Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Bob Jenkins

    Bob Jenkins New Member

    glad you're doing well, moz. i'm right there with you. just say no sounds simplistic, but its simple enough so i understand it!

    listening to mozart. what a high level of human functioning. might have been the pre-newspaper days! you know those damn newspapers!
  2. Mr. Torrence

    Mr. Torrence New Member

    Hi Moz -

    Just finished reading your journal. I'm right there with you - word for word. Your previous failures smack all too familiar with me. It's like we're trying to walk on an icy slope in tap shoes....

    I've been a notorious peeker myself - my entire life. And it has led to so many previous personal failures. What I've been trying to do over the past couple of days is almost a reverse psychology approach to this problem. They way I figure it, I've become pretty good at objectifying 'virtual' women that appear in 2D form (photos, videos and the like). I look at their bodies and crave what I see. Now I'm trying to use my objectification skills to objectify the photos I stumble across into what they really are. Photos. Nothing more. It isn't alive - it isn't warm. It doesn't respond to me. It's a bunch of colored pixels arranged to have the appearance of a woman. It is not a woman. It's a ghost. Move on. There's nothing there. Move on.

    Stay strong.

    Jack T.
  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey Jack, you're right on. These sirens we allow to tempt us are indeed just phantoms. They can never provide anything more than unfulfilled longing. Which is the definition of suffering. Objectifying the images the way you are doing is a great technique. We know they're not real. Just gotta step back and smack ourselves upside the head and say, "you really think things are gonna be any different this time around"?

    Yesterday was the kind of day that would have previously tested me to the breaking point. Sleep deprived, stressful day at work, dinner plans rescheduled, nothing to do but hang around and "wind down" at the house. Usually the perfect storm for another relapse. I saw that for the giant red flag that it was, and for some reason this time around I found it much easier to dissect it and analyze it as an observer would. I had some thoughts of P floating around, but thankfully those thoughts didn't translate to an urge. Wow. Nothing at the computer beyond checking emails and sports scores. Played some guitar, watched a little TV and fell asleep on the couch.

    I've had several stumbles since I started posting 3 months ago. I'd like to think I'm finally starting to hit a stride. I know damn well that I'm an addict. I know that I can't take the first step down the well-worn path, because I'll have about a zero percent chance of turning back. The ruts are way too deep.

    The only way out of this is to stay clean.
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, it is really all about the simple act of not acting on impulse.

    I love listening to Mozart and the other Masters while I work. I remember saying that to a woman once and she looked at me like I was crazy. Needless to say, things didn't work out between us :)
  5. Abc

    Abc The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    ain't that the truth, Mozenjo :)

    Thanks for checking in on my thread - much appreciated!

    I see that you play guitar - are you able to play during those times when your addict wants to "play"? I love playing guitar. But, I often ignore it as an alternative to getting lost in my addiction. I need to be more intentional with it.

    What kind of songs do you like to play? Have a good one!
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey NCB, glad to hear from you!
    I'm still a beginner (again) on the guitar. In the several times I've given it a go since college days, I've never exercised the discipline it takes to get to the next level. An eerie parallel with my other struggle, you know? So, l too would ignore it, then ultimately give it up, in favor of more carnal pursuits. So, rather than get lost in our addiction, why not get lost in playing guitar (or any instrument, for that matter)? It's a much better thing to obsess on and spend lots of time on.

    Playing every day is helping my resolve. I'm trying to stick to a regimen of using the DVD course, "Learn and Master Guitar" by Steve Krenz. It's really good! Plus, there are an infinite number of tips on YouTube. And they're free!

    As for songs, sometime soon I want to take another stab at the intro to "Over the Hills and Far Away" by Led Zeppelin. I got through it (sort of) in a class I took about 20 years ago. But I certainly didn't master it.
    For a singalong, I'd love to be able to do "From the Beginning" by Emerson, Lake and Palmer. It's trickier than it sounds.

    Anyway, I love the instrument; most any genre will do if it's a good piece of music.

    You have a great day, too!
  7. midge

    midge Guest

    Two weeks down, Moz. Congratulations. You're doing great, and you're making great contributions here. Carry on, bud!
  8. Dopaholic

    Dopaholic New Member

    Hi Moz,
    Thank you for posting on my journal awhile back. I have read through your journal and I must say I feel the same way you feel 100%. I am also fighting the terrible scourge of PIED and it really sucks. Like you I have had several relapses and I am tired of it. I am determined to beat this.
    I agree with you that I also need to separate MO from P. I have decided on a similar strategy to MO as a last resort but never with P. Once I peek then I am done.
    I wish you the best of luck my friend and congrats on 2 weeks. Stay strong and keep up the good work and I will too. Someday this will all be part of our past.
  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys for the well wishes. I'm knee deep in work this week, so may not be able to check in as much, which is a bummer, as it is REALLY helping me.

    Midge, thanks for the encouragement; sometimes I re-read something after I post and wish I could go back and re-word it, but I guess if people just know my heart is in the right place, if I bumble it a bit sometimes, it's no biggie. Another thing I've been working on is not sweating the small stuff.

    D, we certainly have all the reason in the world to give it up, don't we? ED is the Great Humbler. When it first happened to me 3 years ago, I felt like I was kicked in the gut. I'm sure glad I finally figured out what was going on. Now I can hopefully get rid of that problem while at the same time losing the habit. WE WILL DO THIS!!!

    This time around I'm still hangin' in. No urges to watch P, though at work today I was ogling our secretary a bit more than I should have. Actually, most of the women were looking especially good today. It'll be good when winter arrives and the girls cover themselves up more :eek:

    I can't stress enough the point that tons of guys here have made: don't peek! It feels so good to be clean, and that good feeling builds on itself and makes it easier to move on when the dangerous thoughts pass by.
    We must never, ever give up!!! Remember that drawing of the frog with his head in the pelican's mouth and his hands around it's neck? We are that frog.

