Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I'm here Rugger. And I am also sick to death of the addiction. Yes, I'm ready to finally do this. And you're right; the fight must be waged every day, or it's not gonna happen.
    Let's get this done!
     
  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Dat 2. Working at the computer most of the day today. Not exactly the changeup in my routine that will help me, but coming here definitely does help.
    I'm going to keep checking in.
     
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  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Fighting the habit. I'm going to finish a task here at the computer, then log off and redirect my energies on running errands. The urges usually cause me to just automatically click on any image of an attractive woman whenever I'm surfing news stories. So the key will be to stop surfing news stories. And to log off when I feel I'm heading into WTF territory ("what the fuck, just do it" territory).
    I need to get through Day 3 clean!!!
     
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  4. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Keep Posting every day, it can be really helpful to get over the first few days which are the hardest as you surely know. All the best.
     
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  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Libertad. I will keep posting. This is the second time today, because I'm finished with all my errands and must work at the computer again. Announcing my resolve helps to strengthen it. That's what this place is all about.
     
    Saville likes this.
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Day 4 begins. Gonna be a busy one, so things should take care of themselves. It's the end of the day that usually gets me. So that's where I either need to just stay off this machine or post here again to stay on track.
     
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  7. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I know what you mean.
    After a busy day it's easy to relax and feel self indulgent. That's when we're paddling through dangerous waters :eek::)
    Good job Mozenjo
     
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  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Boxer. Two good things happened yesterday. By the time I got home, I was too tired to do anything but hit the sack, so didn't turn the computer on.
    The second, and more important thing, is that as I was perusing my phone before retiring, instead of trying to find a quick hit of even one picture of a fully clothed woman to end the day with, I overrode that desire and stayed clean. Because the act of trying to find some kind of arousal is not staying clean. And will do no good in this process.
    I had some erotic dreams, however, which is a sign that, after 4 days, my brain is compensating for my abstinence. I have to keep abstaining and keep letting the brain go through what it must go through. It's about time I hit this stage again.
    Ready to keep this process going. It's worth all the discomfort that awaits...
     
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  9. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Good on you Moz!
    I too am changing some routines. I think sometimes habits have their own triggering effects. Same routine same actions.
    May we keep this process going
     
    dig deep likes this.
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Moz, playing a little hardball here, I hope you don't mind:)

    "And I am also sick to death of the addiction. Yes, I'm ready to finally do this. And you're right; the fight must be waged every day, or it's not gonna happen.
    Let's get this done!"

    You've said this a great many times on the forum with the same amount of enthusiasm each and every time, only to disappear off into the hills when the sledding gets tough.

    What will you be doing differently so that you stay connected to the forum regardess of being in a good place or a place of struggle? Inquiring minds want to know:)

    As good ole Albert Einstein once noted, insanity is doing the same thing over again while expecting different results...

    Cheers, bro:D
     
    Mozenjo likes this.
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Dude, you're back! I think I like the unvarnished NCBob :)
    Well, to answer your question, what I will do differently this time to stay connected - is to stay connected. I was actually going to stay off the machine tonight (been fighting some urges today, and felt it safer that way), but you motivated me to log on anyway o_O. So this not only marks Day 6 in the books; it also marks 6 days of posting in a row (even though it doesn't look that way - a problem with living on the left coast is that my late night posts show the following day). I'm writing this just before 9pm Wednesday night, and after I log off, will see what time it shows).
    Anyway, it's been more time than I can remember since I've come this far. So I'm feeling good about that. But I will immediately shut the machine off after I log off YBR, because I don't trust myself yet. Too much history (and insanity) there, as you say.
    As for the equally important topic of what my ultimate goals in life are, and how staying off porn will help me achieve them, I'm spending more time thinking about that. For some reason, I have more time on my hands this last week ;)

    I think it should be stated once again, even though tons of people have already said it here one way or another (including you and me): The clarity of mind needed to deal with our issues and chart a new course will not be easily gained while we're wallowing in the addiction. We have to get off this shit!
    I read your post from your journal today, and like you, I've asked myself countless times whether I truly want to give up porn. The answer should be obvious, right? Addicts of all stripes ask themselves that, and I would venture to guess that the ones who give up their poison while wondering all the while if it's really what they want, lose their misgivings about that question when they break through to the other side. That's the side we haven't crossed over to yet, bud. For my part, I am really ready to finally do that. It takes commitment.
    Yes, my friend, I have said that very thing many, many times over these last 4+ years. It will take diligence, vigilance, persistence, all that. The reason I leave here for long stretches is that I don't really commit. I let the old habits lead the way...

    I may ultimately decide that I'm pretty content with my life without changing much else besides giving up porn. I'm more often happier alone than I am around people. So, getting out there and socializing more may not be the ticket for me. Finding a woman who I want to spend lots of time with is still a goal. So, after I get some time under my belt, I will do that. I did have dinner with my old flight attendant friend last month, and had a wonderful time. She is in a similar place of raising her two boys and working a lot, and not wanting to add stress to her life. Which a relationship can certainly bring. So we are staying in touch, and there may be a future with her, but I'm not focusing on that right now, and neither is she. First things first.

