Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Feeling better, but still worried at how easily I can fall. The same day I wrote the last entry, I did it again. Not much commitment there.
    As I said on the first page of my journal almost six year ago (!), I need to hit this from every angle if I have a shred of hope of recovering from this scourge...
     
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  2. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Every angle includes reaching out for help when the urge hits, Moz:) Still waiting for you to PM when this happens....:D
     
  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks NCBob. I really appreciate that.
    I reset last night, though not for PMOing, but stepping out of bounds anyway. I went to bed thinking I was OK to keep the counter where it was, and woke up wondering how I ever could have convinced myself of that. At the moment of decision last night, I actually paused and said to myself, "this is the moment of decision", and still forged ahead with the same ridiculous notion that a small taste would be OK. Unfortunately, at that moment, reaching out to someone isn't on my mind. I needed to reach within and tell myself that the decision to forge ahead on the wrong path will only bring misery. I didn't do that. I have some controls in place. I went around them. This is all about me taking control of myself. I know that's the obvious problem we're all trying to solve here. I'm struggling mightily, but I'm in this fight until I win.
     
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  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    To do this in a way that works, you'll also need to reach outside yourself for some help MOZ:) Otherwise, things may never change....
     
  5. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Yes, inside is necessary but dibt alienate yourself from others. I dont think that will work as NCBOB said.
     
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  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you NCBob and Bobo.
    I debated on whether to word my last post the way I did. If it seems like I'm alienating myself from others, then if I've offended anyone in the process, that's that last thing I want to do. I will say that I was starting to feel like giving in again last night, and was going in that direction, but came here to pull out of it. Reading your posts jolted me into stopping. There are times when our friends "poke the bear" to get us to change our behavior. I remember Saville was really good at poking the bear. And I respected him for that. He intuitively knows that being nice all the time isn't going to work on some people. We're not here to just post interminably about doing the same thing over and over if we're not actually going to make a change in our lives. So, if I don't reach out to have someone talk me off the ledge, and I just reach out here after I've already jumped off, I get that maybe I'm not doing myself a good service.

    I talked to my brother the other day about how I continue to struggle. He says he hasn't looked at porn in 4 months, but that he still finds himself intentionally seeking stories or ads that will somehow bring him to pictures of attractive women. Non-nude, but still feeding the addiction. He's not as deep into this as I am, but he's still not completely out of the woods either. Maybe after I told him of my addiction, and he admitted that he was also becoming addicted, he pulled out of it before getting too far gone. I'm happy that he has had more success than I have. Talking to him and reading your posts, I'm feeling shame at not getting better. Shame can be a good thing.

    So, I'm still here, and I'll post more.
     
  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I think what Bobo meant was to not seclude yourself on an island during your recovery process. This has nothing to do with offending anyone, and everything to do with not reaching out for help to others when things get slippery. We CANNOT do this alone, Moz:cool: Even as posting on our journals is a great thing, we also need people in our lives we can reach out in real time to talk with. Recovery is not an isolated event:)
    That being said, I'm glad you're talking with your brother about this. Having someone in your family who can relate is a bonus:D
    Keep on keepin' on!
     
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you sir.
    Yes, reaching out to my brother, as well as my "brothers" here, has kept me going on this journey and on this forum. I'm a solitary guy in a lot of ways, and being an island is not unusual for me. So it's been a liberating experience to open up like this. Thanks again for being there for me.

    Had another predictable experience in bed with the GF last night. I had to please her without the help of Woody. Which was still very nice for both of us, but damn! It is of course directly related to my continued use. When it worked so well a couple of weeks ago, I had been clean for a couple weeks. The solution is staring me in the face and saying, "come on, man. When are you just going to get with the program here?"

    Keepin' on.
     
  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Listening to a talk on addiction, and how the goal is to reprogram your automatic pilot so that relying on willpower is minimized or eliminated. If we don't want to do what we're addicted to, we won't need to force ourselves not to do it.
    This takes work, especially for the first 30 days. That's why there are so many 30-day programs or "challenges" out there.
    I've been dancing around the fire these last few days, and that's not going to cut it.
    It's 30 days CLEAN. Whatever it takes to get there.
     