    Have a great week.
  10. imout

    imout Active Member

    Good to see you are upbeat and motivated. That sure helps. Negativity feeds the bad habits. Wishing you all the best
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Imout. Cheers to you too, bud.

    I'm finishing "The Power of Habit", and there are some good quotes from William James:

    "My first act of free will shall be to believe in free will.
    The will to believe is the most important ingredient in creating belief in change. And one of the most important methods for creating that belief are habits. Habits are what allow us to do a thing with difficulty the first time, but soon do it more and more easily, and finally, with sufficient practice, do it semi-mechanically."

    Good stuff.
    Here's to developing the new habits that will help free us all from the old ones.
  12. Abc

    Abc The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    How's it going, Mozenjo? Looks like you are doing well - keep up the excellent effort!

    I had a slip the end of this past week, and getting right back up on my feet. I read recently that infinite patience equates to infinite love. With all the slips and falls with this journey, I'm building up a shitload of patience :) Not the way I'd planned it, and definitely a good thing.

    Have an excellent weekend!
  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey NCB,

    Thanks for checking in! I just rousted myself from the longest nap I've had since I can remember. I had a fairly strenuous workout at the gym last night, and rather than drink lots of water afterwards like I know I should, I had a beer with dinner and didn't drink much water before hitting the sack. So I woke up this morning with a headache, then had to meet some people for a potential side job. When I got home, I had lunch, practiced some guitar, then hit the wall. Now I feel like I'm carrying lead weights around. I think I'll take the dog for a walk and go for a swim. It's really hot outside.

    Regarding your slip, I went back in my journal and counted the resets I've had since I started here in early May. There've been 3. On the one hand, I think that's nothing to shout about, since my first month went so well and I thought I was getting over the hump (ack, another double entendre; will they never end :) ) . But on the other hand, 3 slip-ups in 3 months is still great compared to where I was when I started. I think you've had a similar kind of run, haven't you?

    So, all I can say as a fellow plebe here is to move on in this continuum, use that patience you're developing and tell yourself that you're getting stronger with each bump in the road. Because you are!
  14. Abc

    Abc The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Those long naps on Saturday afternoons are great, but the twilight zone experience after waking up is something else :)

    agreed :)
  15. midge

    midge Guest

    Moz, congrats on three weeks, brother. You are a great and helpful presence here--it's much appreciated.
  16. Syd

    Syd New Member

    Three-plus weeks, Moz, nice work! IIRC, we started this journey about the same time, and I enjoy your perspective. That first month went easier than I thought it would, too--and in the grand scheme of things, even with a few bumps, currently in a way better place than we were! Keep at it, my man.
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Morning Midge, thanks so much.

    I must admit I woke up feeling a bit ambivalent about where I am with things.
    Last night, I had the first true test of my current run. I worked much of the weekend, since I'll be watching my youngest son these next 3 days and am woefully behind at the day job. So right before calling it a night, I clicked into YouTube. Despite all my warnings to myself (and others here), I allowed myself a quick peek at some pretty women, and though they were clothed, it still got the dope machine revving. So after 10 minutes, I had to white knuckle it and force myself to click out. Went to bed feeling disappointed, but not horribly so, since I pulled myself back from the brink.

    Up until that point, I'd been squeaky clean for 21 days. At least in real life. My dreams have been getting progressively explicit, no doubt a result of the physical adjustment from this relatively lengthy abstinence.

    At this point in my last few relapses, I've given in and either gone full tilt to the pmo, or let it progress in the days following the near-slip until it's ramped up to requiring a reset. And then I just say WTF, might as well tie one on. All tragically predictable.

    So I usually falter at this juncture. This time must be different. A small taste usually whets the appetite for more. With eyes wide open, I must redirect that tendency. I didn't MO, don't really have the urge to do so yet, and don't feel the need to slip any further. It's not reset time. But that can change any minute. If it does, I'll do my best to duck under that wave (great metaphor, Midge), or surf it, or hover over it, or anything to keep from being consumed by it.

    Well, I've gotta head into into work for a few hours, then pick my son up from his Mom's house. He's going to be 13 in a couple of days, and it will be good to spend some time with him. I have to enjoy his childhood while I still can. He's moving into a new phase in his life; I have to do the same thing.
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey Syd, I'm sitting here at work getting ready to go get my son and saw that I missed your message this morning. Was in a rush to get outta the house. Thanks for the well wishes. Will post more in your journal later. Have a great day!
  19. midge

    midge Guest

    Moz, don't sweat those temptations. They happen, and the best you can do is acknowledge that and just let 'em float on through, redirecting your attention as soon as you can. It's not a failure at all, it's a hurdle successfully dealt with.

    Enjoy your time with your boy. Take solace in the fact that you're becoming the very best kind of role model for him.
  20. Mr. Torrence

    Mr. Torrence New Member

    Hey Moz -

    I see your recent episode of 'peeking' as a huge success, myself. You walked to the edge - you stared into the abyss, and you walked away. Your former self would have nose dived into it and free-fell for hours if you're anything like me. You didn't do this. Sure you looked - so what? You didn't succumb. That is what's important. On my morning bike commute to work this morning, I saw that all the freshman girls are back on campus to pledge to their sorority houses - or some inane bullshit. All were wearing their short shorts - and hanging it all out to show it off. And why shouldn't they - they are sexually charged kids tasting freedom for the first time. I HAD to look at them as I rode by - quite literally, hundreds of them. I had no choice. So, I was right with you - we looked, we moved on...

    Well done -

    Jack T.

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