Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Moz, have you ever heard of the 5-part story on holes?
    Here's chapter one:
    A man walks down a road with a huge hole in the middle of it. He falls in....
     
  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Almost coughed my coffee up on that one! :D Yeah, that's me, heading towards the hole ad nauseum... maybe that's a better metaphor than slipping down the mountain. Hanging onto the edge of the hole for dear life!
    Staying home sick today. I have to be vigilant today. I need to take the road without the giant hole in it.
    Thanks NCBob.
     
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  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    :D
     
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Fell into the hole. Was tempted to remove the counter. Not going to do that. Day 1 again. Off to work.
    I must correct my recent slip back into not caring enough about doing this. I have to care. I DO care.
     
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Day 2 ahead. Seeing the GF tonight, though she's still sick. I feel terrible for letting this addiction jeopardize things with her. When I'm in the heat of the moment, I stop thinking about that. I need to do this for me, whether I'm in a relationship or not. I need to be the person I know I can be.
     
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  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Moz, as you may already be aware, being in a relationship always creates complexities to the stuff we're already dealing with. Are you seeing a therapist on a regular basis? Do you have a men's support group? Are you working with a sponsor? If you're trying to do all of this on your own, you may be setting yourself up for failure. As Einstein said, insanity is doing the same thing over again while expecting different results:)
     
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, NCBob, I do not do any of the things you mention. I'm going to check into the resources at work, which are confidential. I'm sure there are therapists around who have experience with this. I saw a therapist when I was married, and I suppose it helped somewhat. If that isn't the ticket, a big change in my behavior is obviously in order.
    I'm also going to break out the "workbook" I bought at the end of my marriage on dealing with porn addiction that I never really got into. It uses CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to treat the addiction.

    Yesterday I logged onto yourbrainonporn for the first time in quite awhile. The website has been redesigned, and is full of headlines from people touting NoFap and the 90 day abstinence, and how their lives have been transformed. I'm going to read many of them in the coming days. I listened to a lecturer who brought up the research that is being done on addicts, and how their brains have structural problems with controlling impulses. Not revelatory, but still good to hear again. So yes, assuming I can do this alone is the wrong assumption. I cannot.

    Today I am finishing 3 days clean. Really clean. Not sorta clean. That's my biggest nemesis; continuing to dwell on images, focusing on women's looks too much, and pixels and more pixels. So the recreational screen time has to end. My phone can be my enemy. But I am the one who must ultimately control what I do with it and with this machine I'm on now.

    So I'm going to keep plugging away at my project, and when I'm done with it I'm going to spend more time with the new GF (who I had a wonderful time with last night despite the ED) and stop taking on side jobs. That's one piece of this insanity I need to stop.

    I had a relatively easy time going 25 days recently. I was only 5 days away from 30, and if I just kept going, I'd be closer to 90 and probably having successful sex right now.

    So, Day 3 is going to translate to Day 4 tomorrow, but rather than focusing too much on the number, I need to focus on the quality of each of those days. Clean feels so good. Whether I'm single or in a relationship, being clean will improve the quality of my life immeasurably.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2020
    NCBob likes this.
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    A quick log-in to report that things are going well. I'm remembering all the little things I used to do to keep myself on track. One day at a time. Today I will continue to focus on real life. And stop surfing the net so much, even if it's to read the news.
     
  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    As I sit here working this morning, I am really having to be conscious of how automatic it is to put my hand down there. Kind of like a security blanket. Alert! It shouldn't be a security blanket. I'm not a little kid anymore. And, of course, the more the hand is there, it's just a matter of time before things escalate. So, one of my new habits has to be to stay aware of the little things that trip me up. This is definitely one of them.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Good that you're starting to get a grip on your recovery, rather than yourself, Moz:D
     
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Had a bit of a meltdown this morning. My dog is getting old, and is increasingly incontinent. So another morning of sopping up his pee from the carpet. I didn't really blow up at him, since it's not his fault, but boy did the emotions pour out. With stresses at work, this side job I'm behind on, and my struggles with this addiction, I guess the dog was a convenient excuse to let it out. Not a very healthy outburst, but it happened. My blood pressure was probably through the roof. I should have just jumped on the cardio machine instead.
    Anyway, moving on. Last night I felt the urges creeping back. I was working, and browsed the news, where the onramp usually begins. Just scrolling through the headlines while keeping an eye out for eye candy. No Bueno. That's trolling. When it was clear that I was starting to head out of bounds, I logged off and actually worked for another half hour without incident. So, not perfect, but progress. It usually doesn't go that way. Keeping my hands to myself this morning. Time to shower and hit the road. Going to make it a squeaky clean Day 7.
     
