Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Well said!
  2. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Curious where your heart is with your new lady, Moz. That's what makes a relationship sustainable. Everything else just comes and goes:)
  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    NCBob, my heart is very much into this lady. She's the real deal. We had a great weekend, even though I wasn't able to fully satisfy her in bed. She is very understanding, and we got much closer to each other, almost because of my issue. I'm trying to take it slow, but I'm falling in love. As forlorn said in his last post, this habit of ours could sabotage what is turning out to be a great thing. It's up to me to not let that happen. I need more time to let my brain heal, and I only hope she will be patient. I might try the little blue pill to help things along in the meantime...
    NCBob likes this.
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    That's great to hear, Moz:):):)
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thought I should check in, since I just dodged another peeking bullet. The urges haven't been too crazy these past few weeks since I have a new distraction, but they haven't completely disappeared either.
    I did go ahead and get some help for my ED, but even at a low dose, I don't like the increased heart rate and unpredictable timing of the drug. I will say it is probably responsible for my finally breaking my long drought, though I was still not able to stay hard for very long when I was finally able to enter her. But I'll take it. I was wondering if it would ever happen again. It's strange that leading up to that, I was rock hard. I've read other guys say that penetration is where things break down with PIED, and I am living proof of that. So I'm continuing on my reboot while seeing her. Maybe not as effective as total abstinence without a woman in my life, but opportunity knocked, and I answered the door. I'm about to hit 25 days, which is light years better than I've done in years. Must keep going!
    NCBob likes this.
  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Moz, congrats for making it to 25!
    Focus on your heart, not your hard. That's the secret:)
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, I did make it to 25, and have slipped twice in the past 5 days. Not good. This is a very painful lesson indeed. Not that I thought it would be easy. I certainly know that it won't. But with a new relationship at stake, I'm still disappointed in myself. Argh. I let the habit take over during a weak moment, and then the re-starting of the clock almost gave me license to fail a second time. You know, the chaser effect. Working at night is not good. Always my vulnerable time.
    Starting a relationship brings its own new stresses. That may have contributed to my anxiety and maybe even an excuse to distance myself a little from the commitment I'm still not sure I want to make. She's wonderful, but I've been alone so long, and will always enjoy being alone much of the time, so maybe my subconscious is rebelling against a certain loss of control over that.
    Whatever the cause of this fall, the relationship needs to succeed or fail on its own merits, and not on my lack of self control. I have to make sure of that.
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2019
  8. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I know that feeling well.

    Earlier, you said that "urges haven't completely disappeared". The truth is that urges/triggers will always occur, there's no getting away from it. It's biological. An evolutionary thing. You mentioned working at night is always a vulnerable time for you. Is this due to tiredness, loneliness, boredom, opportunity...or something else?

    Good observation. It does sound like there's an element of self destructive behaviour here.

    Go easy on yourself. You already said this woman is very understanding. Focus on the companionship with her above all else.
  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks forlorn. You are right. The urges will come back; just have to know that and let them pass, as they will do if we allow it. I think all the reasons you cite: tiredness, loneliness, boredom, opportunity, are all part of it. Whether there is an underlying desire to sabotage my happiness for some other reason is another thing to consider. I'm really happy when I'm with this woman, so it makes zero sense to torpedo that. Whatever "freedom" I may give up by being in a relationship is more than worth it to me right now. We see each other at most twice a week. That's a decent enough pace to allow me the space I need. I need to continue to enjoy my time with her, and not give myself excuses to avoid it.
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    The same stuff that tripped us up before being in a relationship is going to be the same stuff that trips us up after being in a relationship, Moz. It's simply the same old stuff:) I remember falling in love with my ex-wife, and having a long period of not having to deal with my PMO stuff when we first started dating. The emotional honeymoon was fantastic. I also remember being afraid/leary that my shit would return. It did. 20+ years later, I'm still working on it. Nothing external to myself has ever changed any of that. That which we hang on to will eventually hang on to us, leading to us being well-hung, lol:)

    Hang in there, Moz:D
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2019
  11. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Moz, are you lost in OZ? Hope all is well:)
  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Time to rid yourself of the magician's cape, Moz, and reappear back on the board:)