    Well, bed beckons. Good to hear from you, NCBob.
    Catch ya on the flip side. How 'bout tomorrow? I'll be here!
     
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  12. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Moz -- thought I'd drop by to let you know I'm walking with you again.

    Stay clean, my friend. Let me know if I can be of help.
     
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  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Guy. I played with fire tonight, and came back from the brink. Tomorrow I have to stay away from this machine. I went 7 days, and should probably start over, though I didn't PMO. A week ago I wouldn't have stopped. So being connected here, and trying to keep my commitment, make a huge difference.
    Onward. Hope all is well with you.
     
    dig deep likes this.
  14. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    I am SO with you, man! Keep fighting the good fight. I'm here for you.
     
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Glad to have provided some motivation, Moz:)

    Agreed, clarity is important, and not easily gleaned when we're mired in the muck of our addictive tendencies. And like you said, commitment is needed in order to get through the muck and on to the other side where clarity is possible.

    Given that neither one of us as of yet has been able to achieve this, we need to don our trekkie outfits and aim for the stars (boldly go where no man has gone before)....

    One day at a time:)
     
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  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks, guys.

    Yes, habits are a bitch. No sooner does my butt hit the chair (in front of this boob tube- pun intended), that my hand automatically starts twitching. Pavlov's curse. If I picture myself as a dog who starts salivating and licking his balls for all to see, or as a junkie cueing up the next fix, it may help, but habits have a way of powering through our mind-tricks and taking over. So, we have to change our habits effectively. That's why I try to stay away from the machine at night. And then, of course, the phone whispers, "hey, I'm here too, bud. My screen's smaller, but it's better than nothin', right?" So then, the phone has to be put away. I remember the old days where I'd be sick of the habit and throw away the magazines so I didn't have an outlet. It worked for awhile, but the habit would keep gnawing at me until I broke down and bought another. It was tougher without the internet, but when the drug was just a purchase away, it still came down to commitment, resolve, will power...you know, all the things people have had to summon to lose their bad habits since people have walked the earth.

    You are helping a lot, Guy. Your resolve is evident, and your persistence is infectious. Thanks for being here!

    Well, we might look silly in our trekkie outfits, but if we get to beam ourselves out of harm's way every time the urges strike, then I'm all in! Yes, we need to boldly go where WE haven't gone before, but where we know we CAN go. We're no spring chickens anymore. I'd say it's about time we did this, 'cuz before you know it, we'll be beaming off this planet whether we like it or not :p
     
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, peeking has had the predictable effect. I read an interview with Paul McCartney yesterday, where he was talking about substance abuse, and how Ringo can't take a sip of vodka without finishing the bottle. Same thing. I can't take a sip. You'd think I'd know this by now.
    If there's any upside to my latest slip, it's that my last go 'round was a joyless affair (no surprise there), and after being disgusted with myself for looking at P, I logged off and O'd to a picture of an old girlfriend instead. But it only served the purpose of satisfying my "need" to clear the decks for another clean run. Which is a serious glitch in my program that I have to figure out how to repair. If I slip up, I must pull back without feeling like I have to "finish the process" before starting over. Argh.

    So, working on Day 2. And I'll keep posting with my progress, warts and all...
     
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  18. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Glad your staying connected with the board rather than headed for the hills, Moz:) Lot's of momentum going on with the Titanic. We change the direction one small wheel turn at a time...
     
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  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    OK, 3 weeks away is too long. It's been 3 weeks of pretty much no progress, so I'm back to report that fact.
    I've been thinking more and more lately about my mortality. The ill effects of porn use are taking physical tolls on my body and brain. There was a story someone told a couple of years ago about a guy who had a heart attack in front of his computer doing you-know-what. As much as that horrified me, I didn't quit the habit. But my headaches, back pain and general discomfort in my groin muscles are getting worse. Even if I don't have a catastrophic event, the degradation of my health as a result of using will eventually cause problems that may be very difficult to reverse. Alcohol use doesn't help. I'm OK with a beer a few times a week, but last night I had two beers with dinner, and since I've cut back quite a bit, two beers is a mistake. That study that you've probably heard about, where the latest conclusion that no alcohol is good for you, is ringing true for me. I'm going to keep the O'Doul's (non-alcoholic "beer") in the fridge, and keep the real stuff to a few days a week...

    A friend of mine who moved out of state is making a decent effort at meeting women and not making excuses for staying at home. He met someone who ultimately didn't pan out for him, but in the process of finding out, he got laid a couple of times. And I think he feels as if the experience was worth it, despite the outcome. So good for him for doing what I have been putting off for so long.

    I'm on Day 3, and getting through the weekend clean is my short-term goal. These are the hardest two days of the week.
     
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  20. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)


    Hey Moz, as I see it, you checking in rather than disappearing from view after "3 weeks of pretty much no progress" is real progress:)
     
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