Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    No sex last night (we were both tired), but Friday night was good. As I say above, though, it's time to get off the pharmaceutical assistance (viagra-like substance). In previous posts, I've talked about how easy it is to rely on it, especially if you are still using porn. PIED is VERY real, and it doesn't go away overnight. So now that I'm serious about finally quitting, I can work on lowering my (already low) dosage and just getting off the stuff.

    On another note, I had a dream within a dream last night in which I was thinking about porn in my dream's dream and thinking I had cheated. So, when I woke up, I realized that old trick my mind plays on me is still there: if what I'm feeling guilty about is in a "dream" I'm having in my actual dream, it somehow dilutes it so that when I wake up I don't feel so guilty. Bottom line is I didn't view porn on my computer, but I flashed on some old scenes in the dream that made me feel uncomfortable. So this old brain is working this abstinence thing out for itself. I just need to keep helping it along.
     
  2. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Way to go, Moz!
     
  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    How are things, Moz?
     
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Things are OK, NCBob. Doing fine on the abstinence, so that's good.
    Yesterday was crazy at the day job, and some things I've procrastinated about for quite awhile came home to roost. Putting things off because you don't want to deal with them is not good.
    Hmm...parallels.
     
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Doing fine, though I had some cravings to just rub one out again yesterday. I did not do it. Sometimes the urge to MO comes first, and the thoughts of peeking follow that urge, just because that's the habit. Other times the flashes of images resurface from my memory banks, and the physical urge follows that. The internal "stash" of images from decades of viewing needs to wither.
    The frustrations of the day job are always there, and rolling with them better, instead of being consumed by them, is very important for my well being. Too much stress continues to take its toll. Whether I act out to reduce it (which I'm not doing now) or lose sleep, be grumpy all the time, or otherwise be miserable, I must use the tools that work FOR me, not against me, in my quest to get my life in order. Most critical is the need to address the causes of the stress, not the effects of it. So, I must do the work required to move difficult projects along, delegate tasks I don't need to do, and organize my workspace. Basic life management skills I'm in need of improving.
     
  6. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    It's tricky, as we're dealing with a combination of neurological and behavioral patterns that have been ingrained for decades.

    Frustrations with work stuff will always be there, sounds like you are learning new, healthier coping mechanisms. Keep it up.

    Organizing your workspace ought to be an easy win (although, admittedly I haven't seen it). But it's a good place to start, clutter is a distraction.

    Hmmm, just looked at my own desk and realized it could do with cleaning up - it's strewn with paper, books, coasters, mints, memory cards. On that note, I'm off to tidy up.
     
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  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    It's always a work in progress, Moz. I'm glad to hear you're progressing:)
     
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  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Working from home today and fighting urges again. "Surfing" those waves of urges the best I can.
    Bottom line is that giving in to any dopamine hit would be counterproductive, even if just MO with no pixels.
    So, not going to do it. Today is difficult. But I'm plowing forward with my resolve under attack from the habit.
     
  9. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Keep up the good fight, Moz. It sounds like you would be vulnerable today, but your will is strong.
    All the best.
     
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    As strong as our urges can become (and they can become overwhelming, and then some), we always have a choice. If/when you hit your red-line, Moz, step away from the computer, and focus your energy elsewhere. Wash, rinse, and repeat if necessary:)
     
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you Apeman and NCBob,
    Your words helped. I've dodged the bullet, but it was too close for comfort. Made me realize (again) how quickly the resolve can crumble.
    I think it had something to do with fatigue. I was seriously craving a nap, but didn't have time for one. Now I've got somewhat of a second wind and the cravings have disappeared.
    Damn. This is hard work. But I feel much more confident that I can do it this time.
     
  12. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Good to hear you made it through. :)
     
  13. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    It is indeed tricky. We’re dealing with something that doesn’t easily want to change. It’s also good to be patient about the whole process, and accept that it takes time.


    You’re right about the whole clutter thing being a distraction. I’ve found that when the environment around me is chaotic then that is mirrored inside, and vice-versa.
     
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  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Checking in, Moz. How are things?
     
  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey NCBob. I'm hanging in there. Yesterday was clean. Thursday was shaky, as described above, but I made it through. I still feel guilty for briefly looking at some pics of women I know, and for typing in the name of a model on YouTube. I didn't go anywhere with any of it. No arousal even. So the guilt isn't around relapsing, because I didn't. It's due to my resolve showing cracks, and my allowing the "reflex" of the habit to do things I shouldn't have. It was a good lesson (as if I needed to learn this lesson again) that absolutely no movement in the wrong direction is the best way forward. Makes sense, but it's not easy.
     
  16. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Hey Mozenjo,
    I've been on shaky ground too, but accountability to this forum has helped keep us in check. Old habits die hard; if your resolve is wavering, it might be time to remind yourself why you resolved to do this in the first place.

    Glad to hear you're still going strong. Onward and up.
     
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  17. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hang in there, Moz. My cracks in my defenses quickly become gaping holes the moment I stayed on my computer when my cravings hit rather than stepping away and redirecting myself elsewhere. Peeking simply leads to more of the same, and then some...
     
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  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Look at @Mozenjo go! Keep at my friend!
     
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  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Very true. Chaos comes in many forms, but whatever it's cloaked in, it is by definition a disruption to our sense of order. But even when we have a comfortable routine to stick to, the addiction is still trying to knock us off course.
     
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Apeman! You're doing great, too!
     

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