Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Glad you had a nice time, Moz:) 10 days clean is something to feel good about, as well:D

    The best part of this is being able to be in the moment. Keep up your great efforts!
     
  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks NCBob!
    Last night was number 11. I went back and forth on this, but "tested" myself and hit YouTube to just look at a few women. Normally that would have gone badly, but after a couple of minutes I shut it down fast because I could feel the compulsion starting to kick in. The act of stopping before it was too late was an important step, but being clean means not doing any of this. The old game of trying to convince myself I can handle a few non-P pix is really old. So it's monk mode from here on in...
     
  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Did well sitting at the computer, and then laying down to sleep, succumbed to the urge to peek. The physical pull was strong. My old dilemma of what to do in this case: keep white-knuckling, or M just to get it out, ended up with the usual easy way out. After 12 days, my body wasn't used to not releasing. It's been awhile since I've been in that place. Having pushed through in the past, I know that last night was a milestone of sorts, and that if I hadn't given in, the physical urge would have subsided and I would have survived without exploding.

    I'm really disappointed in myself, but there is no way I'm going to let this stop me. I need to acknowledge that I can do this if I take stock of what my brain does in these last-second cave-ins and just stop caving in.
     
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  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Glad that you checked in here, rather than checked out from the board, Moz:) I sometimes find the urge to drive onto the PMO highway to be overwhelming on a cellular level. White-knuckling has never worked for me. Neither has M. What has worked is doing absolutely nothing either for or against this energy, being in the moment, and then moving on to the next interesting, creative, nurturing, and loving thing for myself. As we both know, not easy to do. Lots of trials, tribulations, and error in this process:)

    Eventually, it becomes just a matter of choice. Again, not easy to do, and yet when I do, I look back, and say "that was easy":)

    My sponsor calls this addiction a disease of choice. So true.
     
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yep. It would have been easy to just go to sleep that night and wake up feeling good about myself. Instead, the usual cycle of regret and dread. Wow, who in their right mind would choose that? Nobody, so I like your idea of being in the moment and consciously thinking about which path is the only path. The one that leads to self esteem and feeling like we're in control of our lives. THAT is what being in your right mind sounds like.

    Halloween party tonight with the new woman. We went out on Thursday night, and I have to admit, I was several notches down in the enthusiasm department from last weekend. This is my pattern. She was sort of following the energy from the other night, but in a way that seemed too fast for me. It was only our second date, and I was feeling, I don't know...trapped. Maybe because I was introduced to her by friends and I would feel bad if I hurt her feelings. Also not as attracted to her as on the first date. Plus, the woman at work is still firmly in my head. As I've said many times here, I'm not sure I want to be in a relationship. I know when I find someone that makes me go, "yeah, this girl is someone I want to spend lots of time with", I'll change my mind. Unfortunately, at least at this moment, I'm not feeling that.

    So I'll go to the party and just have a good time without feeling pressured to dive into something that may not feel right. Hopefully that won't be too tough.
     
  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Just admitting that we're in an uncomfortable space, rather than fighting against it, is the important thing, Moz. It's easy to admit were in a good space, as was the case the first time you went out with this person. Not so easy this time around. And yet, just like your initial wave of attraction came and went, so will this. If you let it:)
     
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well said, NCBob. Your words helped me relax around her on our last date. I had a great time. I think my fear of getting close to someone who might not be the one has held me back way too much in my life. I'm seeing her again tomorrow, and feeling good about it.
    Working from home today. I've faltered this week, which is more proof that having all the incentives in the world to quit, is still not enough. The urges and WTF syndrome and other facets of this addiction will not just go away because you want them to. It takes work. So today, I've already pushed those aside, but they are lingering in the background. I came here to announce that I'm fighting them while I work at the computer all day. Which unfortunately I must do. I'm immersed in my project, but the "take a break and relax" thoughts are already there. I'll take a break and relax at lunch. Without porn. Or subs. Or pixels of any kind. It's no arousal time. Re-wiring will only happen if I let it...
     
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  8. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    So true, Moz. All the wanting in the world won't make a difference. It's the letting go of control that does. That's what I struggle with the most.

    Glad to see that you're posting during your challenging times. That's a clear sign of a willingness to let go of a little bit of control, rather than retreat off into the shadows and maintain full control. Good for you:)
     
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  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks NCBob. Interesting concept: letting go of control as a means of battling addiction. I suppose that could mean different things to different people, and I gather from reading your posts that you mean giving some control up to a higher power...
    And the higher power can also have different meanings for people, but without over-analyzing it, I would say that I'll interpret this idea for myself as admitting that I can't control this completely on my own, and that the help I need from outside myself includes talking about it with others (or writing here about it), and putting controls in place to catch me before I fall.

