Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Feeling better, but still worried at how easily I can fall. The same day I wrote the last entry, I did it again. Not much commitment there.
    As I said on the first page of my journal almost six year ago (!), I need to hit this from every angle if I have a shred of hope of recovering from this scourge...
     
    NCBob likes this.
  2. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Every angle includes reaching out for help when the urge hits, Moz:) Still waiting for you to PM when this happens....:D
     
  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks NCBob. I really appreciate that.
    I reset last night, though not for PMOing, but stepping out of bounds anyway. I went to bed thinking I was OK to keep the counter where it was, and woke up wondering how I ever could have convinced myself of that. At the moment of decision last night, I actually paused and said to myself, "this is the moment of decision", and still forged ahead with the same ridiculous notion that a small taste would be OK. Unfortunately, at that moment, reaching out to someone isn't on my mind. I needed to reach within and tell myself that the decision to forge ahead on the wrong path will only bring misery. I didn't do that. I have some controls in place. I went around them. This is all about me taking control of myself. I know that's the obvious problem we're all trying to solve here. I'm struggling mightily, but I'm in this fight until I win.
     
    Fish Hawk and NCBob like this.
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    To do this in a way that works, you'll also need to reach outside yourself for some help MOZ:) Otherwise, things may never change....
     
  5. Fish Hawk

    Fish Hawk Well-Known Member

    Yes, inside is necessary but dibt alienate yourself from others. I dont think that will work as NCBOB said.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you NCBob and Bobo.
    I debated on whether to word my last post the way I did. If it seems like I'm alienating myself from others, then if I've offended anyone in the process, that's that last thing I want to do. I will say that I was starting to feel like giving in again last night, and was going in that direction, but came here to pull out of it. Reading your posts jolted me into stopping. There are times when our friends "poke the bear" to get us to change our behavior. I remember Saville was really good at poking the bear. And I respected him for that. He intuitively knows that being nice all the time isn't going to work on some people. We're not here to just post interminably about doing the same thing over and over if we're not actually going to make a change in our lives. So, if I don't reach out to have someone talk me off the ledge, and I just reach out here after I've already jumped off, I get that maybe I'm not doing myself a good service.

    I talked to my brother the other day about how I continue to struggle. He says he hasn't looked at porn in 4 months, but that he still finds himself intentionally seeking stories or ads that will somehow bring him to pictures of attractive women. Non-nude, but still feeding the addiction. He's not as deep into this as I am, but he's still not completely out of the woods either. Maybe after I told him of my addiction, and he admitted that he was also becoming addicted, he pulled out of it before getting too far gone. I'm happy that he has had more success than I have. Talking to him and reading your posts, I'm feeling shame at not getting better. Shame can be a good thing.

    So, I'm still here, and I'll post more.
     
  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I think what Bobo meant was to not seclude yourself on an island during your recovery process. This has nothing to do with offending anyone, and everything to do with not reaching out for help to others when things get slippery. We CANNOT do this alone, Moz:cool: Even as posting on our journals is a great thing, we also need people in our lives we can reach out in real time to talk with. Recovery is not an isolated event:)
    That being said, I'm glad you're talking with your brother about this. Having someone in your family who can relate is a bonus:D
    Keep on keepin' on!
     
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you sir.
    Yes, reaching out to my brother, as well as my "brothers" here, has kept me going on this journey and on this forum. I'm a solitary guy in a lot of ways, and being an island is not unusual for me. So it's been a liberating experience to open up like this. Thanks again for being there for me.

    Had another predictable experience in bed with the GF last night. I had to please her without the help of Woody. Which was still very nice for both of us, but damn! It is of course directly related to my continued use. When it worked so well a couple of weeks ago, I had been clean for a couple weeks. The solution is staring me in the face and saying, "come on, man. When are you just going to get with the program here?"

    Keepin' on.
     
  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Listening to a talk on addiction, and how the goal is to reprogram your automatic pilot so that relying on willpower is minimized or eliminated. If we don't want to do what we're addicted to, we won't need to force ourselves not to do it.
    This takes work, especially for the first 30 days. That's why there are so many 30-day programs or "challenges" out there.
    I've been dancing around the fire these last few days, and that's not going to cut it.
    It's 30 days CLEAN. Whatever it takes to get there.
     
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Is it 30 days clean, or 30 days between posts, MOZ?:D
     
  11. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Looks like it's 30 days removed from being on the forum, Moz. At least you got the number right:cool:
    Time to put back on your posting shoes:)
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  12. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Good to hear from you Moz
     
  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    That's not Moz:D
     

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