Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.
Where you at, my man?
OK, ya got me.
I was away from town for a few days, but have been back for a week, so no excuses...
I'm setting up the counter, which I haven't had going for years now. I'm a 60 year-old now, but so far I seem to be going in the opposite direction from my goal. Some more accountability is in order, but also some good ol' fashioned will power. It's been in short supply for far too long. Most of my life, really. I started out on this forum with some promising signs. How I let it slip away is multi-faceted, but really it's mostly about laziness. Not wanting to change my habits deeply enough, cuz I'm fairly comfortable in my cave here. I'm wondering what retirement will bring, in terms of will power. I thought getting divorced would open the floodgates of porn, and that sure as shit happened. Now I'm worried that retirement could give me yet another excuse. But, if I do the right things before that time (probably another 5 years away from that), then I'll have set up a life that has no room for PMO anymore.
First on the agenda. Come here more.
Next, stop giving in at the drop of a hat.
Realize that I deserve so much more in life.
Too much work is draining me of energy to live fully. I need to delegate more and stop feeling the need to do everything myself.
Start dating again! Just meet some women! Don't worry about sex.
Something like that.
Love the first one on your agenda. Come here everyday for two weeks!
2. Get rid of all your hats!
3. You do deserve more. Now say it to yourself out loud. Say ten times like you believe it.
4. Delegating is an act of self-love.
5. There is a woman out there, right now, just waiting for you.
Thanks Saville! I actually did #3 just now. Wow, saying it out loud is powerful. By the tenth time, I really meant it
I will log on every day for awhile. It really helps.
For now, it's off to the commute. Have a great day.
Here's where staying accountable stings.
A rough day at work. So much piled on in such a short time, I was overwhelmed to the point where I was depressed and really irritable. A rare two beers with dinner, which was a mistake. It was an escape, and I got up in the middle of the night to pee, only to find myself drained of willpower. I have to strengthen that muscle through abstinence (with no peeking), or I'll keep faltering.
So the battle royale is on. I'm up for this challenge.
Yes you are!
For some reason, I can't see my new counter, but maybe others can? Working on Day 3.
Today I've been observing how often the impulses come, which is very often. This time around, I'm making more of an effort to stay conscious of how fleeting they are if I don't act on them.
The trick is to let the "micro-lapses" go by, meaning taking a pass on all of the little opportunities to lust that can present themselves, or that I seek out. They are the excuses to look at images of women, no matter where they may show up.
Living in "monk mode", as Rugger calls it. It's so alien to my overstimulated brain to avoid arousal in any form, I feel starved if I stop, even for a day or two. That's why my body and mind have made a deal with each other to give it up every 2 to 3 days. Breaking that cycle will mean continuing to redirect my energy every time the thoughts come. Of course, when I am successful at being squeaky clean for extended periods, I have given myself the gift of proving it is indeed possible.
So I'm in that difficult period where I must not log onto YouTube, hoping I'll come across an innocent picture that at least gives me the chance to see a picture of a woman. That shouldn't be so hard. And it's only hard because of the strength of the compulsion I keep feeding.
What we're dealing with here goes beyond just willpower. We have to aim to change our behavioural and neurological responses.
I'll share with you a simple exercise my therapist recommended to me. I've found it useful in terms of improving commitment. You may find it helpful to get past that barrier of "not wanting to change your habits deeply enough".
List 4 benefits of quitting your addiction for good. List 4 negative consequences of carrying on with your addiction. Reflect on this list every single hour and repeat for a few days. It's all about the constant repetition. I think this is a great way to challenge your automated thinking and build up some motivation to change for good.
Sounds like a plan. I'll do it. Finding the 4 items on both sides of the ledger won't be hard. Reflecting on it every single hour will take concerted effort, but as you say, constant repetition is key.
Good to see you postin, my man
Nothing worth having comes easy.
I found a simple app on my phone which I set to chime once per hour. Now, every time I hear that chime my mind goes to that place and serves as a reminder that quitting my addiction means I'll have:
self respect, peace of mind, a better relationship and a chance to fulfil my potential.
I love the idea of a chime on the phone. Using the deadly, distracting, device for good!
It's off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Moz
Hey NCBob, not sure what kind of wizard I am...though I'm pretty good at chokin' the lizard!
I have checked in a few times since February, but haven't posted, mainly due to lack of resolve to try again. After 5 years of failure, my ego couldn't handle coming here and admitting it over and over. Pretty lame excuse, I guess, but that's my story...
Since then my Dad died (in March), which was a difficult thing to process, even though it had been coming for awhile. My mom's having a rough go of it much of the time, and my siblings and I are trying to help her through the tougher moments. She's strong, but the adjustment is super hard.
As for me, still busier than ever at the day job. I've been nursing another crush on a co-worker, which isn't such a great idea. I'm reminded yet again how my obsessive tendencies can really be amplified when I'm interested in a woman. I mean, being in love, even when it is fulfilled in an actual relationship, is a pretty overwhelming experience, and pulls your mind way out of its comfort zone, especially when you're away from the person. But when it's unrequited, or at least unobtainable (I won't go into the reasons why), it's just an exercise in suffering. So I'm in need of moving on to someone outside of work, in a more normal setting. Or, staying single and living like a monk. The latter is probably best in the short term, as I haven't really changed any of my PMO habits and shouldn't dive into dating until I at least re-commit to quitting and get a good start on it. I know some will say "just start dating now", but I'm not feeling it right now.
So...as always, the one thing that is both the simplest and hardest thing to do, is to not let the urges take over. That phenomenon of feeling certain that "this time I'm going to do it", followed (sometimes immediately) with the wrong mouse click, is so frustrating. It produces a feeling of hopelessness that is pretty soul-crushing. But feeling sorry for myself won't get me anywhere. I have to do the work required to change the pattern; to break the cycle. Many people here have done it. I've done it for far longer stretches than I have these last few years. I just gave up.
So, I may not have time to do a lot of posting, but I will be here more often. Glad this site is still here after all these years. We are a statistically small group of people here, so I know there are tons of guys suffering in silence out there. Hopefully some of them are reading the great posts the guys here have written, and are feeling hopeful that they can pull out of this habit. This addiction.
I am so glad to see you back. It is so easy to just say bye-bye but you came back thats a positive for you and for the community. Welcome back we are here for you!
Only 5 years? 7 years of failure here . First post in December 2012. As long as I am here, you won't look bad
Bobo: thanks for the welcome back! I have to say that just posting yesterday probably kept me from another go...
Gil79: Ah, another veteran! Good for you for sticking with it. Giving up just kept leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Glad I came back.
Thanks for stopping by my journal.
As far as the dating game, here are my thoughts. If we wait to long it is kind of like a house that has not had maintenance done to it for a long while, yet we are hoping it will fix itself. At some point money (courage) must be put into it or it will fall in on itself. Dating is an investment in ourselves.
Reminds me of my songwriting heyday in college - one day I whipped out my guitar and strummed this little ditty 'here I am just tryin' to be funky, and what I'm really doin' is spankin' my monkey'
Loosen that grip on the lizard, young man, and step up to the keyboard instead
Glad to see you back, Moz
Separate names with a comma.