Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Large chunks of time between postings. Not a recipe for success...
    I was at a BevMo type place last week and was impressed with a woman who was shopping there. Seemed like whatever aisle I went to, she was there. But, not wanting to read anything into that and definitely not come across as if I was following her, I didn't jump to any conclusions. Then, as I chose a checkout line, she came over and filed in behind me. Now, this woman was probably 15 to 20 years younger than me. So what's a dirty old man like me supposed to do with this situation? Well, I made some quick small talk, joking that I felt silly for ending up with a single bottle of beer for my efforts (they didn't have what I was looking for). She said something I didn't quite catch, but it almost sounded like, "well, you could always get two". Argh. Was this an opportunity? Probably. Did I pass on it for fear of being rejected? Yes.
    I bring this up because it reminded me of how many women there are out there, and that my addiction is continuing its stranglehold on my life by giving me an excuse to just keep letting chances for escape pass me by.
    There is still only one way to lose the habit, and that is by not acting out. My confidence will grow once I give myself the gift of saying no when it's the most difficult.
    I was going to surf around tonight, even if only at some pre-porn. I won't do that tonight.
    Another reason for logging on tonight was a text I got from a friend who went on a date last night as a direct result of throwing caution to the wind and asking someone out after meeting in a similar situation to the one I just described. Granted, the opportunity was maybe more user-friendly in his case, but still. He made the move, and was rewarded for it.
    OK, that's it for now.
    Will try to log on here more. The habit isn't going to quit itself. I need to make it happen.
     
    Boxer17 and A New Man like this.
  2. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Moz, shame it is quiet. Really huge shame if it is because are giving up.

    I've had a couple of instances just like yours. A barista at a Starbucks who walked my coffee to me after she slow poured it. I worked in the store between sales calls and she interacted with me several times. Younger. A woman at church last weekend that smiled at me in a way that blew me away.

    It is hard not to get caught up in the "but, don't you know I'm an addict and this won't work" barriers. In both cases I didn't take a chance because I negatively talked myself into inaction.

    Abundance of choice and opportunity is there! Great job noticing!
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)


    "Will try to log on here more"

    As Yoda said, there's no such thing as try, there's only do or don't.:)

    Glad you did, Moz, and looking forward to you doing more:D
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Here's to you changing that recipe, Moz :)

    Hope all is well!
     
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks NCBob. I think about this place all the time, but...
    I hope you had a great holiday. I spent a few days with my immediate family. Took a long road trip with my sons to get there. It was great.
    Unfortunately I took my addiction with me. It's a stubborn passenger on the Moz Train :( Still trying to boot it off!
    A clean day today. I'll take it.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    A clean day is better than no day at all, my friend:)
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    The first bump of 2019, Moz:)

    Perhaps the last?:D
     
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the bump, Bob. Happy New Year!
    My 3-day average for clean days is a very hard habit to break, and I'm on Day 4 right now. I actually had to stop the momentum to give in by coming here. I need to do some work on the computer, and am firmly in the danger zone right now. If I can just stop the compulsion today, I'll have a better start than usual. This is really hard work. But if I just tell myself that if I want to have a chance at happiness with a woman before it's too late, and that the only way to do that is to give up porn once and for all, maybe my addict-self can be conquered. It's a powerful dragon. Reinforcing the habit gives it more power. It will take serious effort to let it atrophy. As you said once (in so many words), we have to turn the ship around, and it doesn't happen overnight and not without that serious effort.

    Wishing you well.
     
    Boxer17 and Saville like this.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I hope you reached the end of day 4 and are now on your way to putting day 5 in the bank.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Saville. I did get through Day 4. Last night, which was Day 5, I stayed up late working on a deadline and completed it at around 10:30. I felt pretty good about that and the familiar feeling of "let's celebrate" came over me. That's where I convince myself that a quick peek will be OK. So, bad news is I peeked on YouTube at non-nude stuff, which is clearly not OK, but the good news is I didn't go all the way in. I've been there a million times. I'm writing this to go on record so I have some accountability today. The urge to just go for it is already there, but I'm going to exercise after work and stay away from the computer. If I can chase away the chaser effect, I can weather the little storm I created for myself.
    Off to work.
     
    Boxer17 and Saville like this.
  11. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Good to see you back on the forum, Moz:)

    Remember, thou shall NOT PEEK:D
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2019
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Boy, do I know that feeling well. So awesome that you were able to back away from it and see it for the falsity that it is.
     
  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Moz, time to rise and shine:)
     
  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks. Day 7 without PMO. Really fighting the urges, so staying off the computer and messaging hear from the phone. But the phone has its own on-ramp. It comes down to willpower. Imagine that!
     
  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Actually, I'm ready to doze off here. This is the tough part of the night so I need to stay strong. Will check in again tomorrow.
     
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Looking forward to it!
     
  17. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Every victory is valuable Moz! Bend but not break
     
    Saville likes this.
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Boxer! Bend but don't break. As long as I don't bend too far...
    I'm noticing that as I get more days behind me, the initial desire to peek is there, but the desire to keep going isn't so much. So, under those circumstances, why continue? Really, the only reason is force of habit. And that's a pretty crappy reason to go down the same old path into the same old cycle. I pulled from the brink again because I feel the need to get off this stuff more powerfully than ever. Now on to the hard work of not going there in the first place!
     
    Boxer17 and Saville like this.
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    good to see you posting, Moz:)
     
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You can do it!
     

Share This Page