Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    That's a good summation, Moz:) I didn't realize they both were gone, until you mentioned this. And here we are:D
     
  2. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Maybe and maybe not, Moz:) Without you showing up on the board, it's hard to know....
    What was it that Shakespeare said? To post, or not to post, that is the question...:D
    Only you can answer it:)
     
  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Back on the boards. So I ended up breaking my ankle hiking with the GF last Saturday. Didn't know it was broken until Tuesday, and I've been in a cast since then. I guess if I'm going to be stuck at home for a month or more, now is the time to do it o_O For those of you who have had foot or leg breaks where you can't put weight on the injury, you know how much this sucks!
    PMO'd on Wednesday, but at least I didn't waste tons of time on it. Still, it was utterly unsatisfying. Contrast that with some decent sex with the GF last night (no O for me though), and well...there you go. I have O'd several times with her, but she asked last night why I didn't. I told her that sometimes it's just a matter of friction, which is true. She said, "you mean, like masturbation?", and I said yes. I had already told her that I took a long break from dating, and she gets it that I've M'd a lot since then. I've already told her that I'm trying to quit porn. We care for each other a lot, and though I don't go into all the gory details of my struggles here, I will not lie to her about it when the subject comes up. So I consider myself to be a very lucky man.
    Will be working here at the computer all day. It's Day 4 of being clean, and I will make it through this day.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Just a post to clarify that I did not like your post because you broke your ankle :D (that is really shitty, I hope you recover fast and well). It is awesome that you're at such level with your gf that you can talk about these things. In terms of overcoming the addiction, this is 100x more effective than having a good streak.
     
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  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It wasn't until I found the site yourbrainonporn that I heard the phrase "death grip." The great news is when we leave our peckers alone our body begins to feel again. Glad you have such an understanding gf, but personally I wouldn't overshare. You've read this from me before on other guys pages, I'm sure, but I think it's easy to make our partner our confessor. Even the most understanding person has frailties and ego issues. Secondly, even an evolved person can't help think of the comparison between a hot porn star and their regular self.

    Sorry to hear about your ankle and hope I haven't overstepped. You are obviously experiencing great growth in yourself. :)
     
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  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Gil! I suppose I should also feel fortunate that the GF is different than others I've had (not to mention the wife) who were more apt to want all the dirt, and to talk it to death. She even confessed to me that she's more from Mars than Venus. Meaning, not as comfortable dwelling on dicey subjects. My kinda woman :D
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yeah, the famous death grip. It is not easily replicated by the female anatomy. Maybe when we were 19, but...
    Anyway, you didn't overstep. I've been reading your posts for years now. I know that when something you say stings at first (which your comment above didn't even come close to), it's usually because you're right, and our big egos don't want to admit it at first. Hey, you advised me to just get back into dating instead of waiting for the "right" time. So what did I do? I started dating this girl. Granted, my friend was insistent that I meet her, and I got pretty lucky with this one, but still. Thanks for being frank, Saville. Hmm, Frank Saville; sounds like a private eye :D
     
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  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Wow, it's been a week.
    Somebody up there must like me, cuz I'm able to have sex without re-fracturing my ankle :D
    Not quite ready to take the training wheels off (i.e. little blue pill), but as long as I can stay porn-free, which is still a work in progress, then it will happen.
    Been squeaky clean for about 4 days, which is nothing to shout about, but I'm feeling good about it, and not feeling urges other than to hop in the sack with the GF again. That's actually progress.
     
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  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That is HUGE progress. Desire for an actual person is incredible growth!
     
    Mozenjo likes this.
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Moz, you give new meaning to 'break a leg':)
    As long as the middle one isn't broken, you're still in the saddle:D
     
