Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    And where the hell are you, Moz:)
    Hope all is hell, er, uh, well:D
     
  2. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Boy isn't that the truth!
     
  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    There's something to be said about those newfangled YBR 'cloaking devices', Moz. We're never able to see your presence on the forum each time you show up:D
     
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    OK, un-cloaking :cool: Thanks for the nudge, NCBob.
    I'm in a new cycle that is in some ways better than it was in the past (1 to 2 weeks clean and then a slip), but since I'm in a relationship now, what has happened is that I'm following the path of least resistance. Meaning, have sex with the GF and also give in to the addiction when the cravings pour in. So really, it's just the same old, same old. Just with a relationship thrown in. One good thing about giving it a couple weeks is the ability to have at least a little distance behind the last slip and the perspective that naturally comes from that. Meaning, taking dopamine hits doesn't provide satisfaction, just momentary gratification that fades quickly while the brain keeps pushing the lever because it "needs" more gratification. When it really doesn't. More often than not, I just don't want to O to porn. I end up finishing thinking about a real woman in my life. So, nothing more to say, other than awareness of this situation isn't nearly enough to get me to where I want to be. I'm still stuck in the house with my foot healing, so getting out and re-directing my energy is harder than usual. But with the pandemic still goin' on, everybody's in that boat.
    So, that 30 days clean is still a goal. And the only way to get there is to go 30 days clean. Duh!
     
    positivef, NCBob and Gil79 like this.
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Good to hear from you, Moz:cool:
    The path of least resistance is so easy to follow, and especially if dopamine greases the skids. I need to keep reminding myself that PMO is only about getting a fix of dopamine, and nothing more. If I'm able to see it from that perspective, then I've got a decision tree in hand to help me navigate, rather than my putz in hand to help me masturbate:D
    If you're going to make 30 days clean, you've got lots of decisions to make:)
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    bump, Moz:D
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Counter back up.
    Some bad news on my foot yesterday. I'll be stuck at home for another long while. It's not healing very quickly. Not exactly sure why, but any activity that could even hint at messing with the bone's ability to heal MUST be stopped. As if I didn't have good reason to stop anyway. I'm frustrated to no end. Was actually pretty depressed yesterday. I don't mind working from home, but my resolve breaks down when I'm stuck in my ruts. And sitting here staring at the computer all day is a pretty unhealthy rut. So I'm getting more exercise (safely), more sunshine (to absorb the Vitamin D I'm taking), and trying to stay positive.

    I'm going to keep the counter on the board at least until I hit 30 days, which is elusive as ever. But my next xray session is in 30 days, so there's a coincidental date to hopefully help keep me on track.
     
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    My girlfriend and I had a bad evening Saturday. The argument was a rehash of the same thing that bugged me when we were on vacation a few weeks ago. Both times, something that did hurt me pretty deeply were not dealt with in a mature manner. Too much alcohol made what could have been a healthy discussion into an unhealthy one. She doesn't like conflict or arguing, and neither do I, but this time may be it for her. She's away with her mother at the coast this week, and re-evaluating our relationship and whether she wants to deal with the pattern I've exhibited of getting bent at things she says. She doesn't want to walk on eggshells around me, and she shouldn't. But, words do matter, and our challenge if we move forward is going to revolve around being comfortable around each other while being respectful. It's a fine line. When the guards are down, and people feel free to be vulnerable and just speak their minds, sometimes feelings get hurt. This is something I've dealt with in previous relationships. I haven't been in one for 10 years (my marriage), and my ex and I weren't exactly good at dealing with this stuff. We were not very compatible. I do feel much more compatible this time around, but I may have screwed it up.

    Last two nights I was thinking I'd just go to bed and not PMO to relieve the stress, and failed both times. Ugh. I'm really in a bad space right now. Will call my brother later today, and will make this a clean day. PMO will only deepen my depair.
     
  9. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Moz, it's not so much the words, and rather, our emotional reaction to the words that can make or break what happens going forward. If we can express how we feel, rather than react to how we feel, that makes all the difference. The less time spent with PMO, the more time being able to process, rather react to our uncomfortable emotions. Good luck, mate:)
     
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Checking in. Not sure what the future has in store for me and the GF, but no matter how it pans out, removing porn from my life is key for my future well-being. As always.
    I feel helpless being home with her on vacation. We've been texting, but pretty innocuous stuff considering she deservedly wants to enjoy herself without the burden of dealing with our relationship problem. So I'm pretty anxious this week.
    Day 3 moving along. Will keep checking in.
     
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    You're right, NCBob. For better or worse, the next day my sober self was able to express to her what it was about what she said that hit me so hard. It wasn't her delivery nearly as much as the meaning of what she said, so it's up to both of us to decide whether it will be a deal-breaker or not. At least now she knows how I feel about it.
     
    NCBob and positivef like this.
  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Saw the GF last night. We talked some more about our issues, and it was a very positive evening. No rush on getting back in the sack. I'm really in love with this woman, and just like being with her.
    I debated on whether to reset the other night, since I started into the ritual. But stopped before getting too far. Woke up the next morning and watched a couple of "dopamine detox" videos. I didn't entire detox yesterday, but kept screen time to a minimum and worked a lot outside (challenging with my foot the way it is). Feeling like I'm on the right track, but I've got to hunker down and stay away from the computer and phone at night. That's when autopilot usually takes over. 30 days maketh a new habit. That's the story. Need to maketh that happen, cuz this this hamster wheel I'm on is getting exhausting.
     
    forlorn, NCBob and positivef like this.
  13. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Wonderful !
     
  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Relationships that become solid need difficult and potentially relationship-ending conversations to allow them to become that way. It sounds like you're doing your part, mate:)
     

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