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  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    My sponsor has reminded me that this addiction is a disease of choices, Moz. We have the power to choose in any direction we want. It's just that certain directions cause us to lose our power. Stay disciplined, Moz:)
     
  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Began the day feeling bad. Had a pretty good day yesterday, even though my team didn't win. GF was over, my boys got to meet her. She couldn't stay over since today's a work day, so what did I do? I took my pent up energy and frittered it away.
    I'm watching a YouTube video on self control, and it's pretty good, but I know what I need to do. Just need to do it. I started reading the addiction workbook, but haven't had time to dig in, since this side job is demanding all of my time.

    My brain wants to get over this. Even as I was sort of enjoying the quick fix last night, I still wasn't really enjoying it. Only when looking at a picture of a "real" girl in my life really gets me going. Which is a damn sight better than looking at porn, but it's still not the real thing. Fantasy-land is just that. It's not real. So, I'm getting there, but to get there, that moment of decision that has tripped me up forever needs to end up being a successful moment.
     
  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    3 solid days. Do the right thing, feel good. Do the wrong thing, feel bad.
    Hmm...
    Ready for Day 4
     
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  15. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I remember reading a quote on on Recovery Nation which said something like "the single greatest predictor of success is found in the sincerity of the commitment to succeed"

    And you're right Moz....your primary motivation has to stem from the fact you want to do this for yourself. To be the person you know you can be, for your own peace of mind.
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2020
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  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks forlorn. I like the RN quote. I couldn't agree more. Sincerity of the commitment to succeed. That's it in a nutshell.
    I put some controls on my YouTube account, and even though it blocks me from reading comments, I'm OK with that. Talk about a small price to pay...

    Hey, that 75 days is looking great! Congrats, man.
    I'm heading into Day 5.
     
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Another ED experience with the GF, and she is getting worried. We're doing great otherwise, but she deserves to have me well enough to do what we both want. So, time is only going to heal my brain if I let it. Starting over every week or so will eventually erode this good thing I have right now. I must not let that happen. For those of us who have gone for long stretches without much in the way of urges, I would say we all know that they will return. Long term success means developing the tools to say no and move on when they hit. The most effective tool is not to give in when the tractor beam is trying to take over. Again, the sincere commitment to succeed is what it takes. Among other things, like putting blockers in place, whatever they may be. If you have to stop and think of a way out of the blocks you've created, you have a stronger chance of pausing and saying, "no, I'm not going to undo what I have put in place to keep me in line".

    This is my line in the sand. I will reboot this time. I'm about to roll over into Day 8.
     
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  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Doing well. After 9 days, my body is feeling the yearning, even if there are no P urges. But I'm going for "no arousal", which means no touching. My goal is to only focus on sex when I'm with the GF. No fantasy, no nothin'. Re-booting may be more difficult without total abstinence, but if I'm with a real woman as I get through this, even if it takes longer than without her would, I'll take it. Heading into Day 10.
     
  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I hit 14 days last night, and before heading to the GF's, was feeling pretty good. Had a great weekend with her. Sex was successful, and things looked like they might be turning around. Timing was off for her last night, so we had to wait. Unfortunately, when I came home, I directed my pent up energy the wrong way again.
    Back to it. It's those slips that I must get past.
     
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Home sick today. Some urges, but since I went for round 2 yesterday morning, I know that any further slips will bring me right back into the same old shit. Being sick is a dangerous time, but I am not going to PMO. I've come too far to screw this up again...
     

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