Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hi Moz, I'm not sure if you're describing a recipe for getting sober here. From my perspective, trying to get sober while trying to establish a sexual relationship with a partner are mutually exclusive things. It' reminds me of the adage, he who chases two rabbits gets none. I can't tell you what to do, and if it were me, I'd get sober from PMO/MO first, and then figure out the rest later. It's love and emotional intimacy that make or break a relationship. If we can't have it with ourselves, we simply can't have it with someone else. Just my two cents:)
     
  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, I hear you, NCBob, and I agree that it would have been nice for me to get well into recovery before I jumped into a relationship, but it didn't happen that way. I woke up feeling conflicted about my "clean" MO experience last night. I didn't view any pixels, but MO has led me and so many of our colleagues here back into the habit before, and that's the last thing I want to happen, of course. So, I'm not going to stop having real sex, since the benefits far outweigh the costs in my opinion. My girlfriend wants it as much as I do, and I'm not going to mess that up. That may not be the ideal situation, but it's reality. If my recovery takes a little longer as a result, so be it. My goal is, and always has been, to stop viewing porn. I'm starting Day 18 clean from it, and it feels great. Once we hit our 30 goal (which we WILL do!), then we must take that momentum and get into a "maintenance" schedule, where the new lifestyle is nurtured. We have to bake No-P into our existence so it feels normal. I've heard many times here and in other testimonials that it's more like 90 days before the ED fades away, but it could take longer. Everyone's different. But if I can get off porn and have a normal sex life, then my goals will have been accomplished.
    Thanks for helping me through this! Have a nice, clean day :)
     
  3. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    I support you on this, Moz. I'd argue getting intimate with a real partner is a far better option than sitting alone in the dark. The man who chases 2 rabbits may catch neither, but in this case, telling someone to get fully free of porn and masturbation before getting into a relationship is like telling someone caught in a snowstorm to get 100% dry before they can build a fire. No, dude, just get warm whenever you can. A real relationship is a powerful tool in this fight.

    Pulling for you, dude. Onward and up.
     
  4. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    I’m also in the situation of trying to get sober while establishing a sexual relationships However, at the moment the establishing a sexual relationship part is hold at the moment, due my GF and myself being stuck in different countries due to the current situation. I’m starting to think that this might be a blessing in disguise, as it buys me some time to sort out my reboot and ED before I next meet up with her, which is likely to be next spring. I won’t go into all the details, as I don’t want to reveal much personal information.

    Last year I visited her a number of times and had issues with ED, every single time. It was this that made me realise that I have to finally sort out PMO and ED. So now I have the time and space to myself to sort out PMO, while maintaining the relationship online. It’s not ideal, but we’ve only ever known it as a distance relationship anyway, so it is what it is at the moment.

    Anyway, keep going guys!
     
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I think you misread my post, Apeman.
     
  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I'll look forward to how things unfold, Moz:)
     
  7. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Please clarify. I read that Moz should get completely free and clear from porn before considering a relationship, and I disagree.
     
  8. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I didn't suggest at all that Moz shouldn't have a relationship. I believe that trying to have a sexual relationship in the midst trying to become sober from PMO is a not the best way to go about recovery, nor the best way to grow a relationship. Taking the sex out of the equation while working on recovery also allows for building emotional intimacy within the relationship. That being said, it's just my perspective, and Moz is going to do things the way he believes he needs to.
     
  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Interesting conversation going on here.

    Apeman, thanks for your thoughts. I agree that a healthy sexual relationship can help speed up the re-wiring process. I am definitely experiencing that, and I would have been much further along in shaking the ED and being confident in bed if I had just gotten off porn when I started seeing her. Up until a few weeks ago, I was still viewing 1 to 2 times a week, and that's not going to do anyone any good. At least not the people here who have admitted they have a problem with this stuff.

    Clovis, I wish you luck with your relationship. I've never had a long distance one, but I think the forced time away can do you good, as long as you make the best of it. Stay off porn and you will eventually get past the ED. I'm sure of it.

    NCBob, I'm almost 11 months into this relationship. We are inseparable. I am crazy about this woman. We had sex for the first time a little over a month into it (or at least we gave it a go). She was very patient with my ED, and it also gave us some space to be intimate without intercourse, which, in hindsight, was probably good for us. I was still disappointed in my inability to go the distance, but it happened, and our relationship has continued to grow despite it. Anyway, for two people beginning a relationship to start having sex at that point may not seem like enough time to some people, but it's certainly long enough for others, and in my case, we were both more than ready. She has told me on many occasions that sex can be the ultimate form of intimacy, and she is right. Yes, you should establish a good basis for the relationship before you have sex, because relationships that are totally reliant on sex as the lynchpin of it are destined to fail. But I don't think if we had been having this conversation 10 months ago that things would have turned out differently for me.

    So, in principle I get what you're saying, but that ship sailed, so it's moot. I'm not going to stop having sex with this woman, and I feel strongly that I'm finally on the right path to getting P out of my life. My relationship is solid, but it will be much more so when I'm clean for an extended period, because my guilt over not stopping yet has been a real drag on my psyche.

    Much appreciative to all of you.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Sounds like your clear and confident in what you need to do, Moz. Good for you:D
     
  11. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    How are things, Moz?
     
  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Things are fine. GF was over last night, and I'll see her again tonight. As good as real sex is, especially considering I went so many years without it, the chaser effect is still something to deal with, just as it is with fake sex (porn). So I am on guard. But there's no way I'm going to peek. One good sign is that I'm not focusing much on the number of days now that I've got some distance behind me and the habit. I suppose it's because I'm feeling comfortable and confident about my resolve.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  13. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Awwwww yeah, Mozenjo! Look at this guy. As we say in my country:

    [​IMG]

    And with no mention of ED, I note.
    And with 19 clean days.

    You're a long way from where you where at the outset of this journey. Good for you, man.

    All the best. Keep up the good work.
     
  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Having confidence in our resolve is a good thing, Moz:) Keep up your good work!
     
  15. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Thanks! Things look set to change next year, so we’ll see where that takes us. Thanks to modern tech staying in contact is no problem. People used to maintain distance relationships with letter writing...I can’t remember the last time I wrote a letter!....Maybe I should surprise my GF with one.
     
  16. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    That’s great!

    Keep going.
     
  17. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Checking in to say hey, Moz:)
     
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, Apeman, I wish there was no ED to report. I had a bout of it Wednesday night, and that's because I did not take the little blue pill. Even though I do a low dosage, it definitely helps. And I need to start weaning off it. I don't like the side effects. It will take more time with no P.
    As for the clean days, yes, I'll click over to 3 weeks tonight.
    Thanks for your support!
     
  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I'm sure she'd love it, Clovis! I think most women have always loved having their guy write them letters, but since it's such a rare thing nowadays, it would be a real treat for her.
     
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey NCBob, just now sitting down at the computer. I'm pretty tired, but after a long day of errands and chores, it's time to hunker down and check a few things off my to-do list at work.
    We're chuggin' along, man. Feels good being clean!
     
    NCBob likes this.

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