giving the compulsion any room to nudge back in.
    It promises to be another stressful week. Being clean will help me deal with it in a healthy way.
     
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  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    We are both on Zero! Let's do it together!
     
    Mozenjo likes this.
  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    OK, sounds like a plan. Back to 30 first, which wasn't really that hard after getting the first 2 weeks out of the way. Getting to "the other side", as you said recently, means going well beyond 30. It means changing the mindset of the addict, which considers giving in to cravings as a treat. In our case, it's the opposite. On to Day 2.
     
  16. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Back to 30? Shit! Back to 7!

    It is hard to start, easy to 5 ... hard to 7 ...
    Then easier from 7 to the mid 20s ... then it gets really tough!

    I am intentionally thinking about the more satisfying treats life has if I can get to 90+ ... but yes that thought process of just one won't hurt kills you.
     
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yeah, starting is difficult. Yesterday was tough, but I made it through. So, right. On to 7 first.
    Fighting anxiety this morning. Since last week, when I was really suffering from it, my days turn more stressful than usual as soon as I feel overwhelmed. Not fun.
    I'm stopping halfway through my second cup of coffee. Caffeine is heightening the feeling of overwhelm. I think I'll put some calming music on while I finish up here at home and then hit the road. Need to be at the day job building, at least for now.
     
  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Funny. I've cut coffee down, too. None after 12 noon. I'm playing the Dropkick Murphy's on Spotify. That's my calming music!

    I'm not fighting anxiety at the moment. That's a tough one. Do you meditate?
     
  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I stopped what little meditation I was doing months ago. The calming music helped me, but thanks for the reminder to start up again on the meditation. Just a little goes a long way.
    Off to the day job!
     
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    A couple of days with minimal meetings has allowed me to get some things off my to-do list at work. That's helped with the anxiety. Some urges in the background, but not going to give in. That leads to wasted time, getting behind at work again, and the continuance of the cycle. So...no.
     

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