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  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I'm going way too long between posts. Finally finished my latest side job. There will be some finish up work before my client can pull their building permit, but the slog is mainly over. I took this job on because I worked with them years ago, and they wanted to work with me again, but in hindsight, I'm not sure I'd do it again if I could go back to that decision point. My girlfriend is ecstatic. She's been sharing me with the ball and chain that is my moonlight work for the whole 7 months we've known each other...and she was getting pretty tired of it. A huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. We can spend more time with each other and get to know each other better. Hope that works out and she likes what she sees :D
    And I can write in my journal without feeling like I need to hurry the hell up and get back to work.
    Once again, however, my goal of staying clean through the difficult times has been spotty. Even when I spend a few minutes looking at some tame stuff, the bottom line is I just want to get a dopamine hit. And it keeps me enslaved. Last night the GF pointed out that addictions are escapism. Which of course is true, and escaping from that escapism turns out to be a monumental task, as we all know. But it can be done. Plenty of success stories here prove that.
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2020
    Gil79 likes this.
  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Just read the first couple pages of my journal. Haven't done that in probably a couple years. The momentum to succeed at this ebbs and flows, but even when the energy to keep going is low, what I learned back then is that writing helps get through it. As I begin Day 9 totally clean, I have the benefit of being in a relationship, which wasn't the case back then. That's not to say I couldn't have slain this beast back then. I could have, and should have. But I didn't, and I can't change that. I can just change the NOW.
    I'm feeling good, and having good old fashioned real sex with a woman I'm very much attracted to is boosting my confidence a lot. Last night I took a very low dose of V to see if I could perform just as well as with a normal dose. I did! My brain is re-adjusting. I'm thinking tonight I'll go without the help at all and see what happens. I obviously don't want to be dependent on artificial stimulation.
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2020
    Saville likes this.
  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    We had a little too much to drink last night, and got on the topic of where our relationship is going. The mood was squelched when we pushed each other's buttons a bit. Nothing too dramatic, but in hindsight, I think we came out of it fine.
    So this morning we gave it a go, and though I started out hard as a rock, once it was time to dive in, no go. It wasn't as disappointing as I thought it might be, and she was fine with it. We had sex the two nights before that, so now that we have a good number of successful sessions behind us, the times when I peter out :rolleyes: aren't such a big deal. But...no pharmaceutical help didn't work, so I know I need to keep the no-fap, no arousal train rolling. I'm only on Day 10 today. I can't expect miracles.
     
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  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Sex two nights in a row is great! You are rewiring and the results speak for themselves. I still have times where I feel the rod getting softer, but staying in the moment usually brings it back. Your frame of mind sounds excellent.
     
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  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Saville. Funny how making a commitment to something changes your frame of mind. I'm still me, getting aggravated at small and stupid things, procrastinating, etc., and I want to work on improving myself in those areas too. But I'm on Day 11, and it feels so good to be off the nagging pull to peek. Had a few moments yesterday when the habit reminded me it was still there, but I let those reminders pass and moved on. It's refreshing to feel like yanking on the pecker is not something that needs to be done regularly. Or at all.
     
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  16. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    The habit will always be there, and the ability to choose differently will be there as well. Keep up your excellent efforts, Moz:)
     
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well said NCBob. Working on Day 16. A little stumble a couple nights ago, but I pulled back before losing total control. No P, but some swimsuit pix, a little touching, and that was it. So I felt like shit for falling into that old trap, but also felt pretty good the next morning considering my will to stop it. Was with the GF last night, which was the best reminder ever that this re-wiring project MUST continue. Keeping calm and carrying on...
     
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  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Day 4 in progress. One thing that has remained constant through all of this is my need to "clear the decks" when I falter. And unfortunately that usually involves PMOing. I tell myself that if I'm going to start from zero again, I might as well tie one on. That's such faulty thinking. It's the addict re-asserting control. So, in my last post I mentioned that I was going to keep my streak going despite some peeking and touching. That doesn't work for me. Never has, never will. A commitment to stay clean is a straightforward thing. Clean is clean. Maybe we all have our own gauges on what clean is and isn't, but to me it's pretty simple stuff. Stop peeking, stop touching, stop fantasizing, just move on when urges hit.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It really is the addict giving us just the rationalization we want. I've done the same thing with food, my other nemesis. I promise myself I'll start my diet tomorrow, which gives me an excuse to eat anything I want. The next day I feel sick and low, but desperately want to eat more junk.

    You're getting there, bud!
     
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  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    "I think I can, I think I can..." So said the Little Engine That Could.
    "So let it be written, so let it be done." So said Yul Brynner.
    "The hell with this fucking addiction". So said Moz.
     
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