    2020 is a year of vison...
  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey NCBob,
    Sorry for dropping off. Was out of town for Christmas with the kids, then came back and have been largely off the computer.
    I haven't O'd in 21 days, but did some peeking at P subs and a little M over the holidays, so I reset. I'm about to hit 10 days again, and the last couple of days have been difficult.
    Things are still good with the new girlfriend, though she is anxious for me to be able to sustain through lovemaking. Believe me, so am I !!!
    No real revelations to report; just battling urges as I stay squeaky clean on this latest run. Monk mode, as Rugger calls it...
    NCBob likes this.
  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Monk mode INDEED! Here's to the monk getting under the habits of his new girl as soon as he can, but NOT too soon!

    Sorry if that went too far. No. Not sorry!

    Happy New Year @Mozenjo !

    I made some decisions over a two week vacation at the end of the year. That included investing some time to get out of my journal and communicate with others here in their journals. I've been too much the hermit.

    You are first because you and I have been on this -- path? rollercoaster? -- in parallel almost from the beginning. And you've been so impactful to me over the years.

    You are 9 days and a girlfriend ahead of me right now. But we both know it is not a race!

    I look at all those "regulars" who have dropped off. Some I think got better and left. How are they now? More saddening are those that just quit.

    You are likely as frustrated as I am that we are still fucking here still dealing with this. But the thing to celebrate is that we are still fucking here fighting at the top of the abyss to get healthy instead of having long ago succumbed to the abyss and given up.

    Keep going, MOZ! Thanks for you friendship.

  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    The only revelation I get (if you want to call it that:)), is that you're making progress, Moz. As we all know, this ain't easy. It's progress, not perfection, we're looking for:D
  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Happy New Year to you, Rugger!
    You know as well as I do that many women are not willing to wait for us to get our shit together. Since I got too drunk to perform on New Year's Eve, she was hoping I'd be ready last night. I really wasn't. Anxiety is hitting me from many angles lately; especially the ridiculous workload I have right now. And of course, the disappointment of still dealing with this addiction makes me apprehensive whenever things get super romantic. Yes, it's super frustrating!!! I hope and pray that she hangs in there with me.
    We've been here a long time. But you're right; we're here and still trying, and that beats giving up by a longshot.
    Work your plan, but if you don't have time to do everything you want, just know that staying away from porn is at the top of the list, and the only effort it requires is to NOT do something!
    Thanks for your message, my friend. Stay strong.
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks NCBob! I do feel I'm making progress, and I've acknowledged for the millionth time that if I stand a chance of having a normal love life again, I MUST do what it takes to let my brain heal. When I told my new GF last night that I was going to wind down before bed last night by playing Words With Friends, she said, "better to stay off your phone doing screen time and read a book instead". Smart lady. That's the ticket. Pixels are our nemesis. Actually, when I was playing WWF the other day, after I played a word, the ad that popped up (some kind of ad always pops up after you play a word) was for sexy lingerie. WTF! I clicked off, but for that split second, my brain had a physical reaction to it. It's instantaneous. And insidious. We kind of need to be Luddites when it comes to artificial stimulation.
  18. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Actually, even if all my stuff is mod done but I’m not Hungry Angry Lonely or Tired all is good.

    You mention stress. Stress creates one of those HALT attributes. I’m focused on keeping from getting into a state where HALT happens. It comes from addiction research that I’ve read. I think Anxiety should slide in three too.

    For me if I get in a HALT mode I’m highly likely to self medicate.I’ve given up fighting the effect. HALT represents all my triggers summarized. It’s working 3 days in and i feel like a genius!

    I’ve not read much about your new relationship but if she knows some of what you are dealing with she is invested in the positive outcome. That gives her a reason to stay!keep working!
  19. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Earth to @Moz! I hope things are well.
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the lifeline, Rugger.
    Reset the counter. After a nice night with the GF on Tuesday, I had to come home since the next day was a work day. I still felt sexual energy that was unspent, and ended up MO'ing to her picture (after P subs were unsatisfying). Then more P last night. I'm struggling. The urge to peek must be met with resolve, period. It goes away if I let it go away. I will be at the computer all day today, so the temptation may come and go. I'll come here if I feel weak. Ugh.

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