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Is it 30 days clean, or 30 days between posts, MOZ?:D
     
  11. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Looks like it's 30 days removed from being on the forum, Moz. At least you got the number right:cool:
    Time to put back on your posting shoes:)
     
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  12. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Good to hear from you Moz
     
  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    That's not Moz:D
     
  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, here I am. Crawling out from under my rock. And no, NCBob, I did not go 30 days clean. It hasn't been a disastrous run, but also not where I want to be...

    My girlfriend and I continue to do well. After almost 6 months, we've found the things about each other that annoy us. And I have to remind myself daily that, so far anyway, none of these annoyances are deal-killers. Any fantasies I may still have been harboring that I would find someone perfect for me need to be squashed. She's wonderful, and quite a bit younger than me. So I'm trying not to sabotage a really good thing, and to make the most of this situation while I can. We are having great sex fairly regularly now, which is still amazing to me, considering my dead-dick 50's that are thankfully in the rear-view mirror. So far, the 60's are way better!!!

    Granted, the little blue pill is largely responsible for that. I'm not proud of that fact. It has become my new crutch. The addict says, "wow dude, you can have your cake and eat it too!" OK, the cake doesn't really taste like cake if you know what I mean (unless you're into tuna cake), but it's been so long, I'm enjoying the hell out of it! However, taking a drug to produce the mojo my body should produce without it is not good. I don't care how many guys rely on it. I would imagine there are probably millions of guys who watch porn and have sex with real women only because of this stuff. As I've learned, Viagra (sildenafil) was developed to treat high blood pressure in the lungs, and the guys who took it for that reason realized soon enough that, not only was it effectively treating their high blood pressure, they also had giant boners for hours on end. So what's not to like? Hint: it's the side effects. Headache, racing heart, etc. No bueno. I'm sure there are plenty of people who are not on porn who use the drug due to other problems, but for me, it's only because of the porn. Which of course gives me one more good reason to give it up. All roads always lead to this inescapable fact.

    To be honest, I wasn't sure I was going to come back to this place. The drama around one of our long-standing member's exit from the forum, along with his buddy's gas-lighting of people like me who are still struggling after being here for a long time, made me wonder whether being here was more of a hindrance than a help to guys out there who are desperate to give this shit up. But those thoughts are not new to me, and I keep coming back because I have company, and we are better at this when we help each other. So, the basics are still there. No peeking. As in NONE. It will lead to a fall every time. Not always during the same episode that I peek, but it gets the ball rolling so that I will ramp back up to a fall eventually. It's the deadly cycle.

    Clean, clean, clean. That's the only way.
     
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  15. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    :rolleyes::confused::eek::D
     
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  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You deserve every bit of enjoyment that comes your way. I think it's just fine to take the blue pill if that helps. I'm similar in age to you and the fact is our boners are not going to be the same as a 40 year olds. 40new30 took the blue pill at the beginning to help him with confidence and look what a roll he went on! He weaned himself off and eventually didn't need them at all. Your progress is great!

    This is so true!!
     
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  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Saville! You're right; if I use some pharmaceutical help in this transition period as a way of getting confident in bed again, while I abstain from porn at the same time, then I don't need to bash myself for it.
    I'm only at 3 days squeaky clean, so I've got some more time to get under my belt. I'm so used to a little dab here and a little dab there, I've forgotten what real abstinence is like. It's a liberating feeling knowing you are breaking the shackles of addiction. One foot in front of the other. On the right path this time.
     
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  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Man, is it ever! :)
     
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Glad to see you back on the forum, Moz:)
    What was the drama that gave y0u second thoughts about coming back here? I must have missed something in the translationo_O
    Keep postin, my friend:D
     
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    There was a guy whose posts were becoming very explicit descriptions of his exploits with women. Someone called him on it, essentially saying that this wasn't the place for that. Someone else agreed. I've never been one to be very triggered by the written word, but there are obviously lots of guys who are. Remember the Penthouse Forum? There was and still is a market for explicit erotica. Anyway, someone came to the guy's defense, saying he was inspired by his friend's posts, and that people who are triggered by them and/or have been here for a long time without getting off porn are just weak-willed. He went on. Both guys aren't here anymore. I'll leave it at that.
     
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