Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys.

    Reset.
    My crush on the woman at work has been an unhealthy distraction, so I just deleted the text thread I've had going with her for many months. I could be off (I've sure been off before), but I think she's had an attraction going for me too, at least to some degree. But she is married, and there's a big difference between being attracted to someone and wanting to do something about it. When I was married, I had plenty of crushes I didn't do anything about. She's given me hints that her relationship is stale, but I don't think she's miserable. Anyway, I've decided not to worry about her anymore. Yesterday I felt like she was ready to end whatever flirtation has been going on, even though I was feeling it pretty strong earlier in the week. This is not worth the anguish! I won't text her anymore, and will not go out of my way to be around her at work. We work closely enough as it is, so I'll still see plenty of her. But it's time to move on.

    My tendency to hang on to crushes too long is another symptom of my obsessive/compulsive bent. And so, to prove that point, I PMO'd in an attempt to deaden the pain. Bad move, since it only does that for a VERY brief period. After a nap, I needed to come here and vent my frustration over my self-imposed misery and start the clock fresh.

    I went on a rare 7 day streak PMO free, which ended a few days ago. Starting another streak now. It must be lengthy enough to make some progress on finally re-booting.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  2. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Good move Moz. There is a woman at work which I really struggle with in a similar way, although I'm old enough to be her dad. I just want to stare. :confused:
    So I will go out of my way to avoid her
     
  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    When we set our sights on someone who's not emotionally available, we set ourselves up to not be emotionally available, and in more ways than one. Good decision to close that door, Moz:)
     
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Boxer and NCBob, I really appreciate your support. It's amazing how I can repeatedly set myself up for falls like this. But since I don't do things with women I don't work with, what do I expect?
    Solution: do things with women I don't work with! Wow, genius!
    Still no guarantee I won't develop more crushes on workmates, but I'll at least give myself a fighting chance...
     
  5. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Reading your journal reminds me of the many crushes I have had over the years. I started to empathize as I felt each one of those rejections. After an emotional day at the psychiatrist, I imagine many of my crushes were part of my pursuit to get someone to love me because I don't love myself. That's just me, I'm not assuming that's your issue. I'm just glad I stopped in to read because it has given me much to think about.
     
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey MSC, glad my situation gave you something to relate to. I know everyone's had crushes, and for various reasons. There may be many reasons why someone is attracted to another, but to me, the common thread is, as you say, a need to be loved. That's something every human can relate to. Thanks for checking in!
     
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  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Moz, it reminds me of another reason why we get attracted to folks, and especially to folks who are not emotionally available to us. It allows us to avoid emotional intimacy with ourselves...
     
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  8. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Ouch. Good point @NCBob
    I know I am guilty of that. I come from a family of rescuers. I recently heard a podcast where the guest was talking on the topic and even though I already knew I had this issue of wanting to save and fix everyone else, it was good to hear I wasn't alone. In my youth, I think I moved from one relationship to the next, or one crush to the next because the last one got complex. I wanted to avoid the work around myself or the relationship and went in search of something new. It turns out that "It's not you, it's me" is right on the money. :D
     
    NCBob likes this.
  9. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    It seems so much easier to help someone row their own boat, rather than focus on what's not working in our own boat, MSC:) It would appear that appearances are deceiving, lol.

    If I recall correctly, the song goes: "row, row, row your boat...", rather than "row, row, row their boat...":D
     
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Get your a$$ back on the board, Moz:D
     
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    OK, here I am :cool:
    Today I'm going to call a woman a friend suggested I talk to. She's recently become single again, and is open to meeting me. We'll see how it goes.
    Between thinking about that, trying not to think about the woman at work, a new side job, the usual frantic day job stuff, etc., my anxiety levels have been pretty high lately. Using the wrong balm to soothe it.
    So I'm going to go work out later.
    My brother and I were talking the other day about how in the old days, looking at porn didn't seem to cause ED. Back then, however, we were younger and more (ahem) virile, and looked mainly at pics in magazines. I told him about the effects of internet porn, and how much different it is on our brains. Add to that the fact that we're a tad longer in the tooth, now, and well, you get the drift...
     
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  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)


    I was remembering the other day how I used to get all worked up in high school each time the monthly Andrews Air Force Base Bulletin came out. They used to have a little 2 x 3 inch black and white picture of some bikini clad babe printed on one of the pages inside. Back then, a little went a long way. Our brains can't keep up with what's available on line now....

    Good luck with that phone call, Moz:)
     
  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Had a nice talk with the friend's friend last night. About an hour, I guess. She seems really cool. We're going out week after next. At this point in my life, I can't really worry about what anybody thinks if we don't hit it off. This will be my first real date in 3 years. When I was doing the online dating thing, I went on so many one-off dates, I really soured on the experience. Maybe that gave me another excuse for giving up and pullin' the pud instead...and the ED didn't help at all. I was pretty damned attracted to 2 of the 4 women I got naked with and couldn't perform for. So worrying about it happening again (which is pretty likely, I guess?) won't help the situation. When that opportunity arises :rolleyes: I will need to be kind to myself and acknowledge that more time and a lot more porn have happened since then, and if the equipment won't get started, it's because I just plain need to reboot.

    OK, sounds like I'm getting way ahead of myself here. I'll just focus on staying clean and having a good time on my date. Even if it's another one-off!
     
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  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yup, this is what you're in control of. And, as you say, be gentle with yourself. It took me awhile to get my pecker back, but I didn't put any (or much) pressure on myself to bone the wife. There's nothing wrong with us physically. Once we ditch PMO the rewiring begins and we heal; it's as simple at that.

    So cool about the date! :)
     
  15. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Outstanding! Relax and enjoy
     
  16. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    If only there was a switch on the side of my head to turn off anxious what-if thoughts. I have been better at catching myself with this, but there's also some logic in looking ahead. I've been trying to zoom into what can I do in this moment or the next few hours? Worry about whether I will have ED tomorrow night is almost like a guarantee I will because I won't be in the moment. Instead, I'll be like "I told you so!" Like Freddie Goes to Hollywood says, relax. :cool:
     
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Saville: Yeah, physically I don't see a problem. I give the ol' knob quite a workout to porn, so why don't I use it to give a nice woman a good workout instead!
    Boxer: The relaxing part is sometimes challenging, but if I feel comfortable around her, it shouldn't be a problem.
    MSC: That switch to turn off anxiety would be nice. If we could invent it, we'd be overnight zillionaires!

    Had a good weekend. My brother visited from SoCal and we got to catch up and go see a concert. We talked pretty openly about how porn is a problem that is holding me back from living a more fulfilling life. He's younger than me, and reminded me that at age 60, if I'm going to turn things around, I'd better get on it before I start declining mentally and physically. You never know when that's going to happen, and the odds increase each year.

    I'm pretty tired now, so will call the lady again tomorrow to confirm next weekend and chat some more...

    Have a great week everyone.
     
    Saville likes this.
  18. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    That's really great that you have that kind of relationship with your brother. I really want to have more people I can be vulnerable with.
     
  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, there are only a very few people I've talked to about this. And I don't bring it up very often. It's hard for me to admit this problem to people (in person). This format is easier, and I'm glad to have you guys to vent to.
     
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  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Went on the date last night. I had a really good time. Will see her again next weekend. After one date, I don't want to predict anything...but it was nice to spend time with an available woman after such a long time.
    Finishing Day 10 of being clean. Feeling good about that too.
     
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