    Things are moving along with the new woman, and we came really close to going for it last night. Since I gave in to the urges last week here at home, I was anxious about doing the deed so soon. But the equipment was certainly responding last night; I just don't know how it would have played out if we went further. It's amazing how this incredible incentive to finally quit is still meeting its match with the dreadful habit that isn't going to give up without a fight.

    Starting the counter again. And I need to post more often, so I'll do that too.
     
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  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Sounds like you caught my drift, Moz:)

    Keep postin':D
     
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yep, gotta keep posting. For whatever reason, I'm diving in every couple of days lately. This is very frustrating. I think if I had to pin it on something other than the habit not giving up (which is obvious), I'd say maybe I'm hesitant to jump into what is looking like a relationship. She seems to really want one, and I'm alternately excited and terrified about that.
    Resetting the counter so often sucks. I'm not going to erase it this time. I need to get past this. I went 12 days without too much effort recently. This is not going to happen without me posting regularly, putting more guardrails up somehow, and telling myself that there is no good reason to keep up the habit. None.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Glad you're staying on the posting train, Moz:)

    There's a always a good reason we go back to this well, Moz. However, our good reason is centered in small-mindedness, rather than grounded in a much wiser self. Understanding the difference between the two is both the challenge and the opportunity. Progress, not perfection:)
     
  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, and therefore our reason isn't really good, of course. Even in my younger years, before I gained the wisdom that comes with age, I knew this habit was not "good" for me. Satisfying animal urges at the expense of living a fuller life is short-sighted, self-defeating behavior. It's not hard to see the distinction, but it IS hard to lose a life-long habit. The "tractor beam" has been fed with decades of practice. It will not go quietly. When it tries to take over, we have to meet it with an equal force.
    We have to take this damned Mr. Hyde out. Knee-cap the mofo. Cut off his fuel supply.
    That means STOPPING before giving in even a little. It's only hard to not do something if we think we actually need to do it. We can't stop breathing, because we actually need to do that. We don't need to watch porn, despite how strongly our habit has made us think so. We will not die if we stop watching porn. Quite the contrary.
     
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  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    So true, Moz. Glad to have your illuminating presence on the board:)

    Keep postin, through thick and thin....
     
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  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks NCBob.
    Doing fine on this current run. I've got a goal that is keeping me straight. Going out of town for a couple of days next week with the new lady, so if ever there was a reason to just give the habit a break, this is that reason...but I'm realizing that the urges must still be dealt with, and the reasons I give in are still there. So having a woman in my life is not enough to get over this addiction. It helps, but as is always the case, positive changes come with new insecurities and stress. Those are the things that the habit feeds on, so I'm staying on guard.
     
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  16. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Sounds like you've gone from 0 to 60 pretty quickly with this new lady, Moz:) It appears that your sports car still has some giddyap:D

    Nothing outside ourselves will ever resolve what's inside ourselves, although we may become motivated by what's out 'there' to work on what's in 'here'. I wish you the best with that, Moz:)

    Keep posting!
     
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, NCBob, things are moving pretty quickly with the lady. I've got the giddyap; just need it to work when I'm in the saddle! :D Since I'm 10 days into PMO abstinence, I'm really hopeful that by the end of this week my body and mind will reward me with a good experience with her. She's really cool, so I think she'll hang with me if it takes a little time to shake off the rust and let nature take its course the way it should.
    Thanks for supporting me as I work on resolving my "inner" issues.
     
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  18. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Enjoy your time with her, Moz:)
     
  19. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    You have an opportunity to form a meaningful relationship with this woman. Take it steady with her and try not to put too much pressure on yourself. It isn't worth sabotaging your progress by peeking at videos on YouTube.

    I'm planning to do a similar thing. I was reading an old thread on this forum where a poster talks about the fact you must

    "Create a private monastery inside your head and prevent any AROUSING CONTENT from entering from outside (visual cues) or develop inside your head (internal fantasies and memories)"

    "It must be celibacy of body AND MIND."


    It's quite a long post and you may have seen it before, but what he writes makes a lot of sense.

    https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/for...ousal-method-celibacy-of-body-and-mind.14525/
     
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  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the link, forlorn! I actually hadn't read that one yet, and what I have read so far makes sense. I'll read the rest tonight.
    Since I'm going away for the weekend with a lady (for the first time in a crazy long time), keeping my mind off sex right now is kind of impossible. We still haven't crossed the bridge, so to speak, so there's anxiety aplenty there. But almost 2 weeks of abstinence, plus the anticipation of said weekend, is making me one hawny dude!
    Wish me luck. And thanks again.
     
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